00:00
Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 50 years. No commute, no bus. Still somehowequipped with problems. Parents offline, friendsout of stock. So this show is just daily life fromlong-term Hikikomori mode.
Keep going. Slow is fine. Stopping is fine. Justmove forward. Hikikomori hero still standing. Thisis just a podcast.
Before the podcast upload were regular sometimes,and my parent is still the one posting them forme. And my parent got confused about it again. Itwas only for a few days, and I told them that atthe time and explained it clearly.
But today, she asked if I was gonna keep doing itthat way from now on. And this is where it getstough. And she got confused. She weren't listeningback then.
Well, this kind of thing happened, and my parentjust said I understood. I just wanted to check itwould be solved right away.
If she said, I already know I was just asking. Itwouldn't be much of a problem. But today, I gotcomplicated. I don't remember it that well.
First, I asked her to look at the note, and ittook a while to find them. Then, she found her,but still didn't get it.
I was hoping she'd find the note and say allright. This was only for a few times. But evenafter looking at it, they were saying somethingconfusing. I don't remember the details. It wasreally tiring to explain over and over.
I said, did I ever say we'd do it this way fromnow on? I never said that. That was just for a fewdays, right? And my parent gave some strangeexplanation. That didn't make sense. That wasn'tthe only thing today.
03:00
Before that, I noticed something yesterday. It'sbeen about 10 years since I stopped laughing, andI almost never laugh now. And I thought I really,really have had no energy at all.
I'm not sure how to put it. It's not like I'mstuck in bed. It's more like being a robot. There's a feeling of no hope, but also no excitementand no sudden burst of energy, just living day byday in a flat kind of way.
But looking back, I think just living each dayquietly was the right way to go. Doing things fora reason or for motivation just doesn't work forme.
Somehow, I've managed to stay out of bed and keepgoing this whole. Well, in energy, I'm not sure ifenergy is the right word.
So, if I ever accidentally drank one of thoseenergy drinks, I think it would make for a reallyrough day. Those energy drinks and similar things.
Also, full medicine apparently isn't great either.Mentally, I think it wouldn't be good for me.
Next topic. Studying philosophy or psychology forthe podcast doesn't feel natural to me because I'dbe doing it with a goal in my mind.
Like studying for a test, that kind of thing. I'vealways avoided that. Doing something with aspecific purpose in mind just doesn't work for me.
Honestly, studying English also doesn't feelright, and even making a podcast isn't reallyideal.
So, something like strength training is justright. It's not like I'm doing any sport, sobuilding up my body doesn't have a real point.
But that level of pointlessness is just right.Learning about food doesn't make me a cook, and I'm not gonna nice restaurant or writing a foodblog, but that level of it is just right.
06:06
Though yesterday I talked about the commonexperience of people who grew up in a religion andI'm thinking about how to keep looking into thingslike that.
Same with the podcast I'm listening to now. I'malso going back and forth on that. I can dostrength training in the middle of the night.
And if I try to study, I'm an all-or-nothing kindof person. So with all the countless articles andblogs and things out there, I'd only end upcovering a small part of it.
It feels like standing in front of a huge openfield and not being able to move. And if I studyand then talk about things that don't really fitthe show and people stop listening, that would bea problem too. It would be hard to listen to.
Going back to what happened in the morning, myparents wanted to ask whether the English episodeshould be posted first.
They wanted to ask if the English episode shouldbe posted first. But what they said was, is thereEnglish in it?
From my side, it was like, what is this personsuddenly talking about? It came out of nowhere andmade no sense in context and that's what it feltlike.
When I asked about it later, they said they wantedto ask whether the English episode should beposted first. But all they said was those fewwords, is there English in it?
Yeah, that was surprising. I had no idea what theywere saying. They probably just don't feel theneed to explain things to other people.
Also, I sometimes think back to someone from mybasketball club in high school. There was a juniorin person, I think. There was a sub-leader.
At the school festival in first year, they didn'tseem that motivated, but they stepped up and triedto be part of the group.
Most of the people in the club were tough andstrong-willed and I don't think they fit in thatwell. That person joined for basketball, butactually maybe they weren't great with peopleeither.
09:15
They were almost too straightforward and maybethey had a hard time with relationships. Thosewere the kind of things I was thinking back on.
