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I continue to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'd like to talk about what I noticed about myshow lately.
I used to be a reader, and in that time, I brokedown the idea, meaning.
I learned that things like absolute meaning,rescue, and hope are just fake pictures in ourhead.
But even after learning that for more than oneyear, I still think,
But while I'm doing all this, when I go through mydaily life, it bothers me.
First, there is withdrawal problem, because I wasdeeply inside.
Religion and its stories were so long.
Also, humans always wanna connect separate piecesof real data and make them fit together.
Your mind does this all the time.
It means you're making up a fake story, but a fakestory is fine.
From biology side, it helps you stay alive better.
So even when you fill a big empty space,
You force a meaning into it.
You make it convenient for yourself and thinkthere's good reason you're doing this.
That's one thing, and everyone does it.
Also, I used to connect every single action tosound kind of meaning.
Cause I had that habit for so long.
I get scared of this big empty space.
It's not that I can't shake the habit.
Cause I'm not trying to put meanings togetheranyway.
It's strange knowing in your head that life has nomeaning.
It's different from thinking.
But the point of doing this, you still get hit bythat big empty space sometimes.
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That's why the question comes up, asking what thepoint is.
The moment the question comes out, I just executea set action at a set time.
And that's how I ignore the question.
But the serious fact is that there's no meaning.
Anything is actually my safety line.
It's my safety line, but it doesn't mean it'srisky.
Or that everything is fine as long as I have it.
It's not that kind of thing that validates.
I don't know yet.
Also, I try not to lose this big empty space.
But I don't run away to a risk.
I feel this energy that says, I won't lose to theempty space.
I think it's refusal or just being stubborn.
But maybe every realist is fighting the samefeeling.
Because humans just naturally want meaningfullife.
They know there's no meaning.
And they know they shouldn't run away to rescue.
So they have this big fight inside themselves.
But for me, it's not that I want to run away torescue.
I'm just stopping my daily life from being broken.
I'm in the big empty space, getting swallowed byit.
What I fear most is giving myself up to this emptyspace.
I have that fear, and I should wait.
I realized another thing.
The most important thing for me was to keep goingby keeping things going.
I can fight off the empty space somehow.
But using the word keep going feels a bit wrong.
I'm keeping things going.
But that word doesn't show everything.
It hits me every day.
Every day, I feel like I'm about to get swallowedby this empty space.
It's not because I think nothing matters.
It's because I look straight at the empty space,stare at it, center it, and never run away torescue.
That's why it tries to hit me.
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Every second, I follow my routine and my dailylife to beat it down.
It sounds strange, but I use my actions to fightthe empty space.
With an empty space hit, you usually can't evenfight back.
I build a strong frame so it has zero space to hitme.
I don't give it a single second, and I bind myselfwith rules so nothing strange can get inside.
Also, I think it's good to have a habit of doingsomething.
You know, it's absolutely zero meaning.
Even just a little bit as part of your daily life.
If you don't have that set up, it gets reallypainful when you suddenly feel like nothing hasmeaning.
You need that set up.
Like I said before, I was born to live only insidethis empty space.
Because I was inside religion with a body likethat, it made friction.
Also, because I try not to get swallowed by it, Ihave to stay inside the empty space.
I'll break myself.
I talked about this a little bit before.
It's not that I'm afraid of getting swallowed bythe empty space.
The empty space means your body.
It's like a space with the air.
Like being thrown into outer space, it meansfreedom.
There are no barriers in the empty space, so it'sfree.
But for me, that doesn't work well.
The energy tears me apart from the inside when you're in a completely free state with zero weight onyou.
The energy coming out of you breaks you.
Also, like I've been saying, I used to do this inone piece.
Keeping it is one thing.
Instead of breaking it apart helps concentrate myenergy.
Making it a rule helps keep me together.
It stops things from breaking apart, so I don'tbreak.
The rules are very tight.
The empty space doesn't mean you don't care aboutanything.
It means you have so much drive and can doanything.
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And if you do that, you'll break yourself.
That's why I put rules on myself.
I put a heavy load on myself and purpose.
Next, there are rules and math that proves nothingcan be completely perfect.
But people will write themselves to make up astory to live by.
Thinking something is right, but there is noproof.
Everything is imperfect.
Even so, I copy these tight rules and follow theroutine I choose.
That's how I live.
