00:03
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
It's morning now. I've already said I'm too hasty.
And once I start laughing, I can't stop.
I had some issue with my English episode lately,and it can't be helped.
But I'm frustrated. Like I said, I recorded anEnglish one in bed last night.
But there was another problem. I'd already plannedto record a Japanese one this morning.
So I had to record the English one again.
You might think I have a lot of time since I'malways home.
But I've actually become more hasty since I'vebeen around.
I'm always rushing and can't settle down.
But lately, I've felt just a little bit of calmfeelings.
I think it's because I have not much to do that.
My mind is just numb.
Also, even when I'm sleeping and only had 4 hoursof sleep,
I can't stop looking up things for my program namenext about meals.
Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and can'tfocus on eating.
I remember seeing my teacher at a video rentalshop when I was a kid.
I wonder who I should talk to them.
What I would've said if the teacher didn't cometalk to me back then.
I wonder if the teacher really have strongbeliefs.
Or if they only think about their student.
03:00
My teacher definitely hated the student.
Teachers with kids probably think their own kidsfirst.
I wonder how I'd act in the teacher's room.
If I were a teacher, I usually people can talk orwatch TV while eating.
But if I start thinking about one thing, I loseall focus recently.
I keep wondering if what I do makes others happyor if they hate it.
But then the other person is also thinking aboutme.
It's hard to know what's actually good for theother person.
People are misunderstanding even when they try tothink about each other.
I thought about this because of an idol who's nota hairstylist.
She thought he wouldn't want to cut her hair.
But if it makes him happy, then she should go.
Parents want the best for their kids anyway.
I woke up an hour early this morning.
Cause my phone was dying and I was worried aboutrecording.
My breakfast was way too early.
Usually people can be flexible.
But I have a strict routine.
I try to think ahead because of the phone problem.
But I'm not like a pro game player.
I try hard to think, but I usually fail.
I'm so sad that I haven't been able to listen tothe radio lately.
I can't even explain how sad I am.
But I just end up following a trip, going back tomeals.
I used to think I tasted things on my teeth when Ichewed.
Then I thought I tasted things by pressing mytongue against the top of my mouth.
But I didn't know you smelled flavors through yournose until later.
I really envy people who can focus on one thing.
Like scholars or players.
Even teachers or hobby fans.
I tend to run away from reality.
I'm a perfectionist.
So focusing on one thing is scary.
06:03
I don't think I've ever done that for even amonth.
Thinking about mystery shows is the only thing.
But I don't even watch those anymore.
Lately I think about Dragon Ball.
If it continues, I could enjoy it.
But if I got too into it, I don't have a study atall.
I can go back and forth between hobbies andreality easily.
Today I dreamed I was working with my relative.
I often wonder if I'd still be a shut-in.
If I'd go to college and become a teacher.
I think if I finished college and got a job, Imight've made more money.
But I wonder which would've been better.
I often think like that.
Also while thinking about my program name.
I realized new thing.
I think I had many problems.
Cause I was second generation religion person.
And I have a brain threat.
There was a gap in how I saw things.
People with brain threat have a gap.
I'm curious about what other threat I have.
Religion is supposed to make you feel safe.
But I was full of worry.
Religion always says things that don't match.
I didn't know how to deal with that.
I was a very serious member.
And trying to live correctly made me feel bad.
And broke me.
I couldn't decide my path or study well.
Cause I couldn't see the real world.
I had problems.
I was raised by religion.
So my value didn't fit with the people around me.
It was hard to live.
And I have many bad memory with other members.
I didn't do well in that community.
I always had doubt.
I wasn't just different after I left.
I was different even when I was in it.
I couldn't fit into the dark roots of that group.
09:03
To sum it up.
I tried to believe.
But it didn't work out.
That's the end of that.
I'm recording this part now.
I wanna talk about what happened today.
As usual I thought about.
What if I lost my hearing.
I wouldn't be able to talk on my podcast.
Even if I could hear.
I couldn't speak.
I wouldn't listen to English songs or practicereading.
Also when I study English sounds.
I feel like I become a person.
Who helps people with their speech.
I actually thought about becoming one.
But 10 years ago.
Not really aimed for it.
But I could go to a school.
To study the brain.
It's a job where you work with people.
But I heard there are risks.
Medical jobs have risks.
So I got scared and gave up.
I gave up being a doctor.
Also I had to record the English episode.
For today and tomorrow.
When that happened.
I feel like I have to do the work.
For the day after tomorrow.
I always do that.
Also I sleep during the day again.
I don't know if it's just bad luck.
But when I'm awake.
The videos that come up.
When I watch.
I thought that was unlucky.
I thought that was unlucky.
In those times.
I tried to tell myself that.
This is what I actually wanted to see.
Also I feel restless during lunch.
Why did I buy chickpeas.
When I still have many kilos of soybeans.
Everything is so expensive now.