Also, a lot of people get help from caregiversjust to take a bath. Yesterday, I was looking intothat a bit.
I was curious about it like when someone needshelp bathing. I wondered whether everyone reallyneed to take a bath even with help since I don'ttake bath myself.
But I do wipe down my body and honestly, I feellike I'm doing okay compared to before. But still,everyone takes a bath even when they need helpfrom someone, even old people.
So then, what am I? I'm not taking a bath. This issomething I feel a little embarrassed talkingabout, but I said it anyway.
The reason now is better than before is thatbefore I couldn't dry my hair and so there wasprobably a lot of bacteria and I wasn't properlywiping under my arms.
People who had their hair removed are different,but that's good for the whole body. Speaking ofthat, there are many times I wish I could reallyget full body hair removal done.
Before, I found shaving my head and face annoyingand I wanted to make it more efficient, so I doubted about whether I could somehow remove the hairmyself.
Honestly, the beard is one thing, but I really dowant hair removal. I had no money, I have no time,but I just can't leave the house and I probablywon't have money in the future.
Either so, thinking about that, other people cando that, I can't. It makes me feel like not justmy personality, but the way I live my life is outof step with everyone else too.
12:02
My way of living is already out of step andthinking about that is really painful.
Also with X, I said to just write the show nameand that's the setting my parent handles, but whenthey were doing the setup, they said thedescription was too long for the character limit,
so I said to look at the note and they looked andsaid, oh, it's written like this and things likethat happened.
First, they do things I never asked for and wastetime. There were other things to do, like lookinginto options and what's needed to be done rightthen.
They just waste time like that all the time andthey don't like the notes I've written, so notesare pointless or even they do look, they misreadthem and they are still pointless.
Or they write them in their own way and get thewrong idea. That kind of things happened.
Recording in the afternoon now. I came upstairsand I'm recording. Today was rough again. I had astomachache. It's been a while.
Or maybe not that long. And that cause is unknown.I didn't eat much pork yesterday.
Also, I was talking about Spotify. My parents saidthey were changing it to no ads mode. I had noidea what they were talking about.
Again, something that didn't fit the conversationat all. They said they are changing it so thereare no ads and I still didn't get it.
Did they mean without any notice or email? But Ithought, would I ever say it that way?
If I said they are changing Spotify to no ads tosummer, there's no way they'd understand what Imeant. I would never put it that way.
Also, maybe that got them a little upset. Afterthat they said, what did you just say? And seemedto blame me.
After that, I thought about asking why they werein a bad mood but they seemed back to normal. So Ithought it was better not to say anything.
15:03
Also, I still going back and forth about thepodcast again.
I'm not sure if I can say the cover is done ornot. But maybe all this worrying is why my stomachis acting up.
And I'm actually going back and forth about rightnow is, Portuguese and Spanish is very similar.
Right now there are a lot of Brazilian listenersso maybe Portuguese would be better.
And what if I started doing Portuguese at thispoint? There are a lot of Brazilian listeners sodoing Portuguese makes sense.
But if I switch to Spanish, would the listenerschange? That's the question.
Right now I'm not speaking Portuguese but Brazilians are already listening.
So do I do Portuguese or do I do Spanish eventhough there are currently zero Spanish speakinglisteners.
And the chance is that something might change.
So I looked into the number of Spanish andPortuguese listeners and how those markets aregrowing.
I looked into quite a bit. I listened toPortuguese to see how hard the pronunciation is.
I also listened to some Brazilian music to get afeel for it.
And I looked into the pronunciation differencefrom Spanish.
I looked into which is growing more Spanish orBrazilian Portuguese.
I looked into which countries people are morelikely to be interested in being a chatting.
I looked into what Brazil's pronunciationpopulation will look like in the future.
I looked into whether there's any chance ofgaining listeners by doing Spanish.
Since right now not a single Spanish speakingperson is listening.
Doing all that I realize, Brazil being friendly toJapan is one thing.
But in terms of population it's similar toIndonesia.
So if the reason for choosing the language isbecause Brazilians are Japan friendly
then by some logic Indonesia would work just aswell.
Right now no Spanish speaking people are listeningbut Brazilians are.