But the important part here is that if I say otherpeople lived the wrong way and I ended up thisway,
or if I say I used to be in a certain way but overcame it,
then it just becomes a cheap story growing up or astory about myself.
That makes it very hard.
It's extremely difficult to explain how to look atthis.
Like I said, even if the empty space counts,
I won't give myself up to it or giving it a singlepiece of me.
I agree with the empty space and I agree that lifeand everything has zero meaning,
but I live with a stance that doesn't give anarrow.
I know everything has no meaning,
but I still do this podcast and I did it strenuously.
I do strength training every day for over 10years.
Rarely my body breaks if I do strength training,soI give it up.
When you think about it, freedom is a hardconcept.
But thinking freedom equals risk is a lie.
Especially freedom without weight meaning is verydangerous.
I make my rules to stop myself from gettingswallowed by the empty space
and to stop myself from becoming free.
I know I'll break if I become free.
I'm not free.
I tie myself up and I used to think there was agood thing,
but that's what it was.
It keeps me away from the empty space and it keepsme from being free,
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so I can stay together.
But these two things mean the exact same thing,
because the empty space equals freedom.
Also it seems I'm a person who can't be taken inby the empty space,
meaning usually leads you to hope, risk ormission.
The empty space leads you to giving up, runningaway to find things rather than breaking.
I talk about I couldn't fit in a meaning,
but I couldn't think all that way in the emptyspace either now.
I'd like to talk about what's happened today.
There's a singer and at first I didn't like them.
They have one really popular song,
but the singer themselves at a time when theyhated singing it,
but so many people were saved by that song,
so they couldn't complain anymore.
Hearing that story moved me and I used to dislikethem.
I didn't know they sang with that kind of feeling.
I really felt for them.
Even if it's not a super deep thought,
but you shouldn't decide things without knowing.
People might say negative things about them,
but the great part is they push past all theenergy.
That kind of thing moves me.
I don't care much about people and like I saidlast time,
I don't care about books and I don't look atthings that way.
Also I thought about a famous person today who hada problem,
but from their story you can't change the past,
so they tried hard to climb back up.
This is an idol girl at first.
She didn't get picked,
but you can't help what's happened.
So she tried to climb back up again.
It feels like you see people like that often.
There are probably many people in the world whoclimb back up like that,
but I felt something was a bit different.
You don't really see that with idols.
I thought I couldn't do that in my case.
I didn't go to college,
and if I try to go out in society now,
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it's different than before.
I thought about working at a place for people withdevelopmental disabilities,
and I could work the same way,
but it's probably a different kind of energy.
I don't know what the next story is.
Some people say God doesn't exist because he didn't save them.
They get sick and he didn't cure the sickness.
I wonder if that person is thinking straight.
Maybe they're just acting like a spoiled child,
but if they really believe that,
I wonder if they're okay.
Even a kid in grade school knows that if God is ahigh-level thing,
humans are deciding what's bad,
like sickness,
or what's good,
like getting better.
God isn't gonna do things just to match humans'values.
Because I used to do religion.
I know some religions say God equals rescue,
and they make a definition of God that isabsolute.
If you think God is someone who reached out toyou,
that's just a convenient religion for thefollowers,
because he definitely won't cure your sickness oranything like that.
Saying God doesn't exist for that reason is a badargument.
Also saying you'll go to hell if you do badthings,
a grade school kid knows that can't be true.
Stop that.
I don't know.
But even if you assume there's a high-level placelike hell after death,
a grade school kid can understand this.
Humans use their own values to say this is good orthis is bad.
So you won't conveniently go to hell based on thatafter you die.
I think a grade school kid can understand that.
So people who believe that they're completelybrainwashed by religion,
so that it's just convenient so people don't dobad things.
There was probably a history like that.
Next time is strange.
There's no such thing as time in the first place.
We think clocks show time,
but that's just a convenient thing made back inthe Edo period.
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Time is just something physics made up.
Physics people just talk about.
It's this way and that way,but it's one view.
When you are dreaming,the time doesn't match ourusual sense of time at all.
And it's very strange,I think.
You've heard this before.
You look at how long you slept and think thelength.
Also,your mind probably makes a start and an end.
And this whole sense of time,the past happens andtime flows from the past to the future.
That feeling of tripping and going to differentplaces when you dream,
come to think of it,a brain with developmentaldisability is like that too.
For me,mentally,a sudden flashback,
usually as time goes by,things get further away,like distance.
