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Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
This morning, I'm gonna talk about twophilosophical things that are the follow-up towhat we talked about before.
There are many times when I do things even thoughI don't see any meaning and what's in front of me.
I do them because I know I'll regret it later if Idon't.
What do you think about that? To me, it feels likeI'm tripping.
Of course, there's no such thing as a timemachine, but time itself is just a concept humansmade.
So I think this way of thinking is very possible.
Last time, I said that would mean I'm living inthe future.
Also, how we look at the past changes from time tome, the time.
Even if we say we can't live in the past, the pastdoesn't really exist anyway.
So when we think about the past, we are sort ofreliving it or even changing it.
Some say time scrolls from the past to the future,and others say it follows from the future to thepast.
If you think it follows from the future to thepast, then you can change the past in the end.
It's all happening in our head, and that's fine.
Time is just something that works around in ourhead.
It's not in the physical space.
Physicists use the concept of time, but even time,they talk about it's just something in the humanhead.
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Time isn't something that exists or wrote in thisphysical space.
I think it's a human idea.
Next, when I look at the time scroll site, in thephilosophy category, many people think like we'reall gonna die anyway.
So there's no meaning to life.
I really understand that feeling.
Today I thought about this.
Imagine you work hard to train a student, but thatstudent will die someday too.
Maybe that student will train other student.
Maybe you think, I'll die, but my children areliving hard.
People comfort themselves like that.
But in the end, everyone dies.
In that sense, you can say there's no meaning tolife.
But if you ask why humans still live so hard, it'sbecause we're an animal.
So no matter how much we think about philosophy,we're animals.
So we eat when we're hungry.
We go to the bathroom and we sleep when we'retired.
Most people don't think about philosophy all daylong.
They might think about it for a second in theirspare time.
That's about it.
Usually people don't think about those things.
But humans are strange.
Because unlike other animals, we can think aboutthe future to some extent.
But other animals, for each moment, because theirlives are in the line.
That's why they don't think about the meaning oflife.
But humans can feel the future.
So we can think that there's no meaning to life.
Looking ahead, there's a contradiction between ouranimal side and our human side.
It's hard for me.
Because I feel that contradiction.
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The contradiction of just being alive.
I understand the question people ask.
Because living itself is a contradiction.
But the people asking that question are stillliving.
Even if we live with animals, there's a differencebetween humans and other animals.
Other animals can think about the future.
So whether they eat the food in front of them ornot, it's a matter of life and death.
But humans know it's not always a matter of lifeand death.
We know that even if you eat this and live for 10or 20 years, you will die someday.
One thing I can say is that even if we think aboutit, we forget it quickly.
And no matter how much we think, we still gethungry.
The reason humans have survived this long is thatwe have a strong desire to survive.
It's wrong to say desire.
But we are just made that way.
That's why most people live.
Ninety, fifty hundred out of one thousand peoplewill still live even if they think.
That's philosophy.
If not, humans would be extinct by now.
But for a specific person, it's strange.
But maybe biological nature is at work.
We are just made to act the same way as yesterday.
Humans live more automatically than we think.
Because we have a fear of death or we feel painwhen we are hungry.
We just repeat those things.
If someone is mentally fine, they'll probably justlive normally even if they think about philosophy.
In the end, it's not about what you think, butwhat state your body and mind are in that mattersfor surviving.
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I said this and that.
But usually, when things get hard, people take tofriends, eat potato chips or watch movies toforget their worries.
Usually, people don't think this deeply.
Next, I had a son or daughter and they becamesober.
I didn't think I'd give them any advice.
I don't know anything, but I think humans have aright to speak their mind.
If my daughter became an idol and I thought she'dregret doing things the way she is now,
then giving her advice might be the right thing todo.
I'd regret not saying anything.
No father in the world would say this, but I'dsay,
I don't know anything about you, but I'll regretit.
I don't tell you to do it this way, so please doit this way.
Now that I said it, I think that might be a bitmuch.
Maybe saying nothing is the right answer.
Like I said before, people care about others'feelings, but sometimes it's better not to becared for.
In the end, people are happy when they see theother person is happy.
So doing what you want might lead to the otherperson's happiness.
The human heart is many layers.
It's hard to know what's right.
I think too much.
Bad things.
I worry that if I say this, the other person mightfeel bad.
But worrying too much can also be unpleasant forthe other person next.
