00:02
Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 50 years. No commute, no bus. Still somehowfree, equipped with problem. Parent of my friendout of stock. So this show is just daily life.Long, long term HIKIKOMORI mode.
Slow is fine. Stopping is fine. Just move forward.HIKIKOMORI still standing. This is just a podcast.
I'm gonna talk about what happened this morning.Morning again.
Something strange happened. The nail clippers, Ialways keep them open. Ready to use, but for somereason, they were closed. This happened beforetoo.
For some reason, my razor was upside down. So Itold my mom, asking if my dad touched it bymistake. She said, absolutely not, but there's achance he touched something he definitely shouldn't have.
I don't know why, but the razor was like that. Andactually, it looks like I didn't touch theelectric shaver.
At home, there are enemies, a lot of enemies.There are only two people, but there are nofriends at home. Even if I think they are myallies, they suddenly show their true colors. Theysuddenly betray me.
I wonder how many people in the world feelbetrayed like this. I don't think many do. Ireally feel truly betrayed.
For example, the last complaint about religion,the complaint about the religious picture later. Isubmitted it the first time, but for the secondtime, for some reason, she said not to submit it.
Also, she always makes the talk complicated. So Isaid, please don't make the same mistake again andreflect on it. But next time, she said exactly themistake again and reflect on it.
03:21
But next time, she said exactly the same thingagain and talk the same way. When I said you weremaking the same mistake again, she said this timeis different. When I said, did you say you'dreflect last time, she went silent.
At this utter situation where I feel betrayed likethis, also the show name, I started worrying aboutthe name again.
In the future, when I'm hospitalized for someillness, saying hikikomori will be wrong. Eventhough I'm cut off from society, I'll meet doctorsand staff when I say it.
In that sense, maybe it's in the category of wrongness. I realized hikikomori isn't the essence ofthe show, but there's no essence. Anyway, Ifinally found a good common word worldwide.
Hikikomori and Japanese people understand the showname too. But when I find something good likethis, maybe I have a fear of happiness and I endup throwing it all away.
But I don't know if fear or happiness is thereason. And that's the painful part. Back to thenail clippers, if they're back to how they werebefore, then everything is back like before.
I'm getting scared. I'm doing the exact same thingas when I told my parents that a sponge at thewashstand should go back there. I'm scared becauseI shouldn't unconsciously do that.
But maybe I fixed it myself. I cut my two nailsand it was different from usual. If so, the razorthing from over 10 years ago might have been metoo.
As I said earlier, it's six thousand and somethingdays. Now I don't know what day number it is. It'scloudy. I thought about naming it Sting and Deathand Japan.
06:03
But in the troubling life, it's actually differentfrom birth since I started sensing things. Maybeeven from when I was in my mom's belly. I thinkthere's something there. I don't know. Maybe it'smy past life. My right arm is my past life in bed.
My left arm is a heater. My feet are my past life.My hair is my past life with a mop. My nails aredumbbells.
But English speaking countries have panicked too.Apparently, it's hard since the blog days. SEOstuff, algorithm stuff, too hard marketing.
I don't get it at all right now. It's not forprofit, but I wanna reach as many people aspossible. I think writing I hate Japanese peoplein English might work, but then fewer Japanesepeople will see it and they won't know what kindof show it is.
Honestly, I do hate Japan, but writing that mightbe a bad idea. What if someone with strong patriotic feeling see it? But maybe some people willrelate.
I have many traits. I'm a hikomori. I havedevelopmental issues. I have a serious illness. I'm an extreme nihilist. I'm a star shooting. Butwhen I try to put that in the show name, I can'tthink of anything.
This is about yesterday. I forgot to talk aboutyesterday. This is something I've been talkingabout with my parents. They're the Nogizakamember. And I say she was cute in the early days,but my parents say she's changed little by little.
I don't know why. Maybe they think looks grow. Butthey always say that. This person became morebeautiful. I don't know what their attitude is.
