00:25
I'm thinking about the name of my show, and Iwonder how many times
I've already said this. I'm talking a real showthis morning, but I really feel like I getswallowed by a big empty space sometimes, andwithout even noticing it, I probably become aperson who gets swallowed by this empty space inevery part of my life.
But I think it's important to stand straightinside this empty space, or rather, my body haschanged so that I can only look inside this emptyspace now.
Now, my body was like that from the very start.Since I was in religion for 20 years with a bigbody like that, it makes a lot of heavy friction,and what has held me up through that friction isbeing very strict with myself, to be exact,putting a heavy load on myself.
Other than that, my steps were living and stayingalive, which means routine and various rules, butin the end, using a word that doesn't fit my viewof the world, meaning it's a wrong way to say it,but it's like a spirit.
A spirit that doesn't want to lose, though I don'tknow if that's right. Maybe it's that kind ofenergy, but fighting back itself, I feel like it'smaking a story. I throw away everything that lookslike a story or a fake picture in my head, butwhen I'm eating breakfast today, I always think,what's the point of tasting this?
Who's so clearly? And I'm not looking for themeaning of life. I know there's no meaning tolife. So what it is, the feeling of what's thepoint of living is completely different. We'relooking for the meaning of life, right?
03:12
Fighting back means trying to run away from it orbeat it. But like I said before, I lived togetherwith this empty space. Now, usually, when you'retrying to fight this empty space or when you trynot to lose to it, you either run away to a rescueor get too eager to fight it.
I don't know what this feeling is, but I think Icould live by doing things as always, so I don'tlose this empty space, meaning keeping thingsgoing. After all, I think keeping things going isthe only way to beat this empty space.
But while I know in my head that life has nomeaning, even when I'm winning, thinking what'sthe point of doing this must be like a withdrawalproblem. Because I was deeply in that religion for20 years, right? I guess I look for the meaningwithout noticing it.
I think that's what it is. But when you thinkabout it a bit, it's strange. So I'm thinking what's the point of doing this because I'm inside thisempty space. But I'm thinking what's the point ofdoing this as a withdrawal problem from thereligion.
Would that come out even if I'm not inside thisempty space? But after all, it's good I'm in thisempty space because if I weren't in it, a questionlike what's the point of doing this wouldn't comeout at all, right?
If you think about what happens when a person whodoesn't do religion falls into this empty space, Ithink people who face the meaning of life thatmuch feel there's no meaning to everything orbecome extremely realistic like that, meaning theyknow it.
They know it in their head, but they don't reallyknow it. I guess that's what I think.
I think self-help and mental health look forrescue as if it's natural, but I think what'swaiting after you run away? The rescue is despairor rescue is humiliation for me and maybe thatpart of me that hates losing is coming out.
06:21
And that spirit doesn't want to lose it. Afterall, come to think of it, first of all, this showshouldn't look like mental health. This is hurt.It's not mental health at all. It's not a rescue.It's not story of getting better and I have zeroplan to rescue anyone.
But in a way, I believe it can end up as adifferent kind of rescue that isn't rescue. It'shurt, I don't mind. If people think it's just ashow talking about way of living, and I don't meanto talk about a way of living, it's just a recordof how I move.
A record of how I move inside this empty space andalso, how to say this, empty space and words isvery hurt. Also, about order, trying to say orderor saying strict, I tried various way, but it'shurt.
But this empty space, it's not being a realist whothink there is nothing, but it's not being empty.It's hurt. Also, what about hope or those kind ofthings, you use expression, self-story to write.Also, it's not fiction and it's not non-fiction.
And speaking of self-story, in a sense that thefuture I always talk about makes the past, you endup making it anyway and you make it because humannature.
So, I think explaining the past itself is off frommy rule after all. Of course, thinking I shouldhave done that thing or that was right or that wasright. Thinking about that it's a self-story afterall, I guess I should stop.
Also, my sense of duty that I was born to do this,that self-story mixed with a bit strange magictalk too, but the self-story itself is probably atroublesome thing.
Now, I'd like to talk about what happened today. Iwas watching a video yesterday and even thoughthey went to an Italian restaurant, they weregiven fried chicken for some reason.
09:13
And it was strange to me, but my mom already knowsthe details about the situation properly too, butwhen I said, if you are not going to serve food,you don't need to rent an expensive place like anItalian restaurant on purpose.
She said, maybe there was nowhere else to buy foodexcept fried chicken that way of the mark. I'm notlooking for a right answer, but we are rentingthis expensive place on purpose and Italian fooddoesn't come out, but entering like the food does.
So, I said, why rent this place? And usually theanswer would be like, we didn't need a restaurant,right? But for some reason, she started sayinginstead of fried chicken, maybe there was nowhereelse, so I was surprised also.
So, I changed clothes yesterday, but today is theday to change clothes too. It seems the fleecejacket isn't washed yet, and if they use thedryer, some dirt that doesn't usually come outmight come out, and now I feel a hopeless mood. Ihope it dries somehow.
Also, following up yesterday about the video,first my mom's talk started with a reason to showthe feed right, like she was looking it up, causeit was necessary.
She started saying don't look up extra things, sothere's nothing I can do.
I even watched all the way through, and I thinkshe said not watching it is, but well, you watchit regularly, right?
So, I said this, anyway, what it even was, untilnow, I said, I feel I'm not trusted, I said I'mnot trusted by this person, it's not that the factthat she doesn't trust me is anything big, I justthought I'm not trusted anyway.
12:11
I got that kind of feeling, I thought I'm nottrusted by this person, meaning my mom's problemfrom before, the point of not trusting, thereseemed to be a problem from before that, and afterthat, the talk goes on.
But honestly, I forgot, anyway, it was toocomplicated, and her stance is like, you watch ita lot, right? She doesn't trust me at all, right?
And yesterday too, there was one that you can onlywatch halfway through in the video, and I couldwatch it yesterday, but when I told her this, shesaid, no, you definitely watch it to the end.
And I think what I found out as a result was thatthe order got strange, and it felt like it washalfway through, but anyway, since my mom issaying this, it's halfway through, right? It's notnothing wrong here, no matter how it really is.
I think she has that kind of understanding too,and when I went to the first floor to changeclothes just now, my mom was stripping first, andshe looked at me like she woke up, surprised, andI'm in the middle of working, and if I talk likethat, my routine breaks, so I don't like it.
But there was a drama before, at that time, eventhough she shouldn't watch TV, in the middle ofthe night, my mom was watching TV, she woke up,surprised down too, and since there's drama fromthat time, when I said, you were stripping justnow, right? She said in an angry way, no, that'snot true.
It's possible she was just sitting at thecomputer, but I clearly felt she was stripping, soI tried calling out to her, but well, my mom wasangry, but it can be helped even if she told this.
Because she had stripped without telling mebefore, so she didn't understand that it can behelped that she told this.
15:02
So now, for the next story, it's from yesterday'stalk, there's a person who can say what they wantto say clearly to others, and of course, even ifthey say it, the person who also has that kind ofstrength is true kindness, right?
That's true, you get the impression that when ascary person is kind, that's true kindness, right?It's true that respecting someone and feeling fearprobably have some common mind part, but thinkingthat because someone looks scary, that being kindmeans true strength, where kindness is out of thequestion.
So, in the first place, saying a person who cansay what they want to say smoothly to others isstrength or kindness, that's probably just a crime, right? Meaning a kind person is just kind ofprobably, if you start saying that's not strengthor that's not true kindness, there's no end to it,probably.