Sometimes we think doing something is easy, but it's actually hard.
We think doing something is hard, but we don'trealize it's actually easy.
While we are doing it, there's a gap between whatwe expect and what actually happens.
But that's only for the first time.
After that, we get used to it.
We get used to the burden and discomfort.
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But we don't realize that it has become easier.
That might be the case when I'm recording inEnglish.
It's hard for the first week or two.
But after that, it's not.
But my belief doesn't change.
Humans change like that.
Because we get used to things.
We change, but we feel like we have to loveeverything to live.
For example, we decide.
This person is a good friend.
This is my favorite food.
We live by deciding things.
But we are always changing.
The environment changes, and we get used tothings.
But if we change, how we think varies every time.
Life can be hard.
Even if you have a friend, your feelings will soonend.
Their feelings will change.
Your taste and food change as you get older.
For example, if you're walking towards a goal.
You see something on TV.
Your goal might change.
You keep thinking.
This is the place where unexpected things happen.
It's different from what you thought once you gotused to it.
You might think it's not as great as I thought.
And it's not even fun.
Things change.
But you don't just quit your job and go to thenext one every time that happens.
I call it a living hell next.
We are doing something.
We are unconscious of ourselves.
Because we are focusing.
So the feeling of being easy or hard disappears.
Even if you think something is hard or fun.
You are just focusing when you're actually doingit.
If you feel this is fun.
Maybe you're not focusing.
If you feel this is hard, there's something calledcognitive bias.
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I think studying is the best example.
Studying and games are the same.
There are many walls to overcome.
And you have to work hard.
When you play games, your shoulders and back hurt.
And your eyes get tired.
But you still do it.
Why does studying feel hard?
That's cognitive bias.
The image and reality are ripped.
And that happens to everyone.
But people don't realize it.
I realize it.
But maybe life is easier.
You don't.
I realize it.
Even when I don't want to.
I don't know why I wanted to talk about this.
But I'll just talk about the core part.
It's about human emotion and AI.
People think AI is about emotion.
But in 10 years, people's understanding willchange.
Emotions are actually something humans made up.
That doesn't make sense, right?
But people will realize it.
If you just believe that emotions exist.
You'll probably understand what those emotionswere.
Something humans have.
But AI doesn't.
But AI can probably create emotions.
But robots shouldn't be able to create emotions.
If you think that emotions aren't human things.
Then you'll realize that emotions are just moreautomatic things.
Like bugs.
Especially mosquitos.
They don't have emotions.
They just fly towards the light.
When you try to hit them, they fly away.
That's about it.
Humans are the same.
Biology studies those things.
Some researchers use mosquitos or flies to studythe human heart.
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They can do that.
It's essentially the same thing.
When you think about what emotions are.
You think about what the heart is.
I didn't think about it before.
I thought the heart and brain were names for thesame thing.
But the heart is a phenomenon.
It's not a physical thing.
Humans think it's an event.
It's a change you can observe.
It's a state.
In brain science, they say humans can't reallygrasp change.
I don't quite get it.
But if you don't grasp change.
You think something in front of you stays thesame.
Because you don't notice it's changing.
But the reality is different from one second ago.
You think something stays there.
But you just don't notice the change.
If there's an apple in front of you.
You think it's the same apple as a second ago.
And it'll be the same a second later.
But everything is a phenomenon.
You see something with an apple.
You think it's always there.
We call this connection that changes the heart.
This sounds a bit religious.
But I'll talk a bit more.
You think things stay the same.
But you've heard somewhere that things don'tactually stay the same.
Japanese people have that sense.
Which is why we think cherry blossoms arebeautiful.
They blossom for just a few days and thendisappear.
I don't really know why we find that attractive.
But back to the point.
That feeling comes from Buddha's words about shogyo mujo.
All things are impermanent.
For Japanese people, the Gion Shojo Bell, that'strauma for me.
I made a mistake in the first line and everyonelaughed at me.
I said that the bell rings.
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But it's the sound of the Gion Shojo Bell echoesthe impermanence of all things.
Japanese people make it sound pretty.
But I think they misunderstand it.
That's just how humans are.
What Buddha said doesn't really get through.
Buddha didn't want to say cherry blossoms arebeautiful.
He said everything is impermanent.
Japanese people say cherry blossoms are beautiful
because they're afraid that's a hugemisunderstanding.