Same this time yesterday. I showed them thegraduation circle. They said horror. What's horrorabout that? Looking back now, they were probablymad because I'm stubborn. What's horror aboutthat?
09:07
I showed them the graduation circle. They saw itbut said it's normal. It's a middle school levelmental age. Suddenly saying it's normal. I didn'ttake it. I'm ashamed as a son.
When someone's mental age is this young, I reallydon't want to talk to her. If not her, then myconversation.
Parents are the long-haired woman in my room from10 years ago and the old man in the bra there.That's a joke. But I have no one to talk to. Rightnow, it's a daydream.
Today, while listening to music, I thoughtJapanese musicians of course there are British andAmerican want to, but I think many are influencedby and aspire to American musicians.
So if possible, they want to debut in America andbe recognized there. But I think it's possiblebecause they are Asian and they don't know how topromote anyway.
Probably they wander in the big wide sea. So it'simpossible. Basically, I know lyrics of people whofailed trying to debut in America.
Boy and Megwin said they took American audition.Maybe I forgot but rather than holding suchdreams, they are 100% going all out in Japan. Ithink they really wanna do it in America.
All musicians definitely admire American artists.They must like them. But if those feelings nevercome out, if they can forget those feelings, thatmeans they know life doesn't change that much.
Like if I live 5 more years or have 10 days leftor 10 years, it doesn't change that much. I thinkthey know that deep down. And I forgot a bit.
Let's go to the next topic. Watching TV, I realizethere are all kind of people, even among sameJapanese people, same generation. Some likefortune telling. There are people who like it andliving according to that. I can't believe it.
12:15
I really can't believe it. But with all thesedifferences, I don't belong anywhere. And thesedifferences are misalignment, difference from untruth misalignment. Or maybe it's a difference. Idon't get it.
Is it like the difference between 2D and 3Dcompared to the others? Also with fortune telling,they say don't push too hard this year and livingaccording to that. I wonder is that really okay?What a pitiful life.
But if you believe or don't believe fortunetelling, humans are brainwashed that way. Sincebirth, we pick up values, not that it's bad. Welive that way. So believing fortune telling feelslike a pitiful life but no whether we believe itor not.
Humans are all brainwashed that way. Or in otherwords, feeling like we are living our own limit. Italk before action doesn't happen becauseconsciousness work, action comes first. I talkabout the order being revered same way.
Life isn't all about us being in change. Ratherthan who's in change, being in charge is itself anillusion. Being able to live with control is justan illusion in self-help books.
Let's go to the next topic. When eating tofu, Ididn't notice but I rarely eat the portion samebig but I don't drain water much. So of course it's big. Also I recorded an English talk in themorning on podcast and that was a failure or acalculation mistake.
Sometimes I make crazy calculation errors. Whydidn't I know this? I feel stupid.
Next topic. A friend haven't seen their bestfriend since old age and this is a pretty prettybad story. I became a hikomori so no one tell methey can't meet but they stopped meeting withoutsaying anything. But that's pretty rough.
15:06
Now I'm getting sad. This is impossible. Can'thelp it. There's no way to fix it. But since ithappened, can't help it. Japan has the most hikomori.
Next is Korea that Italy and majoristic countriesbecome homeless like America and UK. That'spainful too. I think a lot. Am I just beingspoiled? Could I have lived in society if I triedharder?
But if I tried harder, I'd probably have ended mylife quickly or try to pass post so it's not aright answer. I don't know about this. When I gotCOVID, I thought life is unpredictable.
And when I found out I have a serious illness.Well, either way, I died from developmentalissues. Finding out I have developmental issues orgetting worse from some illness. Stress from workmade it worse or well, I was bad even at home so Icouldn't work. Probably same dream anyway.
Next topic. Today I watched an MV and thought Ican't understand video work or art like whatexpression is used here. Or in this scene, theyare expressing some human emotion movement.
I can't understand because explained, I'd get it.But if not explained, I probably wouldn't... I don't get why they do that.
And I can't understand what viewers feel at all.Searching for meaning, maybe watching like a game.Not really. You can see it as art.