Is that because it doesn't matter whether eitherSpanish or Portuguese.
18:05
Or Brazilians are listening simply because a lotof them understand English.
If that's the case, would switching to Spanishbring a big change?
Those were things I was looking into.
It's really hard if Spanish speaking people aren'tlistening.
So even if I do Spanish would it really grow?
And are Brazilians listening not because the showfits them but simply because they understandEnglish.
That's what I was looking into.
It was a lot of work.
Recording late at night.
Now back in my student days.
And when I was starting to retake my exams.
Being a perfectionist and having a correctingpersonally combined.
And I'd stayed up all night looking for theperfect videos.
You can do it because you have the time.
It's not that bad now.
But I still find myself wanting to watcheverything once I start.
And I've been watching many short videos.
Social media is very easy to get addicted to.
But I've been watching yesterday and today.
And honestly it scares me a little.
Also something I've talked about before.
What's the point of recording a podcast inEnglish?
I used to feel this loneliness like does anyoneelse even do this?
But it turned out doing a podcast in multiplelanguages is actually a current trend.
Why was I feeling so alone about it?
I thought but finding that out didn't make me feelgood.
Because the same thing happened with note.
Note what exactly is it?
It's not wordpress.
It's a way to write a blog called note.
Well it is more like social media.
I was looking for tools and I came across it.
And my gut said this is good.
And a few years later it started getting popular.
And now note articles are all over the internet.
But I'm frustrated.
I found something ahead of the curve but I didn'tuse it.
Thinking that maybe the same thing is happeningwith multilingual podcast idea.
21:07
It's just too painful.
Recording in the morning now.
Changing in podcast stats and trouble focusing.
First about the morning I looked at country statsfor the podcast and they were changed again.
And now I'm worrying even more about how to sharethe episode.
I'm really struggling.
When I'm this unsure about something from themorning my depression feels worse.
Also for animals change always means there mightbe danger to their life.
So change doesn't happen without being aware of itI think.
But when you think about what you do whilesleeping that's clearly without being aware of it.
Basically the way humans act and even more the waythe mind works is built to not change.
And to be aware of it when it does change.
But like I always say the moment something evenslightly unrelated enters my mind my ability tofocus disappears.
The moment something unrelated becomes part of myawareness and focus is gone.
Especially during meals it's rarely but I know it's okay.
My head knows it's fine even if something changed.
But during meals I have no memory of even a secondago because I'm concentrating so hard.
And if something does change it always enters myawareness.
Is this change okay?
Animals are built to check for that.
And in my case especially during meals if my focusgets pulled away I can't get it back quickly.
It's definitely related to anxiety too because itaffects how I feel.
People sometimes need a change right?
Because you get tired of things things change tosome degree.
And then my focus breaks completely or it takestime to get back.
Also I've been thinking lately I just wanna talkabout how I'm different from other people.
But it ends up sounding like a complaint and I'mnot sure what to do about that.
24:10
I don't wanna complain at all but I get worriedthat's the way I'm saying things might soundunpleasant.
Also in the morning I was talking with my parentsabout the grocery store.
And what caught my attention first was them sayingSaturday is busy you know.
Grocery stores even ones that are usually quiet.
Are busy on holiday right?
I wasn't sure how to explain that.
I didn't bring it up just then but I think it'sprobably just busy because it's a holiday.
Holidays are busy.
They probably think it's busy specifically becauseit's Saturday not that holiday.
In general are busy.
Under those conditions other stores would be thesame weekend are busier.
Also a sudden idol did a commercial shoot at someplace.
And somehow flew in front outside the area on aplane just to see that spot.
Since it's usually not open to the public I thinkthey'd probably just see it's a regular tree orwhatever.
What I was thinking.
Can people like that keep seeing the world throughthat kind of dream like lens forever?
There are people who go to location from dreamsand end shows for that same reason.
But it's kind of amazing being able to keep seeingthings through that kind of dream.
Are people who go to drama filming location fullyliving inside that world?
I'm not sure. That's what I was talking with myparents about in the morning.
Also I remember the electronics store near us wassupposed to close or move about a year ago.
And now my parents said it's still there.
27:02
I said that's different from what you told me.
And they said something like maybe the flyer aren't coming from there but from where they moved to.
