00:00
I don't go outside.This is my battlefield.Fightingalone.Every single day.No one sees it.But I keepgoing.Slow is fine.Stopping is fine.Just moveforward.Hikikomori hero.Still standing.
This is just a podcast.
I had a bug with my podcast tool again today.So Ifelt restless all morning.I had to post it threetimes.I somehow recorded the English talk.But thatwasn't the only thing this morning.
Sometimes this happened.But my headache feltcompletely different from usual.I asked my motherif it was really mine.And she said it was.But thethickness and size felt totally different.
As I'm talking now,I realized I thought the samething last time.I just noticed now that this isactually my usual one.But I really thought todaywas different.What's the bug?I was lost.I thoughtI couldn't do anything all morning.
I wondered if I should fix the phone,mic,or justpick a show name now.Is this a strange way tothink?I felt like I couldn't decide unless I didsomething different,like stopping the English talkand picking a name instead.
I feel like I need to give my life a little shockto decide things.In the end,I thought aboutskipping the English talk.But I decided to recordit.I was really worried.I was scared that if thebug didn't stop,I wouldn't be able to either.
In the afternoon,I talked with my mother about theidol member who probably isn't going touniversity.Since we were human,I thought she mightfeel it was better to keep doing her work lastyear without taking a break.It's just a motif.Butpeople think that way.
When I told my mother,she said if she didn't trythe exam,she might regret that too.But I'm talkingabout how she feels now.Because she failed,shestarted talking about what would happen if shedidn't try.Of course,she would regret that.
03:09
But I'm talking about right now.She really doesn'tlisten to me.Also,I wanna tell one story thatdoesn't really matter.I was watching a graduationlive for someone leaving a group.
A younger member was told she could do fine afterthe leader left.But she couldn't answer them andregretted it.The leader asked her again.
You'll be okay,right?And she said yes,clearly.ButI had a strange daydream.What if she just keptcrying and saying nothing,even though she justsaid she regretted not answering before?If shestill couldn't say anything while crying hard,itwouldn't just be funny.It would be shocking.Do youknow what I mean?
The younger member said she was sorry for not nodding back then.But if she does the same thingagain,it would be interesting.Also,I'm weakagainst change.
Today I had a bad stomachache.I've had a stomachillness for over 10 years and I mostly know why itgets worse.But today the reason was hard tounderstand.It's been months since my stomach wasthis bad.
But compared to others,it's really bad todaybecause the reason is strange.It makes me worry.Itfeels like it has to happen.Whenever this happens,I wonder if this illness would be right if I don'thave that one.
It's the same as what I think about my braintrait.I'm weak against change.Usually I go to thebathroom and then go to my room on the secondfloor.Today it was clear that I might go againbecause my stomach was bad.
But when I washed my hands,my body got cold.So Idid something very different and went upstairsfirst to finish things quickly.But since mystomach was bad,I wanted to go to the bathroombecause of the water in my body.
At times like this,I didn't go.I have a bad luck.It means I'm not good if I change things.When Itry to be flexible,it doesn't work.I didn't wantto talk about my stomach too much.
06:06
But even though I just changed my clothes,I had tohold it and I didn't want it to smell.My luck wasbad.Because I just changed in the end,my stomachdidn't break.If it happens while eating orsleeping,it's a problem.
Before,when my mother came home,I couldn't godownstairs when my stomach was bad.That happenedsome years ago for some reason.I want to go to thebathroom right after go to the second floor.Thetiming is bad.I went to the second floor today.
But I couldn't relax and thought I made a mistake.I had no choice.So I went to the bathroom and cameback.Also,my thoughts keep growing.And I thoughtabout buying a new mic.Just at this time,I found acheap USB mic.
Before,there were only Bluetooth ones.The USB wasthere today.This is the same.My luck is badbecause it was there today.
Why wasn't it there before?Before,they were allover 5000 yen.So I had to buy the one I have now.