Buddha would be shocked.
He didn't want to say everything here, evenyourself, is impermanent.
The Gion Shojo Bell is a beautiful poem about howlife is short.
But Buddha didn't want to say life is short orcherry blossoms fall.
He meant everything is changing.
I think you can't really understand that.
That's just by thinking.
Humans try to understand good things.
They can't.
That's why we say there's good in the forest orGod created the universe.
Since we don't understand shogyo, mujo, we thinksimply like
we can't live forever and we might get sick.
So let's be grateful for today.
Originally, mujo didn't mean fleeting.
It meant things aren't fixed but are processed.
Humans tend to focus on the fleeting part.
I think the human sense of beauty is great.
But because of the tale of Heike, peoplemisunderstand it.
I talked about Sayogama, the old man's horse, manytimes.
But I want to talk about it now since I can put itinto words.
Most people think it means you should stayfocused.
When things go well, positive people think thateven if bad things happen, good things willfollow.
But have you forgotten the story?
Positive people see hope everywhere.
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But in this story, the horse runs away.
You think that's bad.
But then it brings back a good horse.
But then the son falls off that horse and breakshis head.
It doesn't end there.
After that, there's a war.
But the son doesn't have to go.
Do you see what I mean?
Good things happen.
Wait, I just realized.
If the old man had been careful, the son probablywould have fallen off the horse anyway.
The person who wrote this didn't want to say thatbeing careful would have prevented the fall.
The lesson is that an event can turn into a goodresult or a bad result later.
So you don't know what happens after that.
You can't decide whether the result is good orbad.
In the middle of it, while I'm leaving, I arrive.
I can't decide on the evaluation.
It's just my own evolution.
As you might see, it's different from a micro viewor a great person's view.
Things might look different.
I have a fear of happiness and I'm not beingcynical.
But I don't think falling off a horse is happy.
If someone brought a horse to me, I'd be anxious.
So lessons are scary because they're just neatstories.
Rambling and events are meaningless.
But since humans have emotions and aren't robots,we see things as good or bad.
That's fine.
So I don't think I need to say something goodhappened.
So be careful if something good happens.
Just be happy.
If something good happens, just be happy.
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Someone who is careless will be careless.
No matter what you say in that example, you cantell someone not to fall off a horse all day long.
They'll forget anyway, like I said.
Humans get used to things.
Even if you are careful at first, you'll get usedto it.
Because effects are connected.
That's also scary.
For Japanese people, this is normal.
But for Westerners, maybe it's normal now too.
There are teachings that God decides everything isvery different from the Japanese view.
I was talking about cause and effect.
I said it's connected and you can't judge it's inthe middle.
But that way of thinking might just be a Japanesething.
People don't think about cause and effect.
You might believe God made everything in advice.
Maybe people really believe.
Fortune-telling are like that.
People believe in stars, signs, might think.
Things are decided in advice.
For them, Western stories shouldn't be necessaryor understandable.
To summarize, even when you think something isgood, life is still in progress.
It's still in the middle.
Even if something bad happens, it's still in themiddle.
You don't know what will happen.
Maybe it's connected.
We think an event is finished.
But things are always in a state of chaos.
Humans think the present becomes the past and it'sfixed.
But the past changes next.
What's the program name?
First Brain Treat are well known in Japan now.
But maybe there isn't much content about it.
It's not that I'm not interested.
But it's much more common in America.
I wonder how it is now.
When I first learned about Brain Treat,
there were many people doing academic work orspreading awareness.
30:08
It felt very different.
Even with religion, it's different between Japanand America.
Japan is a country without religion.
No matter how I think about it,
I don't fit in Japan.
I'm a misfit.
The same goes for this podcast.
Also self-help groups are very important inAmerica.
So some people are tired of them.
That's why, sure, I came to Japan.
But even in Japan, it's hard.
I'm probably not using special media well.
And my feelings are more than just frustrating.
Also, I remembered something.
Yesterday, I thought that since I couldn't do manythings online,
if I had mastered something like programming 10years ago,
it would have led to a job.
I thought it would have been nice to be a bitfamous in that world.
But I don't have that kind of talent.
The moment I think I have talent, it's over.
And like I said,
if I try to grow and improve myself with a senseof meaning,
I'll just get depressed.
It's not just getting worse.
It will be a disaster.
