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A Japanese Chat in Observing Life
From Offline Mode Since 2009
Not Deep, Not Motivational, Just Painfully Accurate Misalignment Reacts
Misalignment Logs
I Keep Going! Slow is Fine! Stopping is Fine! JustMove Forward! HIKIKOMORI HERO! Still Standing!
This is just a Podcast
I'll start today suddenly. I'll talk about Episode5. It's a small thing, but I was talking with myparents.
After they charged my phone, my parents saidsomething, but it didn't make any sense at all. Idon't know what they meant.
After they finished charging it, they looked thephone of the charger, usually the screen light uponce, but it didn't.
They probably wanted to say that, but they didn'twanna explain it or I don't know what they say.
I wanna show you what she said, but I can't dothat today. I really don't know what they said.
I don't even remember it. I don't think it's alanguage for humans on this Earth.
After that, I didn't need to restart it because itwas normal.
I asked if they restarted it or just turned on thelight with the switch, but I forgot what she said.
She said something, but how it didn't matter. Ijust asked which one is what, so they should justanswer me, saying that turning on the power didn'tmatter isn't our answer.
Also, I saw the percentage earlier and it was 40%,it should be 100%, but it's 1400%.
03:05
It looks like it wasn't plugged at the start. I'mso shocked. Also, my dad didn't touch the nail clippers yesterday.
I told my mom to ask my dad if she touched them,but she told me to remember it's myself.
When I cut my toenails, it felt different fromusual. I'm checking if I did something different.
So why doesn't she believe me? My mom doesn'tbelieve what I say.
Also, I just thought about this, but I remember yakiniku was the best thing to eat to feel better,but I never thought about going there once in awhile.
I thought about why I didn't think that, and Ifound out today. If humans feel too much pleasure,they probably push it away.
But things like alcohol might be different. Ithink it's made well. Things with sugar or sweetthings are addictive, so you can't stop. Then youget fat.
Yakiniku was good because of that. You only needto eat it sometimes. There's no bad feeling whenyou don't eat it.
Also, I always feel lonely because of English.There are many vowel sounds, and pronunciation isreally hard. I think it's too hard for Japanesepeople.
But that's just what YouTubers or teachers say.When I listen to native speakers, I think maybe Ijust can't hear it well, but I don't think I needto worry about pronunciation as much as YouTuberssay.
I don't know what to believe. I don't know what todo. It's hard to add time like this. I felt likethis many times while I stayed home. It was thesame when I was a student.
Also, this morning, when my dad goes to thebathroom early, he wakes me up after he goes.Before, he went too early, and he woke up while Iwas eating. So we decided to do it that way.
06:02
Today, he said he would go to the bathroom later,but he went while I was sleeping in the morning. Ithought he went because he really needed to go. Ithought I was unlucky.
I was recording my English, and I wondered whatwould happen if I wasn't recording or if I wasn'tmaking a podcast. I don't think I'm unlucky.
Later, I asked my mom, and she asked if she shouldcall him after I go. She made the same mistake aslast night. She should have made a note. It'salways a mess, and I thought she made a newmistake.
But after talking it was the same mistake, shejust forgot it's hard. I don't know where theproblem is. Today, it's about how she said it. Herway of saying it was bad, but she was wrong fromthe start.
Now for the next story. Recording English is hard,and it's so hard that it feels like a punishment.I don't know when it will end. I don't know when I'll stop reading or speaking English. It's hard,but working out was probably harder.
I think humans can remember the past correctly.Depending on when you remember the past, you mightthink it was fun or hard. You might believesomething wrong.
For example, you might think something is hard orfun because of what people usually say. You mightthink it's hard even if it's not. I think how youfeel now changed how you see the past.
Also, I was worried about charging my cover artevery time I checked American podcast, and theyall changed it. In Japan, most people don't. I don't know which way was better.
The platform are different, and YouTube is popularthere. I don't know what to do. I always feellonely, but now I feel like everyone is againstme. It's not just that, but I'm not good at artlike cover art or music.
