00:03
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'll start with things I noticed there. Like Isaid last time, I'll start with a hard topic.
Some thinkers say life is no meaning. They thinkabout how to live because there's no meaning.
Or they try to make their own steps or they try togive a meaning to the state of nothing.
They build a system of meaning again. I alwayscall it original meaning.
They think there's no meaning outside. They mustmake meaning by themselves.
They think about nothing and change it in variousmeanings.
I don't do that. I don't try to make a new meaningfor myself. I think that's just a trick.
I don't mean to fight with these thinkers. To beexact, I can't do that.
But stay with me. It's just that step to stayalive.
I noticed one day that these steps might sort ofnot running away to a story, might be a story too.
I felt a bit bad when I noticed this, but I neverforget for a reason that this is right to protectmyself.
I don't do this because of strong belief. I thinkthings go well.
Why do this? It's very like a strict rule, but it's not something I believe from my heart.
I don't believe it blindly. Even if I live withrules, I might feel bad now.
And these steps are just to keep myself together.
Today, my habits are like that. I became a personwho can't believe things and don't want to believeanything.
There's no good belief for me. I don't think allbeliefs are bad.
Doing religion means believing. That's not bad.
But many people believe things blindly. That'snecessary for them.
03:07
Because you can't do religion. You think with yourhead.
Believing a story like religion is just a blindbelief, but people can't trick themselves or runaway from.
But easily, if they don't do that, I can't dothat. I can't give a good mark to myself.
That's why I was useless when I was in religion.
I don't believe things blindly. I keep my rulesimportant, but I always go back and forththinking,
This is just a story. Buddha said everythingchanges, so don't hold on to things.
What I'm doing now connects to that. I shouldn'tfix things.
You fix your thoughts and think you're safe if youbelieve this.
You hit a wall because everything in this world ismade of things that fight each other.
Even if you believe blindly, you hit a wall.
When I hit a wall, I can't look at things in agood way for life, for myself.
I can't think there's no problem. I see thingsthat fight each other there.
When I hit a wall, I can only stop.
That's why it's important for me not to hold on tothings and not to fix things.
Fixing things is what people want to do.
I wanna something and think I just need to dothis.
I wanna think things go well if I keep thoserules.
I want things perfect even if I think it'simportant not to change.
Things change or don't end sometimes when thathappens.
I think this is just a tool to protect myself andI don't need to hold on to it.
So my thoughts doesn't fix. Making a story meansfixing things.
Like thinking I'm safe if I believe this.
My example was bad and it became a bit mixed up.
I said everything changed but my rules not tochange.
My rules try not to change.
Monks live a life that doesn't change.
Even when the world changes, they get up at thesame time and do the same action.
People might think it's strange to make a rule notto change it.
But it's necessary so you don't get washed away bythe big change of the world.
06:07
This is mixed up.
Making a rule means that the rule itself doesn'tchange.
The next topic is about people who feel there'snothing left.
They might say it doesn't matter when there's nomeaning.
People become free. It sounds bad.
But it just means you are free.
You are free. It doesn't matter.
You can do anything.
I think people put bad feelings on it and thinkthey're down.
But the thought of it doesn't matter, right?
Because you are free. You can do anything.
Some people might do bad things because of that.
For me, when meaning goes away,
I can't say what is good or bad.
That's free.
But my internal rules go away.
It's like playing sports and the rules disappearsuddenly.
Nothing works then.
My life doesn't work either.
When my sense of good and bad goes awaycompletely,
everything goes away.
Because life has no meaning.
There are two ways going either way.
After that, I learned about the thought thatnothing is perfect.
There's no top thing.
That is always right.
There's no top thing.
You can't even get close to it.
Life is no golden.
Even when that happens,
I can't make a new story like other thinkers.
When I'm free, my feelings explode.
I become very active.
My rules are there to stop that.
My rules bind me.
My life is like that.
Ichiro does his routine during game to stop thefeelings.
That's true.
Sure, we don't know who that is gold.
But his routine keeps him from feeling too happyor too bad.
He doesn't get happy when things go well.
He doesn't cool down when things are bad.
That's because his routine, it affects him forsure.
I do the same thing right now.
I'm here.
