第5793回 ＥＮNo Hope No Story Only Friction

This show is a log of a mind with unusualy highobservational density. It quietly picks up the smal distortions and unspokendiscomforts that most people never notice. There are no conclusions, nolessons, no narrative arcs. Unprocessed thoughts simply move through as theyare. The tone is casual, but lightly philosophical—an easy “conversation ×reflection” structure that drifts without trying to explain or resolveanything. The host lives in Japan but doesn’t folow the social atmosphere ofthe inside. There’s a slight distance, as if watching the world from justoutside its frame. Not agreement, not rejection—simply observation. They have abackground of leaving a religious community, yet there is no anger, no recoverystory, and no search for salvation. They simply passed through it, and now theyare here. That quiet distance shapes the tone of the show. With traits thathint at neurodivergence and a past in religion, yet belonging to neithercommunity, the background stays unspoken— present only as a faint outline.There is no appeal to weakness, no story of healing. Events are left exactly asthey happened. The dryness of that approach gives the show its atmosphere.

00:01

Time continued to flow, in quiet stillness.

Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.

It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.

Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.

It's morning first. I'll talk about what happenedthis morning.

My phone had a bug, and I panicked.

When that happened, my routine breaks. It's notjust my action.

I had many routine. Next.

About my conversation with my mom, lately.

We've been talking about candy makers in Hokkaido.

But there's two snacks from Rokkatei.

I told her I'm sure. I never ate them.

She said, yeah, we didn't buy them for our house.

But, you know, we ate other Rokkatei snacks.

I said this before.

We ate them because relatives got them as giftsand left them at their house.

So it doesn't matter.

If we bought them or not.

When I told her this, she said, we didn't buythem.

So we didn't eat them.

Then when, why did I eat them?

What do you say, brother-son?

Why do I remember it so much?

When I asked her, she started saying we did buythem.

I don't remember.

Well, I asked why she thought I didn't eat the onefrom yesterday.

And she said it.

She said it was because it was a chestnut snackcalled Marron and it was inside the box.

My point is her answer was different from what shesaid before when I asked more.

New question come up.

It's a cycle.

It's frustrating that I can't remember everythingthat talk about here.

I wonder why I care so much.

But small things.

I want to talk about family things.

So that's why also I made a mistake in my math forfood.

I'm not bad at math.

And I'm very careful.

I shouldn't make careless mistake.

If I'm this careful, it shouldn't happen.

But I did it again.

03:00

Now it's afternoon.

I talked to my mom to check what we said.

It was hard.

I wonder why I look back at this strangeconversation.

I do it to talk here.

Cause it's so weird.

It became a long talk.

It was a disaster.

We talked hard.

But how it happened.

We remember.

When I got older, I went to buy manju at therelative's house.

Finally, I remember we bought the sand and the marron.

There were many problems.

First, I accidentally said I bought the sand froma different company.

I always said bought the sand.

But suddenly my mom said.

What's that?

We never talk about that.

I told her that's not true.

But she said the word never came up today.

I remember.

I realize.

I add the word.

And by mistake.

Usually a person would say what's wrong.

You mean bought the sand right.

But she didn't.

This has happened many times.

It feels like something collapsed.

It's like a hole opened up.

I feel like she couldn't be right.

She can't think about how others feel.

She said she was surprised.

Cause I suddenly said bought the sand.

It's an excuse.

She make the same mistake and get told off.

But then she said she was surprised.

Next, about how the talk ended.

I remember the flow and that we bought two things.

I forgot the very last part.

So I asked her if she understand.

Her answer was terrible.

She just said.

You said we bought two things.

I was shocked.

I asked about the flow and how we got that point.

I said that was the last minute of my talk.

She just said.

So you found out we bought Mara and Bata sandright.

It's unbelievable.

When I said I just told you this five minutes ago.

She brought up something from 30 minutes ago.

When I say this was the first thing she talkabout.

Something from just now.

We can talk after many times if she understand.

I explained it like she was a kid.

I used A and B.

I said we talk about how to get from A to B.

06:02

I said I forget that part.

Then she just said.

So it's B.

It's the same thing.

I told that she didn't understand the problem.

It's not about understanding the story.

She didn't know what the problem was or what I wasexplaining.

This isn't just about understanding.

I had to explain that she was saying somethingweird.

But this happened 20 or 30 times.

Then she said something that flipped everythingover.

It was shocking.

For the path around A to B.

I had to how about the part.

And she said we bought Manju and then Bata.

That's two.

So the story is over.

That makes no sense.

There's no link between Manju and those twosnacks.

I won't talk about it in detail now.

But it didn't explain the Marron.

I was surprised because the Marron was inside.

I don't remember why I was surprised.

But we talked for 15 minutes about it.

She said there's no distance between A and B.

She said she could explain it.

So I told her to try.

Then she started talking about things before.

She didn't understand anything.

It was a bad sign.

Then she said we never talked about buying thosetwo after the Manju.

