00:03
The Time Continued to Flow in Quiet Stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'll talk about what I realized today.
This might touch the core of who I am.
I almost quit religion.
It seemed people either hate and attack it, orthey're hurt and suffered.
They seem to need a lot of mental care or help,but I don't need help.
I'm not hurt. I'm not just acting tough or lying.
I don't need to lie here.
I thought about this for over two years, so I knowmyself.
I'm angry at the believers and the reader.
I'm angry at my mom and dad for putting me in it.
But I'm not angry about being in the religionitself.
People like me are rare, so I can show a thirdway.
That sounds a bit much, but I've lived stronglyfor two years.
This can be a guide for others.
In America, many people are quitting religion now.
I'm a person who looks for happiness.
So I should think this is a lucky chance for myshow.
I should think many people will like it.
But I don't. I'm just confused.
It's a chance, but I probably miss it.
03:07
I'm worried, but the show name game has lessstrength, so it's frustrating.
I can't show it in the name.
But I don't want people to think it's just a showabout religion.
Next, after I recorded the English part thismorning,
I thought about episode titles.
I'm extreme, so I thought about not using titlesat all.
But sometimes good ideas come out.
Next, I heard Shohei Otani shouted and moved a lotto avoid a pole.
I looked into why he did that.
The other day, the catcher's hand hit him byaccident, and he was very angry.
He's usually calm, so I wondered why he got somad.
Next, there's no way to buy tofu simply becausethe date is short.
But I spent time looking for it yesterday.
I often try to be efficient and fail.
Next, some people on the Internet attack me oncommenters.
I don't mean they're wrong.
I don't think they're just trying to be goodpeople.
I just wonder why they do it.
I have a strong sense of right and wrong, but Idon't feel like attacking me on comments.
Maybe they just feel bad.
But if so, they would go out of their way to warnpeople.
I think they're helpful, but I'm curious aboutwhat makes them move.
Next, when there's a crime, some people say theyhope the person gets punished by heaven.
I won't say anything to them.
But everyone's child knows that right and wrongare just values made by humans.
Japanese people, they just think with their ownvalues.
06:01
Society decides what's bad, because it'sconvenient for society.
The bad for the world, those people increase.
But it's just about what's good for society.
Heaven won't punish them.
There's no heaven or hell.
The morning now, I'm recording.
I picked a show name, but I'm a bit worried.
I finished early and went to the second floor.
I moved files from my phone to my PC.
I worried about episode titles.
I realized I can use my old show name ideas fortitles.
But picking from those takes so much time.
Not a lot of works I want to give up easily.
I should go in a totally different direction.
I either use the name or I can't find a middleground.
If I throw it away, I want a completely differentway.
That's how I can move on.
So I thought about making titles very simple likea memo.
Or meme.
I'd change the show name too.
I don't want to change the cover art every time.
I feel bad about wasting what I made.
But if I use the meme style, like just text forthe part, it's a new direction.
Then I can't stop worrying about the old ideasthat I thought about a new way today.
I picked the name on my PC for titles.
I won't use the show name.
I might just say, Day X After Quitting Religion.
That has an impact.
09:03
I've had this idea before.
I worry about which of the two ways to go.
Next I saw on TV that celebrity I like started aradio show.
I don't know most other comedians.
Idols often do radio with comedians.
When that happens, I wonder why I'm listening tothem.
I'm already struggling to live.
Why am I listening to this?
I usually listen to past time, but I don't want tojust waste it.
Since a girl I like is on it, I worry aboutwhether to listen.
I tried it once today.
Always like this when I...
Past time was radio or videos.
Today are idols talk about the costume.
She said she was really moved when she wore it.
I have no idea why she felt that way.
I think when I talk on my podcast, people mightnot understand me either.
But I try not to be selfish.
I only talk for myself.
It seems nothing.
I'm very sensitive about that.
I hate that.
For example, when I want to understand why she'smoved by a costume,
I can say things like that.
Most people would just feel cold.
Even if they don't agree.
I want them to think this person is moved by weirdthings.
That's interesting.
I care, but I don't get moved by anime or trends.
People want to feel the same.
But maybe they'll be interested in me.
I don't say hard time things.
But watching that video made me worry if peopleunderstand me.
Next, I see celebrities who stop working becausethey're unwell.
I wonder if they could do something.
But I think it's normal for people with cancer tofeel very down.
You never know what's happening in life.
12:04
It's not just a short feeling.
You can lose your will to live.
When my depression was bad,
there was a reason not just in the mind.
When your body hurts or you have a cold,
you lose your heart.
I have a heart disease.
So every two years, I have bad stomach pain.
It makes my depression worse.
I thought about using this for the show name.
But I'm a perfectionist.
So I'm frustrated that this will be hurt.
In the past, I could change directions easily.
But now my mind is softer.
So I can't give up.
I want to find something new.
If I can learn something,
because I'm worried about the name.
That's the best.
I can't use the old name.
But maybe that's good.
Because I can't stop worrying.
Next, the heel of my right foot started to hurt.
My sense of pain is weird.
This happens often to people with my trait.
It got worse before I noticed.
My life doesn't change easily.
So I forgot about it.
Today, I stood on both feet.