I'm practicing English sound.
And I hit a wall.
09:01
It's not a simple wall.
The shape is different.
And it comes from my personality.
My perfectionism stick to my core.
The way I see the world must be different fromothers.
I do learn things I wanna talk about here today.
But I forget it.
I watch the same program again and again toremember it.
And I thought in my head.
I feel like I could almost remember it.
But I couldn't.
I don't know who this is that thinks.
But most people, especially Japanese people, dowhat everyone thinks is good.
But some people wanna do something different fromothers.
They choose B instead of A.
There is another type of person, C, who's neitherA nor B.
There are almost no people like that.
But people are usually A or C.
Most people are A.
Or they are B.
Do things a bit different from others.
But B is rare in Japan too.
People who are not A or B are people who are inthe middle and don't belong anywhere.
They are in a dark spot.
I always felt that I don't belong to any of them.
Today I saw a star who didn't seem to have manyfriends before.
But they are making many friends lately.
Whoever that person who I get many friends andthey give me clothes for my birthday or we go outtogether.
I wouldn't know what my real self is.
I would get changed by the people around me.
My energy would go away.
My real self would disappear.
I worry who that person is.
Today my mom and dad talk about the weathergetting warm.
We don't need a floor heater and we don't need tospend money.
But my mom wants something to support her feet.
So she writes a review.
She can get something for her smartphone for free.
It looks useful.
So I was thinking about it.
My mom will use it.
But I thought it's a waste and maybe I couldn'tuse it.
I'm a bit, I feel angry because I can't use itanyway.
12:05
So I gave up.
Also I remember a time when I got one or manypocket tissues for free.
And I was very happy it came back to my mindsuddenly.
It was when I was in elementary school.
The tissues didn't have any character pictures.
But I was happy because it was free.
I liked anything with free.
My personality hasn't changed.
My eyes went blind because that free thing came.
It's silly. I can't believe myself.
Also these things happened many times before.
And it happened again today.
I lost my mind again.
I think it's impossible.
I thought all you can eat place.
I thought there are many chains.
But maybe not many Hokkaido.
But there are many all you can eat yakiniku placefor some reason.
I don't know why there are many yakiniku place.
Other tribes didn't come up.
I looked it up just now.
And I understand I couldn't know withoutsearching.
It's embarrassing.
But I thought frank meat meant separate places ofmeat from various parts.
But it means the meat around the limbs.
It's embarrassing.
The person who lived in our house over 60 yearsold.
My mom, dad and I guessed he is a girlfriend.
He is a grand person.
He has money.
So he changed his grand room.
His garage in a room.
I didn't have good image of him before.
But he is over 60.
Maybe he felt lonely.
So he made a girlfriend image of him and changedit completely.
It became a very good image.
I don't know why it became a good image.
But I thought he is pure.
I couldn't tell.
He is something I don't.
15:02
So I couldn't tell well.
However, over 60 had money.
I wouldn't make a girlfriend.
He keeps that kind of feelings even after 60.
And I thought that's nice.
He has some money.
So he could go to places like cabaret clubs ornight shops alone.
But this is much better for me.
But for all you can eat, there is not much beside.
Stamina Taro.
This is lost mine thanks to there were all you caneat places in Hokkaido before.
I feel strange.
I have a question before I talk about.
It's here too.
People eat many kind of food one day.
Eating a huge amount of steak or yakiniku doesn'tfit Japanese people.
I wonder why they do that.
Really, I think the level of how people see thingsis totally different.
For example,
People who are good at art go up high level.
There are visual part when I watch them.
But they might be bad at talking things from theirears.
I couldn't tell.
On the other hand,
People who are very sensitive or good at Englishsound or lyrics,
They have that feature.
It's not that they practice hard to do it.
But their original level of things is different.
Those people can hear and remember things withoutany effort.
They can do it instantly.
For me, English sound, I don't know.
I don't confident.
But I don't need to lower myself too much.
Maybe I'm think too hard.
Even though I'm good at it.
So, it's a waste.
It's annoying.
But during the day, I was thinking about the showname.
At night, I was thinking about the show name too.
One hour passed before I noticed.
The same time is different from everyone.