It was more than a shock.

I told her a dozen of times.

I said after the Manju I heard the Bata sound.

I asked if she said we bought them.

We talked about many things.

Finally I remember she should talk about it.

But she said I'm just saying we bought two thingsafter the Manju.

I said that's the conclusion.

And I already knew that I didn't need to rememberthe conclusion.

She said she knew the path but if...

So why didn't she say it no matter what I say.

She just said so we bought two things.

It's her usual pattern.

She always has something to say back.

It's terrible.

09:00

She makes the talk hard and then gets stuck onsmall things like the Bata sound thing.

I asked her to explain if she knew.

She just said it means we bought these two.

I don't know what's in her head.

I asked her about the path again.

And she said that makes we bought those two.

Finally she said she didn't know.

I said I don't know what she doesn't know.

That's all I could say.

I said giving up.

She said something random and then tried to end itby saying I don't know.

It's like borrowing a million yen and then sayingI don't know.

It's irresponsible.

She said weird things.

I explained she said more weird things.

She didn't even know I was asking about the path.

How did we talk this long.

She said she knew.

But she didn't.

It's strange.

First she said she didn't know.

Then she said she did.

But she didn't.

We talked for 40 minutes.

It was hard.

Since I started this podcast two years ago.

This doesn't happen much.

Before I spend all morning or afternoon on this.

It's happened because she gets stuck on smallthings.

I explained she said something weird back.

I'm tired of this.

But totally I heard the song and was moved.

I'll probably talk about it on the podcast.

But it might be boring.

I don't watch anime.

I saw Totoro over 20 years ago.

But the music feel like it's in the heart ofJapanese people.

I can't say it's in one word.

It's not my route.

But it was good.

My feelings were strong.

I'm surprised.

I'm still moved by the music.

But that's all.

I'm always frustrated about food.

I only remember the taste of salt and pepper andcheap steak.

I don't know what steak tastes like on TV.

Yesterday I asked my mom if it tastes like sukiyaki.

I can't remember the taste.

It's frustrating.

Also Harry Potter.

I saw several movies but I didn't.

Even though it was about magic school.

The only movie I understood was Doraemon.

I thought I would understand an SF story called Kanta Kichibata.

I didn't.

12:00

It was a hard story.

So I probably made it too simple in my head.

Next people say if that moment didn't happen.

I wouldn't be who I am now.

But if that moment didn't happen.

Maybe I'd win 20 million yen saying life is great.

Because that moment is shallow.

Some say they saved their life by taking adifferent path.

But life isn't over.

Maybe because that something happened in 10 years.

You'd watch that moment.

Never happened.

Every moment makes your life.

But that just happened.

How humans see it.

For example.

If you leave your seat at a baseball game.

And ball hits where you were.

That's a value.

If you were there.

Other things change too.

Values mean nothing.

If one thing change.

Everything change in our head.

We only think of two ways.

Being there or not.

But humans make millions of choices every second.

It's like walking over a complex road.

You choose a path.

Then another.

So life has no meaning.

If you did something else.

Everything would change.

You might have a problem in the future.

That would have happened.

My birthday is something to do with numbers.

My life is strange.

Today an idol was born on August 8th.

Her parents said she'd be so one big.

I had many things like that.

I thought about using numbers for my show name.

But I was seeing a hallucination.

I was feeling a fate that isn't there.

It has nothing to do with anything.

I was seeing a dream.

I thought about it again.

Also I like Mozart.

But take Bach then.

We don't know if he wrote all those songs.

Critics say his music is great.

But that's not certain.

Many people say he's great.

So worshipping him is like a religion.

I was thinking if I'm in a religion.

I knew that.

But Mozart is special to me.

A little is fine.

But blind faith is scary.

I know it's bad.

15:00

But I think it's special.

It's like a friend who thinks praying curessickness.

That's crazy.

But they believe it.

English and Japanese are opposite pronunciations.

They are totally different.

English is about saying some parts clearly andmaking most parts.

Ambiguous.

Not many languages are as ambiguous as English.

The least ambiguous language is Japanese.

They are opposite.

This is a big deal.

This difference makes them totally differentlanguages.

I feel like I started something hard when I gavemyself a rule for English pronunciation.

I get tired.

But time feels different.

When I talk without thinking.

Time goes fast with a rule.

It's a big road.

But time still goes fast.

It's strange.

It's because I'm focusing.

Doing things easily makes time feel long and hard.

Maybe humans need a road to make time go fast.

I knew that.

But it's still strange.

Time should be the same.

The first way is harder.

So time should feel slow.

But it's the opposite.

It's nice.

Sometimes I think about this.

I watch videos or listen to podcasts.

I used to do muscle training.

Even studying English feels like a waste of time.

Before I talk about philosophy things I don'tunderstand about the world or my trauma.

I'd wake up early for that.

Now I just listen to podcasts.

I listen to junk.

I wish I could do a philosophy show.

I started an English show.

