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meaning and continuation are separate problems
this morning now i've been standing with nothing
inside for over 10 years like i always do butsometimes my mind
make up a story but feeling scared i try not tothink about it usually so i get scared
but the future sometimes times but i don't thinkabout it all day when i'm scared i think
i see the real world with me maybe i make upstories when i feel some normal
usually people have inside their own stories
when they feel empty or scared that story goesaway for a little bit so being okay usually means
you depend on stories and you see things betterwhen you feel empty but the truth is when you are
scared or feel empty you are still making upstories some people think it's no use living
which is too much also other animals feel emptytoo it's not just humans feeling empty it's just
natural and it's fine because you see things isthere when your mind shakes but if
you start making up scary stories but the futureafter that like saying it's no use living it
it'll be bad later so let me say it again i makeup stories usually too i'm more cold than
other people but i still do it no way you justfeel empty and scared maybe you're
normal and you see the future as it is you mightnot be making up stories then
but if that feelings get too strong things gowrong that's what i mean
anyway people make up stories and choose that as afinal answer for example you think your
parent will be nice to you or never ever want tobuild bad thing it's not natural to make up
stories like that but you shouldn't be em feelingscared is not a problem some weird groups say it's
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bad but it's okay you can't turn it off anyway you'd need a doctor to cut your brain to do that
it's fine to feel scared but making a final answerlike this is what life is meant you're
making up a story next thing animals feel emptytoo like i said but they don't think it's no use
by the way thinking either way is fine then alsomaking up a story so it's not i don't care if i
live or not then the truth they're just the sameand though it's hard to get it in your head
living and having a reason to live are twodifferent things and keeping your body moving
different from having a meaning but i still
one reason when i feel bad without it it was likegoing down but even when i know it's bad
sometimes i think living in this bad world is awrong choice but there's no right choice there
that's just a dream i live with nothing inside buti wanna make it feel okay to live like this
i i don't know i wanted to do that i know in myhead that meaning living and keeping your body
moving are different but people just live becausetheir bodies when i started to think i don't
need a reason really i'm just here right now nomatter what i think it's not right or wrong
thinking either way is fine there's a choice whenyou stop making a choice there right but when
living and dying goes away and you don't even feellike you're choosing to live so if i
have to give one reason why i'm alive it's becausei've been alive till now it's funny
choosing air be the choice but putting themtogether and saying either way it's fine feels
like you're trying to act cool animals don't thinklike life it's no meaning so it's no use
their heart beat their lungs move air they cleantheir clothes um they just live that's not
not right or wrong only humans put things on emptyshelf to make it look good even if they
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quit a group that believe in god they look foranother way i want some people to cheer for
famous singer to fill that shelf and somethingthey can be happy with someone like
putting something on the shelf also your minddoesn't move before you act after you act
your mind just make up a reason and says i did itbecause of this your mind that
doesn't move your body with that reason you justtrick yourself no thinking
you did it i do this all the time when i'm awakebut really the reason i'm alive and the good i've
been alive like i said um i'm just here but peoplefeel they need a reason they can't leave
empty so some people go to religion groups or lookfor magic things or look for the truth
science or try not to think but right and theymake up a story like i'm all alive because i
ended that or met that person saying i'm herebecause i just what of the story
maybe things would have been better that way tochange the topics a bit when i was
that groups i felt happy and said thank you atfirst but after some time it felt normal
even people outside that groups do that they saythank you to their parents but then they forget
daily life and that's normal because people getused to things your body gets used to things too
even if it's very strong at first you get used toit and don't feel it as much to stop this
a doctor have to cut you you can't stop it in yourbrain and your whole body are made to
get used to things i don't know but somethingthank you but if you choose to do something big
just keep doing what you are doing that bigfeelings will go well go away but that's fine
because you are still doing the something and thisis a bit like that but yesterday some someone
said they like a singer's song because it's a sadpart like just happy song and it makes them
feel better but i didn't agree i couldn't see whysuch parts make them better feel better
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but now i get why i didn't understand maybe i don't feel better with happy songs or sad songs
but now help me i thought but what kind of songsmakes me feel good and maybe it's when
singer usually think happy songs but show the sadside sometimes so it's not but which one's
better it's not just sad or happy songs whoeveryone thinks sad songs and they become popular
people get used to and feel that nothing the veryhappy song might make make them
feel better next time i thought but what kind ofsong
makes me feel good and it would be a song by so onand so on an exact same spot as me
which is impossible even alone couldn't do itgoing back to the story who you drop
the feelings of living as a choice to live onlyyour body moving said but need
reason to live is not a rule to stay alive livingis like breathing it just happen before
any reason it's hard for people to get it becausethey want reason but reason come later
but like i said reason don't make you act so theword reason's a bit wrong you can't separate
what you do from how you explain itichiro said heis reason for everything he does
