00:03
Meaning and continuation are separate problems,void maintenance law.
It's morning now. Most people make up a story tokeep themselves going on, but through it, we'restill, I think, like a human, cause I think thisway of living is right.
This rule means something even simple things indaily life, like getting up, eating, turn on astory, that's why I think a moment you turn yourrules on what you believe, it becomes anotherreligion.
I hate giving meaning to rules or putting my self-image or using them to save myself.
Next thing, today I talk about what happened. Itold my mom that the loop now in at the local hotspring didn't look like much, but we weren'ttalking about the same thing.
She kept saying she looked at the hallway a bit,so I said, don't you remember seeing the inside ofthe room, the internet, the other day?
That was I've been saying this whole time, so shefinally realized what I was trying to say.
Also, yesterday around 1am, I went downstairs andheard my parents' voice, and it made me feel bad,so in the morning, I asked them if they were awakelast night.
If both of them were awake, they kept saying theywent to bed around 11 or 12pm, but whether theyfell asleep right after getting up doesn't matterat all here.
I said the same thing many times, but she alwayssaid things that didn't make sense.
Next thing, I wonder what's the point of recordingthis talk with my mom here, but I talk about thismeaning later.
03:06
When humans do something, we don't know if there'sa reason or if it's right. We don't know why wekeep doing it or what will happen later.
We are always unstable, probably because humanshave a mind to think about what's not here, whileother animals don't.
So, they don't worry, but we don't think aboutreasons, but humans keep worrying. We can't stayokay like this, so we want to make a fixedexplanation like this is right.
This life has a meaning. I just keep doing this. I'm not wrong. That's what believing means.
A group of these fixed explanations, what I alwayscall a story, so they're kind of the same butdifferent.
Also, when you believe something, you feel a hugemeaning, and your brain gets hot. It's a big dealto believe something because you keep looking atit, holding it for a long time, and your feelingsand energy are huge.
But like I said, we made a fixed explanation, butthe truth is that we don't know later and we don'tknow if this is right. There's no need to worryabout it later anyway, because other animals don'tworry.
What's right is just decided by human parents, sothere's no real rightness from the start. If youunderstand this truth deep down, you don't need tohold onto or believe anything.
I want to tell this to people who join a strangereligion. Most people want to save themselves, butbelieving and making stories are almost the samething.
What I'm scared of is giving meaning to rules andturning them. Believing and making personalstories are scary. Making a story means addingmeaning, rightness, or a way to save yourself.
I'm scared of making step-by-step routines justusing a system because it doesn't break down soyou can live, which is an animal feeling a simpleinstinct to survive. So the way you use the samerule matters.
06:16
If you think you must live by a rule or routine,it's a story if you use it as a tool that stopsyou from breaking down. It's just a step-by-steproutine, but talking like this just matters a lot.
I think humans don't change much even if they playwith words, but for me, whatever it's a story orsimple rules are a big deal. It's hard to put in aword which saves me because it's a matter of myown feelings.
So it's fine as long as I don't feel saved insidefear this religion. You know the feeling of beingsaved like a floating feeling.
I stopped the religion 7 years ago, and I haven'tfelt that even once. But when I felt hopeless andalmost broke down once, maybe I felt it just alittle bit, but it didn't last even a week.
When I almost lost hope, how it felt, but thinkingabout it now, it wasn't losing hope, it was thesame as before. This word has no meaning, there'sno point in living now, there's no point.
But it wasn't losing hope, it was the fear ofbeing emptiness, and I wanted to turn from thefear, to be honest, thinking that living this wayis right, and keeping living like this is rightmight be a story too.
But I remember also about what I just said, feardoes something because it writes a word meaning,it's a story, but if you do it because you breakdown fear, it means you are choosing the steps youneed to live and stay together.
So it's minimalist. Also when you feel meaning ina story, its value goes up. When you do well, whenyou fail, the meaning breaks down too. You getwhat I meant, you start thinking maybe there wasno meaning, and you're trying to keep yourselftogether.
