00:04
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'm talking about my podcast name. I'm lookingback at things.
This is a bit philosophical, but don't worry, it'snot hard to understand more than 10 years ago.
Around the time I graduated from high school, Ithrew away the meaning of life at that time thatreally saved me.
But now I think, just being myself today, I know Ishouldn't even use emptiness as something tooreal.
Of course it's something I need when I worry aboutthings in daily life.
I think we all just die in the end anyway.
That helps me when I get too perfect or whenthings stop working.
But I shouldn't really think too much.
But when people are on a really big pitch, theylook for something to send them back to.
I wasn't looking for a way out, but maybe I needthat kind of that more than I do now.
Next time is also a bit like life philosophy.
I think saying everyone is different and everyoneis good is strange.
I don't mean to hate it as a piece of writing.
But when you say everyone is good, you are alreadyjudging them.
When you are judging, you are throwing things thatare not good.
But normally that means everyone can be good.
If there is nothing good, the opposite must exist.
So saying everyone is different and everyone isgood doesn't make sense.
It might be fine as a poem, but as a realphilosophy, it's totally strange.
My main idea, I just say everyone is different andstop there.
But that doesn't make a good poem.
So people have to say everyone is good.
03:02
There is a similar thing in some lyrics.
It says that even people who are not lucky areblessed, right?
That's true.
When you decide someone's bad spot is lower thanothers, you are already putting a label on them.
You label them first.
Then you say they are both right.
That's true.
That's wonderful.
That's logical.
It's totally broken.
But this kind of thing happens a lot.
Not just in some lyrics.
People say things like you might be low, but youare singing your own thing.
That's just too much of a stretch.
Also the world is ranking in a better or worseposition.
People call this a shared illusion.
If everyone says something is good, then it'sgood.
People put things in order.
We've just scored numbers.
Some things can't be shown in numbers.
That's exactly why people say your position doesn't matter.
But saying that means nothing at all.
I'm not trying to say that something is good orbad right now.
But it's just a surface and doesn't mean much.
Like I've been saying, people already judgeothers.
They look at the second team or people who weren'tchosen.
They say you can shine there too.
They already label them as different and notchosen.
But they say your position doesn't matter.
That's totally crazy.
Making things look beautiful isn't just insulting.
I think a lot of people think this way.
Not just me.
People touch spots that they can shine.
It's just an insult to them.
People feel that only they can understand.
I see this happen a lot.
When I watch videos about my life, I'm the type ofperson who regrets things easily.
So I tell myself I must look at this videocarefully.
Every time I burn it in my eyes, I fight my sleepiness and watch.
06:05
Rarely I'm standing inside and dance.
Like I've been saying, still I focus on what'sright in front of me.
But when you do something hard, it means you'restill feeling more meaning in it.
So it can be helped.
But after that, this always happens.
I think it went well today.
But what's the point of doing this?
On the other hand, if I try to watch withoutfocusing,
noticing I entered my eyes or my ears, then Ifocus again.
The same loops happen.
By the way, I'm not the type of person who canmake plans.
When I try to do what's in front of me and thinkvery closely,
things around me change as time goes on.
I realize it didn't mean much to think so hard.
First, I can say my plans are too detailed.
I think too closely, it doesn't mean much to thinktoo far ahead
or too deeply about things.
Things are affected by change much more than Ithink.
Everything is changing.
I think the world is really complicated andtangled up.
Things are rushing around like a round slide.
We can't just stay stubborn against change.
We have to move with it.
So thinking too much doesn't mean much.
But I'm not the type who can just do thingshalfway or just a lot easier.
For example, today I was watching people cheeringfor a baseball game.
A lot of fans were amazing.
A lot of people were talking about videos if itwere me.
I feel so frustrated that I couldn't stand it.
I don't want to accept losing.
Cheering is a good thing.
People support their own team normally.
But when I see other cheerleaders that are betterthan ours,
I just get so frustrated.
I feel so frustrated that I wouldn't want toaccept reality.
I want to beat them and go past them.
I want to do something good.
And I have to do it.
There are two things that really make mefrustrated.
One is when I run in the world of my own ability.
09:05
And people either do something that saves them orrun away from reality.
The other type of person joins a group of people.
I really hate that type.
You see them a lot in dramas.
When that happens, my parents never work out.
We talk about cocoa.
And I say it's made from beans that are roasted.
So they are cooked.
But we grill soybeans at home.
And I say there's no other drink where you cookbeans like that.
And turn them in a liquid.
I just want to ask simple things like that.