Because I had nothing else to do.

My way is unique and lonely.

I don't know if it's right.

I'm really unique.

So I don't think about the right path.

But for the podcast it shouldn't just be self-satisfaction.

Having a goal is something I shouldn't do.

But I started English.

It's easy to study now.

But I'm not in school.

I won't be a teacher.

And I won't use it for work.

So studying feels meaningless.

I wish I spent time on other things.

But I have nothing else to do.

I watch videos because my reason.

Many reasons.

I have time.

Because I don't take bath.

And I make things efficient.

I don't know if that's right.

There's no right answer.

18:01

But I feel that way.

I'm inside.

So I have time.

I have to kill time.

It's good that I can kill time.

But I have to do it.

My life is just killing time.

Whatever.

I don't feel like that.

I feel like I could do more.

Not English.

Muscle training is fine.

But for the podcast I only find that.

I tried talking about developmental disorders too.

I feel like I could do something there.

For dinner it was tempura with egg.

The food I like.

I feel very tense.

And I feel fear of happening.

Happiness during the meal.

I cared about the sound of my parents' feet.

I couldn't eat well.

The sweet potato was sweet like candy today.

It was good.

The chicken was fried with potato starch.

It's very good.

It's a waste that only Japan and China use it.

I made okonomiyaki with it once.

And it was better than real things.

The onion tempura was good too.

And cucumbers.

Now it's middle of the night.

I was checking why doctors wash their hands sohard.

Before surgery even though they wear gloves.

I thought it's cause the gloves might get hurt orhave holes.

I saw people at the sushi shop washing their handshard too.

But they wear gloves.

Usually restaurants don't wash their hands.

They use gloves.

I wish I'd fix that.

Restaurants are terrible compared to doctors.

Surgery is amazing.

They use anesthesia of the body to fix the things.

It's great.

It makes many people to do it.

Also I was checking why Harry Potter is sopopular.

I understand it.

It's a fantasy.

But it's real life part.

That makes it interesting.

I also checked a playlist of American composerbefore.

Songs from other people were mixed in.

And I made the same mistake again.

Also I checked an urban legend in Hokkaido.

When he was a bad ghost.

21:01

Maybe that's why I saw my grandmother in a dream.

I told her she's already dead.

But she said she still wanted to live.

It was scary.

My parents went to the bathroom and thought aboutgoing too.

But I fell asleep.

I dreamed about putting my bag down.

Then I woke up.

I checked many useless things.

I only feel guilt I don't feel any but precious.

It's morning.

Yesterday my mom said candy maker called Ryugetsuis snack called Sanporoku.

Then she said it might be a different company.

I couldn't understand her.

I asked her Sanporoku is the same snack.

So another company have the same name.

I asked if she meant a different type of snack.

Or if she meant Sanporoku isn't from Ryugetsu.

She said she didn't know which company it was.

I told her she said it was Ryugetsu yesterday.

She kept saying it might be this company or thatone.

Then why did I say it was Ryugetsu Sanporoku?

Did she not trust me?

I didn't know what she was saying.

Sanporoku is from Ryugetsu.

It didn't seem like she meant there was a similarsnack.

She said Sanporoku is from the other one.

Also there was an accident at Asahiyama Zoo as aHokkaido person.

I care more people came than last year because itdidn't rain.

It's strange.

There was an incident.

Some people came to support them.

That's nice.

But I feel the madness of Japanese people.

Why is it more than last year?

From outside it might look great.

But I feel deep darkness.

I don't understand.

Why is more than last year?

Is it because they feel sorry?

I feel the darkness of Japanese people.

Also Reddit and thread I checked them yesterday.

It's useful because many people give theiropinion.

I don't have to sign up.

Other SNS have traps.

These two seem ok.

24:02

I talked about many things this morning.

Lately I talked about candy maker with my mom.

In Reddit the problems.

Maybe about Nogizaka too.

That's about it.

I wonder where I fit in other countries.

I realized I don't fit in anywhere.

I don't fit in with Japanese people.

I was born in the country.

I fit in with west.

Maybe I don't fit in because I was born here.

I have Japanese genes.

I don't know.

If I were born to Japanese parents and lived inanother country.

Many things would be better.

But my anxiety is bad.

So I cannot go to the dangerous place.

I wonder how people in the warring states periodstayed same.

They could die anytime.

But maybe their brains were different.

They like the thrill.

I don't know.

Yesterday the newspaper said.

There is a team that studies aliens.

It is to get money from the country.

If scientists really think there are aliens.

It's a waste of time.

It's like looking for Santa Claus.

It's a waste of text.

But if people enjoy it.

Maybe it's okay.

I heard the director of Harry Potter changed fromthe third movie.

I don't remember the movie well.

But I like stories like that.

Just kidding.

I don't watch anime.

But I felt nostalgic.

I listened to anime song show on the radio.

But I enjoy it.

I like hearing about where people went for trips.

I'll never go.

But I like the stories.