00:01
The Time Continued to Flow in Quiet Stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
You say it's a lot of drama when someone seems atalented person and says something like there's noway I wouldn't be jealous of them.
I think that happens a lot in real life too, notjust in drama.
I have this direct feeling something too, but theenergy goes in a different direction.
It seems like when people get jealous, they eitherput other person down or try to beat them.
But I just realized that my feeling right now isn't either of those.
For me, it's a second one. I try to beat them nomatter what.
But in my case, I'm wishing for something I don'thave.
So it's a waste of time, but I just realizedsomething else.
When I really get jealous, I just feel sofrustrated.
It's not even a feeling wanting to pass down toanyone anymore.
It's like a huge energy is sitting inside me likea hot rock.
Under a volcano, even if it's not coming out.
For the next story, I'll talk about what happenedtoday.
I talked to my parents about sausage.
I said I haven't eaten super expensive ones, butthe ones at the supermarket were like cheap thingsfrom some companies.
I won't say which one my mother agreed with that,but she said,
Yeah, we eat expensive ones, but they don't tastegood.
I wonder why they don't taste good.
She completely forgot about me.
I just said I don't eat expensive ones, but shecompletely pushed me out of her mind during thistalk.
It became a story about whether she ate them ornot.
Also, we were talking about the Genghis Khanfestival in Sapporo.
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I said 1,200 yen for 200 grams is expensive.
She said the supermarkets were pretty expensivetoo.
I forgot the exact price.
I wanted to hear the supermarket price to compareand check if the festival ones are expensivebecause their brand name.
But she didn't get it at all.
What she said is always half-hearted.
Yes, it's always like that.
She said things without thinking, but she saidthem with strength and confidence.
I asked her many times while checking her mouth.
She said, sure, but do you have a good reason tocheck?
I did that because she made a mistake before, butthat talk didn't go well either.
Also, she said before that they are doing it infront of the beer garden.
So today I said, if they do it in front of thebeer garden today, the beer garden won't sellanything, right?
That part of the talk went well fine, but then shestarted saying, no, the beer garden is justnearby.
It's not right in front.
I thought what was that talk earlier, then how didwe even understand each other before?
Also, when I do strength training or when it'shot, it feels good.
For some reason, it makes me feel like I'm alive.
I don't really like that I feel that way, but it'sstrange.
So it's not for a specific reason.
I think I did strength training simply because thetaste felt good.
Also, sports players retired and they said theypracticed hard to drink good alcohol after.
Things make me not like it much.
When I do something in a tough way, I never do itto feel a sense of success or to reach a goal.
That might have been fine before, or I might havecovered it up when I was young like a student.
But if I do that now, a big empty space hits me.
06:00
You realize that reaching a goal has zero meaning.
You realize you're just looking at a fake picturethat still delivers meaning there.
That's why I think I should just do things calmly.
Even if there's no purpose or direction, I thoughtthey were doing it the same way.
But they do it in a tough way, sweat and drinkgood alcohol.
They probably have that purpose in mind.
Even if they don't think about it deeply, but whenI see that, it doesn't make me feel good.
Next, I'll talk about mourning.
In the morning, my mother suddenly asked me if Iknew a person named A.
She said A made a group and has been doing it fora long time.
I wondered what this was about so suddenly.
I thought maybe A is a key person, and I'dunderstand if I asked about them.
But my mother didn't really know either.
There's nothing interesting about A for us, so Idon't know why she started talking about thisgroup A made.
Based on what I heard this morning, didn't shethink it?
I say, oh, they made a group, that's amazing.
I wonder why she said it.
It shocked me a bit, cause I end up thinking whatwas that talk about just now.
Also, I had a strange daydream.
I was daydreaming that I was a high school studentand talked to the teacher in a casual way likeeveryone else.
That's a joke.
Everyone in class liked it.
It really is just a daydream.
But really, I kept having this strange daydream,thinking I should have done this or that to becomepopular in class during high school.
Also, I had a daydream about a girl in my highschool class.
When I said something, she meant her.
At the school festival, she walked home slowlywithout saying a word.
Her friend told me to wait, but I went homeanyway.
Then the girl sent me an email saying living isjust too hard and painful.
I was thinking about how to make her worry theabsolute most, thinking she'd hate it and worry alot.
Also, some countries built big graves for theirwives, like a mountain in Japan or a pyramid inEgypt.
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I can understand that.
But it seems they built a huge building.
Maybe that's what Heritage said now.
I thought that was interesting.