And I realize. Recently I was making cover art. Ihave no talent for video work or art. Probably noability to appreciate. I knew that before. Notthat I can't understand. I thought I couldn'tunderstand art people.
But rather I just don't have the ability toappreciate. Meaning not different in thinking orlifestyle. I just have no ability to appreciate.So I couldn't understand. I realize I couldn'tunderstand those art people. I don't think I'llget empathy.
18:02
But I also realize one more thing. Only musicamong artists somehow working. Somehow I get it. Abit I knew this before but I didn't think the gapwould be this big.
Next topic. Oh by the way. Talks like these aren'tdevelopmental disorder books either. Who am I?Saying this won't help. But I tried talking. Todaywatching videos, I was nostalgic middle schoolday. When strength training, muscles grow.
I couldn't do pull ups before but then I could domany. Lift my whole body with both hands. But if Ihad two for that, I should have memorized even oneEnglish word or formula. But back then that washappy.
Also the evening felt nostalgic and somehow dulling student days. Around there were fun times too.And I remember one more thing. Today I saw a videoof someone holding a bag on their hand. And theydidn't make eye contact at all.
Indeed, in animal interaction videos, I rarely seeeye contact. Their vision goes somewhere else faraway. Animals only make eye contact when treatingor being cautious.
Does that mean only humans make eye contact? I don't know where from start making eye contact. Maybemillions of years ago. Do monkeys do it? Nomonkeys don't.
Stereopatia can't make eye contact. Apparently it's common knowledge in this circle. Even I,American Joke, saw from earlier talk is theproblem human part or animal part. Probably humanpart.
But some source says making eye contact isinstinctive. But other animals are different. Ifit's instinctive, it should be shared with otheranimals. I don't get it.
In the human world, not making eye contact iswrong. But weird misalignment. Now thinking aboutthe show, about the our past, I don't know howmuch hikikomori is known overseas. But certain,maybe only a few percent in America, maybe lessthan 5 percent know it.
21:17
If so, what then? I'll have to change show nameagain. Even though I doubt hikikomori is a closecommon word good show name. But I found good idea.Real puzzle pieces fit well. And then I feelfrustrated or uneasy. I don't know why.
When things go well, I feel uneasy. Even if thingsdon't go well, I think I'm unlucky. What's thispsychology? Probably in my life. Things went welland then bad things happened after. That happeneda lot.
When things went well, trouble, treatment, waitedfor after. Now it's night. I'm recording at night.I remembered what you talk about. Let's talk. Idon't know if you emphasize watching TV. People ina group look similar. For example, idol groups.This group has this personality. Everyone hastheir own personality.
Maybe the audition guidelines picked this type,but when they gather this type, others conform. Iheard this in older animals or creatures too.
So, these idols might act totally different inother groups. Thinking about that today. Also,depending on the group they enter, if they are atthe front, they become super positive.
Dominance comes at. Terrible attitude appear like.Oldest sibling feels they must be responsible.Maybe that's it. This is visible too. Oldest isresponsible. But moving to Tokyo away from familyand personality change totally. Heard this a lot.Also personality change depending on group.
So, people say which is a real me. Family me orschool me. Humans change personality depending onwhere they belong. Conversely, personality istotally decided by genes. Essential part by genes.
24:00
You can imagine if not. That person has noindividuality. Conversely, not decided only bygenes. Genes aren't overthinking. Changeable partare many. Humans can change a lot.
From earlier talk, personality change completelydepending on group in a big problem. Maybe infuture, creep chip in human brain makes totallydifferent person. Possible, but that's anothertalk. Currently not like that. For that person, it's a problem.
It's really surface level. Living and changingmeans. It's surface mean when think someone notsure if surface but really once human personalitydoesn't change. Even if you try.
Next dinner talk. Yesterday night boiled for thefirst time lamb meat nerve quality different fromwhat people imagine. I'm not sure if I ate it butthere's hot pot shabu-shabu too. My house ate ittoo.
