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I want you to flow in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those smallmeaningless shifts.
It's evening. First my heater.
Started making a weird noise. It just happened.
Then it stopped. I thought it's over.
I tried turning it on many times, but it didn'twork.
After a while, it turned on again.
But now I'm scared. This is my usual pattern.
Even if the heater is fine, it makes me realize I'm in a bad spot.
Everything else feels small. Why does my worryjump like that?
My stomach has been hurting all day. I keepthinking about it.
I know health goes up and down, but I wonder howmuch more I'm hurting than other people.
Even though I'm very tough on myself, sometimes it's just too much.
I wonder how bad this daily problem feels.
But for normal people, I remember when I had acold in school.
I felt totally hopeless when I got better.
I thought about how great it is to be healthy.
That's how bad it was. Maybe I'm just weak, ormaybe I'm different from others.
I saw people on TV being very polite.
But they're both clients.
I think about how I don't have that experience.
When I go to the dentist or see famous people andworkers on TV,
I see how they act with people above them.
I wonder if I did okay with people older than me.
In my club, people older than me liked me.
But I don't have that real-world experience.
And it makes me feel a bit sad.
Today, someone showed me a site called Reddit.
It was a Japanese version. I thought it was onlyfor Americans.
I looked at the part about developmentaldisorders,
and it looks very useful, and the windows lookgood too.
It's better than 5 channels.
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I also saw a YouTube channel yesterday.
English pronunciation was bad.
But seeing them post videos made me feel brave.
I was happy someone showed it to me.
It makes me feel good and brave.
Someone also showed me a book and radio show, andI learned a lot.
I'm just really happy and feel brave.
I've seen Reddit before in search results,
and it's easy to use.
Next part, famous people.
Why do they act so shy?
When they say or do something, they wait a lot.
I wonder if it's really that embarrassing.
I think they wait too much.
Bright things I don't want to talk about too, notmany.
But they exist.
Here, I'm 100% honest.
I talk about the things that happen.
But maybe most of it is stuff that's hard to talkabout.
I wonder why I feel shy with myself,
and I think it's trauma.
Life is me, and I was made fun of or told I waswrong in school.
I'm stuck on that.
But trauma is trauma, no matter what happens.
That's why I wait or hold back.
I'm recording a lot.
I went to the bathroom, and the toilet paper wason the floor.
It was fine before.
It's weird that it just fell off the hook.
But I can't change my routine.
Even if it's on the floor, I just keep going.
Before, I would've changed my routine and fixed itfirst when things like this happen.
I feel sad thinking about how my family has beenhelping me.
Why I have to buy a new heater because of this.
I feel like it's a lot of work.
I'm a fast person, so I want to decide quickly.
I spend three months on a show name, and I savemoney on everything.
But I just wanna buy a heater first.
I hate worrying about it.
I can't explain my personality.
I made fast choices before without thinking andfelt bad already.
I wonder why I don't spend time on big things whenI spend so much on other things.
I halfway give up because that's just how I am.
I heard that father and sons don't get alongbecause how they are made.
Thinking that everyone in the world is like thatmakes me sad.
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Other people don't matter to me.
But thinking it's a rule of life is sad.
Even without that rule, we don't get along anyway.
Knowing that people who look happy might get alongbadly makes me feel bad.
It's been fact.
When people say that while I eat, I always getworried.
I feel weird worried, so I do things to makemyself feel safe.
It's like a habit I have to do.
I look up, looking up. It's like telling my body I'm okay.
Before, I used to stare at one spot and when I gotworried, I don't have those big worries now.
But then when I feel uneasy, I look up.
But I can't eat well if I look up, so I look down.
Then I reflexively wonder if I'm okay.
I can't fix this because I know I'm doing it.
It was hard before.
Every time I had a bad thought, I stared at thewall.
I thought staring at one spot would stop my badthought.
I used to look at what was in front of me whileeating.
Even now I say things to myself.
It doesn't mean anything, but I say this is okay.
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast and someonesaid
They can't do many things at once.
Everything is separate, like in a drama.
Scenes are connected, right?
But for me, for some, they aren't.
Someone said the scenes are separate and that'sinteresting.
What happened 5 minutes ago and what is happeningnow feel like different things.
If that's true, you can't see why things happen.
I would test for that in my brain check.
It checks if you see why things happen.
I would put it in that.
So maybe I can understand the story from start tofinish.
That person said they don't prove our memories.
They just live in the now.
Like an animal, what happened before or whathappened next doesn't matter.
There are many lines running at the same time.
If they think about A, B, C, and D, their thoughtsjump around.
That's ADHD. I like that.
They called it color lines.
They said many lines are moving at once.
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I don't know if that's right.
