00:28
Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 15 years.
No commute, no bus, still somehow fully equippedwith problems.
Parent offline, friend out of stock, so this showis just daily life from long-term hikikomori mode.
I think I met someone today, but I'm still worriedabout the future.
Why was I thinking so much about things before?
I was thinking about medical places, like whatkind of people go there,
what chronic means, what chronic stage means,
and the condition they have, and some hospitalsdon't have any condition at all.
But even if that's true, I don't know what thatreally means for me.
I also start feeling anger towards my parents, andI already run a simulation in my head.
I told the doctor that they can understandeverything just from my body condition.
I said I can never call an ambulance,
or I will call one every time my stomach hurts,each one or the other.
I imagined myself saying that.
03:00
And when I'm sleeping, maybe because I'm halfconscious,
when I wake up and my body is itchy, I put my handin my underwear and scratch.
It's dirty, but I do it.
And today I didn't want to touch my bed afterthat, so I left it like that.
And because it was my usual routine, I simulatethat too.
When I change my routine, my head does a hugesimulation.
When I wake up, I don't have much control.
Even if I tell myself, don't scratch,
I still scratch about my family and communication.
My parents were pretty bad.
Just talking to my mom made my dad make noiselike, go upstairs now.
He scratched the wall or rushed to the bathroom.
Even though I was on the first floor, that'ssomething I can forgive, no matter what.
I don't bother people.
Even when I just woke up in the past and now,
my mood right after waking up is bad.
I thought it would change when I became an adult,but it didn't.
Now I don't talk to anyone right after waking up,so I don't know.
I don't have anyone to talk to anyway.
My conversation partner is a long-haired doll.
My conversation partner is a long-haired doll.
My grandma gave me AI and a boy ghost in thecorner of my room.
06:00
I wish I could say that, but I can't see ghost.
I'm not a type who lives in fantasy and thinksdolls or robots are my friends.
I'm not like people who say their friends are dogsor cats.
I can't do that.
If I had a choice, I'd rather talk to old peoplein the neighborhood.
I can't run away to something else just because I'm lonely.
When I was little, I didn't think trains were myfriends or games were my friends.
I just have to endure the loneliness.
I'm too lonely and too different from people.
If I escape from reality every time, it becomes abig problem.
Most people can escape reality a bit and still goto school, but I'm too different.
If I escape reality, I can go back. I can return.
I wish I could enter a novel world or a maze, butthat never happened.
Religion didn't help me either.
Some people find someone to talk to in religion,old people, young people.
But I think I was forced to make world withreligion people.
It was too much.
I built too many worlds.
I've been overthinking since this morning.
I studied really hard for exam, but maybe I wasjust talking and having fun with my friend forhalf a year.
Middle school was too hard for me, so maybe that'swhy it happened.
My teacher also came to see me sometimes.
So high school entrance exam was a trauma for me.
09:03
When the result came out, I wasn't happy at all.
This morning, my mom asked me how was the exam dayitself.
And I thought I worked so hard.
I did everything I could.
But now it's just something I talk about like anold memory.
In high school, my future plan and studying didn'tgo well.
Maybe I had more motivation than students from topschools
like Kaisei or Tsukuba or La Salle.
During my hikikomori period, I became very strictwith myself.
I never kept a diary.
But I think I have times when I suddenly getstrict.
Maybe it's the season changing, spring or fall.
I don't know.
Sometimes time passed really fast.
And in those moments, I feel like I have topersonalize.
Not like acting or anything.
But time just disappears.
Maybe I don't have much room in my head at thosetimes.
Someone once told me that enduring hurt is thenormal strong part of humans.
When I'm in a stable state, pushing myself alittle is just right.
Not relying on religion.
I think that's true for me.
But later, I regret it.
I think maybe I was being lazy during that time.
But then I realized.
Now I've been struggling way.
Struggling way.
More recently.
Next topic.
I used to write plot or script.
But for some reason, now I just talk freely.
It's easier to talk that way.
12:02
I doubt if I've failed before.
And when I study English,
I think about how even Japanese people don't talklike textbooks.