It's hurt. I knew it.
But I forgot.
I didn't think it was a big deal.
Next, chickpeas have more carbs than soybeans.
But they have a lot of fiber.
So they don't make you fat.
I was happy about that.
But since I only eat little,
I started to think I should pick a tastier bean.
When things go well, I look for something.
But I'm very negative.
Dinner was pork with miso.
It's like a Chinese dish.
The pork was good.
15:02
There were onion too.
I had radish, pickles, and liver.
It tasted a bit like lamb.
But it was different.
I had a simple fried fish cake.
It was good.
During dinner,
when my mom or dad broke their nose,
I panicked.
I'm weak to change.
I don't wanna hear that sound.
While I'm eating,
it makes me feel bad.
I picked a name,
but I don't know what to do about titles.
It took two hours.
When I took a look back,
my thoughts weren't that deep.
It was simple.
But I thought for two hours,
most people would say
I don't have to decide right now.
But that's my gap.
I feel I have to decide now.
Next,I think I should spend more time
looking at first at myself.
I can make cover art.
I can use that skill.
I had a chance in my life,
but I often said I didn't need to do them.
I feel bad about that.
I worry about it.
Next,sometimes,
I feel a sudden burst of energy.
During dinner,
I remember a girl at school
waved at me.
It made me happy.
I feel happy,
and then I don't know what to do.
I stop eating.
This happens sometimes.
Next,my podcast gets many episodes.
People can't listen to old ones.
I thought about making a news show.
I asked people to listen.
They said there's not much merit.
I don't see many people
with over 1,000 episodes in Japan.
Maybe not many people keep going that long.
There are no articles about this.
Some people start new stories after a while.
I couldn't find any info,
but since people already said it's okay,
I thought so,too.
But I got a clear answer that fits my question,
18:02
but it's a bit late.
I don't know the truth,
but it seems it gets heavy.
I thought of this myself.
I spent a long time blogging before.
I thought it wouldn't matter
how many times I post in the crowd,
but it might make the RSS heavy.
Also,there are too many episodes.
People won't listen.
I'm glad I found out.
But now,I have to think about what to do.
Next,I saw a comment attacking people
who don't have jobs.
I had a daydream.
I had to leave the hospital.
Someone told me to look for a job.
I have to leave my room.
I looked for a job 10 years ago.
I don't remember much,
but I looked for years.
I got a diagnosis.
I knew about jobs for people with traits,
but experts didn't understand me,
so I gave up.
No one understood this long story.
I looked normal,
so people don't get it.
I can't say I'm not worrying,
because my trait is hard to say.
I've been looking for years.
I practice what to say.
I just have to say I gave up.
No one will believe my unique belief,
so I've decided.
I don't want people more trauma.
Leaving the hospital is too late anyway.
If I leave,I have nowhere to go.
That's a problem.
Next,Pontiffile doesn't show everything at once.
So more episodes won't make it heavy.
I used to think Spotify was hard to use,
but that helped me.
I was looking into moving to a new feed
or making an archive.
21:04
It was hard,
but I found out images make it heavy.
That was lucky.
I found it by chance.
I feel like I'm in a roller coaster game.
I had a dream.
My mom and I were in Sapporo.
We rented a big room for one day.
I was scared of meeting someone.
I felt a lot of fear when I was a student.
I was scared to go into my house
because of the neighbors.
I felt that in the dream,
after I went in.
My mom came too.
I felt very happy.
It was a new place,
but it felt old.
My mom and I said the room was too big for Hokkaido.
It was like a room in a TV show.
Rooms in Hokkaido aren't that different.
But it felt like a holiday.
It was a strange feeling.
I've felt this somewhere before.
When I went into this room,
I felt very safe.
It was warm.
I wanted to live in a house like that.
It was a nice room,
but it didn't look expensive.
I thought about what it would be like
if I worked and lived with my wife.
It was a warm house in the dream.
I was moved by the buildings.
Not the art,
but the place is old.
But if a place is old,
I felt that at my school,
at the university in Hokkaido,
at my grandma's house,
I liked old buildings.
I felt the same thing when I lived alone.
But I was already depressed.
24:00
So I felt nothing.
Next,I smelled a rent house today.
I used to think every friend's house had a nicesmell.
I felt moved.
My grandma's house felt old and nice.
I want to build a huge house.
My mom worked at the school,
and she went to the professor's house.
They had a big yard and ate homemade bread forbreakfast.
It sounded like a mansion.
I want to see a place like that.
I will not chance to go.
Near my grandma's house,
there was a dark old house.
It was a house for both of the building company.
It was so dark,
I thought no one lived there.
It was a house,
but it had an extra expensive building.
It had many windows.
I thought it was a weird house.
Next,I had a daydream.
The police asked me about the case in Kyoto.
I didn't tell them my life until I realized.
Also,I always wonder how celebrities act withtheir kids.
Next,I'm gonna sleep.
I can usually sleep first.
It's either fast or it takes a long time.
When I sleep first,
maybe my brain is just tired and I lose mymemories.
Maybe I don't sleep for five minutes.
I just don't remember if that's a happy thing or ascary thing.
I was thinking about that.
That's all.