but that's different from normal people or maybehe is fewer reason never mind now i'll talk about
today like i said yesterday my mom made a quickguess and got it wrong again my mouth down
over 10 times my mom said my dad is gonna eat atthe big party hell but then my mom said she
didn't know and it was wrong i thought so but itwas just a lunch box my mom didn't feel bad at
didn't know she did something crazy and it's crazyto me let's talk about this next what if
something happened to my mom and on itemergencywhat do i do first food if my mom can't move
should i go out i don't when i see neighbors whatif it's summer and the windows are open
it's hot really so it's very real i thought butthat but if like what i said before my mind was
just shaking i didn't know it but my stomach hurtsbut and i didn't feel well nothing really
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happened but my mind shook and then i got scaredbut the future make up a story i really
make up a story but like i said when i'm scaredbut the future i feel more normal and think i'm
seeing things as they're but so what staying likethat for 24 hours would be too hard i don't wantto
make up stories but usually maybe i need to runaway from the real world a bit to live but i can't
this house for some so many years makes thosefeelings go away i used to be very scared
and i'm still scared sometimes
but i just not get that ready for for it naturallyi just have to stay in this house
whether being scared whether or not i'm just readylast night there was a tea bag inside the
tea i don't like to exchange but lately my momtold me not to drink tea when i said to make it
once a day so i just have to make my own tea so tomy mom that change doesn't matter but
my mom makes mistake like this and it's hard forme because i hate change it's getting
hard lately and i didn't drink tea all winter sothe timing is really bad after that i did some
english study i'm too rushed lately and it's sohard yesterday too i didn't know if i should take
off my fleece and heattech clothes and change in asummer clothes or open the window next door
why am i trying to hear this heat for days i don'tget my own reasons anymore i said reasons
come later and you don't need um but you stillneed to know why things happen to live you have to
know pattern like this happen because that i wassaying this and because i hate when
things don't match what was said before yesterdayon tv someone said pop songs have to
be sung beautifully unlike musical what then theytold someone who was gonna sing a pop song that
they don't have to think beautifully that's puzzled me i think wait that's different from what
what you just said also i think i never loved notanything deeply but i did love dragon
nash and baseball team nichome maybe i just forgotas time went by which happened to everyone
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i think i feel this was because i compare myselfto others and i think i had no hobbies and
i'm perfectionist so i just quit things and i can't believe i love them deeply i envy people
who love something deeply but i don't want to findsomething now i can't anyway and if and i did
my perfectness side would come out and i drop i i'd stop it's a bad circle going back to what i
said people say Mozart is great because he's andhe is a dark dark song monk is bright ones but
that come on now i don't know but this time but asimple mix doesn't make it great i thought about
uh and it's a dark song or so dark people call hima devil song and that's
as he it's a real side what he really wanted to dobut back then rich people told him
and to write grand song so he has the what hereally wanted to write with this devil song but i
think when you look for help on songs words you'llnever feel better because what can't really
save your thinking thinking towards real helpthere are means you're already lost also i lookedup
web blogs and see because i heard they're verydangerous for you
you can't get get out my uncle was ready to workthrough a dangerous spot at night to go fishing
he was around dangerous things things since he wasyoung i was thinking how unsafe that really
was when i look up why sea float around there somehold net to keep the jellyfish and shark
and there are other reason it's fun to run i likestrange things i don't know before i thought
running that stuff didn't help me grow but now ienjoy it i'm just called to life
both are good and pathway going back to the windowstory i open it but the neighbors are loud
especially that loud old radio but i but but i'llopen it
um somewhere anyway last year i opened it tooearly and felt bad about it why open it
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first i'll feel cold when i change in a summerclothes later but if i do it differently from
last year i'll get mixed up why change in a summerclothes now it might be easier first but i
won't open the next room's window for a while so iwant my body to get used to the heat so
i want my body to get used to the heat maybe ishould bear the pain now but
really it's so hard i can't even record my podcastwell it's too hard but if i change now
when i when it's hot it it'll be bad at nightbecause i always use a blanket even if i cover
half my body it'll be too hot and that's problem ithought but my many things i was gonna change
today but last night last night i started thinkingbut the podcast description game
i chose it was like i said yesterday but i startedthinking but it's a game just running my
stomach hurt my head hurt and i don't know what todo also for dinner yesterday i cooked chicken
and onion together with potato salad and it was sogood the feel in my mouth was great and
boiled eggs different every time but yesterday wasgood i could taste the yellow part here well
there are the macaroni too sometimes there wasparsley before but yesterday i feel bad maybe
like summer sickness i'm wearing a fleece so i can't help but i got summer sickness even when
it's not summer eating lunch and dinner was hardand yesterday was tough all day i don't know why
but looking at night well it's hard makes me feellike i did something good which is problem
yesterday morning was busy too i stayed in thebathroom for the long time sleeping is hard so
night was hard and the morning was busy and toughtoday wasn't too hot so i'm glad i stayed on my
clothes it was clothes i changed clothes it wouldhave been bad feeling is making me feel weird
and choosing when to change clothes is so hard ifailed many times before once a year i didn't
take off my fleece there and during today i couldn't just eat less tofu so i drank more water