Everyone breaks grammar rules.
And that's where personality comes out.
Japanese people don't care about grammar.
It always breaks.
But when foreigners break grammar,
It's different.
They can still communicate because they know howto use the language.
These past few weeks,
I realized how much I break grammar myself.
I knew it, but I didn't think about it seriously.
I have some language ability.
So I can talk in my own style.
Even if my grammar is weird or I'm different fromothers,
I really want to communicate clearly.
So I care about that.
But recently, I noticed I was changing grammar toomuch in my own way.
I wasn't ignoring communication.
But I started worrying if people really understoodme.
I thought my way of talking was more logical andeasier to understand.
Maybe I went beyond normal Japanese rules.
Maybe I was just breaking rules.
About yesterday, NBA players,
I checked why NBA all-star players were sorelaxed.
People online said the same thing.
But it seems they weren't actually slacking.
I was surprised.
They don't wanna get injured.
That makes sense.
Getting hurt in a show game is stupid.
Japanese people don't get that.
They think giving is everything.
Put your soul into one pitch.
But if you do that, you can...
15:00
You can throw the next pitch.
Marathon runners know they can't run full powerfor 42 kilometers.
It's impossible.
But people still do unnecessary full power stuffin high school baseball.
You don't need to run outside the game.
Maybe to keep the game moving, but not that much.
If a team becomes too rational,
Maybe I'll get annoyed, but still.
There's no point in getting injured for nothing.
There was a ski jumper who didn't practice at allbefore big competition.
Kasai.
I think that's right.
Practice gives energy.
It depends on the person.
Though baseball players hit a lot before games,
I think that's right.
Swings are enough.
Baseball doesn't use much stamina,
But heavy parts still take energy.
Next topic about idols.
Or maybe not idols.
I saw Nogizaka girls making takoyaki with her mom.
She feels the form strange.
I thought she eats a lot.
But they were all sausages, not octopus.
Takoyaki can have cheese or chocolate,
But all sausages.
I talked about it with my parents.
I wondered if it tastes good.
Octopus is expensive, though.
Next, if I had a sister, a wife or a girlfriend,
I imagine being close with my sister and making mywife jealous.
I wonder if that's creepy.
But I imagine it anyway.
I'm not happy when I imagine it.
But I think if that happens, I'll be really happy.
I don't think many people imagine that.
18:01
Some adults still have the kinder closeness withsiblings.
Some take bath together.
Nogizaka members also play around like that.
They take photos and the wife gets jealous.
Some people have the kinder kink I heard about theguy who gives his wife.
Tempting to drink and let another man come.
But that's a different thing.
I imagine many things.
In high school, a friend danced on the stairs.
Not imagination.
That rarely happened.
I imagine what would happen if I went to a danceschool.
I wanted to dance.
My relative is a pro dancer and teaches at astudio.
I imagine being taught there and saying loudly,
I can do that.
I can do this.
My friends talked about anime.
Maybe Naruto or something from Jump.
I couldn't join the conversation.
There were too many anime and drama I didn't know.
The only one I liked was Dragon Ball.
I watched Conan, too.
Before baseball practice in third grade,
In fourth grade, I didn't have time anymore.
I watched Conan in high school, too.
Since kindergarten, everyone else watched Pokemon.
Kids in the neighborhood, too.
I saw my kindergarten notebook.
The one between parents and teachers.
It said I didn't fit with other kids.
I said, I'm fine alone.
Pokemon started around that time.
Well, that gives away my age.
Maybe not that year.
21:02
In kindergarten, it wasn't Dragon Ball.
In elementary school, Pokemon had already started.
Everyone talked about Pokemon.
Our one piece came later.
In middle and high school, it was Naruto andstuff.
I couldn't join those conversations.
With boys or girls, even with my best friend'sanime,
Talk with them didn't match.
At bookstores, my friend read manga,
And I just followed.
The anime I watched as a kid wasn't Spy Family
Or Dragon Slayer or One Piece.
Not Astro Boy or Tetsujin 28
Or Yamato Izu.
Not that old.