So my English study is the right thing.
It's not that I'm not serious,
but it feels different from studying what Istudied 10 years ago.
When I was in high school,
I probably would have quit in 3 days.
I think there is something else that fits mebetter.
When I was thinking about my path,
I realized my understanding was wrong.
I think this fits me.
But still, I thought I wanted to do this.
But I didn't.
So I don't know how high schoolers can decidetheir path.
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If you think about it again,
in 3 months, you might realize something new.
I don't understand how they can decide in highschool.
They don't just ask you the truth between scienceand humanities.
There's science, engineering,
fisheries, dentistry, pharmacy, agriculture,
medicine, law, economics, literature, andmedicine.
There's clinical labs, radiology, nursing, and soon.
In literature, there's linguistics,
psychology, philosophy, and history.
You have to decide that when you enter high schoolor take the exam.
You're still young, so you can't decide correctly.
I've fallen out of society.
But society itself looks strange to me.
I don't think I can fit or live in society.
When I'm shut in, it's frustrating.
But I think I don't fit into society.
I even feel it's good that I don't fit in.
I'm recording here.
I was listening to the podcast recently,
and one man's words really sounded like he wasbrain-tricked.
I'm not an expert, so I don't know.
But he's clearly not normal.
What he talks about, and he asks the other personquestions,
but he usually details his details,
and I don't understand why he asked those things.
He asked those things, but even though I am brain-tricked,
I don't understand him.
He asked questions in a scientific, geeky way.
I thought he was in a troublesome case of brain-trick
36:04
that was written in books, but people liked it.
But he was communicating well on the radioyesterday,
so whether someone with brain-trick can fit intosociety or not
might depend on something else besides the trickwritten in books.
Let's stop talking about brain-trick here.
I'm thinking of putting a hint about brain-trickin the program name,
but when I talk about it separately from theconcept itself,
I don't really like the concept because I don'tunderstand it.
It's such a new concept that I really don't getit.
I also don't understand what experts are thinking.
I wonder what they are researching.
I wanna talk about that here.
But I don't know.
But I don't know.
Next.
Something happened today.
I'm always simulating when I'll be in the hospitalfor my illness in the future.
Is hospice care okay?
But maybe whatever I say is useless.
This illness is very difficult.
If it's gonna be a burden on my body,
then just eating the pain is enough.
There's no merit in curing it.
But I manage it so far.
But I can't just leave this house and ignore theillness.
It's hard to know what to say.
And the state of it changes over the last yearsright now.
I don't need to rush to cure it,
but I shouldn't ignore it either.
It also changes depending on how I eat.
Next was the program name.
I think the most important thing is who I wannalisten to me.
But I forget that trying to decide things byconsidering everything in a balanced way.
Maybe that's brain trait.
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Also I have depression and other symptoms.
I don't wanna be stiff about it.
But the reason I talk about brain trait is alsohow I see things.
I think depression is one of the features of braintrait.
But if it's just an illness,
then depression is something that can be cured.
It changed.
I think it's meaningless to talk,
but something that changes.
If I explain myself here,
my state changes in two years,
then it's gone.
Of course people spread awareness.
So even if they are cured,
they change.
But I think it's meaningless to spread awareness,
but something that will go away or might go away.
I thought about leaving a chat in here.
Can I stay in this house forever?
When I think about that,
I put chat in in the program name once but took itout.
It won't last forever.
If I go to the hospital,
it won't be just about being a chat in.
My illness might not be a main thing,
but it might change.
I have to think that far ahead when deciding theprogram name is complicated for me.
I have many things going on.
It's not something people would agree with.
I'm so different from others.
Next,I used to admire things that were elegant oracademic or art.
I realized it's art because classical music,
I didn't think of it as art.
But I used to try to use academic things.
I try to spend as much time as possible with them.
Maybe it was an extension of high school.
But at some point,
I found casual things more attractive thancomplicated or fancy things.
I realized academic things are just complicated
and people are just posing.
I started things that way before I knew it.
Whether I do something that doesn't fit my levelor not,
42:04
I'm who I am.
I think casual things,
things that are dry and cold,
fit me better than complicated things.
So even if I have a chance to touch a lot ofthings now,
I don't feel like I'm studying it.
I'm just touching it out of curiosity.
Looking back,
I don't know when or why that change happened.
It's a bit different from when I became nihilist.