It's interesting that you can turn sadness into abig building and feel okay with it.
One thing I can say is they definitely have a hugefeeling, meaning something, and they try to feelit.
They built a good building, so leave somethingbehind.
It's interesting.
Maybe it's a natural instinct.
When you're in danger of dying, you try to leaveyour things behind.
Maybe it's a similar state of mind.
But building a big building for your wife becauseyou are going to die is efficient.
If you think about it, but the wife is alreadydead.
Building a building anyway is what's interesting.
It's a waste of money.
Also, I made another big discovery.
When people give up hope, they become wild or runaway to find things.
This is one of those things, too.
I used to think it was just a mental thing, butrunning away to alcohol or cigarettes happened,too.
It means you run away to a rescue, and it resultsin a rescue.
But in a different way, it's created fromfeelings.
It's your body directly, and it usually doesn't doany good.
For me, it's the opposite.
I didn't sit in a hopeless feeling in the firstplace.
After I quit religion, I didn't have that habit ofrunning away, either.
Looking back at my student days, during healthclass in middle school,
the teacher asked if anyone smoked, and one guyraised his hand.
I wondered why he raised his hand, and it'simpossible for me.
That's because I care about myself a lot, both mymind and my body.
I care about myself, so when people said badthings to me, they weren't caring about me.
And it made me mad.
This is probably different from being selfish.
12:01
Everyone is very selfish by instinct, so if youcompare, it's tiny difference.
We're all about the same.
For the next story, it's interesting.
Many people who aren't clean freaks still wannakeep their bed clean
or don't wanna get in with dirty clothes.
That means there are places they don't want othersto make dirty for me.
I have a strong feeling that I don't want anyoneto mess up my routine.
That's why I care so much, even after I quitreligion.
Maybe I had a feeling that I didn't want everyoneto mess up my routine.
Like it's my own space.
Everything else is basically empty.
But I talk about this many times because it'sstrange.
When people get that empty feeling, it means theirbodies are getting weak.
The empty feeling, I think, isn't about becomingwild.
When you become wild, you still expect something.
When you get the ultimate empty space, it'snothingness.
It's a vacuum state.
It's floating in outer space.
You have to put pressure on yourself to controlyourself.
You'll explode.
That was my rule, like my routine.
When I passed the empty space with freedom, thatsounded a bit too cool.
But I found that also I have a rule that if I trysomething two or three times and it doesn't work,I shouldn't do it because it'll fail.
But I shouldn't think about it too much.
But I use that rule to trick myself.
I think something bad will happen by doing that.
I can't give up.
But like yesterday, even though I thought Ishouldn't check things on the internet, sometimesI check it as an exception for a reason.
Sometimes you wanna see it.
Since it's a bad sign, I feel like something badwas gonna happen.
That part is hard.
But bad signs don't always work out well.
People in the world just say we should do thingsin a good balance.
That's happened a lot for everything.
I know going too far is as bad as not going farenough.
15:02
But thinking things will get solved for you.
Just keep a good balance.
It's too easy.
I wonder if things really go good that easily.
But if people can just settle things by keeping agood balance, then I'm just very clumsy.
For the next three weeks, I decided I don't haveto eat chicken skin.
Right then I felt better and thought it's fine toeat them.
Now I'm eating.
To be honest, like I said before, I was worriedabout getting hot.
But when I was sweating, it wasn't like that.
And I didn't know why it wasn't painful.
Also, you try hard not to make a mistake, butthings happen sometimes, right?
But most people in the world don't test it andthey don't think things will go well.
If they stop trying not to make a mistake, it'sstrange.
But what happens if you stop trying not to make amistake?
I experienced this many times.
You still make a mistake anyway.
You end up thinking which one is it.
Humans are full of contradictions.
So I made a rule not to think about anythingduring meal.
I think every time I get ideas, my action won'tfinish.
But I'm thinking about podcast now.
And sometimes I get ideas, I worry.
Later I think I should have thought about it.
And there were over 100 times when I spent 3 or 4hours trying to remember what I was thinking.
I worried about it, but it's a rule.
I don't know about others, but for me, there's nopunishment if I break the rules.
There's no reward if I keep it either.
I just have to control myself and keep it.
Why do I need a rule?
It's like I said before.
I absolutely need a rule in this life.
Like I said, in the empty space, in the vacuum,you don't have a rule.
Meaning, if you don't wear a space suit, yourenergy will explode.
Things are too fine.
Freedom isn't just a good thing.
It depends on the person.