More like Naruto generation.
I liked stand-up when I was in elementary school.
In kindergarten, too.
But I hate people who try to stand out with nosense.
It's cute if you are a kid, but I don't like it.
When I talk on my podcast, ideas pop up one afteranother.
Like if I say this.
It's pretty funny.
When I watch Nogizaka Lives,
I imagine myself saying something to the captain.
Sorry I have something to say.
I've been here for five years.
The members helped me.
At first, I had no fans.
But later, I tried my best.
I saw many things in these five years.
Now, I finally made a new decision.
This timing is important for me.
There are things only idols can see.
I'm thankful.
I have an important announcement.
Our group won the record twice.
I have no regret.
But I want to win it one more time.
Please support me.
Everyone would think I'm graduating.
And go.
Then I'd say.
Thank you for everything, yes.
I imagine stuff like that a lot.
There was actually an idol who did something likethat.
24:03
I was moved.
I thought, finally, one did it.
I always hold myself back on the podcast.
If I had done a podcast at 20, it would be crazy.
Even a religious person's mood wasn't like that.
In club activities, I did various boot camps forintroductions.
But it wasn't enough.
So I imagined a hungry warrior coming out.
I imagined many times.
It would be fun if I did this.
Or if I wore this.
In school play, too.
I tried to stand out.
I couldn't do it like the practice.
I got too excited.
When I talk to my parents, I tell them.
I'm controlling myself a lot.
One time, I saw a host of my idol show.
And said, she's cute.
My parents said, she's not an idol.
Stuff like that happened.
There was a celebrity who ran backward.
When the staring gun went off at the sports day.
I don't think like that.
It's not the same as trying to stand out.
I have my one thing.
If people think I'm trying to stand out, it'sover.
Recently, I've been thinking.
I feel closer to Americans sometimes.
But Americans have many types, too.
Maybe Japanese people fit me more.
In the end, I feel like a lion.
But when I think about my short name.
I feel closer to Americans.
My personality is a problem.
But people over there feel more similar.
My ALT teacher was wild.
Everyone laughed.
That felt closer to me.
The furthest type is a super serious type.
27:00
I can't connect with them.
My grandpa was like that.
Back to the topic.
When I was a kid, my mouth generation watched TV.
Astro Boy, Tetsujin 28, Yamato Ashita no Joe.
But when I look at the anime from my childhood.
I don't know them well.
This morning, I talked with my parents.
Like I said yesterday.
I was a French chef.
I trained for 20 years at Mikuni Place.
A place that could get 2 or 3 Michelin stars.
And now, you have to follow the state of the ramenshop in Mashikei.
I felt bad for him.
It's not food.
It's not French food.
It's a countryside ramen taste.
He had to follow it exactly.
I felt sorry for him.
I wondered what Germans think of Japanese sausage.
I checked and some say Japanese ones taste betterthan the real ones.
And some say Japanese chocolate from big companiestaste better than French pâtissier chocolates.
I remember hearing that on NHK around noon.
When I became hikomori.
I used to listen to radio at night.
Then I couldn't.
Now I can again about OCD.
I don't know if it got worse than better.
Or if it's not that simple.
There was a Nogizaka girl who said that she lovedsomeone so much.
It made her sick.
I don't know her real feelings.
But maybe life is like plus and minus.
The competition is crazy.
It's like a miracle.
30:01
People say you shouldn't make a hobby your job.
But that's nonsense.
Of course.
It's better to work on something you love.
But sometimes people succeed at things they hate.
I hear that a lot.
I talked about OCD before.
At body casting.
There was someone who couldn't poop.
Unless they were completely naked.
I can't understand those feelings at all.
So I realized I can't understand every OCD person.
If it would be nice.
If we could understand each other.
Some people can eat rice.
Eat rice balls.
Made by others.
But cooking is the same.
Rice balls are even safer.
Because people wash their hands.
Low meat not cooked enough.
It's way worse.
Especially pork.
Or cutting sashimi after touching a phone.
I saw that on YouTube.
Or touching grasses and hair.
Then cutting vegetables.
