00:00
In quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I asked if the pepper today was the one we alwaysuse, and at first they said yes, but later shesaid she used a different pepper when theyprepared their food yesterday.
She don't use it much. I felt a really nostalgictaste today, so I thought it must be that one.
She said it's the same as always at first, causeshe just answered without thinking. I feel likeshe made the same mistake again.
She don't notice it, and she don't look back atwhat she did.
Also during meal, when I can follow my own rules,but the food still tastes good, it feels weird.
It feels wrong as things go well when I don't dothem right.
But even when I know in my head that I don't needto think about it all day, my body just reacts andsays it's different from always.
When I suddenly stop worrying about things I wasscared of before, that changed for me.
So I feel scared of that change. It's like a weirdroof we're trying to get rid of one fear just tobring out another fear.
Also when I was a high school student, a guy whowas behind on my heat act brought me maps to theschool trip,
and for some reason I had a weird sense of what towrite and that I shouldn't show a bad face, so Imade things complicated.
Within religion then, I used my energy for otherstoo much. I think I could just show my attitude atdoing something silly again.
Since I didn't like him, next is about myappearance.
You don't care when you feel someone looking atyou.
03:00
What if you look at them when you don't even knowthey're really looking at you?
That person will care too, so it's pretty hard tolook over every day, every time.
I'm at home and not looking at my mom at all, butshe always look at me.
When I ask, she says she doesn't feel any look,but it's something she does without knowing.
She definitely notice me, and she keeps a randomguard up and doesn't care, but the other person Icare a lot, so I hate it.
Also about the person named Snowman.
I looked at Wikipedia and thought he was greattalent.
He does modeling, he can study and his dance istop level.
But if it was just that, I didn't think much.
I felt when extreme push on him, he doesn't giveup on anything.
Which is like me, and I found that charming.
Also yesterday, I had to change my morning routinefor a reason, and before this would never happen.
But when this happen in the morning, I alwayscheck if there's any change.
Because there's a change I didn't notice, and Ihad a little trouble in the morning too.
I remember that I used to fail a lot, because that's before.
Also I had a different talent, different tensionat night.
And like I said before, my body got bad just fromhaving different feelings.
So my stomach went bad, and I went to the bathroomthree times, and my routine broke.
And before, I would get lost when there was just alittle pressure.
But for a bit, I can clearly tell my stomach ismoving differently from always.
I have a routine to check if I made a mistake now,or if I forgot to talk.
But some things are not just a routine for action.
Sometimes I skip it, and when I try to think aboutit later,
it's hard to check if there's something I might bemissing.
06:04
It was a bit hard this morning to do that.
Also today was a day to change clothes, but I cameback to get something I forgot.
I always tell them to tell me so I don't forgetthings, but today they were curious and didn't sayit.
It would be more of a problem if I came back, eventhough they told me I asked just now.
And they gave a weird answer, saying they'll talkabout it later.
I said you didn't tell me that I changed clothestoday.
So this happened, but they still said they'll tellhim properly later, so they didn't really get it.
I said the problem is that you didn't say it thisone time.
And I'm not talking about whether you were wronglater or not.
You made the same mistake last time, so they getit, and they jumped to the conclusion.
And then they seem to get the meaning of thequestion again.
Now for the next story.
For some artists, a song on CD or a song from analbum that was meant to be a big hit suddenly sails away for some reason, like 世界に一つだけの花.
It's strange that those songs are actually good,even though the artists didn't put much power inthem.
Speaking of that, the amount of the lunch has beenbig lately, and it's especially heavy.
And time feels long when this happens.
Then when do I not feel the gap of time?
It's when I focus on everything more.
Time goes by in a flash for me when I'm thinkingabout something a little bit.
When I'm eating, that happens and I find I'vefinished the meal before I know it.
And time goes faster and it's easier then.
Also, I don't know.
My own feelings are wrong.
The one that sees that I'm having a hard time nowis just a watcher.
I'm just looking at myself and thinking aboutmyself.
The one thinking is my mind.
After all, usually I must be very tired becausethe amount is big.
I don't think this feeling came out much when I'min something because I'm in what's right in frontof me.
09:10
But when I'm tired, I'm tired and when it's hard,I feel it's hard.
Good feelings and bad feelings for humans arehard.
Feelings change when there's change.
That's because you get used to it.
Feelings are always moving and you don't noticebecause you are focusing.
But we just get that.
Now for the next story, there's an idea that humanstrength is being kind to others and saying whatyou should say clearly.
But I felt something wrong with that for a longtime.
It looks like a strong person and it's cool.
But I think it's fine if you're just kind ofpeople and it's okay if that balance is different.
Also, it's strange when I talk like this, but Ihave a lot of interest in humans.
Much more than things like trains, bikes orgadgets that guys often like.
But unlike before, I have zero interest inpsychology now and I have no interest in books orstories either.
These books look at different people, but I guessI'm glad there's no interest.
You can't talk like this unless you can thinkdeeply about humans.
So these books must be a bit different.