It changes depending on the situation.
But it's not that I'm just blanking out.
My head is moving slow.
The sense of time is made in the person's brain.
18:02
Even for the same one hour, the brain movesdifferently.
The same time is totally different.
I can't tell.
It's annoying.
When I have one hour, it takes a long time.
Sometimes it's annoying.
But it shouldn't be a waste of time.
I must be doing various things in my head.
Trying my best, but I feel like I spend a waste oftime.
Going back to the story before.
About all you can eat.
Placed with my kind of food.
I wonder why that buffet style only exists in myhotel.
Who I look up the reason.
I can't find it.
But many questions come up after answer.
Having curiosities for.
But I'm mostly worrying when this happens.
I don't like it when questions come up like achain.
I thought acting is very different things.
People seem to make feelings to themselves.
I still think that's not necessary for acting.
But they make their own feelings inside.
And I wonder if people can do that.
For example, you can't feel thankful just causeyou wanna feel thankful.
They raise their feelings inside.
They shouldn't stop at just feeling happy withthemselves.
They must express it, show that feeling.
They must make it a shape that everyone can see.
Doing both at the time seems impossible to me.
Today the voice actor said exactly the same thing.
They said they make feelings inside.
But it's useless food.
People don't understand it.
I was surprised to know they do that.
I thought that they said they make feelingsinside.
But it's useless food.
People don't understand it.
I was surprised to know they do that.
I thought that's difficult.
Most people can only do one side.
Though saying most people might be too much.
Someone said making feelings inside is difficultthing.
They don't understand it.
That problem whether people can say understand itor not.
Not a problem or art.
It is no meaning for the feeling change inside.
But people don't know.
21:00
Some people live in that difficult world.
Superficial thing is no good.
I think superficial thing is fine because thatequals acting.
But actors act as their own world.
Who I were a star.
Things would be bad.
In a music show.
A person covering a song about dream come true.
I made fun of it.
I would say the truth.
I would say I don't know this song well.
But there is this kind of music.
The fans would get angry for sure.
I'm not about being honest or not.
I can't tell a lie there.
But I became able to see myself like this onlylately.
Before I didn't notice I was saying my realthought.
I just couldn't understand the other person'sfeeling.
But I don't say things to make people angrywidely.
I just don't like a lie for myself.
I never say I like a song I hate.
I wanna keep my sense important.
I don't wanna match the world alone.
Who I were a star.
Things would be bad.
I hate dream come true.
If I had to sing their song.
I would say the truth.
I wouldn't just say I hate it.
But I would say there are songs like this too.
Today I saw the lyrics of Alice by chance.
It was speech.
I have no interest lyrics at all.
But I saw them today.
They were like what I've been talking about herelately.
I was surprised.
I remember my student days.
Whatever opinion I said.
It was just one person's opinion.
Even if I thought I was right.
There is a problem somewhere.
I know that it was just my opinion.
I wonder if there was a meaning to say it.
I wonder if there was a meaning to have thatthought.
I could understand people who argue.
Who I say something.
They say something back.
I know both are not the right answer.
That's why I do a question about religion too.
There are many right answer.
So why don't they notice that none of them is theright answer.
I understand the value of religion existence.
But thinking about which one is real one is nomeaning.
24:02
I'm talking about various things in my podcastnow.
From some time I got confidence in my thought.
And I don't think it's just a single personopinion anymore.
One thing I thought now is what I'm talking abouthere.
There is a stone in front of us.
Some people say this stone is power.
Or some people say take a look like this.
Because this stone.
But if I look at the stone closely.
I say I can't understand what you are saying.
That's how it is.
Even when I look at the stone.
I think that's just a view caught by a human head.
But if I say that.
This language itself is made by humans.
So thinking abstractly is useless.
But I have that feeling looking at a stone likethis.
It's done by a human brain too.
I don't know if I can see it correctly.
It's just a human view.
Sometimes I think talking about things that arenot abstract or universal is no meaning.
When I go back and forth between level of abstractthought.
I said nihilist.
Like humans are decided by genes.
But before genes.
Humans are just things.
And that's higher level of abstract thought.
I go back and forth like that.
I don't think too abstractly usually.
Because life becomes hard.