The first person said they only have one way.
Maybe I'm like that.
People who can do many things, do they have allthose things in their head at once?
Cooking habit. I get what they mean.
But I don't really get the idea of developmentaldisorder.
People say multitasking about it means manythings.
I hate the word developmental disorder.
The experts are just playing around.
I wish they'd stop. I'm not just complaining.
I'm sad about it.
I want someone to fix it.
Things are getting better.
Now robots make food. I saw a famous shop today.
They use machine for rice, which they've done fora long time.
They just put the fish on top.
That's the same as the robot making it.
I talked to my mother about this.
But she didn't get it.
She said the shop with only robot is cheap, butthe fish is different.
She said it was worth it.
But I think the robot part makes it cheap.
I wonder if people could just buy a machine andmake sushi at home.
When I eat, I hate the sound of my parents movingtheir feet.
Eating is complex.
Chewing, tasting with your nose and tongue.
Maybe I'm bad at it or can't focus.
Normal people do it without thinking, but I haveto focus hard.
If I focus, then after I eat, I realize I was onlytasting and nothing else.
I wonder how I lived this long.
It was rules, but not just that.
There were times I hated life.
I tried to join that group in Switzerland twice.
Why did I stay? It's what I said last time.
It's because I'm an animal.
The drive to stay alive is big, but maybe it'smore.
I won't ever just stay in bed.
As long as I'm alive, I have to go.
It's 0 or 100 for me.
I don't have hope. I shouldn't have it.
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But I don't have total sadness either.
Total sadness is also a way to run.
When you're driving and that goes away.
I don't feel like I'm done with life.
But I have no goal or meaning. I just have to goon.
I go with the flow of time. Time just passed.
I've been thinking about why I keep going.
I don't know. In religion, you think you're beingread.
I'm thankful for my family's help, but it's not areason to read.
Is it fun? No, even if I have fun.
It's not why I live. I think I just give myselfrules.
Also, I don't want to take the easy way.
For me, living is the harder thing, so I pickthat.
If that's the reason, it's crazy. It's not fromthe religion.
I threw all that away.
I don't want to make a flower bloom in life.
I have no big plans. People who feel nothing stillhave it.
It's better you feel nothing because you had hope.
Even kids feel it. Asking why do I live isn'treal.
The real question is how I live calmly every day.
It's because I have no room. Everyone is likethat.
When you are busy, you don't worry.
I don't even have time to be free.
Not because I'm busy with work,
but because I have rules for myself 24 hours aday.
If I sleep, maybe I'm like a machine.
I choose to be like that.
For dinner, that meat you just fry.
It wasn't that good thing, but the meat was soft.
That cabbage was good. I think it was a silversalmon.
It was good. I like salmon sushi, so I should likecooked salmon.
I liked the salted ones before.
The macaroni salad this morning was good.
There was no mustard, but it was good.
There was mayo.
I was surprised to hear people put boiled eggs inpotato salad.
I would think today for the first time,
the macaroni salad with a little potato in it.
I happened to be eating it.
I think Hokkaido food shop and department storesare amazing.
Three times a year for two weeks,
I saw some videos about it.
So many people go. It's a big chance forcompanies.
They make new things for it.
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I saw there are many food pics items.
It's like a festival. It's on TV, too.
Since I'm from Hokkaido, I don't get why it's sopopular.
It's the middle of the night. I just woke up.
I don't have to go downstairs today, but it's areal reflex.
My mouth doesn't feel green after sleeping,
so I wait until I wake up.
I couldn't sleep, and I'm worried.
Should I go down or sleep more?
20 minutes passed. It's rare for this time.
It's snowing in Hokkaido. Snow fell from the roof.
It's probably below zero.
I had a heater on before, but during dinner,
yesterday I noticed it got too hot while I slept.
My skin felt itchy.
I thought about not using the heater today.
And then, it's snow.
It's a problem. If it's below zero, I need theheater.
But I don't wanna be too hot.
Real things are big things for me.
This is from yesterday.
But the people who pick food for the Hokkaido shopare really fat.
Both of them have no chin.
They are putting their lips in the line.
I also look up to Hayao Miyazaki.
He makes things even when he's sick.
He pushes his life into it.
I usually think about this first.
I can't be a creator like that.
I remember a rice in school.
When I was under 15 meters, it was hard.
But it didn't feel that bad.
With people watching, usually the real thing ismost stressful.
But for me, it wasn't.
I practiced so hard alone.
Usually people don't work hard.
They take it easy when they're alone.
If the catch isn't there, students take it easy.
I'm not like that.
If I'm alone, I push myself too hard.
It was bad in school.
I practiced hard.
I worried about my heart.
So I'm scared thinking about what happened to meafter 10 years inside.