And I need to save money.
So I feel a bit down about buying them.
It was about 5 years ago.
When I had a blog.
Even back then.
I thought people would want to see my blog.
12:02
Because I have a different life.
But I couldn't show that well.
So it didn't reach people.
I'm doing a podcast now.
And making things for people overseas.
I have a trait like religion.
A brain trait.
And staying home.
But people just think.
Oh there are many people like that.
I can't sound it up well.
And it's a waste.
And I'm sad about it.
I don't think I'm funny.
But when I talk to my mom.
I can say really sharp and funny things.
I think I have a good way of looking at things.
But there are things I can't say on my podcast.
So I just say them to my mom.
And that's it.
During lunch.
I'm thinking about a new courage.
I don't know if it's good or bad.
But tomorrow I'll mix soybeans and chickpeas.
It's a small thing.
But looking back at my life.
I made things so messy by overthinking.
That's why.
I usually don't want to try this.
But I have to use them up.
I worry.
But things like fiber.
And difference between them.
I haven't had a headache for maybe 6 months or ayear.
And that actually makes me worry.
If I get a headache next time.
There must be a reason.
Why I live the same way.
I shouldn't get one.
Even a small change can make me feel sick.
And it's frustrating.
It would be so frustrating.
Because I could have stayed fine.
Why I just live like always.
It's a bit of a contradiction.
Like I said.
Everything is small.
And my life doesn't change.
So I wonder.
If there's any meaning in this podcast.
But I live without making meaning.
So it's weird to think about what the meaning is.
Anyway.
The money from the Conan movie is going up.
It might be more than Doraemon seeing that moviewith me.
15:02
That's very rare.
It's been a classic for a long time.
But it's still growing.
I thought they were just being greedy.
But that's not it.
The people making it must feel a lot of pleasure.
I don't really know.
But movies are an anime.
So there aren't many things I can share withothers.
But seeing this makes me feel like I understandhow the fans feel.
Also my relatives has had a lot of Monaca cake.
At my house I got other sweets but never Monaca.
They cost about the same.
And people giving them are about the same age.
My relative has many dance students.
And they give them Monaca.
Why didn't anyone give us Monaca?
Every Japanese person likes them.
I would be happy to get one.
We were talking about why that's it.
Also I looked up why Conan is so popular.
It seems it's more popular than Dragon Ball orPokemon.
Which was interesting.
I remembered one more thing.
I went to a good hotel on a school trip.
But I don't remember the buffet being good.
I also don't remember the buffet with my grandmabeing good.
I thought about why and I realized it.
Just didn't fit my taste.
That's all it was.
It wasn't about the taste itself.
It just wasn't for me.
I've been to buffet more than 10 times.
Though also I don't know the difference betweenthe coffee shop and a cafe.
I don't remember going to them.
I asked my mom.
If we ever went to a coffee shop or if that placewe went to was a cafe.
I'm recording at night now.
My religious relative and my dad said something.
There was some dark secret.
My aunt was getting money from the government.
And my uncle didn't have a job.
18:01
My dad's side should have more money than mygrandma.
My mom's side left millions of yen.
But there's nothing left on my dad's side.
They went to similar care homes.
So it's strange.
My aunt probably didn't have money.
So the money went there and never came to ourhome.
My uncle and my mom's side might have taken allthe money.
There are two.
But I can't talk about that today.
My grandma was weak and maybe gave him everythingshe could help.
I wish she thought more calmly.
We didn't get a single yen.
Our family has a lot of secret.
It's dark with religion and my grandma.
I hate next but dinner.
I had shrimp with chili sauce and croquette.
Croquette might be my favorite food.
But I can't usually eat them well.
I ate the boiling and the inside separatelytogether.
But I usually eat them apart.
It's hard to taste it well.
Today the shrimp was right next to it.
I couldn't focus eating them.
After the other made me lose focus.
There was also river.
Next people in the world worry about money everymonth.
But even people who make 6 or 8 million yen a yearworry about small things.
They worry that much.
How can people making 2 million yen even live?
But they live normally.
I don't know who is right.
Is it weird?
Just think this.
Who you worry about small things, your money,
would run out just by sending kids to cram school.
But that doesn't happen.
So I don't think you need to worry so much.
But price going up.
Maybe humans have a part of them that just want toworry.
A singer named Nietzsche said being under pressureis healthy.
21:00
Also I saw a TV show where a guy was asked for anight time by his wife.
All the men in the studio said they hate that.
That made me feel bad.
They were acting like they are better than others.
But it's like how middle school boy act.
They act like they hate it.
We are girls.
They like talk to them.
All the men they were saying things like that.
And it was gross.
Next I saw a video of someone picking out manycombination of clothes.
It's just like me thinking of a program name.
But I can't pick many names.
They can change clothes.
But I have to pick one and wear it forever.
That's hard.