Well if that's the case then you said a year agothey were moving but now it's still there.
They said it's clearly at the time but they werejust saying it without really knowing.
It's much more likely the flyer are coming fromthe same store at the new location.
It's the same store after all.
I feel a little silly for even thinking about it.
That's hard.
But strange things do happen.
On the way to high school there was a grocerystore and conveyor belt sushi place.
But there was also used goods shop, ramen place.
And at least one other thing and I thought ohthere were that many different shops in that onearea.
I thought the people around here have it prettyconvenient.
There's even a bookstore nearby.
That's what I was talking about too.
Also yesterday there was a UFO fan topic andyesterday there was a cooking researcher I talkedabout before.
And there was also someone who does a podcast andthey apparently also make boxed lunches prettyaffordable ones.
Yesterday there was sesame oil in it.
And I think daikon radish and carrot.
The carrot were really good.
Daikon has a kind of delicate quality to it.
Japanese people like delicate things so maybe that's why there's a lot of it.
Same with tofu.
And the chicken.
Did I talk about this before?
Sakura Hime chicken.
Apparently it's a really good kind of chicken.
It's only get bought when it's on sale.
The taste is completely different.
And with podcast I wonder why some people suddenlystopped their show and some only did a fewepisodes.
30:05
Maybe they stopped because podcasts just aren'tthat popular in Japan.
And some people are somehow heading on for theirlife.
But I sometimes wonder if it's a losing battle.
Watching people like that.
Also yesterday was kimchi.
Kimchi is really good on the first bite.
So it's not really that healthy.
There might be some kind of sweetener in it.
The first bite is great.
But after the taste kind of faded.
But because the first bite is so good.
That stays in my memory and so I want to eat itagain next time.
Also the podcast I'm listening to right now.
The show I've been listening to is ending.
And this happening right at the time.
When I was already wondering whether listening topodcasts in bed was a good idea.
But the next show I'm thinking oh sounds prettyinteresting.
And I don't want to get dependent on it.
So I was going back and forth on whether now is agood time to stop.
Well for me the content is really just somethingto pass the time.
So I was thinking if I'm going to do this why notstudy the language instead.
Like psychology and philosophy I was talking aboutbefore.
Should I at least know the basic words.
I've had an idea for a while.
But doing it halfway doesn't feel right either.
And I'm not an expert.
So talking about it on the podcast doesn't feelright either.
And I'm not that interested in psychology.
And there aren't many good ways to study it.
Maybe there are apps for it.
I looked through a lot of YouTube but nothingreally stood out.
Okay suddenly changing the topic.
Beef feels special and there's a sense of luxuryaround it.
Well maybe not full luxury but it feels like atreat right.
Compared to chicken and pork.
Of course I was surprised before that in Osaka.
33:03
Wait no not Osaka.
The Tokyo area.
Actually I forget which one.
I think it was Osaka.
They use beef in curry.
But still beef being more expensive is a fact.
And people do think beef is more expensive.
So I think nationwide beef has an image of beingpricey.
But when I looked into it just now.
It's simply because it costs more to feed them.
And it takes longer to be ready for sale.
That time before sale apparently murders arose.
I heard that before.
How quickly you can get it to market affects theprice.
So if that's all it is.
Then the way we think about beef.
Like for my family we can only eat it once a year.
It's real luxury.
It's really just that it's harder to raise.
And that's all.
So many people carry this kind of assumptionwithout even realizing it.
That's why you don't notice things like this.
Also see.
Arching is expensive because it's hard to catchand raise.
And I don't know if this is about workingconditions or not.
But I heard before that a lot of cost goes intomaking it look good.
Rather than just taste good.
And that's just tacked on to the price.
I was thinking about that.
Not exactly something usual.
But it has a kind of taste plus.
Something unique.
There are plenty of other food that taste similar.
So it's strange that only the arching is soexpensive.
But on the other hand.
There was a celebrity who said buying expensivething is fine because they last longer.
But they last longer.
But depending on how you look at it.
That basically means it all evens out in the end.
But if you follow the logic.
36:01
The more expensive something is, the better valueit is.
Better value it is.
Whatever price something is.
Looking at it over your whole life.
It doesn't matter at all.