09:08
But in my case, when I do well, the state justchanges, and if I fail, I just think because I don't hold meaning from the start, so when I fail, mydaily routine or actions, I don't need to make itbetter and I don't feel bad, I just clean up afterit.
Also fear does something with meaning. Stop isreally depending on your mood, body state, orwhether you can think it's meaning, or you don'tfeel meaning, it's easy to keep going regardlessof your mood.
You can just do it calmly next thing. I felt for along time like I'm not normally alive and morethan 10 years ago, I was still looking for alittle meaning, wanting to find something thatfelt good and worth doing.
Human actions don't feel like they match meaningexcept eating and going to the bathroom, which istotally true, but since we are human, we need tokill time. I thought but what would give me a realfeeling like cooking, coding.
But after thinking about what I wanted to do,nothing felt like it, meaning at one time, Ithought abstract study was good, so when I wastrying to get enough courage, I thought math wasbetter than I thought, no meaning at all.
Abstract things I thought I know was better, butstrength training gave me the best feeling becauseof the physical reaction, direct feeling I feltalive.
I thought meditation was good, and there was atime I started Tai Chi, I was looking forsomething good from around the world, anywaykilling time was fine, but I wanted to study or dosomething.
I wondered if reading translation was good, and Icouldn't build electronic circuit. At one time, Ilistened to classical music and that stayed thesame from start to finish.
12:06
I did it without thinking if it's the meaning. It's fine without meaning, the problem starts whenyou think with meaning, but even with strengthtraining, I don't really need to use dumbbells,though I wanted to do sit-up for a long time.
Talking with my mom felt the most, but even when Ithink so, I always just feel bad, and I thoughtthings that fit that three-may desire didn't feellike a waste of time.
Anyway, I wanted to study or do something with areal feeling, maybe strength training or watchingsports or things I liked since I was a kid, maybemusic or at one time drawing pictures.
Even though I never drawn before at that time,because I've been thinking about these things for20 years, I feel very lost knowing that I'mstudying English.
After thinking so much, I wonder what's the reasonfor choosing this next thing.
Today I looked up Master Dharma, and I heard artist went to medical school outside Japan, so I'minterested in that.
I don't just care about school names, but I'vebeen thinking about karate for a long time, sowhen I hear that kind of story, I get pulled tolook at Wikipedia.
When I went to help with my dad's softball game, Isaid I played baseball just a little bit. He said,oh, just a little bit. It felt strange, but I didn't think much of it.
But looking back, I thought that was a sillycomment. This talk is very bugging. The reason Ican state so is just even if I say a little for adad says no, so there's no way.
He knows I played more than he thought. A littlecould be five years, six years, or three months,but he said it's like, I see just a little bit.
So no matter how he understands it, I thought itwas a strange reaction. This was during dinner,and I have roots, so like I said, I gotta makeroots myself after stripping away all body duringdinner while doing things.
15:19
Usually if I check things, I feel like it won't gowell, but I do it anyway because I'm impatient.Usually it doesn't go well. Even if it goes well,my mind goes to the fact that I broke my rule.
What if something bad will happen? I guess I'mclumsy, and I really focus on each action nowbecause I focus it goes wrong if there's even alittle space, but rather than just act or checkthe fact that my rules don't work because it's aproblem.
Later, I do the checking. That takes more time.Next, we commit a crime and go to prison for 20years. You think you ruined your life, right? Youthink you ruined 20 years of your youth.
But I've been home for more than 20 years, and toothers it must look like a waste of time, but Ithink just being alive is enough because there'sno meaning in doing things here.
But I felt shocked because it's same as people inprison. I feel like it's fine because there's nomeaning in life anyway, but it was a shock also. Iwanted to watch Harry Potter, but put it off, andmy life is always like this.
Like saving a favorite cake, I don't eat it, andtoday, again, I choose not to eat it and leave itfor tomorrow, trying to keep the rule fortomorrow. There is no problem with this, so it'sfine, but I'm just keeping it stored.
It's like storing pressure, and I keep doing it.It'll probably be like this whole life, but byputting it off, when I finally try to watch thevideos, sometimes I miss a chance a lot.