There's an idol girl who finished college.
But her room is so messy.
Her parents have to clean it.
It's funny, but also she's cute.
But can't clean.
It's very dirty.
Maybe it's ADHD.
If so, it can't be helped.
But I was shocked that 20 years old with herparents cleaning her room.
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My mother suddenly talked about Hokkaido candyshop called Ryugetsu.
I wonder why she said that we were talking about alocal shop.
Then she mentioned Ryugetsu.
I wasn't talking about all of Hokkaido.
So I was confused.
I kept talking.
But my head was panicking.
Yesterday on a podcast, someone said they have aschool degree fetish.
Not that they look up to people with degrees.
But they have a fetish for it.
I thought it was rare.
The reason was very strange.
But it's good.
There are all kinds of people.
It opened my mind.
There are many fetishes.
Some idols can't clean their rooms.
When I hear that, they actually seem morecharming.
Yesterday I heard a story.
But someone in the host crowd was interesting.
The more I heard, the less I understand what'sgood about it.
I don't get it at all.
It was fun.
I want scientists to study it.
Why do they spend so much money?
One day, I was too fast and recorded an Englishtalk yesterday afternoon.
Now I have an extra one.
I talked too much about religion.
Leaving it in a Japanese one, looking at eachcountry,
I wonder if my talk is better for people in oneplace, looking at the date.
I wonder if English is better after all.
It depends on how you look at it.
This is embarrassing.
But in middle school, I signed up for things on mymother's phone.
It cost money every month.
A friend's husband who knows about phones helpedstop it.
I wonder if they saw everything I did.
Usually that doesn't happen.
I feel weird about that special situation.
I wonder how it really works.
Did it stop the program?
Did he find out?
It was probably just a music site.
I still worry.
I'm mourning.
It's mourning when I was in religion.
I didn't say no and I was serious.
But my body said no.
It was a contradiction.
Since I'm a realist.
I noticed when things don't match,
the more I try to run the right way,
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the more questions I have,
the more I try to live right,
the more I see the gap between the rules and thereal world.
But the short name, I was thinking about it.
I noticed something new.
Did I really ask what's the meaning in school?
Everyone asked if there's points to studying.
Maybe I was just very cold about things.
I wasn't like the other cold kids in class.
Maybe it's my bone and state.
My dates weren't always empty.
But I wish I would...
One thing, I was really into...
I was serious about religion, at least.
That's why I noticed the gap more than othermembers.
Because I was serious, I noticed them.
It's weird, but for this podcast,
maybe I watched things too closely.
Maybe that's why I noticed so much.
Or maybe I noticed the gap because how I am.
It's a bit hard.
But maybe I wasn't believing.
I was just seeing how well exactly.
I could do what I was told.
But everything in religion is a lie.
So I noticed the low quality stuff quickly.
I felt it was a contradiction.
I didn't just follow blindly.
I thought about what it meant
and pushed away the things
that didn't match the real world.
I wanted to fix the parts that didn't make sense.
The leader of my religion said
things that didn't match.
It was in the books and the talks.
So I noticed other people might have noticed
but they believed blindly.
So they just passed by it.
They don't get stuck.
Usually, being in religion is like a fantasy.
So you shouldn't ask if it's right.
That's how it works.
Believing is a big thing.
I was trying to see the world too exactly.
But that's why I saw a gap with reality.
This morning, I washed my body and hands.
So I got cold.
It was snowing.
If I should use a heater, I turned it on.
And I felt so guilty.
It's been a while.
Now it's warm.
So I feel like I failed.
I don't have a recorded English talk today.
I feel like I was taking an easy way.
I guess I'm just a person who feels more bad thangood.
I'm different from others.
I've been worrying since this morning.
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So the bad feeling is stronger.
The heater timer downstairs seems broken.
It's broken at the same time as mine.
I felt bad about the microwave and the gap thing.
Before, I told them to fix it.
It's hard to wake up in the night.
But it's only 10 years old.
Maybe it's normal to change it.
But I went people the last three years.
Lately, I care a lot.
But Hokkaido candy, even though I don't eat it.
This morning, I was talking about Rokkatei.
I can't remember it well.
My memory and parents' memory are different.
They talk about things I don't think I ate.
We should have eaten the same things as ourrelatives' house.
I imagined things a lot every day.
Yesterday, I imagined.
I was at the sushi shop.
A TV crew asked if she was on TV.
Her mother answered my mistake.
I wondered what to do.
In that case, I also imagined a famous personworking at the shop.
I wondered why the boss was mean to them.
But the boss said they did well at the end.
I was thinking about that.
Honestly, I've been thinking about what it wouldbe like if I had a girlfriend in high school.
