00:04
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'll start by talking about what I noticed today.
When I was in school, I had people who read groupsof older students.
Even when I watched TV, I had watching people whowere too excited, but
Something I found out were people who talk about alot of heat, weather, and something they want tosay.
So they talked like that.
On TV, it's not that. They are just answering aninterview.
But the heat comes first, and then words sit ontop of it.
So the things they're talking about are emptyinside and have no real meaning.
I can only feel their emotions.
So I thought again that normal people in our worldand I are fundamentally different.
But that's something I remember many times.
I quit my religion once, but I went back into thesame religion one more time.
Even when I look back now, I don't remember thereason why I went back at that time.
But I think there was no real reason.
I guess either way was fine for me.
When I quit after that, it was just how the systemworked.
Then one member, a young woman, told me not toquit anymore at that time.
I think I should have said, you're the only onewho said that to me.
Also she praised me before that too.
And I don't know why she praised me.
But I think I should have said, you're the onlyone who said that to me at that time too.
03:02
There were other members around us.
But it's always the same thing.
It seems like the same thing.
But I end up thinking different things every timeabout this.
It's the same thing though.
Also I was watching the drama and all the morningshow.
And there was a person who could become a doctor.
So she went to a nursing school.
People made fun of her for that.
And she became very angry.
But that never happened to me.
I think I'd be ashamed of myself instead.
Even if you get angry at the other person, it hasno meaning.
Could someone say that to me?
I just think that's true.
Going to a nursing school because you couldn't getin a medical school.
It's something you have to deal with by yourself.
Getting angry at the person who said it doesn'tchange anything.
So I guess my way of relating stress is differentfrom other people.
I don't feel better.
Just by getting angry at the person in front ofme.
Also like always.
I saw an NHK announcer today somewhere.
But the tricky thing is that I probably saw thisperson about 10 years ago.
So I don't know.
This kind of thing is annoying.
Also watching that drama.
Nurses have their own role.
I noticed that everyone in the world reacts likethat.
They look for something only their groups have.
Or something only they can win with.
But in the first place, you can't say which isbetter or worse.
So that's fine.
It's good if you can be happy with that.
But I can't do that.
I don't know if my hate for losing it to Twitch.
Also about my English teacher in high school.
There was a person who couldn't get a teacher'slicense.
When I was imagining how that person was thinking.
06:09
I thought, well, I'll buy a good car anyway.
And if I work, I'll spend money on that.
So my saving won't change much.
I won't have regret.
Or maybe they think because they were hard tillnow.
Things will be fine from now.
Also it depends on what kind of high school theygo to after that.
But they went to a school in the countryside.
If it were me, I think it's valid.
I think if I passed 5 years earlier, would I havemore saving?
Or would things be like this now?
I was thinking as if I were that person.
It's just an imagination.
Speaking of that, I also imagine an adult parenttelling their daughter.
You've had a hard time till now.
So you'll only find things from now on.
What's happening now is small things.
I don't think this kind of imagination all thetime.
If I could become a scriptwriter or a writer withthis imagination, that'd be good.
But it's different from that kind of ability.
It's also different from the ability of artists togrow their imagination well.
People say only a child is good for being anartist.
So maybe there's something the same.
But it's different from creative work.
Also most of my imagination connects straight tomy bad memories.
Which is a terrible thing.
Also when I watched rehearsal videos of a liveshow,
I think if I were a captain, I'd say somethingbetter.
His saying held the stuff really necessary.
I want to do something strictly like this.
I just think.
Also, watching dramas is terrible.
In the first place, I forgot that there's a maincharacter.
I was watching this morning drama for a reason.
For a morning drama, the main character is veryclear.
09:03
I was watching it to write down everything.
But the fact that there's a main character.
Then I suddenly noticed.
Oh, there must be a main character.
Come to think of it, this girl stood out quite abit.
And she was a main character.
I noticed someone told me.
Although there are scenes where they speakEnglish.
And since I'm practicing pronunciation very hardnow.
My mind goes only there.
My mind always goes to the part I care about.
For a long time, I've been interested in girls'school.
They don't have boys.
From what I hear, there are popular girls.
Idols can't have a boyfriend in the first place,right?
The difference from normal girls' school is thatthey are very beautiful.
And there are people who look like they'd bepopular.