No matter how expensive something is.
That's where that logic ends up loading.
I don't understand why they don't notice that.
There I go complaining again.
Also just like last time with the WBC.
I expected before it was with a team.
This time as part of the national team.
There's apparently been a lot of online hatedirected at southern players.
I really support those players.
But I don't wish the bad thing on people.
I really don't.
But I thought, yeah, of course this happened.
And I noticed this strange feeling of excitementin myself.
And it's an uncomfortable feeling.
But I guess that's just human nature.
But people who truly wish bad things on others.
You can clearly tell when you see them.
I've sometimes thought this person is different.
And there are always a certain number of peoplelike that.
Also a new worry came up.
Already I kind of knew this.
But the current AI technology is amazing.
Apparently it can copy the tone, speed.
And even the hesitation in someone's voicecompletely.
Which means using a translation tool.
That would actually be better for reaching peopleoverseas.
And I don't speak English myself.
It gets the feeling across better to peopleoverseas.
But if everything can be copied like that.
Then there's no point in speaking English.
Which I kind of already knew.
But I didn't think it had gotten this far.
I thought it was 50 years away.
It's a shock that there's no way to stand out fromthe crowd either.
If everyone starts doing this.
Yeah, that was really surprising.
And there are other shows doing that too.
Also because English and Japanese shows are inJapanese.
39:04
I started wondering whether I should split my showinto separate one too.
Good night. Recording in bed now.
Before I talk about what's happened today.
I'm currently going back to first episode titled.
Some podcast just put the episode number.
But that doesn't make me want to listen.
And if people think it's a mental health show.
Or think it's about one specific topic.
That's not quite right either.
It's more like a monologue kind of show.
So I'm going back and forth on that.
And also like I said before.
I'm still stuck on the Portuguese question.
So I was looking into what Brazilians like as acountry today.
I pretty much wasted time again.
Also over the past three days.
I haven't been able to record English episode.
It's like becoming that person who panics.
Because their summer vacation homework isn't done.
I had that feeling.
Normally I'd have it done ahead of time.
But for these past three times.
These past three times.
It's just I didn't work out.
For various reasons.
And cover and finishing touches took time.
So I feel like I wasted time.
And I still haven't started studying Spanish rightnow.
I'm still doing multiple languages.
But what kind of title should I use?
If the title is too specific.
It doesn't fit the casual conversation and monologue style of the show.
Right now I'm numbering the episodes.
I was thinking about how to make multiple languageepisodes easy to look.
Through without using date.
Okay, so let me talk about what happened today.
First, the soybeans.
I was gonna use green soybeans.
Toast them.
Later make them to a bit roasted smelling.
And dip them in burnt mayo.
And I said that was planned for that day.
After tomorrow.
And they didn't listen.
At first I thought well maybe just missing theword day after tomorrow is understandable.
But not thinking about it again.
42:01
Given the grow of conversation.
They should have understood for sure.
There's no way to get confused.
Because what's happening tomorrow is alreadydecided.
My parents just hear things the way that'sconvenient for them.
Also today this was just a simple mistake.
I said don't heat up the full block of tofu.
But it all came out called bad luck.
Bad luck.
Of all the times for this to happen.
I was cold.
The tofu was cold and just got colder.
I was eating it thinking something fell off.
And noticed the texture was exactly the same asusual.
And on top of that the water hadn't been removed.
So it felt really heavy.
And I felt like I couldn't eat it properly at all.
I was thinking what to do.
What do I do from tomorrow.
But that turned out to be a waste of thinking.
It was just that there was too much water in it.
So it filled me up.
And up until now my parents had never oncementioned.
That heating in the microwave removes water.
They never explained that at all.
All they said was that it matters whether youremove the water before putting it in themicrowave.
So hearing that the amount of water that getsremoved depends on how long you heat it in themicrowave.
That was completely new to me.
My plan changed again.
And I had to think hard about it.
How much water to remove from now on.
How long to heat it in the microwave.
It was really a lot of thinking.
Also I had said it was fine to either fry thesoybeans in a pan or use a microwave.
But then my parents said you said to cook it in apan didn't you.
Same with the green soybeans thing.
They said with complete confidence you said it wasgreen soybeans tomorrow didn't you.