But for me,it's not like that.
So the way time feels change depending on theperson's brain.
Other animals probably feel time and spacecompletely differently.
For the next story,two artists called Anahama madea song for a wedding.
I think for a friend,that song become a huge hit.
And isn't that amazing?
They wrote a quick song for a wedding and it'sincredibly good song.
I like it too.It's really cool.
And sometimes things just drop down from heavenlike that.
It sounds silly to say it dropped from heaven.
They wrote it for a friend's wedding.
I was at that wedding and heard such an amazingsong.
I was shocked and think,what is this?
Imagining that makes me think it's amazing.
If you ask a friend to make a quick song for abirthday,
and you hear an incredibly good song,you'll betotally shocked.
Next,an idol was told by a TV host that her brainwas melted from the start,
meaning she's stupid after that.
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She just smiled and laughed brightly.
The other day in a showroom,she said she's stupidand laughed brightly.
I wish I could be that careful and happy in a goodway.
If you have that kind of feeling,you won't have toworry about things.
I never think that living that way makes you abetter person.
That's why it's strange.I purely think that kindof thing is wonderful.
Also,when I was recording earlier,
I usually take two recordings and sometimes it'scut off in the middle.
I made a mistake and I didn't take the Englishaudio today,
so there was a problem with the order in anotherepisode.
It's like a bug happened.
I usually take two recordings and sometimes it'scut off in the middle.
I made a mistake and I didn't take the Englishaudio today,
so there was a problem with the order in anotherepisode.
It's like a bug happened.
But maybe it's done when I listen to it.
I don't remember talking after that,
so I don't know why I fell asleep.
I often record at night or in the morning.
At that time,it wasn't that I fell asleep,
but I was thinking deeply about things.
When I think,I concentrate so hard that I forgotwhat I was doing.
So if I'm driving a car and stop at a red light,
it's possible I might suddenly think,
what am I doing here?
Sometimes that happens when I'm eating.
I think what time is it now and what am I doing?
What is this thing in my head?
It's a plate.It's not night now.
When I was a middle school guy 2 years older wasreally nice to me
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and I remember talking to him at the supermarket.
He looked smart.
I wondered why he talked so eerily to a stupidkid.
He talked about his future plan and deep things.
I kept thinking about why he did that.
Also in the bath,sometimes I was talking about ateacher.
The person in the next seat was closed,but I didn't meet the join.
But if the teacher called me behind the gym room
and got angry at me,
I thought it would be better to say they weretalking about different teachers.
It was a strange daydream,but which teacher's nameI should say?
Also I forgot an important story earlier today.
It's hard to say this,but I hate swallowing phlegm.
So my spirit built up in my mouth and I fellasleep.
I held it a few times,but I fell asleep and it goton my clothes.
I had just changed today,but I had to changeagain.
Changing is fine,but the check works get long too.
Especially now,when I'm thinking about the show,Idon't wanna use much time for that.
And it sucks because I had just changed,
but I must repeat the tour and the bathroom.
Right after I changed,I was unlucky then too,
but I could change for different reason,I don'tknow.
Why I used to rescue to change so strongly before,and it makes me worried.
But I'll find it rarely that the fleece and cardigan are set for a long time.
There was no reason,but I kept doing that.
I thought it would be fine if it's the same fleeceand cardigan,
but because of tiny difference,I have sensoryissue.
And it bothered me while I was eating earlier.
Summer is coming soon,so I have to go with thispattern.
There's no other choice,and I have to keep doingthis pattern.
That was close,but I don't know what will happenfrom tomorrow.
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If it bothered me too much,I might change itagain.
It was a shock.
I had to change again today.
I always kept this fleece and cardigan pattern.
Also I thought a song,I heard the sound likeanother song.
It was a Nogizaka song,so I found out quickly,which was good.
I felt curious,but that's Hanahama song again.
And it bothered me yesterday too.
When there's similar song,it bothered me foryesterday's song.
I found my song is the end,but I couldn't find theother one.
There's no answer,so I can't check it,which is abit annoying.
Next is about food.
Today was chicken,I think it was seasoned withsalt and pepper from the supermarket.
It was juicy chicken and tastes good.
Also cabbage and mac and potato salad.
So it has completely zero taste,but I can eat itand think it tastes good.
So I don't care much about whether it has a tasteright now.
I started doing that at some point.
