00:00
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I managed to get things back to normal, but mymorning was a total mess.
But that made me think about what I said in mylast episode.
Students in school, workers in the company, andpeople who stay home.
Over there, I don't think I live a very strictlife, so I'm busy at home too.
That's why I'm doing well, and not writing anti-fearing about thoughts that push my head.
Strange wrong ideas prick me. I'm doing well, andnot writing random thoughts attack me.
It's built a good basic suit. Even if I don't callit a lure, it comes like a bone frame thatprotects me.
'Cause I can fill my time tidily without any gaps.
People who make product plans when they travel areprobably scared of making a gap for some reason.
This has been changing since my school days.
I watched a TV show today that explained about acompany, showing why their business is great.
But I have zero interest in listening to that.
I have no interest at all in companies.
People talk about companies or what they talkabout.
I've been that way since my school days.
I had no interest in art.
Brain only cared about deep school research, so Iwanted to be a researcher.
I hated doing research on companies.
I wanted to work in a laboratory no matter what.
Doing anything, doctors are lucky.
Other medical workers are fine too.
But doctors can do research while treating people,and they can go to big meetings too.
I have zero interest in what companies do or inthe money world.
03:00
It's still the same now.
I don't know why.
Next to talk on my podcast, I practiced talkingabout more serious reasons.
Students studying for tests so I don't forget.
But I keep forgetting.
Remembering again.
On YouTube, you get related videos, right?
Like before, now I watch videos of Nogizaka, and I'm happy they're there.
Before, I ran out of things to watch and lookedfor other things but found nothing.
So I had a hard time carrying time.
I really felt like I was in a terrible place.
It was enough to make me go crazy.
Now I have things to watch, but before I waslosing my way.
I can't watch every single thing that comes up.
Picking what is very hard, I can't really choosewhat is good or bad.
But when I'm inside an empty space, I try to pickand choose what to watch while making my ownrules.
But that gives me a lot of stress.
I start thinking, why don't watch this?
I don't need to watch that either.
Then I think, there's no meaning in watchingvideos at all.
Then I start thinking, why am I even alive in thefirst place?
It's better than to think too much.
Now I just watch whatever comes up easily.
When I do that, my real nature comes up.
I wanna watch everything that comes up.
My perfect self comes out.
I wanna choose between watching everything orwatching nothing at all.
This young way of thinking doesn't change evernow.
But YouTube just keeps showing related videos.
Next, I saw someone with a similar face today, andit burned me.
I forgot one thing I wanted to say and keptthinking about it in the end.
I couldn't remember it.
I started about why Amuro Namie left Komuro Tetsuya.
Also, I don't know why I never thought about thisbefore.
But most sweet buns combine Japanese and Westernthings like red beans.
I thought about many things when I think aboutbuns sold at convenience stores or supermarketslike Yamazaki buns.
And I don't think there are many Japanese buns.
Though jam goes well with toast, it's not rare orsweet neither.
06:07
But if you think about hot dogs or hamburgers, Idon't think convenience store buns use that kindof meat much.
In Hokkaido, we have beans buns, and I think thatwould be best.
But cream is the best.
Chocolate is wrong.
Peanuts is wrong.
And people have many opinions about curry bunstoo.
When I think about red beans, best is the one inthe story, but sweet.
The answer, I don't know.
But let's say it's just one story I heard.
It was too heavy for Japanese people, so that'swhy it happened.
The sweetness of cream and jam was probably hardfor Japanese people back then.
I think they shouldn't have eaten bread in thefirst place if that was the case.
But that's fine.
When I come to think of it, I see people on TV wholike to point out when people say two differentthings.
And they say it straight to the person.
But for me, I notice when people say two differentthings in almost everything that they say.
But when I hear people talk, I end up thinkingabout maybe they aren't saying two differentthings.
Or maybe they aren't saying anything strange.
I think they might be speaking for me, sayingthings I don't usually talk about.
But it's sad that I often don't feel anything atall.
And there's times that this happens a lot.