I think deep thinking and stories are close.
But I don't think you find deep stories looking atart movies your feelings and it's not for studyinghumans.
And if that's the case, it's first to read booksand deep thinking.
It feels like a very long way around.
Writers, when they write great things, they canjust make a book of things and they don't need tomake a character set.
But my interests are quite different now from whenI was in a religion.
But one thing that never changed is that I reallylooked down on spiritual things.
12:02
I looked down on it.
It was tipping when I was a kid and I don't likespiritual people now that I quit the religion theygave me the cliffs.
But I think people whose minds are broken shouldn't listen to talk about mental health.
For example, if someone isn't sure about how theylook and others tell them they are super cool andbeautiful and they believe it.
The reaction when they find out it's not true isback.
Also talk about mental health is probably aboutnot comparing yourself with others, living likeyourself and giving yourself a full score.
You might feel a bit happy while you listen tothat talk.
But you have to fix things like mind sickness withmedicine first.
I was in a religion too.
So I know for sure it's wrong to try to dosomething with just spirit or spiritual things.
So I think what they say on mental health isalmost useless.
Even for medical things, scholars have differentideas.
But you don't know the right answer.
Just like with diet, saying let's stay positive isvery short-lived and easy.
It's probably like don't look for too much fromyourself and have more love on your feelings.
I studied about the mind at some point because Idid religion.
So I think that's obvious and I have zero interestand don't think it means anything.
I think a kid could understand that.
If an office worker is busy and getting down, I'dsay don't do anything for 3 months and just restanyway.
I think that's the only way.
Also in mental health, when people tell you thatyou don't have to carry many things,
you just say ok, I'll put down the heavy load.
If I were to speak, I'd say you carry the heavyload yourself.
It's hard now.
You have to have responsibility as long as youlike.
15:09
So choose to keep ready.
Story to keep everyone and give up yourresponsibility when you hit your limit.
Also people probably tell you the very smallhappiness.
But how many tired office workers are saved bythat and can actually do it?
What kind of happiness your wish for and feelinghappy admire?
Small things are already set by your genes andyour mind doesn't become like that.
You change how you think.
First place, you're looking at hope when you'reasking for happiness.
And it's not very good for your mind when you'relooking at night, come to think of it.
It's important for me to look at fact and not runaway to stories
when it's a bit strange to tell others harshlythat I'm saying this for you.
It's important to be harsh on myself, throw awayillusion, look at fact and be ready.
But it's probably wrong and useless to say that toothers for the next story.
I thought that reasons are important after all.
For example, if you become a doctor, whether youbelieve a fake, clean reason yourself,
like waiting to help people, you can accept thefact that you had no choice but mental school
because your school score was high and you didn'twant to leave your hometown,
but your path didn't change, so you might thinkthe reason doesn't matter.
But how your life goes and how your energy comesout after that is completely different.
Depending on whether you believe a fake reason orthink right,
in most cases, people live with fake, cleanreasons, like going to a troubled place
because it was cheap and safe, so there wasnowhere else to marry this person
18:03
because they looked like an idol you like.
Humans' reasons are probably just like that, andyou don't notice easily.
That's why people ask later why they marriedhumans like while lying to themselves
and they have to lie because living is hard ifthey don't.
Today a host on a TV show was telling everyonethat they just wanted not to be happy
and would stay dreaming, who would cry a lot.
But when I hear the words that it's fine if youdon't become unhappy,
I don't think that statement means anything atall,
because nothing is said about what makes youhappy.
I can feel the hurt, but I think they don't knowwhat they want to say either.
But on the other hand, because happiness has nodefinition,
I also think it's not a responsible statement towatch for people to be happy
because it's something you don't really know.
I think it's fine for you to just get the hurt andknow they're saying it without a big meaning.
I think now for the next story about a greatperson saying that dreams are not in the past,
but in the future they probably will not say youcan't change the past.
But I wonder about it is a great thing.
I think it's fine to put this thought toward thepast when you have a dream
and you can put ideal things in the past by theway.
People say you should have goals instead ofdreams,
but that's just a play on words, right?
They say dreams are just things you look at inyour mind,
but you can move toward a goal for your set one.
But a dream is fine too.
A dream is a wonderful thing, something humans cando.
So it's too much to say you shouldn't have it inthe past.
To be a bit detailed, dreams are not in thefuture.
There are so many people who are in the future.
So if you ask where they are, I think it's thepresent.
21:09
Because the mind where you look at a dream isright here right now.
There's no time machine to the past,
so it's obvious you can be in the past.
And I wonder what kind of great thing this is.
It's totally fine to have a dream so you canchange the day you fail the exam and fail theinterview.
Something that shines is fine for you when youkeep the concept you want to do.
On the other hand, Agatha Christie says that youonly know the important moment and like it rightat that moment.
After it's passed, it's completely right.
This is a cold fact.
But it just sounds cold because you are swallowedby a story.
It's not a cold thing.
There are no moments that are important or notimportant in life and you can't compare them.
So an important moment is set later on.