18:00
Maybe that's fine, but I can't understand peoplewho tell young people that their future, whetherit's a nice thing to say or just outside, don'tsay part of life is valuable, because young orold, it is the same value.
I wonder why they don't have that kind of thought.I can't understand people who say easily thatyoung people hope for a future. It's the same withdrama.
Next talk, like I've said many times, I makerules, so I gotta feel glad or sad, but it's why Ifeel nothing and become numb. I want to feel likekeeping the rules. It's different from sports orgames, but rules are rules, so you gotta feel glador sad about it.
That's what I thought earlier, like I explained,who I feel glad or sad. It's the same with value,because I'm deciding things by it, so I can onlythink I'm making a story.
I felt yesterday that it's almost the same in reallife, no matter how much you play with words, Ijust gotta believe it's not so. Also, yesterday,like I said, I heard my parent's voice downstairsand felt bad, so went to bed.
The day before yesterday and yesterday were likethat. Yesterday, during dinner, I was wonderingwhether to take an English lesson, and in theevening, I decided to take it. The second floorwas super hot. I'm not used to the heat yet.
I took the lesson, finished thinking, but theshort description somehow slipped well at night bya miracle of words. Then I heard my parent's voiceand felt bad, so I did something different fromwhat I planned.
I don't know who that was good, but anyway,usually people think this was right or this was afailure, right? But I don't have a way to judgethe value, but if I say every path is the same,that's not good either, so that's why I try not tohold meaning.
That's why I made rules. We are animals, so wemight break them. To keep life, there are thingswe need to do to keep our shape. In my case, it'sabout cutting down mental noise and staying stableinside, so that's all my actions are for just tokeep myself together.
21:12
That's the only way I choose things. I try not tostrip away meaning as much as I can. So, that way,I'm close to an animal because of the story. Idecided on the short description, then I thoughtabout it so many times.
Once it's decided, problems show up. I can nevermake up my mind, and I get greedy, thinking it canbe better than what I thought, and that if I coulduse this greed for something, I could do well,because I care that much about doing well, but nowit's about the things right in front of me that'snot doing well.
I thought about the short name and description.The short name was decided, so I need to changethe description too.
When I'm thinking about it, I've felt it before,so I don't know why I thought it was okay to thinkabout it now. When I spend like two hoursthinking, I didn't find anything new.
The morning I got up, my blanket was strange, so Ifixed it and changed my routine. Then I wanted tomake my noise clean, so I thought about cutting mynails, and I cut them.
Since I didn't need to take an English lesson inthe morning, I asked myself why I'm wasting thistime. Since I finished early, I wondered why I'mwasting it, but cutting my nails looked like a lotof time, and I felt like I'm spending time onsomething that doesn't matter.
When I went to fix the blanket one more timebefore, cutting my nails on it was already fine,so I thought it was a bad luck and I didn't needto fix it, plus the sheet was moving to the side,so I fixed it.
But it went too far to the other side. I thoughtthis showed my life and character, and it's betterlike next. Like I said, after stopping religion,values fade and things become empty, but I gottamake new rules myself. I call them rules, butespecially during dinner, I feel like it's notmuch different from making a story.
24:05
Next, yesterday, an essay writer was on video, andit seemed he wrote an essay, but how he is strangeand things don't go well. When I hear the kind ofstory, I feel so bad even if I don't make it ajob.
If I wrote a note or a blog, maybe it would havegone well. The tool matters too. Simple luck wasn't on my side. I don't need to make a book, ablog, or an essay. It's fine, but I wonder ifthere was a better way, but maybe I could keepdoing this for a long time.
Because it's podcast, a blog becomes a story, so Iwould be satisfied and stopped. I can't keep goingwhether I'm satisfied or not. I'm very unsatisfied. I need that hungry feeling to keepgoing, otherwise I don't…
First, before I asked what the Fudo is, thatreligion, I felt they didn't answer, but I'dalready asked a few days ago. Also, I'd alreadytalked about something I thought I wouldn't talkabout with my mom.
It's a creepy shock. I can't stand that. I'm soforgetful. But yesterday, during dinner, I heardit's tough if I take an English lesson aftergetting in bed.