When you blend soybeans with tofu in a liquid andcook it on a heat, it tastes amazing.
But it makes me sad.
And to think that this discovery would ever beseen by anyone.
Though that's fine.
It clearly tastes like cocoa or chocolate.
Clearly, that means that the taste of cocoa orchocolate until now was actually just the taste ofburning things in the fire.
It's similar to red bean spread.
It doesn't have to be small red beans.
That bean just had the best feel in the mouth.
But putting it aside, whether it tastes similar ornot, any other beans would have been fine if itmet the condition for the beans around.
It didn't have to be small red beans.
They just used it because the condition matchedit.
09:11
It didn't have to be that beans.
This variety that was cocoa or chocolate wasactually that taste.
It means soybeans were fine for me.
I'm not tasting the real things for it, but Istill think it's delicious.
I thought this kind of thing probably happenedwith things other than food, too.
For example, if a very beautiful girl looks justlike her father, it makes you wonder that youthought was so beautiful.
But in the first place, this example is probablyhard to understand.
Next, I eat three blocks of tofu every day, but Idon't get tired of it.
Same with soybeans, I thought.
But why for a few years I figured it out quicklyafter thinking for a long time.
It might not be a quick answer, but I come tounderstand it little by little.
But before that, for some reason, I decided to eatcurry every day.
There are many kinds, right?
There are curry blocks from different companies,but even though I just started eating it,
I was already worrying about getting tired of itand feeling hopeless.
With tofu, I don't worry.
When I thought about why, it was because I had astrong mind for it.
I had a strong mind that I would go with this andthat there was no other choice.
So for me, getting tired of something is not inthe mother's mind.
So there is a sensory part for me at least.
That's why I never get tired of tofu at all.
It's strange.
Tofu doesn't have much sugar or fat, so it's notsomething you get hooked on.
And I don't know why it keeps going like this.
If it were alcohol, I could understand the reason.
Back in my school days, when I was in junior high,no matter how I thought about it,
Japanese music felt uncool to me.
So though I wasn't looking at it with a bad eye onpurpose,
once I started listening to old classical music,
I felt everything else was about the same.
But I still wonder about this halfway music thatcares about Japanese quietness,
12:02
both old stuff and new stuff, especially since Istarted supporting Nogizaka.
I listened to a lot of Japanese music.
Now, how do I feel?
I don't know, but there is a Japanese feeling andJapanese language,
and now the uncoolness feels sweet to me.
I feel a lot of coolness to it.
Also, I never thought that Italian fits musicwell,
but English is the exact opposite language.
I thought that was strange,
because English is supposed to fit music well.
It seems what fits changes depending on the styleof music.
That means Japanese might fit well depending onthe style too.
When it comes to how you say words,
there are many few languages that are furthestfrom Japanese language
that Japanese people can't say at all.
And I thought there were language countries.
I didn't know, but it turned out English was oneof them.
That was a shock.
We were forced to go to their school,
and I thought there's no way we can say it.
The other languages are places I don't reallyknow.
I wonder if that language is specific to people,
but since English is one of them,
it's impossible for Japanese people to be forcedto do it.
Even just for how you say words, it's like that.
From Japanese people's point of view,
it's impossible for Japanese people.
On the other hand,
you would think there are many languages close toJapanese,
but Italian and Spanish are surprising.
German is to Indonesia,
and Portuguese too.
That means you can tell just from how you saywords
that English is a very distant language for us.
Even if German is close,
I don't think it's that close,
but it's still easier to say.
So let's say about us with English.
But when I study English,
it really feels like a special power.
How can people understand it?
It breaks down in a crazy way.
It makes me think the structure of the brain isdifferent.
I talk about this in detail in my last episode,
but I'm standing inside the empty space.
I don't have pride,
15:00
but when I talk about it like this,
I wonder if I feel safety in doing that.
That's why I kept staying there,
but it's not wrong to keep staying,
and that's strange confidence.
Also after I quit my religion,
I feel like I was aiming for something until then.
There was an absolute thing.