So you only know after it's passed.
You can't know who now is important.
People who don't get that might think they have tomiss the important moment and always regret it.
This is a cold fact.
But it just sounds cold.
Because you are swallowed by a story.
It's not a cold thing.
There are no moments that are important or notimportant in life and you can't compare them.
So an important moment is set later on.
So you only know after it's passed.
You can't know who now is important.
People who don't get that might think they have tomiss the important moment and always regret it.
But you regret because you think it's an importantmoment yourself.
24:02
On the other hand, positive people will easilythink that it was a good and important time.
Also, Einstein did a wonderful thing.
People say a weakness can become a strength,right?
But I think it's impossible.
So people say a weakness can become a strength,right?
But I think it's impossible for something tobecome a strength when you already put a tag on itas a weak point.
If you think it's a weak point, you should justaccept it seriously and there's no way it becomesa strength.
So a weakness never becomes a strength.
And if anything, you might find it good to havethis feature which you thought was a weak point.
By the way, Einstein said that weakness becomes acharacter.
And that must be as beautiful as someone withautism.
And it makes sense.
Yes, I'm filming at night.
First, I made a big mistake and made a note aboutthe show name.
But no matter how much I try to remember, I can't.
And it went missing again while I was copying.
This is really disappearance.
I have zero memory, but I do such an importantthing with thinking.
So it's impossible that I have no memory.
It's very bad.
So it's impossible that I have no memory.
But it takes me more time to worry when I do anyaction.
And when I fail like this, it takes time to checkwhere I made a mistake.
This is something I noticed just now.
But when you watch baseball or look at famouspeople saying,
Why did they do that?
Here, complaining is one part of watching a sport,right?
Against that.
Some people say you can't say anything because youdon't play this sport.
You shouldn't talk from that logic.
27:02
I think it's the same as saying don't vote becauseyou're not a politician.
And I think it's a bit of a mind level problem.
Saying don't complain about a baseball player whenyou can't even throw a ball.
That's wrong. It's not.
But a lot criticize a baseball player when you'renot well and it's just said right.
This is an idea that you shouldn't criticizepeople too much so they can understand a lot.
That's how you think change depending on thesituation.
Also, when you think about aiming for number one,people are split.
Those who get praised and those who get criticizedand told to work together with everyone.
I don't know why they're split when they're doingthe exact same thing in the opposite pattern.
Some people are told to aim higher and some arepraised for being friendly with everyone and doinggreat.
It's the exact same thing, but I don't know whythey're split now for today's food and drink.
The chicken with Korean red pepper paste and crabstick cabbage, cheese cabbage and maybe butterwith red pepper paste taste and also a kind ofbean.
I forget and the pork was delicious.
Also, there was a mushroom I was looking up afamous school just now.
And I think people say it's obvious to go to TokyoUniversity at the school's level.
But when I actually calculated, not even one infive people get in.
So I look at things completely when this happens.
I was looking up various things like this thisevening and idols are banned from romance.
But I wondered why romance inside the group isn'tbanned.
And when I looked it up, I looked it up.
30:01
It seems some people are pleased about it.
I can see there's no need to ban romance insidethe group for female idol group.
But then I was thinking if it's okay to haveromance inside the group.
Also, I looked up trouble about comedy actors andit was silly.
Also, an ILT English teacher was in trouble atsupermarket for some reason.
And I gave them a ride in my car and I was doingsimulation.
Then I should talk to them more in English.
I'm not gonna talk to them though.
Also, I thought show name.
And looked up Seiko Matsuda's song Anata ni aitakute.
And other songs by the writer who gave songs to Kana Nishino.
I listened to hip-hop songs by a person called Tokubitsu.
Also, I'm studying English.
And when I study pronunciation, I feel like thebrain shape is different.
But that's how different Japanese and English are.
For example, you know that drinking milk everyday
But then make your height grow by more than 20centimeters.
And even though we are the same human species, thebrain shape can't change just because the languagewe use is different.
That's why it's strange.
You catch?
But we are the same human species.
And even if the race is different, there isn'tthat big difference.
Just a bit different personality.
Being a bit good or bad at something.
Since just the language is different.
I thought maybe how we think is fundamentallydifferent.
I had a very strange dream.
I couldn't remember what kind of dream it was.
And while I was thinking about that, a big problemhappened.
The stress, I guess.
33:01
Just like I talked about earlier, when there'sfeeling, I don't usually have a record.
If my wrist and jacket is up to the top properly,or if I turn the battery a bit,
my pants side to the side with that, or the placeof my sleeves,
a small change makes a big problem for me.
Not just a step action, but the time.
And the problem happens only when that dream was adream where I missed take a bath,
but even though I don't take a bath, I see thatstrange dream sometimes.
It was a terrible dream where I was regretting itlike crazy.
And I was remembering what dream it was, because Iwanted to talk about it.
I clean my teeth with tooth wipe, so I don't use atoothbrush.
But I saw a dream before where I used an oldtoothbrush by mistake and was regretting it.