Today my mom and dad were out for religionmeeting.
They were not home.
Evening yesterday and today.
Something different from usual happen.
Even if it's good thing.
I don't feel good.
I feel today ended again.
I could do more.
I could make it better.
It was a good day.
But it passed fast.
Books and music lyrics are philosophical thingssometimes.
But I have no interest.
I'm looking up the song I mentioned.
But it's hard to understand.
What I'm trying to get must be different.
Literature is not that kind of thing.
Why when I do philosophy.
I don't need to see music lyrics.
I can't understand that part.
Pulling such a deep thought.
Lyrics could happen only in Japan.
In other countries.
Just like meeting a girlfriend at bar.
That's fine.
27:00
I think about things philosophically.
But I don't know who that kind of country fit me.
I think America or Spanish speaking countries.
Latin countries fit me better.
But those countries have many religion people.
I don't know their feelings.
They have many religion people.
But they are very efficient.
But before Nietzsche.
They were not efficient.
But around Nietzsche's time.
Science went up.
People stopped believing in strange things.
So they became efficient.
It should be the opposite.
Going back to the story.
I think about many things philosophically.
But I don't do philosophy.
I have no interest in lyrics with deep thought.
I'm bad at them.
In its field.
But I don't know who I'm good at those things.
I'm probably bad at them.
It's written.
Lyrics too.
With a bit different meaning.
But people get shaken by the world around them.
They try to find it.
Or do it softly.
That becomes a problem.
The world's interpretation.
And I don't like that kind of philosophical talk.
The definition of what the person means by theworld is buggy.
So listening to philosophical talk has no meaningat all.
Going back to the story before.
What anyone says is not perfect.
It's just their opinion.
There's a problem.
But talking has meaning.
Listening has meaning.
I have confidence to say that.
And I speak here with confidence.
There's no perfect thing.
There's no right answer.
But I don't think all of that is wrong.
I'm very careful.
I don't try to become philosophical in a strangeway like I said.
Abstract things are not useful.
And they just end.
I never speak here with groundless confidence.
This sounds bad.
But many people in the world take other people'sopinions.
Especially Japanese people hear a story.
Someone speaks like it's their own lifephilosophy.
That's amazing and a bit bad way.
I can tell well.
They have no content.
They say superficial things.
They make it deep.
Like wisdom stirs up their life.
30:02
But I can tell that's not true at all.
Going back to the story again.
I go back and forth.
We must fight so they don't get swallowed by theworld.
Last time I said it's my like a random slide.
At that time as chief monk live the regular lifewith rules.
They keep themselves from getting swallowed.
That looks very stubborn.
Like they hold to things.
But it must be the exact opposite.
That attitude of fighting.
Each person's life is fine.
But they want to do it.
They respond softly to change.
Or they take a balance.
They don't get swallowed.
But they want to be free of fighting a bit.
What actions good to study in religion orpsychology but we don't know.
Like a chief monk.
I seem to do things with a lot of care.
But my heart is a broken antenna.
That means I'm not pulling a tight string but asoft string.
Or maybe I can't do that.
But I'm doing it without knowing.
I do it without knowing from 80%.
I use my mind for 20%.
I can tell smoothly that I should hold thingshere.
I can tell my perfectionism coming out.
Going back to the story again.
I try not to make a story.
I try not to make a story to support myself.
But my rules stayed with me.
I don't miss even this tiniest story.
Believing with rules has no meaning for me.
I keep myself from getting swallowed by a story.
I don't know who this good example of belief.
You win 200 million yen in a lottery.
Your feelings explode.
You become active and want to buy this and thatgold there.
Energy explodes for me.
My state is like that.
A thinker said becoming nothing means becomingfree.
I'm in a free space so many energies about toexplode.
There's no pressure to push me down.
That sounds good.
But it's like floating in space.
It doesn't feel good at all.
And I have to push myself down.
33:03
That's my rules.
Now it's night.
I'm recording at night.
First a scandal before and caused problem.
They worked hard without looking back at the past.
But the problem happened again.
If I were a manager I would say.
I feel thankful to you.
I protect you.
Even if others say bad things.
So please work like before.
I made that.
I made during my meal again.