That's way worse.
It's all the same.
Yesterday I had a dream about my dad.
I have anger but I also miss him.
I imagine meeting him.
I imagine reading an English book together.
I imagine studying English now.
Next, the food corner.
The night before yesterday.
I had tonkatsu with egg.
Like the top of the okonomiyaki.
Oyakodon.
Last night I had salmon pickled cabbage.
Pork from sukiyaki and tamagoyaki.
Maybe left over.
My parents seems worried about expiration date.
So we have curry and stew a lot.
33:05
The stew smells really sweet.
Last year around this time.
I ate stew and felt frustrated.
Now I eat more like hospital food.
I'm strict with myself.
That's it. Thanks for listening.
Next, I wanna talk about the first thing.
It's sudden but it's about tofu.
I talk about it again later.
But I'm really picky.
But I finally decide to stick with one cheap tofu.
I don't know what kind of decision that is.
But sometimes I can buy it.
When that happens.
I buy Seiko malt tofu or more expensive one.
And this time too.
I bought a different one and then I startedworrying again.
Today I checked the price again.
I don't know how many times today.
Maybe 8 times.
I couldn't get the right answer about the priceagain.
It's the tofu I always check.
And when I finally calculate it.
I realize it was pretty expensive.
I'm weak with change this small difference.
Like the texture or the usual pattern.
They make things complicated for me.
Even with Seiko malt tofu.
It depends on how much cheaper it is.
I thought maybe sometimes it's ok to buy expensivetofu.
But I got frustrated again.
Because it wasn't cheaper this time.
So I stopped that idea.
So now I eat the same soybeans and tofu everyday.
Blue soybeans are coming soon.
But I kept canceling and reordering.
Finally I ended up.
And I ended to order them this time.
36:04
Next topic.
My parent kept the stove on for a long time.
She said she needed to stay downstairs all day.
But she was just being lazy.
Just being lazy.
She can't even keep promise.
I made a rule this year.
Not to say anything.
But I wanted to say.
How long are you going to keep the stove on?
You don't have the right to relax like that.
Before she went upstairs.
I went upstairs.
Today I checked something again.
Something strange happened again.
In Hokkaido the three famous sushi chains are.
Toriton, Nemuro, Anamaru and Nagoyakate.
When I checked Nagoyakate before.
When I checked Nagoyakate before.
I thought it was cheap.
But today when I checked again.
It was more expensive than Toriton.
I don't know what's that article I saw.
Before was.
It's strange.
After the funeral the other day.
My relative from my mom.
Gathered.
My uncle said.
There's a good place nearby.
I'll show you.
But the place he took us to was.
Just a normal.
Chain restaurant.
Normal prices he didn't.
Even pay for us.
He said.
It's so proudly.
I'll take you to good place.
But it was just a chain restaurant.
If Nagoyakate is really that good.
And we all gathered after a long time.
We should have gone there.
If there was a cheap local sushi place.
We should have gone there too.
Hokkaido is famous for seafood.
And Toriton is actually good.
These three are good.
Forgot the details.
But I remember.
Something was strange.
39:02
Why would we go to.
Nationwide chain restaurant.
When we live in Hokkaido.
If you can enjoy.
Advantage of living here.
Why not do that.
In Nagoyakate.
It really has.
High quality stuff.
It's even stranger.
My dad called today.
He met my parent.
And I asked without thinking.
Did someone die again.
I don't know why.
I said that's so fast.
Fast.
But in this religion.
Funerals happen a lot.
And plans change.
So it came out.
Automatically.
I was talking about tofu.
With my parents today.
Since there was only one left.
Of the usual tofu.
But I was.
I saw.
I saw.
I saw them.
Put it out.
Put it out.
Normally.
So I said.
Not this.
One is still there.
Then she said.
That's for tomorrow.
When someone talks like that.
There are two possible.
Way to.
Understand it.
If they don't say it clearly.
The listener might.
Take it the wrong way.
They don't imagine that.
I don't know why.
It makes me so angry.
Maybe it's some instinct.
Maybe it's about.