It's a big problem.
This is a bit off topic.
But I don't like the idea that there are goodthings and bad things.
18:03
That makes it sound like good things and badthings are separate.
But they are made, tangled up, and things are madeinside.
Also, if you don't make a rule,
you don't have barriers.
So you might think nothing matters.
But it becomes weird.
When you were a student,
there was no teacher.
When your parents weren't watching,
you did your studies half-hearted,
and you did your craftwork half-hearted.
When the teacher was there,
but in my case, I couldn't do that.
For the next three years,
I've been thinking about myself a lot to find aprogram name,
and I thought this might become a book.
Though that might be impossible,
I felt a bit frustrated,
thinking that I made a whole book
was not just to find a program name
made me feel frustrated.
Even though I thought about making a book formoney,
though it probably won't happen.
Also, I watched the video and wondered
why this famous person is popular.
If it's one-hour video,
I spent the whole hour thinking it's strange.
There are moods.
There are books.
I wonder what attracts people so much.
I just watched for an hour,
thinking I can't understand it.
That's happened today, too.
Even if I ask my parents,
they won't know,
and they don't agree with me.
But I asked anyone anyway.
Now about the program name,
during my religion days,
there were rules.
I think these rules made my frame back then.
Religion teaches you many meanings and stories,
and you keep them.
It's like an army in a way,
though it's a mental activity.
The army is about physical rules,
but religion tells you what to do
and put it in you.
Since I did it from a young age,
that system of making rules
might be who I am now,
either way,
during my religion days.
Now, rules work in different ways.
Before, they gave up meaning,
21:00
and the rules were to keep the teaching.
Now, the rules are to live inside the empty space.
I just noticed something.
There's a paradox where you're saved and keptalive
by the empty space,
but the empty space also breaks you.
I always thought the good parts were
you can live inside the empty space
because the rules tie you down.
My parents tell me it's obsessive-compulsivedisorder,
and I feel a bit guilty or like something iswrong.
I'm worried about the future too.
I'm in this house now,
and it's better to be not free,
but if it's too hard in the future,
that becomes a problem itself.
But what happens if you take that problem away
and become free?
You become free,
and your energy explodes.
I want to use this energy,
but I can't burn it,
and it just explodes.
It's night now.
Also, it's the same thing as last year,
but my mother told me
that he doesn't have to close the door,
but he probably didn't hear her.
He just went anyway.
Here's a habit I think problem of.
He probably thinks it's a small thing.
He thinks he's helping me anyway.
But I've suffered the room that many times
for bigger things.
Well, if my mother tells him
and he reflects on it,
and when the time comes,
he gets curious,
puts a problem,
and thinks it'll be fine for now.
You have to change your habit.
That's a small thing you want to change,
but thinks it'll be fine.
It's time to...
Today's dinner was gingisukan.
Gingisukan tastes like the sauce.
Anyway,I didn't know
if it's pork or lamb today,
but maybe it's lamb.
It's good.
They probably make that sauce.
Beans, sprouts, and gingisukan.
Facebook on TV today looked delicious,
so that was good for lunch today.
I grilled chickpeas,
but then in a grinder to make liquid,
and they became super delicious.
Also,omani for lunch today,
24:00
it's like chikuzen-ni,
long shiitake,
mushroom, and carrot.
From the supermarket,
it's very good.
Kanjaku was inside,
Baduk, bamboo shoots.
They probably were cheap bamboo shoots
when I stopped believing awkward things,
I became more interested in them.
When I believed in them,
for some reason,
like a right physics powers,
when you believe in them,
it's just endless.
Something unknown,
but when you stop believing,
it's fun to find out
What's the trick?
What kind of mistake made?
Someone say aliens.
Also,many people don't believe in ghosts,
but like watching horror movies,
I don't know the reason at all.
Also,I don't do religion now.
But when I listen to religious music,
like classical religious music,
it's comfort.
I don't see anything part of the song,
but when I purely taste the texture of the sound,
it sounds better sometimes.
Religious music comforts me a lot
when I purely enjoy the song.
Also,I had a daydream about famous people in agroup
or students in the same school.
When one person says,
I wonder if it brings benefits to other people.
If I were in a group,
I'd probably be sure that another member's successis a problem for me.
But there's much bigger good things for me.
I think about that a lot.
I wonder how it really is.
Is another member's success hindrance to you,
or is it a good thing from a darker viewpoint?
I wonder what famous people really think.
When I was in religion,
there was zero risk.
So I felt I wasn't saved.