But my mom says it's not the same.
Because it's not filtered or whatever.
And she goes into small details after talking manytimes.
She gets what I want to say at home.
Like I said, when we grill soybeans, they tastelike cocoa.
I wonder if roasting beans always makes them tastelike cocoa.
So I like it.
And they do.
But because of bitterness and the fat content,they don't dissolve well.
So it didn't turn out right.
It's just a small thing.
The taste itself is only a little different.
Also, I remember the hamburger steak from schoollunch.
I already remember that it didn't taste good.
I couldn't remember the taste itself.
But just before, even though I was making ahamburger steak,
I smelled it and remember it smelled like this.
I thought maybe it tastes okay after all.
But that can't be true.
I haven't eaten hamburger steak that many times.
So I want to try a different kind.
There's no way I should remember it.
But I've been thinking about this for a month.
Before this, I kept thinking about the taste ofdry curry.
Then I gave up.
Also, I noticed something when thinking aboutpodcasts.
It was when I left my religion.
But when I realized I couldn't work anymore,
I really thought I can't do this anymore.
It's impossible.
I thought that a few times.
But when I really thought it from the bottom of myheart,
all hope disappeared at that exact moment.
Life became just a way to pass the time for me.
I already knew that hope was just a fiction when Ileft my religion.
12:03
But at the moment, I really felt it.
By the way, the religion I was in always said thatfeelings,
it's real, it's what matters.
But that real feeling itself is our illusion.
How can you tell what you think in your head?
The real feeling.
My parents always said logic is no good.
You have to feel it for real.
But you can't know that yourself.
I really hated that.
I really hated it.
They just think they are feeling it for real.
In the first place,
there's no way your feeling gets from your head.
So a real feeling is impossible.
Sorry, I just wanted to say this while I'm at it.
I'll talk about OCD and other things.
So I hope it reaches these people directly
who eat everyone's religion for it.
I can talk as a former reader.
I thought making different shows for the past 2years,
more than that, I've been thinking about the wayto do.
It's since my blogging days.
But it's hard to make it happen.
That's really tough.
But this is different from mental health.
But for people with OCD or depression,
I don't think about making this show to save them.
But I'm sure it will end up saving them as aresult.
I just want to share that I have this strangetrait.
So I never make a show just for OCD.
Also my troublesome personality doesn't change.
Today, during the day,
there's a song I really like.
I couldn't remember the name of a similar song bythe same artist.
I should just give up.
But I look it up again.
Also my likes and dislikes are very strong.
I feel like I hate almost everything.
I basically dislike comedians.
Although I like music, I dislike most songs.
The things I like are totally different from thepopular ones.
I talked about this last time too.
All the songs I like by popular artists
were ones that didn't sell well at all.
Also all the celebrities called idols by theirnames
in a friendly way.
15:01
They're just trying to get the idol fans to likethem.
That makes me feel sick.
But if you ask me why I don't feel that way aboutNogizaka.
First, luckily, Nogizaka doesn't really have thatkind of thing much.
There are some gross comedians around Nogizakatoo.
Who act like they're gross or say they supportthem.
But there are many of them.
There's another group that there are a huge numberof them.
And that was really gross.
I really hate a lot of things in the world.
I don't like people talking about fashion.
And I don't like people talking about books.
Small dislikes I really hate.
Almost everything what I hate most is
when people talk a little bit about politics andact smart.
And other countries talking about politics and nomore.
But I don't like it.
When people do it here to look smart.
I just look at them and smile.
But the younger they are the more I dislike it.
In most cases they don't have a real belief.
They just say this politician did great withoutreally knowing.
They just say things that sound like opinion andbring them down.
I just dislike it.
Also I don't like people who say
they hate someone right in front of them.
I wonder what they are thinking.
This is something I thought about during meal.
It's a worry of mine.
When I'm eating I often feel like I saw a hairgrowing somewhere.
It's not a real hallucination.
But I get worried because I'm anxious.
I take a big bite.
A few seconds later I start eating again.
I try to forget it so I can focus.
But I wanna check it so I can't completely forget.
But humans can't do that.
Even other mammals probably can't wipe out anxietywhen they have to do something a few secondslater.
I try a different way to fix this.
But it doesn't work.
That means it's impossible for humans to throwaway extra thoughts.
Just focus on what they need to do.
Unless they have huge determination.
Things you should throw away extra thoughts.
18:03
Focus on what's in front of you.
It's just a nice thing you can't do it.
Unless you feel like you're jumping off a highcliff.
So it's impossible going back to what I wassaying.
