00:06
Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 15 years. No commute, no boss, and stillsomehow fully equipped with problems.
Parent offline, friends out of stock. So this showis just daily life from long-term Hikikomori mood.
In the world of people with learning difference,people often say that someone might not get alongwith others in general, but they do get along withanime fans. For me, it's not that.
I don't get along with people like that either.And I also don't seem to click with people who arethe opposite type. I just don't fit into anygroup.
I really think I'm hopeless care when it comes tothat. I really do. No matter what club I joined,it never worked out. And that's actually whathappened. Some goads for friendship.
Okay, next topic. There are people calledexception people. People who say I'm a specialcase to justify their own actions, even though mylife is full of things that could be calledexceptions.
I don't try not to use that to justify anything. Idoubt some people are really something also today.For some reason, my stomach muscle are sore.
I was thinking about what I did yesterday. I cutmy toenails, and I think it's probably because Iwas holding my foot up in the air for a bit. That's all it was. Also, lately, recordings of Englishepisodes, putting them out.
My head has been so full of that. And I'mrecording these Japanese episodes in between,figuring out the timing and all that. But today,things didn't go as planned yet.
And there's also the timing of moving right to thecomputer. And I'm trying to pull out more a dayright now. So it's really tricky and a lot ofwork.
03:15
Also about the future. I don't think travelingaround is really like me. But still, no matterwhich path I take in the future, I'll probably runaway from wherever I am and when that happens.
I'll have no choice but to look for the easieroption. But still, at least until I'm past 60.
Well, even after 60, like I talked about before,pushing myself to some degree during the day iswhat keeps you mentally okay.
What it means to be a normal person. So thinkerhave said the same thing. So maybe I shouldn't trytoo hard to take it easy.
Well, I'll probably be strict with myself untilthe day I die.
So the rough morning came from what I talked aboutearlier. My parents having fallen asleep hunchedover, not admitting it or rather, not acceptingit, trying to justify it, and also not being ableto record the English session in the morning.
And in the afternoon, the podcast staff not likethat either.
And thinking about Spanish and other languages andalso trying to study something with a specificgoal in mind just doesn't work for me at all.
But after that, even with no real purpose, justbecause it was something pointless, I was able tofollow my curiosity and look into it.
Before, I never would doubt about studyingsomething that's pointless. But because it was socompletely meaningless, I was able to look into itwithout feeling any pressure.
And that's how it is now. Actually, totallypointless things are easier to look up.
On the other hand, when I try to find meaning insomething, I start wondering whether it's reallyworth my time.
06:11
Yeah, I was thinking about that. Like when I tryto study classical music, but there's nothing totalk about on the podcast outside of the mealsection.
And also, I looked into various things aboutWordPress for the blog, and I can rarely talkabout Nogizaka on there.
And there were things I knew a lot about work-wisethat I thought would be good to share, but I'mkinda forgetting them now.
Those were the kind of things on my mind. Also,today I was watching WBC, and also today I wasthinking I wish I had done more of what I wantedto do when I was in school.
Especially in high school, when I had time, likewhat if I had started hip-hop dance? This is justa daydream. What if I had started hip-hop dance orballroom dancing?
And kept it up. Maybe I could have gotten a job ata dance school. That's the kind of daydream I washaving.
And I was also thinking, since I had Brazilianrelatives, maybe Portuguese would make more sense.But honestly, I really, really wanna do Italian.
Because I love opera, that's a problem. Theproblem is my own personality. Life is short, soenjoy it. Life is only once, so do what you want.
It seems like a lot of people are sick of hearingthat kind of thing. People who don't get it.People who find it annoying. I feel the same way.
Life is only once. If you think about it clearly,does it mean life is short?
People say we are living in an age where you canlive to 100. But in those 100 years, there's alimit to what you can do. So saying do what youwant.
Because of that, isn't that too simple? If Ithought life happened twice, and then suddenlyfound out it only happened once.
09:05
What could I even do? Even if 20 years became 10years, I don't think it would really changeanything.
1,000 years, if you had 10 lives, and let's saygoing along with the 3 ideas of it. If you had 10lives and 1,000 years total, but then found outyou could only live to 70, what would you do?
It's a completely pointless topic. But if someonetalked to me like that, I'd actually be prettyconfused.