Today,I had my mother try her phone.And her phonehas a hole for the earphone at the bottom.I wonderif I should change to her phone or just give hermine.
If I had changed,the hole would be at the bottom.So there would be no problem.Also,I noticed thatthat tap can stop the wind noise.I'm lost.I'mthinking about which is better and if it's reallyeasier without a mic.
Also,as usual,I said the phone would be hard touse if I put tape all the way to the top.Then shetried a different way and said it looks okay.Shesaid if she put it to the top,it's fine.But theproblem hasn't changed at all.
She thinks she solved it,but it's the same asbefore.I had her try the tape today,which was alsoa change.My mother was in the hallway and justthen,my stomach felt bad.The timing was reallybad.It's been a long time since my stomach wasbad.
09:03
And in the afternoon,I had a bad luck.I'mrecording at night now.I checked how long I'vetalked,and it's only been 30 minutes.Today was ahard day.In the morning,there was a up back andheadache things.It felt like a big deal.
I get very worried if it's not mine.It feelsgross.I keep saying this,but I can't pick the showname really.I feel like I'm walking on a road thatisn't there,just believing it's there.I know I can't decide,but I can pick one.And it makes metired.It's been a month.
I probably don't have confidence in myself.I feelno confidence,and I feel alone.No matter what Ido,it's the same even if I do nothing.It's thesame if I do nothing.I notice I have more talentthan those people,so I shouldn't feel so bad.
Then I regret it's whether I do it or not.It doesn't go well.I talked about the mic and how I feelfailed by changing my routine.30 minutes isn'tenough to tell everything,but I hope I'm tellingit well.
Next,I was thinking about three idols.One is saidto be trying for the best university,and anotheris the center of that group.I wonder how theyfeel.All three go to very smart schools because ofthat.The one who didn't go to the top universitymight regret it.
I wondered how she felt when she heard the news.Ithought about what she would think.Also,I thoughtthat waiting for other people to happen makessense.But maybe it's impossible.Everyone isdifferent.
I have to rely on my mother to live,especiallybecause of my hand-washing habit.I have to talkabout the here,and it makes me feel ashamed andsad.I worry about the future,too.
I've thought many times that I should have leftthis house.I wanted to go to the hospital for aspecial way to fix my habit,but my mother said no.I still feel bad about that.
Also,I've tried to change how I talk on thepodcast.I always speak my work carefully.Mypersonality is like this,but I put a lot of heartinto the show and try to make it better.I hopethat reaches people.
12:23
Today's dinner was small.When I went to the secondfloor,I said my stomach hurt,but I didn't wanna goto the bathroom yet.I think that one sentence madethe food smaller.
Usually,if I asked the next day,she said it's notrelated,but she probably does it without thinkingor she forgets the day before.Dinner was hamburgerafter a long time.Also,potato salad with garlic.Itwasn't like a German potato or a normal potatosalad.It was like a German potato with bacon andgarlic.
Also,some cabbage.I like simple things like that.Ilike things that don't look expensive.I like foodwith strong taste like sausage,so it makes metense.Simple things fit me.
Also,the fried eggplant from the store was good.Icouldn't sleep yesterday,though I was sleepy andcouldn't listen to the radio today.It wassomething I wanted to hear.I've tried to listen toit six times,so I fall asleep every time.
I'm weak against change.I don't look at thescreen,so I get sleepy.I don't notice it when I'msleepy and just fall asleep.I was frustrated.Itwasn't a talk I really had to hear,but I stillwanted to.
Also,a snow sports player is retiring and anotherplayer brought flowers.This is a daydream,but itwould be funny if he was jumping with joy justbecause a friend came.I can imagine he would bevery happy.
He would be very happy.Also,there's a famousperson who looks like an old partner.I hate it.This girl who's a bit difficult and looks down onpeople.They're so similar.It's bad.I hate it.
I feel like their brains might have the sameparts.They probably don't,but they're similar.