It's normal for people to worry about the meaningof life.
After they feel a world with no meaning.
They look for new value.
They feel a lack of meaning deeply.
They say that they can't fix it.
And get down.
They fight the absurdity.
Which means they resist by deciding to liveanyway.
I thought I was this type when I took a philosophytest before I fit in a test.
You either try to fix it by holding on to meaning.
Or you think because you can't fix it.
Or you think but resist by living anyway.
But the question came up for me.
The people who listen to this are fighting andtrying to get over it.
The people I mentioned who look for a way out arefighting.
They are fighting and trying to get over it.
But the ones who look for a way out are searchingfor new meaning.
While the ones I just talked about resisting withtheir way of living.
It's a bit hard to understand.
In short they aren't looking for new means.
But they are still fighting and trying to get overit.
They are trying to get over it by living anyway.
Even without a meaning to life.
The ones who run to a way out.
The ones who disappeared.
The ones who resist with their attitude.
All treat the lack of meaning as a problem.
They are trying to do something about it.
But for me the problem of meaning is alreadyfinished.
So I don't try to fight or get over it.
I'm just moving along with it as a condition inthe end.
People say there is no meaning.
But they still think there is.
They have hope because they are looking for idols.
So I understand that life has no meaning.
At the same time I erased the story called hope.
This niche type philosophers still live with somehope.
They can't live without hope.
I can probably live without hope from birth.
This is also a continuation of that.
21:03
Through my 18 years in religion I saw deep in mybones.
That hope and salvation are just fiction.
Fake stories so people don't go crazy.
So when I found out I couldn't work and lost hope.
I didn't panic.
I just saw a fact that the fiction completelyappeared from the real world.
At that time I thought life really became a way topass the time.
Where I could take out all the heat from meaning,hope and social value.
And see that state itself is passing the time.
At that time I was acting wildly out of despair.
Some people say it's just passing the time becausethey gave up.
But I don't really understand people who say theycan't see the light from my view.
Light is just something you made up in your head.
So if you want light you just have to believe it'sthere.
I think it will come right in front of you.
But it might be hard unless you are good at tricking yourself.
It's like a talent to be able to tell yourselfthat this is right and believe it.
Some can do it and some can't.
What I don't break or fall apart into now is justbecause I didn't feel the empty space inside me.
Normally when an empty space opens up,people feelit when it's gone.
They feel it again.
Why try to fill the empty space with problems?
Because that space doesn't even exist in humans.
People just believe it's filled.
You think something is there when it's not.
So you realize it's gone again since it's notthere from the start.
You try to fill it again and think it's filled.
So you have to fill it again.
Because you thought you feel nothing.
That alcohol or cigarette is tough.
You can control it with your own will.
Lately I push to think of a podcast name and Ihave English things to do too.
So my head feels like it's gonna blow up when itgoes past a sudden limit.
24:02
It feels like it's going toward a breakdown.
Like water overflowing things I used to do hardwill become zero.
And there's something similar.
I don't know why.
But I can do things I've been continuing no matterhow troublesome they are.
But I just can't put energy in starting somethingnew or doing something just for a short time.
I've failed many times because of this.
But the most important things often happen in justa single moment.
That thing you really need to push strength in.
It's just for a moment.
But I can't do that.
I don't know why.
I can't really get my stance across to people.
So I compare myself to other philosophers.
Other philosophers look for meaning.
But for me looking for meaning is alreadyprocessed.
Who I say the stage of looking for meaning isover.
It sounds like other philosophers are looking formeaning.
But if I say I don't feel a connection to whetherother world's meaning.
People think I'm someone who thinks there might bemeaning.
Also I just look up that artist's song list.
But it didn't mean anything by the way.
Among philosophers Nietzsche tells you to make anew barrier and aim for something higher.
But he's pretty hot and different from me.
He said life has no meaning but tries to make anew one.
Chopin Harvard said the world is just suffering.
He's drunk and disappeared.
Chorin is drunk and disappeared too.
So he's close to me.
But Chopin Harvard said he wants to be free fromsalvation.
But that's normal.
That's normal because we are animals.
Also some people say if there's no meaning youmake it yourself.
Shuttle is like that.
That feels like a human centered way of thinkingis straight.
Humans is special also.
Camus says you keep living even without meaning.
That is strange place of living.
It strongly supports life.
It's night now.
Right now even when I knock help doesn't comeeasily.
Even now there are times I trick myself.
27:03
So at time like this I really feel like it's over.
They might just be sitting and sleeping normally.