So I feel like I was moving towards that absolutething.
There was a fake picture growth to thinking Iwould grow,
but now I know there is no absolute thing,
so there is nothing to aim for anywhere.
At first,maybe there was a bit of blank feeling,
but when you face the empty space,
even if you aren't aiming anywhere,
you start to feel what's wrong with just living.
You'd stop seeing it as a problem.
It doesn't sound human,
but I think it's a normal thing.
When birds, ducks, cats and insects live that way,
though I'm recording this at night,
I have two sides to my mind,
so even when I think about the short name,
the moment I think it's done,
I wanna emphasize this part.
I think I should have done it that way,
so it never gets decided.
Also during meals,
memory of regret almost explodes sometimes.
A guy from the basketball club
once told me I should go to the outside
and he was seen nice during gym class
and was a good guy to everyone,
so I keep wondering how I should have answeredhim.
Back then,I just find it so strange
why people worry about their past
or why they know things asking that in the firstplace
and strange.
I don't know how to answer in those times,
so I gave a strange answer and I regret it.
To add to that,
I hate scaring even a millimeter
close to anything like being hooked on something.
It gives me bad feelings when it stops from me.
A firm feeling is nothing but a scary thing.
Also I thought today when I was saying thank you
for the meal to my mother
and father reminded me about the comments
like feelings story,
then I don't have special thanks.
The reason these feelings change is because
the muddy flow from outside the world
and this life are full of mixing and change
like a muddy flow coming at you.
18:02
I make sure I don't get beaten down by it,
but I think it's fine and human for the mind tomove.
Some religion call it a bad desire,
but I don't think Buddha meant that having desireis bad at all.
I just wanna avoid getting elsewhere by this muddyflow
because it moves toward breaking down.
Oh,come to think of it,
don't you think this kind of sense a lot?
Someone in a higher position telling a youngerworker
that they've been doing this seriously
so it causes trouble if the younger worker does it
with a half-hearted mind.
You see,
that's a lot but that's junior high level that I'mnot
wanting to be
wanting to be looked down on.
They scared that because they don't wanna belooked down on.
They don't want what they've done to be mocked ordenied.
So they say it's because trouble when you do it
with a half-hearted mind to their worker oryounger people.
Until now,I didn't want.
What I am or what I've done to be mocked either,
but I just felt angry.
Those people say don't mock me straight out.
It's like it's normal to say that.
And I find it so strange that it's common for me.
Saying don't mock me doesn't feel very meaningful.
Instead of me telling them,
don't mock me or tell them to do it seriously.
It makes the other side looks like a slave.
It feels like I'm being mocked or what I've doneis being denied.
So making them do it seriously
makes the other side look like a slave.
In junior high,
there was a guy who mocked me
and I kept thinking I should say it
In a loud voice during lunch,
there I would tell our teacher everything he saidto me.
I wonder how I could beat him down.
At least I wouldn't stop him from saying bad wordsat this time.
So as a company,
maybe I should just say,
I'll tell most everything you said,
but whatever thinking about it won't help.
Today's dinner was tempura.
The amount was a bit large.
21:01
I'm happy to have that much.
The eggplant had almost no taste but had a nicefresh flavor.
The filling in the mouth was good and it was niceand juicy.
Also it was the first time having chicken tempura.
Chicken tempura is very delicious.
The sweet potato was delicious too.
Or the fried fish cake.
You should taste a good fish cake just a littlebit.
Also the onion that was delicious too.
Also the salmon.
Also today's lunch,
the beans tasted like cocoa and chocolate like Isaid earlier.
So it was very delicious.
I didn't put sugar at all.
It's strange to beans.
Also there is sugar.
Maybe my taste is strange.
But it tastes great also.
Cucumber tonight.
Yes,I'm recording right now.
Today while sleeping,
I put both hands inside my pants and scratchedreally.
I was washing my hands before using the toilet.
I went to the toilet first.
But today I had to go wash my hands.
And at that exact time,
my mother and father were eating tempura.
It takes time and I felt sorry.