Like, wait, 1,000 years, shouldn't it be 100? Whydid it suddenly change to 70? What's conditionchanged? Well, it doesn't matter.
I'll keep going. I have a pretty dark view ofthings. So life is only once. That's about how I'dreact.
Whether you live it once or twice or three times,I'm not saying I believe in coming back to life oranything. It would just be the same thing.
Whether you do it twice or three times, what youdo is basically the same. It doesn't really changemuch.
You eat, you go to the bathroom, you leave somekind of mark on the world. That's about it. It'sjust the same thing repeats every day.
Basically, when it comes to what you actually doin life, I think it's all just small pieces of abigger picture.
Like when you choose your path. High school,college, work. Even if you knew you had 10 lives,knowing that wouldn't change much,
you are not going to say, I'll be a doctor nexttime. So I'll be a lawyer this time. If you aregoing to be a doctor next time, you might as welljust do it this time.
And you don't know what next time would even looklike. This is getting kind of boring to talkabout. But life is only once so what? That's abouthow I feel.
How I feel. Life is only once and from that,people often get to life is only once so have fun.I understand how they get there.
12:12
But life is only once. Doesn't that lead to somereally dumb things to say? Like you only get thisone life. So don't worry about that.
Other people think just do what you want. Isn'tthat a really dumb thing to say? The reason is theidea that you should do what you want is built onthe reason that life is only once.
For example, even a cult that believes in comingback to life again and again in the sense thatthis exact life won't happen again. This life isstill only once.
But the coming back to life thing in cult, theversion of you wouldn't exist. So they areprobably not thinking that deep when they say lifeis only once right now. I don't have much to do.
So I was looking up common experience of peoplewho grew up in a religion. The world feelsdifferent. This might seem surprising or it mightseem obvious. But I've felt this a lot.
From a young age, my view of the world was alreadya bit different. So I did feel like there was agap. But when I came across the idea of being thesecond generation in a religion, I thought maybethat makes sense why.
But the different worldview that comes from beingin that religion was probably part of it too.Also, hiding the religion from friends, even as akid, I knew people would think it was weird. Evensome teachers seemed to think it was strange.
And in high school, the baseball coach too, theydidn't understand which makes sense. We hadreligion things up on the walls and posters andnever looked at it like something was off and thatwas uncomfortable.
15:03
Are there any other examples? My close friend knewI was in a religion. Next common experience,putting the religion before things like clubs andactivities. That's definitely a common one.
And the confusion that comes from the gap betweenthe normal rules and values of the world and whatthe religion teaches. I think that's a commonexperience too. I guess the sense of right andwrong is different too.
There was no rules saying you couldn't join clubs,but friends who were also in the religion. I didn't really feel like I had it worse than them. Ipersonally didn't have much of a desire to hangout with friends anyway.
So the religion didn't cause problems in that way.But there were times when I was at a friend'shouse and got called home because my parents cameto take me to a religion event.
But missing baseball practice, it was really hardand that was tough. A friend of mine was in thesoccer club and he had a really strict coach. Sohe seemed to enjoy coming to the summer seminars.He probably just wanted a break.
There were summer seminar that's also a commonexperience in religion. It wasn't like there was aceremony every day. But on weekends, months andmonths, there was a religion gathering.
And while the rules weren't super strict on thesurface, we were made to stay overnight in thiskind of quickly thrown together place and couldn'tsleep at all. It was really rough.
Also, my parents treated people who weren't in thereligion like outsiders. Like they were on a lowerlevel. That's the kind of thinking which is whythey try to bring people in.
That's a classic religion thing. People who aren'tin the religion aren't saved. They are on a lowerlevel. We are at a higher level because we foundthis religion.
18:07
That's what gets attached to you like it's totallynormal. From your grandparent, from your parent,that's discrimination. Looking down on others.Working so hard doing volunteer work for thereligion and that's why we'll be saved. That'sjust basic human thinking.
That's how you convince yourself that you and yourgroup are better and that it's worth going throughall the trouble. Well, that's just how it is. Ican't help it. But it's better not to get involvedwith people like that.
I don't think there were cases of missing inPoland event because of it. My parent was justbusy with religion things and I just got draggedalong.