I don't know if it's worth using time for coverart. It might be a waste of time. Everything I dois different from other people, like recordingEnglish. Sometimes I wanna be a special person,but I'm just different.
09:05
But those special people, probably first of all,they are lonely too, even if this goes well. Iwant to make money or get a prize. If I recordEnglish, I have to do it twice a day, so it takesa lot of time. Today was hard recording twice inthe morning.
And now Japanese. I wonder when I should record,but I think I can do it. Thinking about that washard. I also started to worry about how to studyEnglish again.
There are always things to worry about. I wasthinking about the show name and cover art beforethat. I thought about changing the cover art everytime, but after looking into it, the episodepicture is small and everyone puts their phone intheir pocket when they listen.
So there's not much point in changing it everytime. I'm glad I had a place to show what I made,but it looks like it will just be for fun.
But making cover art from non-sound hard too. If Ithink about the long term, it can be helped, but I'm a perfectionist, so if I don't have to decidenow, I don't have to worry. But if I have to pickjust one, I'll become a perfectionist.
Also for the show name, I wanna put Japan in it.That's the only way to reach people. Overseas,that's the only way I can be different. I haveother things about me, but if I write about mydisability, there are other problems and I'm notan expert.
If I write about my disability, there are manyother shows and experts, but I shouldn't writeabout being a child of a religious group either.Only a few people in the US know the word for thepeople who stay home. It depends on the country.
I've had a bad stomach lately. Maybe because ofstress. It's been more than 10 years, but I don'tknow how my body feels. Before, I had a fever ofover 38 degrees. I don't usually check mytemperature while staying home.
12:00
But when I went to the hospital to get a toothpulled, it was 38 degrees. I felt normal. Maybe Ialways have a high fever and I don't know how highI am now.
People who wanna hear about mental health want tolisten to a show in broken English because thereare so many other shows, so it must be people whoare interested in Japan.
But those people are interested in anime orculture. I wonder if anyone wanna hear aboutJapanese person's life. There are many otherpeople like that, and I'm a bit different. It'snot like a normal Japanese life.
But if I don't say it's about Japan, people won'tlisten because of my English. I should have knownthis, but I forgot and I thought I just needed toput Japan in it.
I'm thinking about the show names now, and it'sinteresting. People who want a show aboutdisability want a community or someone who feelsthe same. They want friends, so I might not be theright person for people overseas.
The word neurodivergent is used instead ofdisability. These people are different, and theyhate when people force feelings or give them wordsto cheer them up. I'm the same. Some people justwanna hear a show that overseas sings. That'sinteresting.
Mental health shows are popular, so some peoplewant them, but some people hate them. That'sinteresting.
I forgot to say, but I'm recording this tonight. Idecided not to use SNS. I want to use those placesto show myself. This is a way to handle mydepression.
I don't wanna use my energy in my place. It's arule. But if I change the cover art every time,that's something SNS. Even if it's in a podcast,as I said, I'm a perfectionist, so if I try topick one, I feel hopeless.
15:08
As a result, I didn't have to pick one cover art,but if I don't make them anymore, I feel empty,even though it's easier. So I'm thinking about itagain. I feel okay, then I feel hopeless, and myideas keep changing.
I'm tired from that, so I was listening to musicfrom Spirited Away. The dinner last night waschicken number. I didn't buy the sauce, but when Isaw the picture, it's hard to match sauce. It'sfried with flour and sauce, and that's enough.
I don't understand it. Today's dinner was onionand carrot. I don't eat curry, so they made itwith curry ingredients. They were good. I couldn'ttaste them much, but it felt good. I'm notspecial, but I can tell it was good.
I couldn't taste the potato much, but I know it isa good potato. It was pork and salmon. I couldn'ttaste the salmon much today, but it was good.
Last night, my parents went to the eye doctor. It's a hospital with one person and many patients. Iasked how it was. I'll make a podcast tonight. Ichecked things twice in an hour and doubted aboutthe short name.