Or what life would be like if I were married.
I think about that all the time lately.
I'm thinking about things I don't even want tothink about.
It's like a dream.
Sometimes it's a fun thought.
But most of the time, it's a bad one.
About the show name, I notice I'm not moved by it.
Feeling like it.
My rules move on.
I don't have to wait to feel like it.
If I can't act without feeling like it, or havinga person,
I wouldn't keep up with my life.
I know that.
So I live by myself.
I find that out.
Also, I was too fast and decided to record anEnglish talk.
This afternoon, what I could do.
It's tomorrow morning.
I worried a lot and decided.
I hate people who like novels and think they'resmart.
That is reading.
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But I don't care if a rock band plays.
I hate people who like novels and think they'resmart.
That is reading.
But I don't care if a rock band plays a cute song.
I don't think why are they playing a cute song.
I just don't like the smart feeling produced fromnovels.
I also don't like people who say no to others justbecause they can't.
I just don't like the smart feeling people getfrom novels.
I also don't like people who say no to others justbecause they can't do it.
If I am bad at novels, I shouldn't hate people whoread them.
I don't like that.
Also, people who like musicals.
I also don't like people who say no to others justbecause they can't do it.
If I am bad at novels, I shouldn't hate people whoread them.
I don't like that.
Also, people who like musicals.
I know an announcer like that.
They think their hobby is high class.
I don't like that.
Why not opera then? Rakugo is the same.
People who have a real hobby are proud of it.
I don't like that.
My hobby is totally different from others.
But I don't like being proud of being different.
It depends on the things.
If someone likes manhole covers, that's fine.
There was a famous person who loves stuffedanimals.
They were touching them the whole time in myvideos.
They were running on them.
Maybe a stuffed animal is OK for them.
I don't get running on things.
But maybe I am running on something withoutknowing.
I don't have the courage to read.
I thought it was weird.
Someone in a drama was running.
Reading on a megaphone is weird.
Over 10 years ago, I listened to classical musicevery day.
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Back then, nothing had meaning.
But classical music did.
So meaning is about how you think.
It's about what you do.
You do what fits you.
You feel meaning.
I also noticed it can be too easy.
It has to be a bit hard.
So you don't ask.
I listened to classical music every day.
Back then, nothing had meaning.
But classical music did.
So meaning is about how you think.
It's about what you do.
You do what fits you.
You feel meaning.
I also noticed it can be too easy.
It has to be a bit hard.
So you don't ask.
What's the point?
My feelings were very deep.
But eating, as I said before, you don't usuallydream about eating.
Even if you do, you don't know the taste.
I think the brain can't track the mouth.
But it's too complex when you focus.
You can't remember.
Because you are too focused.
Maybe I focus too much.
I mean while eating, I'm tasting things that aren't there.
It's not that my taste is weak.
I'm just having a vision.
Eating is very complex.
Only humans try to taste their food.
But I don't think anyone is really tasting.
They are making it up.
Also the difference between 1 million instrumentsand 200 million ones.
Only a few people know.
They are just seeing the gap.
The second one is probably true.
Humans see things that aren't there.
Like a famous person or its story.
And that's fine if you eat it.
As for big things in life.
I don't think you should have too many dreams.
Like thinking you'll be safe forever.
If you marry someone or that you won't have anaccident.
When I watch videos, I can only listen or watchthe movement.
I can't do both.
I mostly give up.
But it makes me feel bad sometimes.
I wasn't focused on the talk at all.
But even if I listen, it doesn't mean much.
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Maybe I should listen.
I was sleepy and sleep-slept.
So I had to go back in the videos.
I worried too.
I saw a comedian in a video.
He shows up.
Music thing too.
I don't get why.
He was trying not to give up.
I don't get what he wanted to do.
I don't get why he's popular.
I checked before.
But I still don't get it.
A big musician.
When I watch videos, I can only listen or watchthe movement.
I can't do both.
I mostly give up.
But it makes me feel bad sometimes.
I wasn't focused on the talk at all.
But even if I listen, it doesn't mean much.
Maybe I should listen.
I was sleepy and sleep-slept.
So I had to go back in the videos.
I worried too.
I saw a comedian in a video.
He shows up.
Music thing too.
I don't get why.
He was trying not to give up.
I don't get what he wanted to do.
I don't get why he's popular.
I checked before.
But I still don't get it.
A big musician.
Touching the mic stand the whole time.
You know how kids do something to look cool whenthey are shy.
He did that the whole time.
Maybe he was shy.
What was that?
This morning we talked about which famous peopleare popular.
I get why this one is popular.
They are funny and cute.
But why is that one popular?
That kind of talk.
It shouldn't matter to me.
But I can't stop asking why.