Also I heard there are big cities like Kanto kidsdo private rhythm like ballet instead of schoolclubs.
I thought it was normal for boys to join sportsclub and middle school.
But maybe that's just a country side rule.
Many people in Kanto don't join clubs.
They keep doing their private rhythm.
I think that's better.
You should do what you want.
Like dance or piano.
You don't have to join a club just to fit in.
I realized my idea was just a country side thing.
I'm thinking about humans and the world.
I had a few things to talk about.
But I forget them and thought about other things.
Then I forget those too.
Sometimes I'm a bit slow.
I saw a famous person who used to be on TV forspiritual things and news.
It made me feel very bad.
My cram school teacher also liked spiritualthings.
Earlier sometime someone said the person in theKyoto incident has two sides.
The other person said it's just about who islooking at them.
24:02
Do you see?
These two are totally different things.
But they don't fix it.
The first person should have said that's not whatI mean.
But they just let it end.
This happens a lot in Japan.
The first person meant the guy has twopersonalities.
But the second person said everyone looksdifferent.
Different people.
They are not the same at all.
Also I listen to music and stay up late.
I like Hajimete no Chuu and Odoru Popcorn.
Most people think these are just for kids.
But there's a big difference between just for kidsand having great music.
Both songs have been covered by many singers.
That wouldn't happen
If they weren't great I would write about that.
It's 4am now.
I've been having weird dreams in my dreams.
Everyone is showing a talent on stage.
I was just watching and felt so frustrated.
My mom is there too.
I went to the stage and a girl from Nogizakashowed me the way through a tunnel.
I tried to think of something to make everyonelaugh.
But I couldn't do anything.
That's just like my real partner in school.
I thought I could go on stage for the clubintroduction.
But a senior did it.
It's embarrassing to think about that.
After that I always thought I shouldn't do this orthat.
I'm glad I started my podcast now that I'm olderin school.
I wanted to be different from others.
If I started a podcast then it would have been amess.
I said I'm very sensitive.
But there was a time when everything was too much.
Even the radio was a time when everything was toomuch.
Even the radio was hard to listen to.
I even had a hard time with classical music.
27:02
There were times I couldn't do anything.
Doing nothing was worse for my heart.
So I forced myself to listen to the radio.
I'm thinking of putting religion in my programname.
It's just one part of me.
But I want to think about it without the brain toit part looking back.
I was in a religious family and I was veryserious.
It was like special training for elite members.
My family worked together to make me a believer inschool.
Things didn't go well because my values didn't fitwith others in high school.
I tried to live perfectly by the teachings and Ibroke down after I quit.
The worry was gone when I was in it.
I had so many questions.
Also this is embarrassing.
But my microwave broke.
I bought a new one with grill since oil isexpensive now.
I thought this would save money but wait.
Pans use gas right?
I get excited or sad.
But small things like that.
I calculated how much it cost to use the oil.
And it's only about 10 yen a day.
I felt so bad about buying chickpeas.
But that's only about 10 yen a day too.
So I didn't need to feel so bad.
But the important thing is that I'm worrying.
But saving 10 yen a day.
Maybe having something to worry about is a kind ofhappiness.
When I was a kid I had no worries.
And that was actually my worry.
There is a sweet in Hokkaido called Northman.
It's been around for over 50 years.
But it's become really popular in the last 10years.
That's amazing.
Usually things get popular and then fade away.
But that's when sales are growing now.
I was moved by that.
Also bits of memory come back to me.
30:02
And I asked my mom about them.
She remembered a small apple pie.
But it turned out to be a kind of bread.
I'm glad I found it.
I wonder why these memories pop up about myprogram name.
I'm starting to wonder who I should use OCD ordepression.
I was wondering who I should use brain to it.
But rarely OCD and depression are a big part of mylife.
I thought depression sounded like a recoverystory.
So I wasn't sure.
I'm a perfectionist.
So I keep thinking there's more to me than justbeing a second generation religion person.
There are so many traits and it never ends.
I started to think my OCD comes from the religion.
If you have OCD you don't want to have religionask you to be right.
So you feel you have to think.
My mom told me to fix my OCD.
But I might not have.
It's why I was in that religion.
It makes me mad.
But I wouldn't have depression either.
The religion is the main reason.
It gave me so many bad things.
Like being reclusive and having depression.
These things are often linked with brain trait.
And many people who lived religion have trauma orPTSD.
So I have both.
No wonder I get depression.
I wanted to add another trait to my programdescription.
But I forget why I thought it was better not touse a sickness name.
But I found something better than brain trait.
I spent a long time wondering why I wanted to addit.
Thinking about the name helps me realize things.
When I was in school I couldn't trust myself atall.
When working in a group usually I trust myself 100%.
33:05
I'm not balanced.
I can read things with my own ideas.
Maybe I'm still like that.
Sometimes I can let anyone else do it.
And sometimes I can't trust myself at all.