Then I felt a strange pressure like the daybefore. Yesterday, my stomach started hurting. Ihaven't done this lately, but my whole body feltstrong. Yesterday, maybe it was stress.
Next talk, I've been worrying about this for days.Someone made a mistake in the music show. Theexplanation of the situation is strange. I've beenthinking about what's happened for a few days.Also, I'll say it when I remember, but there's nomore things I've been worrying about for a week.
Next, I think humans have both a human part and aphysical part. For example, you can say making achild suffer through love, or you can say it'sjust trying to keep the kind alive, which isbiological view.
27:03
Humans go back and forth without saying one side,but now I care about physical reactions. Thereason is that if you think with my human part,you make a story or feeling get on it, like a highfeeling or hopeless feeling, but trauma is hardand impossible.
But even with trauma possible, we are bothanimals, so we don't cause trouble for each other,and I'm not a victim. It's easier to think thatway, but I can't feel easy about it.
As a result, a story becomes noise and mightaffect my life's work easily. Breaking a routinedoesn't matter, but it's not a matter of failure.It brings a bigger breakdown.
I think it's a breakdown, but I can keep going inthat sense. I've got to live in my own world, andI could live by entering my own world if I hopetoo much energy comes out.
Next talk, who thinks go well for me. I get allgreedy. For example, when I buy something new, forsome reason I bring back the old thing I don't useanymore. Once you buy a new one, you don't needthe old one, right? That happened yesterday. Ithasn't changed.
I could talk about it on a podcast, and I want totalk about math next time, which I didn't plan totalk about before. I got greedy when I was astudent.
My mom, I was angry. Also, lately, I've beenthinking about the show name. My stomach startedhurting from stress. It's a usual pattern, so Istopped thinking about the show description fornow, but I thought about it again.
Also, yesterday, I was thinking about many things,and I had a trip, so I didn't touch my phone, butI'll talk about English. Let me talk about it now.
When I'm actually talking English, I can't careabout these rules, so I thought about what to do,like choosing one thing to drop, gaining muscle,or focusing on other parts.
30:06
In this next talk, I live with rules because Ithink I should stop breaking them, but thinking Ishould stop breaking them might be a story, too.It might be a strange moral thought that I shouldn't break them, or that bad things are things toavoid, but for me, it feels like the system tolive breaking them is bad.
So, rules are just a control tool for that. Aquestion came up about whether it's bad for sleepto break down, but sleep not break down.
Survival instinct is not a bad judgment. If it'ssurvival instinct, it's okay, but if you become aphilosopher, I'll stop, but at least it's nottrying to live a good life.
If I didn't try to live a good life, there wouldbe less pressure, but I never felt it is easy. Inever used this as a way to save myself, and I can't change it.
And that's what moves me toward breaking down themental wave. A mental wave is fine if it's justempty feelings, but making a story is a problem.Making a story and getting motivated or gettingenergy is a problem, so I'm always keeping my headcool to not get hurt.
Also, thinking has a meaning stop factor for me,because it makes me stop the rules.
Next, I made a guess about why humans haveillusions. Humans think there's an arbitrarything, but there isn't, so they try to gosomewhere.
Or they find something that looks like religion,or thinking, they just gotta care about thisperson, or depending on the level, joining areligion with that, even later they say it's areal thing, that's a problem.
Again, there's no absolute thing, but they thinkthere isn't, so they work around looking for it,find something that looks like it, believe it's areal thing, I don't know.
33:02
This feeling, because I was already in a religionsince I was a kid, because I was in its territory,usually people want a new way to save themselves,but even if I put a new hope on a shelf, it's justa feeling on the shelf, so I don't do it, becauseit has no meaning.
It's just a factor for a person who repeats whatthey did for 20 years. I took things off the shelfafter 20 years, so nobody puts things back on.
Maybe someone, but I don't know, just thought mosthuman choices aren't based on deep thought, but it's a choice, like, eat this one rather than thatone, choose this one where it's more dry, Ithought so while talking now, by the way, when Iwas in religion.