But like I said before,my clothes bothered meduring the meal.
Also Fuki and Sasagi and pork.
Pork this time was good,tiny cut pork.
But also when things are hard,it's good to thinkthat earth is so small and universe and yourproblem inside that small place are tiny things.
But it's not just that.
That kind of rescue is only short rescue.
If you think one step further,it feels like itbecomes a real rescue.
Because if you say it's a tiny thing and in theuniverse it's fine,that surely means doing acrime.
It's a tiny thing too and contradiction happenssomewhere.
It's strange that it can be a rescue.
But it can also lead to giving up and thinkingnothing matters.
I was watching a video the other day and a girlwho plays a piano and think got sick and sickedinto that song at a rap show.
She was crying.
She thought it's a big empty space and those timeshumans should try to keep themselves together.
So for me,that defense is broken somewhere.
Like a screw is missing.
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Or maybe I'm just not a clever person who can getthrough things by trying to get over it for amoment.
But this person gets through it for a moment.
I think they have a good setup.
If I were a host for a stunting,I wonder if...
If I look at the paper and tell the presentationor look like I have zero space and start with asmile.
I daydream about that.
I used to see that there are a lot of videos whenI did religion.
So I often think about what I would do.
It can be anything.
But if I were a host,I'm just acting cool in myhead and I wonder why I act cool in my daydreams.
Also an idol said she saw many hosts on the radio.
But this group is lucky and she said it waswonderful to have them as hosts for the first timeon the radio.
I daydreamed about that.
Also I suddenly thought about...
But Mr.Tanishima,when things got tough,he feltlike he had completely zero connection to meaning.
He never came to my house and he didn't seemworried about me.
Either I often think about what that teacher wasabout.
Also I think I was helped a lot by Mr.Tanishimawhen I was a high school student.
Of course I'm thankful he looked very serious.
But he had a perfect balance where he didn't looksilly.
Probably because people trust him.
I was thinking about that.
It's night now.
I'm recording in the middle of the night.
Hope and rescue are differently fake pictures.
But money and social systems actually work.
Hope works in your mind in the same way too.
But the difference between money,social rules andhope is that people believe hope is there.
It's not to make life easier.
It's just something humans made.
But people believe life actually has a meaning.
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That part is different.
Of course I never think that's wrong.
I think that's natural.
But what I can say for sure is the fact that it'sjust a fake picture.
I could say that clearly next.
Do you know the word group illusion?
It probably means a group mind thing made by manypeople.
A fake picture made by that.
Countries are like that.
Many home love are believing you can trust family.
Also wanting to cheer for Japan at the Olympics.
If you're Japanese,you wanna cheer for Japan.
And if you're American,you wanna cheer forAmerica.
That's kind of thing.
So I realize I'm group illusion too.
I don't believe.
Religion are things that change life in a big way.
But for things you can get exist.
But it's entertainment.
I probably believe in a fake picture in a firstplace country.
But when I watch the Olympics,I think why do Ihave to cheer just because it's the same country.
Basically I'm cheering so I believe in it.
Last night I was desperately trying to find a goodword for what I called with a fake picture.
Word like rescue illusion fiction for Tenguarrive.
I couldn't find a good word.
And it's not that I don't believe in it.
So there's no word that fits perfectly.
On the other side,it seems there's no conceptopposite to what I just said.
You just have to call it an empty space.
Even if you use philosophy words like realism,itdoesn't work well.
Also during my meal yesterday,I was rememberingthe taste of something I ate when I was in gradeschool or middle school.
I think I was eating my usual food.
It's strange also.It's something I was rememberingduring meal.
But maybe I think about various things because Iconcentrate during meal.
I was insensitive.
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And I caught a cold during the school trip andwent to the hospital.
I didn't wear a mask.
Then I think everyone disreacted.
The friend who came to my room to get me.
The teacher and the people in the group.
Really I wonder why I act that way.
It was the same when I went to cram school.
But nobody said anything to me.
And I was remembering that today too.
I noticed I was having two day dreams.
Father and daughter sit at rest.
But some make up.
Also a guy from the SS team behind me.
I wonder if I should have said sorry in a bigvoice or what.
What it would be like if this guy was captain myclub in middle school during school lunch.
I told a younger girl in front of me that her hairlooked good today.
And after that I said this teacher is good atguitar.
And I wondered if the teacher was happy I washaving day dream like that.