It probably just happens naturally.
I don't know.
So let's move on.
Today,I remembered a type of wild vegetable wassomething then.
I remembered it was a cup soaper.
Now,suddenly a 20-year-old memory came back.
Sometimes things come back like a flashback,
not just traumas.
I wasn't trying to remember it today.
Then I realized it was a cup soaper.
But maybe something like it was there.
It was something nostalgic.
I tried hard to remember today,
but I couldn't next.
What I usually talk about in this program is dailythings.
What happened today are trauma I remember from thepast,
but those are failures caused by being different.
Failures caused by being different.
I talk about philosophy,
but that's also cause I was robbed by religion andthrew away,
meaning those are things society doesn'tunderstand.
I talked about philosophy,
but that's also cause I was robbed by religion andthrew away,
meaning those are things society doesn'tunderstand.
I said brain traits are the reason,
but it's also about OCD,
depression and mental noise from being stuck.
It's all chaos,
so even if I say different,
I can't pinpoint the reason,
plus human's age,
so in 5 years,
my way of thinking might be completely different.
Humans change even in 3 months,
but the reason I'm doing this program is that
45:01
even though I don't have an essence or physicalself,
I think there's something that hasn't changed for10 years.
If not,
maybe I could return to society in 10 years.
That's hard to accept.
I want it to be one way or the other.
If I can't return to society now,
I won't be able to in 10 years.
If I won't be able to in 10 years,
then let me return now.
It's right.
Before my meal,
my father went to the bathroom,
but came out in a second.
I thought he just did it as a signal,
but he sometimes comes out during my meal.
That's also a problem.
It's suspicious.
I don't know why he goes to the bathroom
although I'm interested in people.
So when I find someone interesting,
like Demon Kakka or Hiroyuki,
I always look them up on Wikipedia.
I can't quit that habit.
I tried to quit for a while,
but it didn't work.
Next,about food.
For dinner,we ate chicken cutlet.
It was in the meat section,
and my mom loved it.
The breading was already on it,
so you just have to fry it.
It might be better than the one in the dairysection.
Also better fried onion.
They were good,
and something like porridge with eggs,
also radish and bacon.
That was good,too.
It was like porridge.
My mom had lunch at a hotel yesterday for 1,200yen.
I saw the picture today,
and it looked like hotel food.
It was authentic.
The salad and soup were good
because it was a hotel.
It was all you can eat.
I'm moved by things like that,
and I like hearing about it.
Then,soba with wild vegetables and shrimp tempuraball
was with delicious hotel chefs after all,
but for wild vegetables soba,
48:02
I'd rather eat the soba by itself
and vegetables by themselves,
but the program name,
being at home for 17 years,
has an impact,
but I don't feel that way.
I think people can relate to the religion.
There are many who left religion,
but they are looking for stories about recovery.
It's the middle of the night.
I wanted to go to the bathroom
and was going downstairs.
Then I heard a voice from below,
but the light was off.
When that happens, I panic.
I have my routine,
so I lose track of what I'm doing.
Now while using my smartphone,
I was thinking that I have to focus when I act,
but I felt I lose focus for a second.
Then it didn't work.
Maybe my head went somewhere else.
I'm focusing, but I'm also thinking,
so I'm acting unconsciously.
I'm losing track of what I was doing earlier.
I remember I used to worry about English dictionaries.
I worried about which dictionary to use for myexams for a long time.
I don't remember much about the English one,
but I worried about that too.
I worried for a month about which reference bookto use.
That doesn't help with studying.
I forget about the English dictionary.
I don't use it at all.
I think I drew some lines in it.
Next, I wanted to listen to a podcast recently,
but I don't know.
I worried for a month about which reference bookto use.
That doesn't help with studying.
I forget about the English dictionary.
I don't use it at all.
I think I drew some lines in it.
Next, I wanted to listen to a podcast recently,
but I don't know.
Now that it's night,
I feel like I don't wanna listen to it today.
Sometimes I feel that way.
I couldn't listen to it today.
I listen a bit, but not much.
When I listen to a podcast,
I go all out to pick which episode to listen to,
and which not to.
It feels like I'm worrying really hard on it.
Recently, I've been eating soybeans,
51:04
but I don't smell them much.
Now, my body is itchy.
It's been really itchy, really.
But today, when I scratched its head,
it wasn't itchy at all.