And it always takes more to an end.
And this exact moment,
so I thought I had bad luck.
We just don't match well before for some reason.
I always went downstairs at the exact time.
My mother and father came home.
Where the opposite happened with great good luck.
And I could go up to the second floor.
It's strange.
It's either abnormally good luck or bad luck.
I hate comedians.
Generally there is a guy who looks quiet.
But has long dread hair.
I look him up on Wikipedia.
His partner got kicked out of school
for fighting with teacher next.
He got kicked out for a while
for fighting with station worker next.
He got kicked out for good
for stealing a tomato.
I realized there are really people like that.
It's crazy.
When I was a high school student,
there was a very strange guy in my school.
He looked very strange even to me.
He was super smart.
But I wonder if even a guy like him could do ajob.
And I imagined how he worked.
I thought if I were in the same workplace as me,
if even a guy like him could keep going,
I could keep going too.
I thought about that a bit.
24:01
But he was always sleeping during class.
And he was a hopeless guy.
I wonder if it really worked out.
Also I kept my mother and father standing.
They stand all day.
They don't lie down to rest.
They have a lot of strength to do that.
Before I felt very sorry about turning to hotwater during meals.
And I thought it must be hard.
But now they stand all day.
But there is no turning point.
And it just keeps dragging on.
I think about it in that way.
Also I thought yesterday's talk was finished,
but it's complicated.
It seems people have been putting jam on toasts
since a long time ago.
They put jam,
so it didn't have to be red bean paste.
But sweet buns only use red bean paste.
Red bean paste or cream were the main elements,
which is fine.
But looking at yesterday's talk,
the reason red beans are the main ones is
because jam is too happy for Japanese people.
The reason doesn't work anymore
based on today's talk.
If jam is fine on toast,
it doesn't work.
I hate things that don't make sense like this.
But things that make sense feel boring to me.
Also that last night,
on my usual time to go downstairs there,
right with the first floor,
no matter how many times I tapped the toast,
it was no good.
My mother and father seemed to be still awake,
but they had fallen asleep in the living room
and didn't notice I went downstairs during dinneryesterday,
so I felt sorry.
But this has happened many times before,
so I almost think it's revenge,
even if I don't call it revenge.
I think we are,
even these times,
they always say they forget something
and come back from quickly,
or worse things happen,
but with my mother and father and my school days,
I end up doubting them that way.
Also I was just daydreaming
that a random person running an idol group,
there is someone,
and everyone tells,
you were just a trouble at first
and only cause trouble,
but I don't think so now.
And everyone else,
shouldn't think so either.
He said it while crying.
27:00
Someone said,
being the center is impossible for me now,
I wanna do it at least once.
Someone said,
I feel the most room were closed
and you out of everyone so far.
I daydream about these things very clearly,
but it feels like a dream.
I wonder,
my bed if it was a dream,
or a daydream,
and lie,
because fuzzy sometimes,
or come to think of it.
Someone who had a sleep problem yesterday,
where you can't move,
said firmly that it's just a brain being awake.
They say it firmly because they are scared,
and wanna believe that,
but that person believe the inside,
but hearing that talks from people who sayrealistic things firmly,
feels good,
so that doesn't happen much.
Someone was talking about monsters,
and I wondered if they believed.
But they said it's fun as entertainment.
They said they use monsters as example to talkabout things they don't understand,
and I thought that was interesting.
Well,thinking they can say that preciously,
because they know monsters don't exist,
but they enjoy monsters.
I think some horror fans are like that too.
They don't really believe ghosts much,
but they enjoy it as entertainment,
and come to think of it,
most married couples should have separatebedrooms.
My best friend's parents were separate,
but they didn't do well in that house,
and the mother,
when I went out of her way to sleep in herdaughter's room,
because there was no extra room,
she hated being in the same room as her husbandthat much,
so that's a different story.
They gave reason like snoring noise or blindness,
but that's not a reason,
it's a benefit,
but I don't think it's a reason why marriedcouples did well,
yes.