I've been very interested in what that feels like.
Today, one popular member said that other membersprobably look like a boyfriend.
This person becomes like a boyfriend and also agirlfriend to other members.
I wondered what's going on.
It was just a silly story I heard, though.
Next, they're sending the heater for repairstarting tomorrow.
That means my mother and father will sit in thedining room.
So I care about it again.
I think I should look in that direction.
But I still care.
That's my current worry, concern.
I don't think it'll get cold, though.
Also, rarely time passed away too fast.
I thought time passed fast, rarely.
More than 100 times in the past few years.
And that's the most scary thing.
I wonder how my feelings can change this much.
Maybe it's getting faster and faster.
And I really think time passed slowly, rarely.
Well, it's good things and bad things.
But my life is just killing time.
Also, today I was listening to the story behindmaking a music video.
They put money in it, but there are all things youcan't understand unless they explain them.
12:03
So even for a music video, which is a commercialand easy thing compared to modern art,
they put many thoughts, but you can't understandthe meaning unless they use words.
I wonder if there's meaning to that, who you can'tunderstand the meaning without words.
Is there a meaning to express it with art?
I'm sure there's meaning.
But for me, I don't think that's the charm of art.
To continue the earlier story, usually people don't think about life having a meaning.
They think it's a little bit of meaning, so it'sfine to live.
But there's no meaning.
They think life has no value.
For me, through many steps, the existence ofmeaning and the continuation of life are alreadyseparated.
So my stance, there's no meaning.
But it's fine for me to live.
It's totally different from positive thinking.
Positive thinking is the state of emotion afteryour illusion, right?
I'm sure you know that.
Also, I stopped asking for a reason to exist.
When you know the word, there's no meaning.
You either look for a new meaning or ask for it.
But for me, I don't treat the lack of meaning as aproblem.
Some philosophers say there's no meaning to live.
But they find some hope in it.
They mean we should make hope ourselves.
Kami is like that, and Nietzsche is close to that,too.
For example, they say we should look up at thesun, even inside the empty place.
But I don't even feel the need to look up at thesun.
I'm just living.
But it's totally different from giving up onmyself.
It's a natural fight against the lack of meaning.
I'm keeping my daily life going.
I'm not trying to overcome the emptiness.
I'm not drunk on it, either.
What's left is just to try to keep my daily lifegoing.
First, there's no meaning.
But my time in religion, usually, when you are abeliever, you lose your clear thinking.
15:05
Inside the story, the religion, but always throughthe strongness, the life, the story.
So I think I was a person watching even before Ibecame empty.
I was already a person watching.
So I gained the story of religion.
I gained the empty place after that, which is aterrible thing.
I didn't move back at all, without using emotion.
I was looking straight at its true form.
I was watching my religion, like I said.
I was looking straight at the fiction, meaning,for eight years.
And I noticed it's just an illusion.
For so many years after that, I've been lookingstraight at the empty place.
I've been living inside the contradiction that Istill live.
It's a contradiction.
Before, I thought it was a contradiction.
I didn't run away to look for help.
But there was a time I almost broke down at thattime.
I noticed that even despair, the story.
I noticed that being inside despair, just making astory, when I think about it now.
Being drunk and empty place might be close to agood thing.
But since it's despair, maybe that's kind of beingdrunk.
The empty place too, anyway.
You really face the empty place, you don't evenget that kind of despairing feeling.
People get in a hard time, despair, because theydon't really face the empty place.
So they think it's painful, there's no meaning tolive.
Now, for our imagination, there is a story thatthe baseball player, Yuki Saito, was crying insidethe manager's arm.
I was imagining who I was in the manager, who Icried with him.
Also about my school days.
This is my own school days.
I was imagining what if I forget about the examand spend time with girls.
Girls, I always talk with from any time.
She invited me to a date, so I should have held upa dear.
But if I don't only that, she wanna study too, soit's bad.
And I should tell her that career, why don't wejust study.
18:03
I was doing this kind of useless imagination.
It really doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
But I do this kind of imagination.
I have many things to do.
So today, in the drama, there is a scene where agirl wanna become a nurse.
So she asks her parent.
She come on pattern and drama that the parentlooked stubborn but said,
Do what you wanna do.
I think the parent drunk on a feeling of being aparent.