Leaving the right message.
Behind.
I don't know.
But I'm sure.
There's a reason I get angry.
People don't.
Get angry.
For no reason.
It would be stupid.
To get angry at the parent.
For nothing.
And emotionally.
If I say something.
100 or 200.
Times.
And it never changes.
Of course I get angry.
But I hate people who.
Talk about.
About their parent.
There's something else.
I wanted to talk about.
But I wasn't sure.
42:01
Sure if I should.
I don't have.
Confidence in my podcast.
I'm thankful people listen.
But.
If I had a crown.
On myself.
I think I would listen to it.
Not because.
I'm confident.
But because.
I'd be curious.
I wrote some notes.
So.
I wanna talk about them.
Recently.
I talk in a free.
Casual way.
But this is a bit.
Philosophical.
I can't understand.
People who say.
This is my brief.
With confidence.
Like a.
Life philosophy.
I can't understand.
People who say.
It's so strongly.
If someone says.
I kinda think this way.
Because I have to.
Choose a way to live.
I understand that.
But people say.
This is my brief.
Like it's absolute.
But.
They know it's relative.
I think people shouldn't.
Speak confidently.
Unless their idea is.
Unchanging.
But many people.
Speak confidently.
About their relative belief.
They say.
This is my way.
Of thinking.
I'm right.
If it's relative.
The right way to say.
It is.
I'm more like this type of.
Thinker.
Not I'm absolutely.
Right.
People who say.
No matter what.
Anyone says.
This is right.
Actually more.
Trust worthy.
Worthy.
Because.
At least.
They know they are talking.
About something absolute.
If it's not.
Unchanging.
They think.
This is my belief.
Doesn't mean much.
It just means.
All that's your style.
I don't think.
Anything.
Is absolute now.
So I don't talk.
Like that.
But if someone says.
This is my belief.
Then it should have.
Some stability.
That's why.
I don't like.
When people say their belief.
45:02
Confidently.
Even though they know.
It's relative.
It's better to say.
This way of thinking.
Fit me.
If something is absolute.
Then you can say.
It's with confidence.
But most things won't.
Next topic.
Sometimes time passed away.
Faster than.
I think.
This morning too.
I looked at the clock.
And felt shocked.
Not just shocked.
Almost scared.
Then I start.
Thinking.
What was I doing?
Did I waste time?
I think about it.
A lot.
But thinking back.
Doesn't mean much.
People forget.
Almost everything.
Even things.
From a few minutes ago.
We live freely.
In the moment.
So if someone lives lazily.
That's just how.
Humans are.
You have to accept it.
If someone says.
Why did I waste time?
Well.
They had a reason at that moment.
Humans change with.
Emotion.
Athletes too.
They regret something.
Long for years ago.
But thinking.
About it.
Now doesn't help.
Do you know HSP?
I forgot the second word.
But when I took the test.
It matched perfectly.
But people say.
It's.
Similar.
To developmental disorders.
Some say.
It's not a disorder.
It's confusing.
I hate confusing things.
Do I have both?
Or.
Is it just HSP?
Or is it not HSP?
Because.
It looks like.
Developmental disorder.
Thinking about.
It is.
Pointless.
More than 10 years ago.
When I first learned about.
Developmental disorders.
I suffered a lot.
But I already understood.
That ADHD.
And.
Asperger's.
On a spectrum.
There is no clear line.
Doctors.
48:00
Wanna.
Diagnose.
Because.
They need to treat.
But you can't really say.
Which one it is.
Some people.
Explain strictly.
HSP and.
Developmental disorders are different.
OCD and.
Asperger's looks.
Similar.
But different.
But honestly.
Who cares.
Depression being a.
Secondary disorder.
Made me the most.
Angry.
Why not just say.
Depression is part of developmental disorder.
People with.
Developmental disorders.
Often get depressed.
That's normal.
It makes me angry.
They say depression can be.
Cured.
Developmental disorder can't so.
Let's cure.
That depression.
But depression is part.
It's part.
Of the trait.
Even if you.
Cure it.
It comes back.