People around me said I had made a mind to lookfor things, but now it's the opposite, a drythought, and I don't feel I'm going somewhere,getting closer to the truth, I don't feel I'mfinding things or noticing things, but I feel likethis way of thinking is interesting, that kind ofmove.
I used to read self-help books when I was astudent and took many things, also there's counter-culture, right? In my old days, that was people'sculture, even if you don't feel meaning, it'sclose to having a fighting spirit, and that part,for some reason, I'm like,
oh, this, even without meaning, I have a fightingspirit, it's a cold spirit, so no heat, it'stotally different from people doing much againstpolitics, so counter-culture things are just fusedwith understanding from human instincts,
that way of thinking, the exact opposite instinctsays choose, but they choose which is limited,even if it's culture, I think it's strange, Ibelieve that culture is neither wrong nor right,
where it goes against instincts, I used to think,doing that it's, what culture humans are about,humans, but it's strange, I mean, we are somesmart, you don't do that next, I can't understandthese people, but they are around.
36:20
Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast, he wassaying something true anywhere, but then suddenlyhe connected it to a modern problem, we are sayingsomething true anywhere, it's about humans,
maybe not a million years ago, so we are sayingthere is a problem in modern times, after talkingabout all humans in the universe, it's strange, it's not just modern times, right?
Many people do this, why do they blame moderntimes and connect them, I don't get it, talk thatway, it's not just, but how to explain, I don'tget, saying it's a modern problem, after raisingtrue things anywhere,
also yesterday, that person talked about the rulesfor dance, and I explained it simply, but he saidwe shouldn't be caught by the rules for dance, butdance itself is a world concept,
so forget the rules, you don't know what you aredoing, I mean, the rules are contrary, you don'tknow what you are doing, you are just standing onthe ground,
and players don't know what to do, because that'sno rule, they don't know where they should stand,etc., or what's the ball is, in that case, hefeels there are real things inside about dance,but humans just gave it a name,
it's a world concept, there are no real thingsinside, but people often say we shouldn't becaught by the form, so I think he didn't mean itthat way, talking like this makes a thoughtconnect one after another,
39:00
I got to control it, but I can't help in thinking,checking along the flow, so I think I got tocontrol it, but if I do new thought, what comeout, thought jump, so I'll go to the next talk,
well, humans just vary, there is A and B, they sayA is good, B is good, we are racing last time, it's not just that, saying either is fine, alsojudgment,
because you give a promise, saying both are great,both are, but it's the same, so saying everyone isdifferent, everyone is good,
it's a nice story, it's a folk expression, Ithink, however, I don't mean to deny it, it's notjust that, but being different, we say everyone isdifferent to everyone is good, that's judgment,everyone can't be good, once you judge, bad thingsappear,
so it's just a nice story, anyway, trying to thinkthat everyone is great is a problem, because it'snot true, everyone is good, they are justdifferent, but that never becomes a folkexpression,
humans just vary anyway, but when talking, I thinkI shouldn't give a high or low price, and sayeither is fine, that's judgment, if you losejudgment, separate thoughts completely,
you won't feel existence itself, for example, whosaid A and B, there are shops, because somethingyou can't see in your mind, you don't talk topeople, while thinking that way,
to lose judgment, you can make things up a habit,if you lose judgment, separate thoughtscompletely, you won't feel existence itself, forexample, who said A and B, there are shops,because something you can't see in your mind, youdon't talk to people, while thinking that way,
to lose judgment, you can make things up a habit,if you lose judgment, separate thoughtscompletely, you won't feel existence itself, forexample, who said A and B, there are shops,because something you can't see in your mind, youdon't talk to people, while thinking that way, tolose judgment, you can make things up a habit,
42:19
コンピレーションしないでください。でもそれは痛いです。あなたは何も知らないので、コンピレーションしないでください。
でも、コンピレーションしてみれば、あなたは知っています。この人たちのお父さん、お母さん、お母さん、どのくらい彼らがいますか?
どのくらい彼らがいますか?聞くのは良い話ですが、コンピレーションしないでください。私は悪い気がします。人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
45:04
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
48:09
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
51:07
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
54:09
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。
人間はコンピレーションしないでください。