But in the first place, they love their daughter,so they wanna tell her to do anything.
They must be that feeling too.
So a parent's emotion must be complex.
It's not simple like I said.
The first one is being drunk.
But before that, they have a mind to support theirchild.
In the first place, by the way, who I was aparent,
I say, who you can't listen to your parent thismuch,
I'll become a nurse that a joke variety.
Now it's night.
I'm having a meal.
I feel like a tooth broken.
What I've been feeling the most for the past tenyears
about teeth.
I can't go to the dentist.
So I feel something strange today.
Also like I always talk about, I think theenvironment is important in life.
It's important to...
I know it in my head.
But whether I can do it, it's a different thing.
I'm not that skillful.
Or maybe my strict mind stopped it.
But I also feel that environment is not somethingyou make a purpose.
So as a result, maybe I'm doing it.
Also about something philosophical,
many philosophers say there's no meaning to live.
But they try to stand up against it.
They have a strong mind to find back.
They say there's no meaning to live.
But we should make a meaning ourselves.
In my case, I don't see lack of meaning as aproblem.
I don't hit there.
21:00
If you say there's no meaning to live,
having hit is strange, right?
That means you're feeling meaning.
I hate to argue against philosophy.
But I can't help it.
Kamui's philosophy fights against unfairness,
which means fighting against the lack of meaning.
But his idea that the world should have meaningfrom the start.
Now for the dinner story.
Yesterday's dish was delicious again.
White root, vegetable, carrot and fried fish cakeare good.
Also the sweet pork today was only delicious thanusual.
It was good that it's green onions inside.
The cabbage and pork were good.
The food is mainly very well.
The vegetables are good too.
I'm full.
Rarely my bed sheets make me move to the side.
It happens often.
But I put a lot of power to fix.
I can't help it.
Before that, part of the bed sheet I didn't wantto touch.
What's that happen?
My head becomes full.
That's when I go to sleep.
Also I'm sweating.
My body is itchy.
My life is very different from other people.
So when I think it's good that I feel lonely.
Also I don't...
When I think it's good that I feel lonely.
Also I don't know what I mixed up.
I thought there were many podcasts to listen to.
But there's not even one.
I thought there were many podcasts to listen to.
But there's not even one.
My favorite.
I thought I put them there.
Well, it must be the same mistake.
That's fine.
I looked for many books.
But there's nothing to listen to.
And I'm tired of that music too.
At night I can't do strength training.
And I can't study English.
So this state.
Having nothing to do doesn't feel good.
I feel like I can still manage.
But I don't know.
Next, as I progress more.
People who saw humans as special are people whothought humans were mind unlike other animals.
People who saw humans as special are people whothought humans were mind unlike other animals.
24:01
And people who didn't think the brain just makeone self but were looking at something deeper.
They're not the same.
I can do that.
Humans are very complex things.
Even more complex.
So there's actually no mind.
Humans are just automatic.
Mechanical things.
Nothing different.
Their notice is just made up.
Electrical signals are the same.
Anyway, people see something different.
Humans compared to other animals or other things.
They were feeling that they are doing somethingspecial.
When AI does that.
You notice that humans think bad things mechanically.
Though it's complex.
Students in America were great in relation withAI.
That means the number of students were good grade.
The increase a lot.
And I thought about that.
The human race can't evolve that suddenly.
That means school test were nothing but cheaptricks you can manage easily.
There were stupid things.
Simple things.
It's good that students with good grades increase.
But it can't be that simple right now for the nextstory.
Recently I had a chance to see a demo song on itsvideo.
When I found out how a song is made.
I'm listening to a composer singing SMAP's Yozorano Miko now.
And this song grew this much.
So he must be very surprised.
I thought he must be shocked.
Also maybe it's because the writer of the word.
The famous artist.
The composer's name is not known at all for thissong.
And I even misunderstood.
I thought he must be shocked.
Also maybe it's because the writer of the word isfamous artist.
The composer's name is not known at all for thissong.
And I even misunderstood that writer of the wordmade the music too.
But I feel like the writer of the word is makingan impression that he made the song.
Since people in a world think he made it.
Everyone misunderstanding it.
That goes too far.
And I think it's crazy.
In the first place I think the words don't matterat all.
So if the writer of the word stands out more thanthe composer.
That's another question.