15:04
I was the girl who probably failed the universityexam.It would be great if she could focus on what's in front of her,but maybe she doesn't need to.If I were in that spot,I'd be stuck on it.My mindwouldn't be there,but now I can focus on what's infront of me.
Still,you can't help but regret it.It's impossibleto regret an exam.When I listen to people talk,Ihave a trauma,so I try hard to show I'm listening.It's tiring.I look them in the eye and nod.
When I see people doing that on TV,it makes metired.Also,the people in the small boxes on TV wholook like they're listening well must use a lot ofenergy.It makes me tired to see them.I feel like I've become that person.It's the same with videosof fast rides.
I feel like I'm there and I get sick.I noticesomething while listening to the podcast.Sometimesin life,a small thing goes well,but at thosetimes,I don't put it into words if I don't knowwhy it went well.I feel anxious.
Anxious usually those don't work next time.So evenif the event goes well,I don't want to admit it inmy heart.Change is scary for me.
So if I were a sports player,I'd wanna do thingsthe same as always.If I do it differently andfail,that's okay.But if I do it differently and itworks,that means my old self was wrong.
Ichiro said something like that too.I think veryunique people aren't good at acting.They can't actwell.I mean people who have a very strong styleand are clearly different.
But I thought today that some people have a greatlook or mood.For example,a young person who looksvery grown up.They are good for acting,but thosepeople might be boring as humans.
I heard a radio today and thought that that personhas a great mood and it's very attractive,butpeople don't seem to like the radio.He has astrange look right around him,but when he talks,he's a boring human.
18:14
Maybe people with a great look don't have muchinsight.Otherwise,they don't have a strange lookon the outside.My father often comes home justwhen I go to the bathroom,I eat buttrack.
Even though the time he comes home and the time Igo are different every day.They happen at the sametime.I often go to the second floor and then hecomes back.It has happened over 50 times.Ithappened today too.He came back just when I wentdownstairs.Rarely he does go out.
For religion match.So this timing is rare.It'svery strange.Maybe I have an antenna.I often hearthat top people aren't that different from othergood people.They succeed because of otherabilities or luck.
I noticed something today about that.Ichiro isdifferent,but I felt something was off.It's notjust about Ichiro,but about all baseball players.He was amazing,but I wonder if his routine reallyhelped his play.
I thought being strict with himself didn't matterfor his record,but I found the answer today.It'snot that the routine made him succeed,but otherplayers just can't use 100% of their power.Theyaren't ready.Ichiro stays the same every day.
If other players could stay in the same goodstate,they might be as good as him.That's just athought.You can't say his record is only becauseof his routine,but other players can't do what hedoes,so he became the best.
Doing a routine every day isn't because he'sgreat,but it's power he was born with.To put itsimply,things outside of baseball talent doesn'taffect your skill,but they affect your score.
It might sound that talent decides things,butother players can't do what's normal for him,sotheir health breaks.That's normal for humans,sothey can't keep a good score like him.It's a jokethat they lose because of things outside ofbaseball,and they can't do anything about it.
21:17
And also because I have sharp ears,I know when mymother is in the bathroom from the sound.I alsoknow when my father touches things in the kitchenwithout washing his hands.I can hear his step andthe sound of a cup.
I've told him many times he thinks it's okay if mymother doesn't find out.That's how a criminalthinks.It's midnight now.I usually talk aboutthings I noticed,but I say,and the final answer,Idon't wanna decide that this is how it is.I feellike I'm moving toward the right answer,but I knowthere is no absolute answer.I haven't given up.
Though I'm trying to notice things and talk aboutthem here,but it's not the final word.It's strangethat things notice while eating or living.I knowin my heart it's not the final answer.Thinkingsomething is the right answer is scary.It's notabout being right or wrong.I know there's no rightanswer in this world.There's no meaning.
I've given up in noticing things,and I know thattoo.So I've half given up,but the other half isliving hard without thinking.My whole life is likethat.I feel life has no meaning,but I give upliving.It's hard anyway.It's a contradiction.Something shocking happened.