If I cure depression.
I get OCD.
It makes me angry.
Calling it.
Secondary disorder.
Is wrong.
Today I talked about tofu again.
I asked the price of the one.
We bought.
But they checked.
The other one too.
I already checked them.
Time passed so much.
They know they are doing that.
But they still do it.
I don't know why.
It's so confusing.
I feel sorry for wasting time.
They don't care.
But I want them to.
Care a little.
I know it's strange.
But I still do it.
It's a problem.
I didn't understand.
Something earlier.
There is that.
Cup ramen.
Nogizaka does.
Commercial for cup something.
It shows up.
Sapporo Ichiban.
I thought it was.
Sapporo company.
Then I saw.
Sanyo food.
So I doubt.
Maybe Sapporo Ichiban is.
Her brand.
And Sanyo food.
I checked it.
My parents said.
51:00
Sapporo Ichiban is.
Sapporo company.
But nothing read.
Said that.
I was only checking.
Which company.
Owns which.
There was nothing.
I don't know.
How they.
Got that idea.
Next topic.
Sometimes I think.
I'm a terrible person.
Who doesn't.
Wish for.
Other people's happiness.
But HHP is.
The opposite.
I feel other people's.
Pain too strongly.
The psych.
Psychopath.
I don't feel anything.
I'm too.
Sensitive.
When someone is suffering.
I feel it way too.
Too much.
But maybe because.
I'm sensitive.
I become sensitive in other's way.
It's complicated.
Even small thing.
Bothers me during meals.
My parents forgot.
The medicine.
Or put it.
Somewhere else.
It wasn't in my view.
So I kept checking.
I'm medicine.
It's medicine.
So I wanted to make sure.
It was ok.
It was far away.
But still.
And today too.
My parents reacted strongly.
When I just asked the question.
My mom thought.
I was denying her.
But I was just asking.
She said.
No it's like this right.
But I was only asking.
I understand the feeling.
But sometimes you can't tell from.
One sentence.
You need to say.
Thing in a way.
That avoids.
Misunderstanding.
She doesn't get that.
I remembered.
Something while studying philosophy.
People say.
Don't think too much.
Just act.
But I always wondered.
Where is the line.
Between thinking and.
And acting.
In moving your body.
The only action.
I used to think.
In a.
Buddhist way.
If I keep.
Moving and never stop.
Maybe I don't have.
Enough.
Reflection.
Or I thought.
It was important to.
Always have a new goal.
Even if I fail.
Programmatism.
54:00
Saying.
Appears only when.
You act.
Maybe I lived.
Like that before.
It's interesting.
People who think.
Life has no meaning.
There are different types.
Nihilism.
Say.
Life has no meaning.
Absurdism.
Say.
Life has no meaning.
But you still live and resist.
Like saying.
I think life is meaningless.
But I'll live anyway.
That's exactly.
The attitude.
I always talk about.
Exist.
Existing.
Existing.
Theories say meaning.
It's something you.
Create.
Stoicism say meaning.
Doesn't matter.
That one doesn't fit me.
Buddhist.
Emptiness says.
Nothing has a fixed meaning.
There's no solid.
Thing.
It's just a moment you are looking at.
There's no fixed meaning.
Behind it.
Nietzsche understood.
Buddhism well.
Western and.
Eastern.
Philosophy.
Connect sometimes.
Even about time.
Japan used to.
Have the idea.
That time.
Flows.
From the future to the past.
I imagine something again.
Nogizaka.
Member.
Praising another member.
Girls.
Schools have many thing.
Going on.
If you can't data.
Maybe thing.
Happen inside the group.
Some people.
PV creators have.
Sudden taste too.
I imagine.
A member think.
I've used.
Every method to research.
This girl.
I even did.
Illegal things.
And the other girl get scared.
I imagine weird thing like that.
I checked.
Popular games by age group.
I was surprised.
I played game.
In elementary school.
But I didn't.
Play any.
Of top 30.
Or 35.
No.
No wonder I didn't fitting.
Everyone talked about.
Those games.
Not just.
Anime and game too.