27:02
And I can't stand it.
And I don't know why it became like this.
When I was in school after playing with friend.
I made him wait for a bit.
I should have let him go home first.
But I made him wait after playing.
And I remember that many times.
I think he must find it strange at that time.
I was thinking.
But it's just now.
I wonder why I made him wait at that time.
I regret it.
The other person is acting normally.
But he definitely found it strange.
Probably it's morning.
This is what I thought in the morning.
I told my mother and father not to do a finalceremony with the religion.
But I didn't tell him not to call the people whowere in it.
Since it's my mother and father.
They might find a way around it.
Doing a religion.
Final ceremony which I had.
Also I wonder if brothers and sisters close inage.
Don't think anything when they are young.
I often hear that.
The other sex is bad.
But I wonder if that's true.
So I was looking it up.
The result obvious.
Also when I'm streaming like this.
When it passed about 3 minutes.
I start thinking that many people are listeningthis wrong way anyway.
So why am I recording.
That they'll come in and I keep recording anyway.
But it's a bit tough.
But summer is coming.
It's a bit tough.
But summer is coming.
Until now I used to do strength training.
Or something like that to get ready for the summerheat.
I was getting really ready.
Before my mind almost broke.
So I get worried around this time.
In the morning.
I think about how I was brushing my teeth.
With a sweet droppings.
Before.
But lately it's been.
Ok.
That worry comes up to try and do it.
But it'll break my body again.
Also I've caught a cold lately.
And that's scary too.
I worry.
Which is scary.
Last night I was caught.
So it's fair also.
I was making notes.
30:01
But my show.
No.
Not up.
It seemed there's mistake.
This morning too.
I did not done the important things.
But noted down something else.
It was important.
But it should have been the first thing to do.
So I mixed up that.
Didn't save the note.
Which I felt very bad about.
To check if that was really necessary.
Took 30 minutes.
I rarely use time.
Or the kind of useless time.
And time of night.
Also for town event.
Sometimes there are things that are.
Way too much for a small child.
I can't say specific.
But there was one the other day too.
It looks like nothing but mind really.
Also about the drama yesterday.
I was talking with my parent.
And I said the daughter.
It looks like nothing but mind really.
Also about the drama yesterday.
I was talking with my parent.
And I said the daughter.
The bakery is great.
Then my parents ask which girl.
There are about 10 characters.
There is no way they remember the name.
Even if I say it.
My parents won't understand.
Cause they aren't watching.
I was written what to say.
When I asked that kind of question.
Also the heater.
It's gone wrong today.
My parents say.
There it was standing anyway.
I was lost.
I thought it's fine to sit.
During this period.
But yesterday.
I thought my parents.
Responsible anyway.
And they are really terrible parent.
And terrible person.
So I couldn't say.
It's fine to sit.
And I regret it later.
So I was lost.
I am also losing my way.
But the show name.
The show name is.
One thing.
For the English episode.
What kind of word to use.
It's.
Use the another thing.
Lately.
The streaming time.
It's too short.
So should I make it.
Once every two days.
Or should I keep the current way.
I am lost but.
That being too short is bad.
No matter how many times.
I hear it.
I don't know.
What's an outlet store.
I think it's nothing different.
From the shopping mall.
Policies are same.
33:00
And.
I am lost but.
That being too short is bad.
No matter how many times.
I hear it.
What's an outlet store.
I think it's nothing different.
From the shopping mall.
Policies are same.
And.
Different between.
A big soft rice cake.
Rice cake.
Steamed.
I don't know which is which.
Different between.
Steamed.
A big soft rice cake.
So I couldn't say.
I am lost but.
That being too short is bad.
No matter how many times.
I hear it.
What's an outlet store.
I think it's nothing different.
From the shopping mall.
Policies are same.
I am lost but.
That being too short is bad.
No matter how many times.
I hear it.
What's an outlet store.
I think it's nothing different.
From the shopping mall.
Policies are same.
And.
Different between.
A big soft rice cake.
Steamed.
I don't know which is which.
Different between.
Steamed.
A big soft rice cake.
I don't know.
What's kind of similar things are all.
My ability to understand that.
Seem to be missing really.
I don't know.
The difference between.
A small clay technique and.
Normal dose pedal either.
And I don't know the difference.
Between android and.
iPhone either.