This is bad. I can't decide on the art or thename. I wanna decide quickly if I'm gonna changeit, but it's very hard. Also, I watched video anddecided not to listen to podcast. I heard toomuch, and I regret using time for the cover art ifI stop now.
I can stop wasting time, but then I watchedYouTube. So, it's the same thing. I felt splittedaway when I was a kid and I wasn't moved at all.That was a shock, but when I saw it readily, Icried. I think I feel more than before. I had myphone charged at night, which is not usual.
I don't want the recording to stop, and I wannarecord my English quickly. So, I was worriedduring dinner if I should have them post it firstand if I should move the data. Also, I felt downwhen I take a bath. I don't know why my illnessand depression get worse.
18:03
You might think they aren't related. That's why it's scary and strange. When I stopped taking bathsas often, my stomach got better and my depressiondidn't get worse.
So, I can't change my clothes often even if smalllike soybeans because I eat them too much. I can'tchange because I'll get depressed. I'm recordingnow about the bath.
A high school student got an allergy when theytook a bath. It was because they touched thehandle. Strange things happen in life. There mustbe a reason for the bath too.
Also, about the show name. It's the name asbefore. And I put my hand in my pants while I'msleeping. Both hands and I went downstairs once.Also, I was moved today. I thought teachers whoteach manner were scary, but the teacher on TVtoday looked nice. I realized my first idea waswrong.
Also, I had an idea that captain of idol groupswere scary. So, I thought the first captain of Nogizaka was scary because she is beautiful. But shedidn't look scary at all. I remember I was movedby that.
But my idea was wrong. And I was surprised becauseshe was different. I'm not just scared ofdepression. I'm checking if I have that specialfeelings you get when you are depressed. I talkedabout this before, but I don't know how to say it.I don't know if I'm checking my feelings or if I'mworried about feeling that way.
I keep checking. I was studying Englishpronunciation, and I kept worrying about the Lsound. I know I shouldn't, but I check it. Peoplesay you should touch your tongue to the top. I hadlearned it when I was student. Now it's a mess,and I regret that I should have done nothing.
People say there's one way, but there are actuallytwo. Someone on YouTube said there are two Rsounds. If there are two L sounds, it's hard, andI worry. But I can't think it as one thing. If so,do I have to do both R sounds? I checked today,and there are two.
21:00
Now I have to think of L as one thing because I'ma perfectionist. I have to think there are two orone for both, but books say there are two Lsounds, but not two R sounds. I'm a perfectionist,so it was close.
I almost have to think there were two I'mrecording in the morning. When I think of the showname, I can't see the whole thing. If I focus onone part, I forget the other.
Then I start from the beginning. I wish I couldthink more widely. I talk about with my parentsabout many things. I remembered a ramen that costover 1,000 yen at a small airport. The taste andfeel were bad. Maybe it's a memory from adifferent place.
This happens sometimes. These memories are okay,but I don't want to remember bad things from thepast.
My parents missed a place in Sapporo from 10 yearsago for me. 10 years feels like just a littlewhile ago, but at first, grader becomes a 10thgrader. I live like my parents, but I'm always athome doing the same thing.
My sense of time is different from others, andthat makes me sad. When I started staying home, Ijust listened to the radio all day. I don't knowif it was harder or easier than now, but maybe itwas better than if I go to the hospital for myillness.
I wanna feel free from this life. I don't wannajust feel worried. I think I've been working hard,but I might have been taking it easy. But stayingin his house for many years is also very hard, somaybe I'm taking it easy a bit.
Almost dinner yesterday. I talked about ityesterday. The carrot was good. I wonder what themeat was. Maybe pork and potato salad. The friedfish cake in the morning was good. And crabsticks. There are expensive crab sticks. I thinkit's better to eat real crab.
I don't like crab much even if I cook it. This isnot a bad memory. But I remember strange thingssometimes. I often tell people things because Iwant them to be happy. But when they aren't ashappy as I thought, I panic. I don't know why theyare like that. I don't understand how they feel.
24:16
That's why I act very happy when people praise me.I think it's sad if I don't act happy for them. It's hard for me because I can do it, but otherpeople in the world can't.
