00:03
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason. It was a tiny fluctuation,never meant to be recorded. Yet this program gathers only those small, meaningless shifts.
Theory. I had a habit of searching for things I'mcurious about in the morning. I had two things Ilooked up. I remembered one, but I forgot theother thing right after. It's frustrating.
First, I asked my mom if white tendons used to bemore beautiful. She said she didn't know, so Ilooked it up.
I found that there's one worker shortage now, sothings have changed, but before they were chosenfor their works. I wonder about my mom's sense.
I also checked all you can eat lamb dinner at alocal hotel, but the lamb probably isn't fromJapan, so that doesn't make me happy.
I also constantly look up what pro shogi playerseat for lunch. I spend so much time on these smallthings. I spend months thinking of a podcast name,too.
I'm sad that I don't spend time on importantthings. I don't know if I'm unlucky or justclumsy. If I worked and used this much energy, Imight be successful or at least liked a group.
It's frustrating because I spend time on uselessthings, but looking for meaning in society can behard, so maybe it's better to be these meaninglessthings.
I realized I was very active in religion before,but I didn't actually believe it.
When you believe it, you don't have doubt or seethings that don't match. I always questioned andfelt a pushback. I was the opposite of a believer.
03:01
I was just focused on how to do what I was told. Ithink about popular groups, too, even if I were inone. I eventually have to leave, so I feel likethere's no point.
I feel the same in school. I feel life ismeaningless, but I still thought everything andeventually I'm more like an animal and now livingfor the moment, but I still think this way.
Everyone else seemed so busy. They don't thinkabout these things. I watched Harry Potter. He'sfamous wizard because he lived, so people look upto him.
I feel like I've seen this before. When I was inthe baseball club in middle school, I was fit andrespected in religion. Everyone knew mygrandmother, so it's like Harry Potter.
The movie shows him struggling. My life is likethat, too. It started well, but went bad. I lookedup articles about the movie. It was all about hintfor the next movie, so it was pointless.
I spent so much time on it. It's a movie for kidsmade by the same person who lived at home alone,but I couldn't understand it. I was shocked at mylack of understanding, but for some reason Iremembered the character's name quickly.
I wonder why I'm getting better at uselessknowledge, but lunch, I couldn't get the mathright. I asked my mom for the recipe from a fewdays ago when I was used to 10, 100 grams of tofu,but she said she didn't have it.
Then I said, 100 grams of soybeans or chickpeas.She said, you just said the mix of both for 100grams. I never said that. I asked for one or theother. She spent the whole time looking for a mix.
It's a shock when this happened. I don't think she's just mishearing. I think she's not trying tolisten.
I asked if I used 8 to 18 grams of soybeansbefore. She said no, because I've been using tofu.She always makes this guess and thinks I'm the onewho's wrong. It's frustrating that I can'tremember the details.
06:27
But it feels like we aren't even the same kind ofanimal because we can't talk at all. I asked aboutthe soybeans again, and the answers were alwaysweird.
She said I wanted to find it quickly, but she hada weird idea in her head. Eventually, it wasexactly what I said. 100 grams of tofu and 100grams of soybeans.
Harry Potter and the Spirited Away came out aroundthe same time and were very similar. I think thedirector might have talked. I found over 10 thingsthat were the same. I felt like I was the one whodisappeared.
I talked before about the zoo incident in Asahiyama. Even after that, more people went there. Ifeel the darkness in Japanese people. Some say it's an animal's fault, but that's not the point.
It's about whether you feel bad going there.People go because it's a holiday and everyone elseis going. Japanese people are too good atfollowing others. I think humans are complex.Sometimes seeing someone's wish come true makes ushappy.
But today I saw about the opposite bad feelings.In Harry Potter, I saw people yelling and angerand sound. It was pointless. Most people feelbetter just be bending, but I think it's just asmall fight.
You really hurt the other person. It meansnothing. Even if you say something, it means theyjust get mad and you gain nothing. But I'm ahypocrite because I still want to get back at theEnglish teacher I hate.
I wanted to tell him his teaching was bad, butobjectively it didn't help me. Maybe I'm too cold.Most people are happy just being angry. I just endup saying nothing and losing.
09:14
I feel like if I'm the only one losing, I shouldmake him feel bad too. I don't want to just listento him. With English, I've been trying to cut outeverything unnecessary, but it's hard.
I have a rule. If I change too much, I stop andstay the same for a while. I talked to my momabout the lamp at the hotel. It was a soft folklamp, but it's a closed lamp, which is the same asthe one from overseas. I explained this two orthree times.
Three hours later, she said this looks like goodto me. She didn't listen at all. She pretended tounderstand, but didn't. I feel like she's trickingme. It just makes me tired.
Celebrity said that when they ride a bike, theytalk better because they aren't overthinking. Ioverthink and fail, so maybe I should use part ofmy brain for something else. It's nice whensomeone puts their feelings into words. I wish Icould do that.
It's like how I can focus better on my meal if I'mthinking about something else. If I focus too hardon one thing, it goes wrong.
My notes on my phone disappeared. It's like aspirit took them. I never seen that happen. I hadto trace hard to remember what I wrote.
I thought about the name with my notes. I realizedthe purpose is how we explain our actions. Reasonis for the past and hope is for the future,meaning life is how we explain ourselves. Humansare always explaining things. I thought I was arealist who didn't do that, but I'm doing it rightnow.
Maybe I'm not a pure realist, but I don't make mylife into a story or fiction. This is a realrecord. In the last years, I like things that givea clear reaction, like food or English.
I like things that are physical and solid. Peoplesay you should be better or reach a goal. I thinkthat's silly. I think the idea of myself is just astory.
12:16
I see myself as a story because I have an ego, butI can't help it. I'm not looking for truth likephilosophy. I'm just dry, but not completely dry.In Harry Potter, I noticed things like socialclass. It's made for many people, but I don't likethose things.
It seems it's hard for me to watch, even though it's for kids. I find it hard to follow. There's aline, but our choice matters more than our talent.It's a nice thought, but I don't like it.
Whatever you choose, it's just luck. If it worksout, it's too pretty. Also, right after I watchedthe movie, I saw new, but another movie. It was astrange coincidence I looked up why some adultclubs can do more if they aren't registered. Itseemed like they take more risks.
I still regret what happened with my girlfriend inhigh school. It's not that I miss her. It's that Ithink I wouldn't have become a hikikomori ifthings were different. People have said I don'thave a human heart. I think I act differently.
My friend's cousin died, and my friend is fine. Myparents thought he was heartless, but I think hejust doesn't act. He hates lying, and I hatestories, so I won't act like I'm sad. I'm justclumsy. I'm not a science nerd.
I just don't believe in things like effort orhope. I find a real meaning in daily life, but Idon't want it too much. My philosophy is that lifehas no meaning. I've looked at the void for a longtime to keep from falling in.
I use rules and discipline. I think everything isjust an object, but I don't always act that waywhen I'm just living.