So they don't get caught.
It seemed like they were just catching.
But you never know when you'll be let down.
You've to stay sharp.
I thought the short description would finallysaid.
But now it feels like starting over from one.
I really feel like what am I doing for a month.
Why do this time.
I could study English more.
Just connect to what I said before.
No matter what you do.
It's all the same anyway.
But saying that it's just cover up.
You shouldn't use emptiness.
That way now about dinner.
My parents ate curry and something like that.
Top part of egg and chicken bowl.
But there's much more egg than chicken.
It was totally different from last night.
Probably because how it was cooked.
The seasoning was bit different but it was good.
Also the potato salad from the supermarket isreally good.
They make it well.
It's not condensed milk.
It's some kind of cream.
But half way through.
I couldn't taste it at all.
Things that are really good.
Lose their taste half way through.
Especially this kind of cream stuff.
Soft serve ice cream like that long ago.
I could only taste the first bite.
Also seaweed.
Seaweed is a strange taste.
It's good.
But it's strange how you can taste it much halfway through.
Also the salmon today.
Suki salmon.
It was ok.
But it felt a bit unique.
I was thinking again.
Why I was living with illusion stories.
I know I shouldn't do it.
But why do I know I shouldn't do it.
Why do I know.
It's a huge problem.
It's because I almost failed a plot.
Because that's in high school.
Once you step in that mud.
You know it's a bottomless swamp.
So you must never take a single step inside.
That's why I'm standing right in the centerposition of the stage.
30:06
But if other people want to have illusion.
That's up to them.
I don't care at all.
I don't think they're wrong at all.
I just don't have a built for it.
I don't have talent.
And I can't soak in illusion.
But I think it's fine to enjoy illusion asentertainment.
Like watching dramas or during meal.
Eating food.
For example.
Like I said that last time.
Humans might get the taste as a feeling.
But you are doing such complex things during meal.
That there is doesn't stay in your memory.
That means you aren't really tasting it with yourconscious mind.
So you just have to taste the information.
Like this is good.
Because it's this kind of food.
Or the taste of home cooking.
Because it's cost a lot.
Or it's brand from a certain place.
I think that's fine as entertainment.
It's different from life philosophy.
What normally philosopher do is.
Just working tight rope inside their head.
There are philosophers who think about how to liveinside anything.
So that's normal.
It's the same thing.
But I don't plan to think about how I should liveat all.
And the moment I think about it.
I start to heat up.
I stay cold and try to go through everyday.
So inside thinking this.
That is my head.
I just do daily routine.
Bring my base outside.
My brain.
I stop myself from heating up.
I stop me from studying philosophy.
But how I should live.
I thought I noticed this before.
But thinking about it again.
I think that's what it is.
It's morning now yesterday.
On a music show.
They wrote lyrics about old married couple.
Hearing that story.
I thought love and hate aren't just simplefeelings.
Looking from the outside.
You can't tell if they really like each other.
Even the celebs don't know.
They like each other or not.
And it doesn't mean much to think about it.
For me.
I can say the same things about music.
I don't know.
Who I like it or hate it anymore.
33:01
I've learned it for a long time.
There's time I decided not to listen at all.
Then I start again.
I have strong feelings about modern pieces.
Especially next story.
I was watching a morning drama.
And the narrator was probably a famous oldactress.
She did a sudden error render.
I hate that feel.
I hate narration that scream.
I'm an actress.
I really hate too many things.
There are things I don't care about.
And things I like.
But mostly I hate things I either hate it or not.
Or I don't really care.
But I still don't like it.
So my students are very strict.
I have too many things I use.
But examples of my standards get strict.
Because I think I don't want to be like that.
I don't get lazy no matter what I do.
For example,I really hate people who stay insideand just play games.
I don't want to live that kind of lazy life nextstory.
I don't really want to use that word.