45:02
But I never said that.
They were so sure about it.
But when I said I never said that.
They said what that is.
Was that it.
And I thought if you weren't that sure.
Why did you say it with such confidence.
Ok next topic.
About the title things I mentioned earlier.
Actually thinking about it was a waste of time.
I didn't even need to go back and forth on it.
There was some difference between the English andJapanese episode.
And I was thinking of writing something like sushishot in day X.
I came up with various ideas for the Japaneseepisode.
But that ended up being ruined too bad.
Also in the afternoon something I noticed that thesudden show.
I once said what station it's from.
But it's a radio show on a sudden station where anidol is regular.
And they forced in a segment about the local areainto a special episode.
And that just doesn't fit an idol show.
Idol X the station I used to listen to the radioevery day.
But I kind of wonder about the staff.
The staff at that station.
Or maybe the people they work with.
I'm not sure.
But it seems like there are a lot of people fromtop universities working there.
Which in a way is strange.
But basically smart people with no sense of styledoing entertainment.
This is what you get.
Also I had a hard time remembering what I wantedto say next.
I'm not even sure if this is the right topic.
But there was another thing I wanted to talkabout.
People say their job is really hardest.
And today's person was someone in the traditionalJapanese.
Performing art.
Saying it's really tough what they are pushingthrough.
And that makes me pull back a little.
I'm pretty strict with myself but still.
Every day I'm doing my best just to deal with what's in front of me.
And I don't look back and think that's what's sohard.
48:00
There's no room for that.
And complaining.
Comparing myself to others and thinking I'm goingthrough something harder than most people.
I just don't think that way.
I can compare so saying I'm in traditional art andit's really tough.
I just don't get it.
From my own experience something that's truly sohard you don't think you can keep going.
No matter how strict I am with myself.
Something like that has never lasted in my life.
Because something truly that's hard you just can'tkeep going.
And people get you to think.
You stop thinking about how hard it is after amonth or so.
And if you are comparing it to other jobs andthinking this is the hardest.
If you are really thinking about that you probablycan't keep going.
Or the job or the parents it's out.
One of the two.
Also lately when I'm recording as a podcast itkeeps turning into complaints.
And that bothers me.
And lately I've been going back and forth aboutthe heater at night.
If it's too warm I feel hot and then I think Iwaste money on the heater.
How about everyone else recording tonight?
First there was apparently bullying in a certainidol group.
Leaving one member out.
Something like that happened.
Well at my house it's kind of like my parents isthe one being treated badly.
Well it's actually worse than that.
And yet they are the one standing for my sake.
And I felt really bad thinking about that.
It was really painful.
Also after that kind of topic my parents keepletting out gas nearby.
I go back and forth on whether to say somethingeach time it happens.
It happens so often.
Also my dad probably knows the background of whymy mom is standing.
And the starting point of all this was a problemmy dad caused at a religion funeral.
He put information about the current state of ourfamily.
51:05
Kuroki family in the booklet without permission.
And that's what set everything off.
I think he understands why he's standing.
So he probably feels bad about it.
Feels responsible.
But right now especially I'm really angry at theleader of the religion.
And of all times for things to go wrong.
So there were many times before I wanted to let mydad know how terrible things have been.
But it's never worked out.
And yet now of all times it seems to be working.
Well maybe that he doesn't really care how to say.
Those are kind of worries I've had lately.
Also today I was daydreaming about a teacher fromschool having a meal together on a school trip.
Wishing I had talked more.
Or wondering if saying this is really good wouldhave been enough.
Or thinking maybe damn it time to talk to me.
Because I normally couldn't.
Things like that made me feel upset.
Also this is another daydream.
If I were on a date and went on a trip with agirlfriend.
Or even just at home.
There's no way I'd just sit and stare at the TV.
I don't want to spend time doing nothing.
And I don't want to spend time doing somethingthat feels too safe.
But I also don't think pushing myself towardssomething specific is right either.
I don't want to do something with a purpose.
And I also can't accept just sitting and watchingTV.
So what would I do at a time like that?
That's why I think I'm pretty different from mostpeople.
Being able to just relax and have that kind offree time.
It would be nice to have that kind of mentalspace.
But I'm not sure I do.