Today I ate pickle egg.
And it was very good.
I had it before.
I start to like it from sudden year.
It's not that my sense changed.
But it might be better now.
We don't know.
It might be bad.
Probably bad.
I like to think about human like this.
But since I start the podcast.
I get bored looking at myself all the time.
I do it in a bit different way now.
But in my blog stage.
I wanted to tell about myself.
I didn't wanna make this 10 years meaninglessthings.
I'm good at talking about myself.
I made a resolution at a certain time.
That's why I'm in this shape now.
I talk about the tofu future.
If I ate it everyday.
I should get bored.
But I don't.
Cause I made a resolution.
This is the same.
I made a resolution.
If I don't make a resolution.
Desire comes up even for tofu.
I would wanna eat other thing.
But I'm not bored.
But I could keep going.
Cause I made a resolution.
Impulsive things are exclusion of energy.
I was doing it naturally.
You can't do it by intention everyday.
Maybe everyday.
I feel miserable about myself.
Why do I become a person who stay home?
I hate my fate.
I feel miserable.
When I feel I'm causing trouble to my mom.
And that when I have free time.
I got that thought for sure.
That's why I made a life habit.
Before to make less free time.
But I get that thought.
Before I notice that around my dinner.
Pickled egg brand is good today.
And the leftover from yesterday.
With the sukiyaki taste pork.
I said alright.
No for later.
It doesn't taste much for first.
And there was a lot of pork.
I worried for my stomach would get.
But cause there was a lot of pork.
Onion good.
Onion.
Cabbage Rick.
And chikuwa was very good.
36:01
Chikuwa becomes very as tempura too.
And it's changed sometimes.
And a small amount of macaroni.
I said I eat it little by little.
Cutting a small macaroni.
And serve that way.
It was like a lot.
Cause I did that.
I wanna eat a lot of tofu.
And I can't give up the things.
My mouth.
But for smartphone.
I thought I could use it.
I wrote a note about English sound.
But fully thinks about pronunciation.
I wanted to know today was not there.
It should cover almost everything.
But I think that only one.
I didn't know.
Not done with one.
I wanted to know.
I don't believe bad luck happen to me.
So I don't know where to through.
This feeling how to interpret.
I can only say it was bad.
Maybe a part of.
When I think I.
Bad luck.
I worry that I've been.
Worrying about.
About for more than.
Ten years.
I worry for one year.
And really I'm worrying.
If I should stop fishing.
My mom and dad.
I've been worrying about it.
For one month.
Maybe.
I worry.
Worrying at each time.
And they continue.
I regret something.
For more than two years.
And I still do.
I regret things.
More than ten years ago.
Today a singer called Ikura.
The vocal of Iwasabi.
I was shocked to that.
I don't hate kind of things.
This kind of genius exist sometimes.
Who can do well alone too.
Who I don't know what is good.
There is usually this kind of story.
Who I don't see the start.
I don't know what is good.
In the middle.
And the host said.
You don't need to.
Polite word.
But they use polite word.
And I care about the part.
I try to get close to each other.
And I care about that.
I don't know why I care.
But I can raise their feelings of care.
For me.
Who used care.
I don't wanna see that.
But I saw it.
Annoying things happen.
About videos.
I saw disappear.
From my story.
History.
And I do strange things.
When I am too annoyed.
I think about stopping watching videos completely.
I don't go that far.
I don't extreme things.
I don't wanna admit it.
But maybe my personality became bad.
Because of age.
So I don't do that now.
Today I watched Chiba Lotte again.
39:03
I can't feel satisfied.
I know it's useless to watch it many times.
But I watched it.
I spent 3 hours looking up things.
After I got in a bed.
Including waste of time.
A part of my body was itchy.
And because that.
I went downstairs and woke up.
I thought I should record my English talk now.
Then tomorrow would be easy.
I thought but I didn't do it.
Then I regretted.
It was strange how itchy it was.
I slept after that.
And I went to the toilet at good time yesterday.
So I thought I didn't need to go.
But that went bad too.
I put my hand on my pants again.
So I wanna wash my hand.
My body was itchy.
And it was different from my usual routine.
So I had to check things.
It was messy during the night.