幸せという言葉を使っているのですが、私はそれを理解していません。幸せという言葉は難しいものだと思いますが、私はそれを理解したくありません。
ですが、私はそれを理解していることが多く、女性に特に幸せな役割があります。
私が昨日、男性が逃げることについてのポッドキャストがありました。彼女は彼のためにうれしくて、彼をそこへ連れて行きました。
彼女のために、彼は狂った人であり、幸せでした。
人々は幸せだと考えていますが、それは不可能です。
社会の人々は幸せだと考えていますが、あなたは幸せが何かを知っていません。
母親は心配し、彼女の友人は理解しませんが、あなたは人を幸せにすることを知っていません。
あなたが幸せだと考えても、あなたはそれを知っていません。
正直な話、いつも言いますが、あなたは、5分前に何かを知っていません。
あなたはそれが良いか悪いか分からない。あなたはそれが楽しいか分からない。
あなたは今、何を知っているのか分からない。
36:00
あなたは、あなたが楽しんでいるか、それを考えることで幸せでいるかを知らない。
あなたは幸せであるという状態を飲み込んでいるのです。
あなたが幸せであると言っているなら、あなたは飲み込んでいるのです。
私はそれを言うのではなく、あなたはそれを言うのです。
昨日、プロレスラーになる男についてのポッドキャストの話を聞きました。
彼は以前、ベースボールクラブにいました。
彼のカレッジの日はとても辛かったです。
とても辛かったです。
私がストーリーを聞くとき、
ストーリーを聞くとき、
マカロニサラダと言われていました。
私たちはポテトサラダを見つけました。
彼女は乃木坂の新しい曲について話していました。
彼女はそれを知っています。
彼女はそれを知っています。
しかし、彼女は朝寝ていました。
彼女の後ろには、
彼女が目を覚ました。
何も意味がありませんでした。
しかし、私は私の全体を消したかったのです。
私は他の良いアプリを見つけました。
私はそれを使うでしょう。
私が歌手のキャプテンだったとき、
私はいつも考えました。
私が仕事を始めたとき、
私はみんなを守ります。
キャプテンができる限り、
私は考えました。
みんなが健康に住んでいれば、
私は最後のキャプテンになるでしょう。
しかし、キャプテンはグループのシンボルではありません。
マネージャーではありません。
私はそう考えました。
私はアイドルキャプテンのリーダーだと思いました。
多分、私は前にクラブを経営していたからです。
39:05
私はそれを考えていました。
私の父親や母親にも話を聞きました。
彼らは私たちの仕事を始める前に来ると言いました。
リーダーは週末を示していました。
私はそれを言いました。
しかし、それは夜ではありません。
彼女はそう言いました。
その時、私はなぜ彼女がそう言ったのか疑問に思いました。
私は昨日何かを思い出しました。
これはトラウマです。
例えば、あなたが選ばれた
スペシャルスロットと
良い曲がある
そのスロット
あなたが
スペシャルスロットを取り出すと
それは困るでしょう。
人々は
あなたが
通常のスロットを取り出さないといけないと言うといい
例えば、それは悪いことではありません。
何かが良くなった
私たちの側は
他の側は
それを使用している
誰かが
スペシャルスロットを取り出した
私はそれが起こったと感じます。
少し
少し
別の曲ではありません。
しかし、それは起こりました。
それは成功
それは
起こりません
私は
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
う
他の側は、この人は今は大丈夫だと考えているのですが、
それはたくさん起こっています。
例えば、私はプランを作ることにしたのですが、
他のことはできませんでした。
私はプランを作ることができました。
しかし、後で何か他のことができるのです。
私はそれが怖いので、
私は今、英語よりも何か他のことを試したいのですが、
それができるなら、私は問題になるかもしれません。
後でコメントをしたいのですが、
これは何かです。
私は多くのことを考えています。
芸術は良いのですが、
芸術は社会に承認されています。
それは全く正しいことではありません。
ポップのようなコマーシャル音楽はトレンディーです。
芸術は誰もが知っていることを意味します。
42:02
芸術は承認されています。
90歳から10歳までのメイドロフティックスクールは、
スファローになります。
私はトレンディーな曲を知っています。
多くの曲はスファローです。
特にアイドルはワンヒットワンダーです。
でも、彼らはワンヒットワンダーではありません。
狂っている曲は、
ワンヒットワンダーで受け入れています。
彼らはワンヒットワンダーで受け入れています。
彼らはアンコーラスでありません。
アイドルはアーティストです。
彼らは誰もが知っている曲を出すべきです。
彼らは誰もが知っている曲を出すべきです。
そのような曲はスファローです。
彼らはそのイメージを得ます。
彼らはその曲を歌うので、
私は彼らを止めたいと思います。
基本的に、
彼らはアンコーラスを受け入れています。
私は、ノギザカの場合、
彼らはアンコーラスを受け入れていません。
彼らはアンコーラスを受け入れていません。
それが、年齢者や子供たちが知っている曲です。
彼らは人気がありません。
彼らはそのような曲を歌うのが良いです。
私はドラゴナッシュを支援しています。
でも、彼らは人気の曲が一番多いです。
彼らは最も簡単です。
彼らは人気の曲が一番多いです。