I was taken to Sapporo every month. I was that andthat was inconvenient. But my own sense of worthcame from being a part of that religion. Accordingto my parent, if I wasn't gonna be in the religionthen there was no value in my existence.
That's how it was put straight out. That's thekind of person there. I think there's no way Icould face my relatives. Also, there was sometimesin the religion who was gonna miss school.
And they said they'd spent the past year givingeverything to the religion. Honestly, thinkingabout that kind of doctor they'll turn out to be,what kind of person in the world they'll become,it's really scary.
Because they lived inside such a differentworldview. And they lived a pretty strange life. Ithink a lot of people would say their upbringingwas pretty unusual.
Families that didn't work right, being taughtstrange things, having strange values pushed onthem, not being able to do normal things. I thinkthat's a very common experience for people whogrew up in a religion.
21:10
So clubs, no studying, just being taught wildideas from a religion. No sense of what's normal.No understanding of how the world works. I thinkthere are a lot of people like that among thosewho grew up in the religion.
There wasn't anything obvious like violence frommy parents. But bullying, that's worse thanhitting, that kind of thing definitely exists inJapan too.
That's what it was like. The things you can't seeclearly are scarier than the things you can.
Being taught everything by your parents and beingtold no so many times, if you raised even thesmallest question about the religion, just askinga question out of curiosity, you'd get also done.
Your whole character would get questioned. Why doyou even think like that? They'd say, you're beingtoo logical. This and that. Also, complainingabout your religion online, well, not exactlycomplaining.
For me, it's this podcast. I talk about variousthings here. Also, looking at websites writtenabout your own religion, I think that's a commonone too.
Looking it up on YouTube, in my case, my religionis so small that there aren't really that manysites about it. But on Q&A sites, there weredefinitely people saying it's just a cult.
And there are plenty of sites like that, like Isaid before, where it's kinda nice in a way. Boththe bad things and the good things are basicallynowhere to be found online.
So a small religion like mine can kinda hide alsoa lot of events. I think that's a common religionthing too. Getting together and moving your body.And in my religion, everyone doing a dancetogether. That's what I think one point is.Something like building a strong bond together.That's also common.
24:06
Other religions have the same thing. I justlearned that. And among people who grew up in areligion, there are conflicts between firstgeneration and second generation membersstruggling with what the religion teaches you.
Well, religion naturally has things that don'tmake sense. I think that's pretty common. Also, ifyou do this religion, everything will go well. Buta lot of the families around it are actually goingthrough a really hard time. That's exactly whatour family is like.
That's very common too. Same with people aroundus. Also, the people who are really active in it,those who are doing it at a high level. It waspretty bad, honestly. They talked badly aboutothers. And the excuse for that was, well, we arehuman. We have desire. Can't help it.
There wasn't a single person there who was trulygood. Just ordinary people. Also, that thing,religion, did keep changing. That seemed to bepretty common.
On the flip side, what they've been saying for 10years doesn't change at all. The big picture staysthe same. That's common too. Yeah, I think it's acommon one.
Also, when I felt the religion, I didn't reallyhear much from my grandparent or parent. But whenI was a teenager, a senior member asked me, pleasecome. And my grandparent said that to me too.
Now, night time. Recording. Yesterday, dinner wasChinese cabbage and greens cooked with mirin andsake and pork. I usually eat a lot of chicken.
But the pork, I think it was pork belly. It tastesreally good. But maybe because my sense of tasteis weak, after the first bite, the taste doesn'treally stay with me.
Unfortunately, yesterday too, I barely rememberwhat the pork tastes like. Today was chicken. Itwas really good chicken. They used chicken thing.
27:11
And there was a boiled egg and cabbage. Cabbagewas really good too. But with the chicken, Icouldn't tell if it was the pepper, the chickenitself, or some other flavor. That's been a sourceof confusion for a while now.
And head always get confused during meals. Lookingback on why, that's the reason. Unlike before, I've learned more about food, but that part stillhasn't changed.
I tried different things to really taste it allthe way to the end. But nothing has changed. Also,earlier, I was looking into system, system whichis fighting style.
I used Russian breathing method. Apparently, there's a technique to reduce pain. I was looking intothat. Also, for some reason, after changing myclothes, there was a smell again right away.