When I sleep,I put my hand in my pants,so I alwayswash my hands before a bathroom.Today,I made amistake and went to the bathroom first.At thattime,I tried not to touch my clothes,but today Idid.This was the day after I wiped my body so itwasn't clean.
Since I have anxiety,I searched for many reasonswhy it was OK.It was the worst.I thought about itfor 50 minutes,I should have just gone to wash myhands.I tried to take the easy way.Why did I makea mistake like that at this timing?
Also,I thought I picked a show name,but I stopped.It was made up words,and it might look like amovie or art.So I quit.It's morning now.Even in mydream,I was talking about something.I wonder if itwas a dream or a daydream.I was in food quiz.
24:18
My team lost,and the winner told me I couldn'twin.Then I said in a daydream that those questionswere ones to hurt.We just didn't know enough.
And that you were amazing.I had three dreamstoday,and they were all connected,but I forgotwhat they were.They felt like they had meaning.I'll talk about today.My mother talked in so long.
When I asked what time she took a bath,she didn'tjust give the time.She said she went in at night,then she didn't turn on the heater,so it was cold.And she talked for three minutes.I worried becauseI think she misunderstood something.
She answered in the end,so it was okay.Also,aboutyesterday,my father thinks it's okay if he's notfound out.I told him never go to the second floor,but he went to get something,and I found out.
Yesterday,he probably touched the kitchen thingswithout washing his hands while my mother was inthe bath.I told my mother to ask him if he didthat.He will do it again if she doesn't tell him.
Also,my mother told me years ago that I can't eatout,and I should save for the future,but for thesefew years,they use the heater a lot.As he said,it's because this year is warm,but they use it morethan last year.I thought about telling her,but shecan't use it at all.
That's also a problem.When the old man came,Ithought I should have told him out,not to put itin.I noticed it later,but I remembered my motheris working hard at her net business,so it's okayif it's a bit warm.
It's the room is cold.I lose the power to do theEnglish talk for the podcast,so I don't know whatis good or bad,but I might regret this Englishtalk later.I'm fixing the regret from my blog,thiswith the podcast.
I'm using what I learned from my failures,but if Ididn't fail,I wouldn't have started the podcastbecause I'd still be blogging.
27:10
I remembered a trauma.I went to the dinner at mymother's friend's house.I'm using what I learnedfrom my failures,but if I didn't fail,I wouldn'thave started the podcast because I'd still be blogging.
I remembered a trauma.I went to the dinner at mymother's friend's house.I had a cold,so otherswent to the play,but I couldn't.It's strange thatI was taken there while I had a cold,whether I hada cold or not.
When I got to the house,I didn't know.I was madeto play with kids I didn't know just because theywere her friend's kids.It was the worst,and I wassick,too.It's unbelievable,but it happened.Thosepeople are still around.I'm in trouble.
Talks from very smart people with fast mind lookinteresting at first,but I often have nothinginside.
People who are fast at short distance often hadbad at long distance.It's like that.You can't sayit for everyone,but many smart people with mywords have very common and boring talks.
It's like a fake building that looks good on theoutside.About the show name,I wonder if it's okayif it looks like mental health,but the category isdifferent.
Still,the talk itself might be about mentalhealth,but I don't give answers for those shows.The answers is important.I don't understand that.But I think people are saved by knowing someone istalking about their hard times.
People who speak honestly like this give courage.There aren't many people with brain trait ormental health who talk about their experience.It'susually a parent making a comic book.
I had a daydream many times.What if a friend tookmy scarf as a joke and I kicked my legs andshouted that I'd be in trouble because it's cold.There was a girl I liked nearby.Also,a friendfailed a science test and liquid flew at him.
30:05
I said something mean and I should have thankedsorry.Other people said I was mean.If I had saidsorry when that girl was nearby,my image mighthave been better.Good job for the show.Thank youfor listening.