I knew that what I was thinking was a gain.
There was something close to me.
Being comforted by having something like a rescue
was a problem for me.
I think there are many problems.
First,rescue.
Rescue means you're tricked into believingsomething is there when it's not.
When you find out it's not there,
27:00
the disappointment is huge.
If it's really there,it's fine.
But religion is like that.
Believing when you believe something is there whenit's not.
You get saved by that.
I don't know about others,
but people keep believing something is there whenit's not.
For me,that feels almost like a physical problem.
I think if it's not there,
I can't even take a drama
because I think it's fiction.
That's why I wasn't saved,
because I can't feel for myself.
Let me talk about my religion days.
I said I lived inside an empty space.
But during my religion days,
maybe I didn't have to face that empty space.
My mind was packed with teaching lessons,
so I was tied down by them
and didn't need rules.
But like I said,
I wasn't saved.
I was full of doubt.
It means I didn't watch the religion story at all.
Religion says believing is the most importantthing.
But I became an other observer instead ofbuilding.
I looked at what the teaching was.
I saw the contradictions.
People who believe don't notice contradictions.
I was an observer.
I think also people think they're in this kind oflife
because what someone did could hurt those people.
But sometimes I think the people who support it
think I like this,
because myself might be going too far,
but the best friends change your life more than
people who did terrible things to you.
But this whole doubt might be wrong,
because it's all about what if.
Thinking if that happens,
once there's that time,
means every single second makes your life,
it's not good.
This person or that person.
But all the time with this parent,
thinking that way makes,
that I'm like this,
because it gets weaker,
when I wonder about that I ended up that way.
It's not very neutral.
There are bad things.
I was thinking about why I don't get swallowed bythe empty space
when I think life has no meaning.
30:01
First,the human mind is strange,
who you think you hate this life even a littlebit.
You get swallowed by the empty space,
if you don't get it a single second,
feeling that life is hard disappears completelyusually.
People can't do that,
but the moment you make the gap and get swallowed,
you know you're breaking.
So this perfectionism helps me.
This perfectionism is my safety line,
but it bothers me a lot.
So that's a small part of my character,
my safety line,
and I shouldn't change them easily.
But to people who can think like this,
have some room,
they have expectation or hope,
and they know they can recover.
Maybe it's a break like drinking water,
or work to look at themselves,
but their mind is broken.
I know if my mind breaks,
I can't recover.
But in the long run,
it will break someday.
Also there is the stubbornness.
I talk about before like I want root,
it's contradiction,
but there's things that I reap,
because there's no meaning.
It's hard,
but if you get used to it,
you start feeling the meaning a little bit bylittle.
So I keep stripping it away.
Also I don't feel like I'm living in the firstplace.
Living or dying,
concept made me by humans,
so I have hard things,
but I don't often feel that.
Living or hard,
this is just about myself,
and I don't like saying it,
but I went as far as I could go,
and reached a state like enlightenment,
and there are very hard things.
I had a violent dream today,
and when I woke up,
I started living,
it's hard,
but humans are amazing.
It might be a defensive reflex,
or just a good system,
but you forget those things completely,
for me,
feeling that living is hard,
it's because I think I have to live tomorrow,
and two years later,
you get more animal-like feeling,
that you are just alive.
You might feel pain from what's in front of you,
but you won't feel that living itself is hard,
or the next story,
people say it's hard,
they can't forget the things you think,
the human brain as a warehouse,
not being able to forget,
33:02
means you can't put new necessary things,
because there are things inside already,
if an actor has to run a script,
and can't forget the last one,
they can't fix the next one,
and that feels more troublesome,
and to stay alive,
this state was probably necessary,
and right after I woke up,
I got a strange intuition,
it's a strange intuition,
what I was thinking,
there were people who were sensitive totemperature,
difference,
difference,I didn't remember,
who's memory,
that's someone said that,
but the reason who was sensitive to temperaturedifference,
it was me,
I used to be sensitive to temperature,
maybe I still am,
but when I noticed the temperature difference,
I reacted,
normally I was listening to anime,
Nami,Aburo,Fast and Furious,
Canon,Mozart and Beethoven,
Takeshi Machida and Komuro's songs,
today I still think about the program,
in the middle of the night,
during the break,
my arm got tired from touching my smartphone,
it's strange,
but I'm so tough myself,
but I have to justify taking a break,
and it really troubled me,
so I found that feelings leaving the heart is astory,
you're putting expectation,
but that itself is a story,
you're making it up a story,