I think it's because of all the soy I'm eating.Eating a lot of it. But I have to eat enough orthe stomach pain comes back. So I can't stop. I'vebeen thinking about it. But there's nothing else Ican replace it with.
Also, I was looking into why beef is the one meatyou don't need to fully cook. I found somethinginteresting. Yukhoe is actually a Korean dish.That's surprising. Well, when you think about it,it makes sense.
But yeah, okay, next topic. I think this is prettycommon. The times when you are not really tryingto think are the time when you end up thinking themost. Especially for me, probably more than mostpeople. Is that a common experience? I'm not sure.
The times when you are not thinking are the timewhen you are thinking the most. What I mean is,when you are not planning anything or workingthrough something complicated, when you are justspacing out, your head is actually spinning withall kinds of things.
Especially for me, back in school days, when I wasspacing out, it was like being in a dream. Alwaysdaydreaming. So when there's nothing to do, I'malways kind of daydreaming. That's why the timeswhen I'm not trying to think are the times when I'm thinking the most without realizing it. I'm nottrying to think, of course.
30:17
I feel like I've talked about this before, but Iwanna say it again. If you can't do it today, youcan do it tomorrow. I hear people say thatsometimes. And honestly, it's really frustrating.Just do it when the right time comes. And todaymight not be the best day to start.
People's mood change. Your body change. And if youcouldn't do it today, people change and grow. Sotomorrow you might be able to. That's a perfectlyfine way to think. Just because you couldn't do ittoday. Also everything is always changing. This ismore of thinking kind of topic.
People can notice when things change. I forgetexactly what it was. But while something is in themiddle of changing, you can't really see thechange happening. I forget the exact thing. Buteverything is always changing.
And the fact that you can notice change, you canunderstand why that's strange. The human brain can't really see something that's in the middle ofchanging. Suddenly something seems different.
But actually, what people often says, there weresigns before, and the change had already started.Well, even that, I find a little hard to fullyunderstand. But anyway, everything is alwayschanging. When something suddenly seems to change.Especially with people's feelings.
Like when someone seems to suddenly actdifferently towards you. It just looks sudden. Butthere were probably signs with everything.
Even when something suddenly seems to go wrong. Itwas probably changing long before that. Butunfortunately, people are just not built to noticethose changes. Also not choosing is also a choice.
33:02
I think people say that to make you feel better.But I think it's completely pointless. Because youare still making a choice either way. And also thechoice of not choosing. Who even struggles withthat? No one worries about that.
It's just playing with words. Because you can'tstop time. Or do they think you can stop time? Forexample, if there are opinions A and B, maybe theidea is that she is also an opinion.
But that's still a choice. And if there are only Aand B, you have to pick one of them. And if thepath ahead is split in two, you have to go one wayor the other. Because you can't stop time.
So, well, the idea of don't decide right now. Ithink that's still a choice. In the end, you arestill choosing, I think. But take it easy for now.Don't rush a decision.
I don't think that's really the same thing. Well,what do you think? Recording rate at night now.During the day, I had this itchy on my body. But Icouldn't scratch it myself. And it was reallyuncomfortable.
But earlier, when I was lying down, I scratchedit. And I'm scratching again now. And I just can'thelp it. Also, I had some really bad luck andthings went wrong.
There is a blender at home. And I was thinkingmaybe I could use it to make roasted soybeans intosoy flour. It turned out to be exactly the rightkind of blender for making soy flour.
I was really lucky. But then I remembered I'd needto toast the soybeans in the oven for an hourfirst. So, I had already given up on doing itduring the day. I had forgotten about that.
And of course, right at that moment, it turned outto be a good blender. I thought maybe I could justtoast a big batch of soybeans in the oven. Butthere's a limit to how much fit. So, that didn'twork out.
36:04
Also, there was something I wanted to look up onmy phone. And I forgot what it was. And I tried toremember a few times. I spent about 15 minutesjust trying to think of it.
Also, after lying down, I kept looking upcompletely pointless things and somehow got into aweird moment and ended up looking things up forhours at a time like that.
I lost control of myself. It even scared me.Honestly, I was looking up things I had nointention of looking up. That's quite a problem.It really is.
Sometimes I forget what's ruled. I was sad formyself. And I later realized I hadn't meant tolook that up. But I've been looking up pointlessthings for hours.