Yesterday was simmered one but didn't notice bigdifference. Cabbage maybe yesterday. Today isChinese cabbage and pork but today didn't havemuch human nerve quality taste.
Yesterday was carrot, tomato. Even with carrotdoesn't change much. Standard is carrot, tomato,apple, garlic and onion. Garlic was strong. TodayI was doubt maybe okonomiyaki at first. Chickenwhat was that?
Chicken fried coated fried again with maybe mayoand sauce. Not mayo level lower level but I likemayo. But round mayo has trans fat so avoid it asmuch as possible. But I like it.
Scary food mayo yesterday left over the pork Isaid earlier. Shabu-shabu pork maybe. Does it havegreen veggies? But I rarely know noise duringmeals rather than concentrating on taste.
My attention goes to am I really savoring it thenI can't savor. Once I feel in my heart next bite Ican't savor well. Some weird belief or habitstuck. Weird belief like after doing this I alwaysfail.
27:13
But if I don't fail I get scared next failuremight be bigger. Recently even watching videosturning off podcast I only feel frustratingthinking too much. Can't concentrate watching Ishouldn't get this habit because then I feel nomeaning at all.
Have to contrive a lot even though I don't feelmeaning in life. Trying hard to kill time. Need towork variously recording at night now.
Push hand in pants again and scratched. Washedhand went to toilet. New recording after the futoncover event last night. I always wash hand atnight. Forgot to talk earlier. Friend friend maybenot.
I didn't like the cram school person. But thatfriend wanted to play together. So I played withthem. Cram school teachers too. Why did that bestfriend wonder why be friend with this person?There were a few. Maybe two. Maybe one. No two.
Basketball club that guy and another one. Wonderwhy. Started thinking maybe I'm that kind too. Ifbest friend is kind I'd understand but not thateither. Don't get it.
Why not now thinking about show name. It's hard.Show name written in English. It's taken as justEnglish talk show. Japanese won't listen. Alsowords that hit both overseas and Japanese peopleknow mostly American listening.
60% American from start to why. Whatever so needswords that hit American and Japanese. Becomes worklooking at mind trait. Decided once. That errormessage tired but doubt came up. Still wannainclude Japan word. Think that's my only strength.I have many trait wrote out.
Rivals think being Japanese is my only strength.But even metered English speakers can communicateif metered understand and listen. Being Japanese.But there are fluent Japanese people doing podcastart. Don't know why. I doubt Japanese word givessafety.
30:21
Now at that stage. Parents said they went to Sukiya after religion. Ate curry. Looked at Sukiyamenu. Felt like I had a Kasabuya. Kasabura. Sukiyashould have more menu than other beef bowl shoplike said meal shop but when I saw wasn't likethat.
Yoshinoya or Matsuya probably have more. AlsoEnglish study. Today I studied a lot. Thought itwas hard but looking back not hard at all. Tonightrecording at 12. Again weird fantasy.
Someone in studio said at start when people celebrate serious at first. Troubled person causescandal. I doubt troubled person still thinktroubled person but could show and clear from atthis live.
Thinking I wanna make them happy. Recentlythinking this a lot. Actually this person exist. Ithink if I were them I'd say this. Thinking Iwanna make they happy. Also show name andexplanation.
Couple has many I can use. When posting to spendmuch time. Thinking but can't use all. Unlikeartist people entering competitions are meetingmany ideas. Refining these feel like waste.
Returning area going to toilet outside. Eventhough no one there played sound came. Hope isdream. Sometimes this happened. Podcast namefinally. New sound when researching Japan.Researching minimalist Steve Jobs too. Influencedby Zen and Japanese themes.
Pursued simple things and I ended up. Lunch isalways tofu. Thinking why did it become this.Forget but hate changing every time. Not gettingsick. Good for health. I realized I'm living minimally. Of course action range is narrow. No habits.Things decided. Food decided.
33:03
Breakfast similar. Interest. Talking with parentpatterned. Decided so could he. Show name. Frustrating samurai too. Mentally similar. Alsofrustrating.
