00:03
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.Fighting alone, every single day.
No one sees it, but I keep going. Slow is fine,stopping is fine.
Just move forward, hikikomori hero, stillstanding.
This is just a podcast.
I'm upstairs now. I'm recording this at night.
First, I wanna do this. Last time, the recordingsuddenly cut off.
This happens sometimes, so I'm recording this newone in a hurry.
I'm so unlucky. It only happens when I don't use ajingle.
If I had put a jingle in, I would notice itstopped.
I'm just unlucky. Whenever I try to changesomething, it doesn't go well.
I forgot what I was talking about.
They say actors forget their lines as soon astheir play ends, and maybe I'm the same.
First, about English pronunciation.
It's a small thing, but I'm worrying so much aboutit.
I was using one tool for practice, but now I'mthinking about switching to a new one.
If I switch, it'll be slow and take more time, buteven if it's slow,
maybe that's actually the fast way and better inthe end.
Still, I'm used to the one I have now.
I was worrying about such a small thing.
It's like an animal with food right in front ofit.
I feel like it's a matter of life or death, eventhough it's not.
I'm afraid of change.
I keep thinking if I should stay with the old oneor if the new one is too slow.
I was thinking about that.
Also, at night, lately, my body is so itchy, I can't help it, so I just use my phone to forget aboutit.
I have a rule not to listen to podcasts lately,but then I end up watching YouTube.
The screen kept me awake.
My head stayed busy.
I thought maybe I should just listen to a sillypodcast there are ones I wanna listen to.
03:00
But right now, I feel like there are no points.
I feel like I don't need to.
So I made the rule.
But when I get into a bad habit like this,
I can't sleep for hours once I'm in bed.
I can't sleep.
I need to change this habit.
For example, if the noisy lady next door is loudin the morning,
I won't be able to sleep all day.
Because of that risk, I wanna sleep as early aspossible.
She's so noisy.
And sometimes the TV is loud too.
I can't sleep.
I try to go to bed early and usually I can sleep.
But I shouldn't let this bad habit start.
Watching YouTube is bad, but I also have the nopodcast rule, so I don't know what to do.
This is a silly daydream.
But I imagined an idol telling her boss she'squitting the group.
But then she thinks it's better to stay a bitlonger.
And since she's serious, it'll be hard whether shestays or quits.
So she tells the boss she changed her mind.
She's not just being weak.
She tells him that because he gave her time tothink yesterday.
She finally understood her true feelings.
I was daydreaming about that.
I think it's really hard to pick the time to quitbeing an idol.
About dinner, yesterday it was a boiled dish.
But for some reason, it tasted like tomato.
It was a boiled dish.
But then the taste went away.
So I wonder what that was at first.
There were carrot and radish.
The radish was very good.
Also chicken and something with fish cake andseaweed in soy sauce.
And the chicken with Korean spicy paste on theside was also good.
Today, more progress.
Tomorrow, even cutlery, everything is extra.
I'm recording in the middle of the night at home.
This is another strange daydream.
When a very talented new person joins a group, theolder people probably don't feel good.
So, for example, with idols, when Maki Goto joinedMorning Musume, this is my daydream.
06:01
She tells all the members, the people at the topare pushing me.
And you might not feel good.
But because you are here and you are so great, Iwanted to join.
I'm here because you are wonderful.
I was daydreaming about what she could say.
So the older members would like her.
Also, I listened to music and finally fell asleeparound 2.
But I'm unlucky.
Right then, my dad came home but didn't comeinside.
I couldn't relax, so I couldn't sleep for a while.
When I woke up, I could still hear the car.
I told my mom the car was running, but it actuallywasn't.
I don't hear things that aren't there.
But when a sound is in my head, I feel like it'sstill going well even after I wake up.
I messed up.
By the way, today I listened to Ayumi Hamazaki,Mai Kuraki and Namie Amuro.
Also a song from Detective Conan.
They are the person whose voice sounds just likeMai Kuraki and they started at the same time.
So I wondered if one of them copied the other.
I also learned that all the Conan songs are chosenfrom the same group of people.
And I was moved by that.
It's 4.30 in the morning now.
Lately, I search for everything that I'm curiousabout.
I'm not a net addict, but I think it's getting abit bad.
I try not to search for my worries, but I end updoing it later.
Anyway, also there's an idol who is very sharp andmean to people around her.
I search about her online. It's very rare.
But I found many people who think exactly like Ido.
Since that almost never happened, I spent about anhour looking into it.
Some people say things too honestly and can'tleave the room.
I understand why they have a hard time, but thereare also people like me who are different.
And others think they can say anything mean to us.
We also have a hard time with people.
09:02
I don't wanna be same as people who are hatedbecause they say too much.
I'm recording this in the morning.
I was remembering this all day. Hokkaido doesn'thave much history.
So I was looking at urban legend about Akitabefore.
When I hear about strange old festival or ritualin northern village, it sounds like stories fromanother world.
They probably include urban legend, but it feelsso close yet so far.
Also in the religion, there was a person from Yamagata.
I couldn't understand her at all, to be honest.
It wasn't about the difference between the northand Hokkaido.
It was just her personality.
She was a woman and she was quit, but she is quitebad.
She had trouble with other members and almostquit.
She was a daughter of someone I knew even quitbecause of her.
She was a mean person.
Next story.
There are idols who look like they came fromanime.
People say they are like a main character or 10%pure.
But they aren't like humans.
They are interesting because they are likecharacter.
That must be annoying for them.
Like I said before, there was main idol and Ifound some online who felt the same as me.
Usually I can't find anyone who feels the sameway.
So even though it was a negative thing, it made mehappy.
I was talking to my mom this morning.
Even if you spend a lot of money on a clawmachine, you keep going because you think you arealmost there.
I think this is worse than gambling.
Recently I heard about people in Japan gettingtricked by the game from another country.
They kept playing to try and get their money back.
It's the exact same feeling.
You spend money because you are angry and you areso close to winning.
People who lose money on claw machines are oftenkids or adults who like anime.
Yesterday I had a dream where I was complaining tomy dad.
12:04
After I woke up, the daydream continued at someage complaining and the father just kept sayingsorry.
I thought that's a sad sight.
It wouldn't happen in real life.
But I was just daydreaming.
It doesn't mean anything.
About Shonen, I'm still not sure.
Should I put words like offline or hikkomori todraw people in?
I keep saying the same thing.
But I wonder what I'll do when I leave this house.
It feels limited but it's not a wrong answer.
It will hit the right people.
If I wanna hit that group, it's okay.
I feel so sad just thinking about the show name.
I'm thrown away so many ideas.
I feel bad because I could have used those ideasfor the show in the description.
I could have used them there.
Also I was thinking this morning.
People today think everyone should be equal.
There should be no rules against people.
And no one is better than others.
This is normal now.
Was it?
Yukichi Fukuzawa.
He said God didn't put people above other people.
This has been said for over 10 years for Japanesepeople.
His words are normal.
It's a common rule for the whole world.
But competition is important.
And hierarchy will always exist.
We know these are just nice words.
So arguing about whether competition is importantor if being equal is better is pointless.
I wonder if people keep that in mind when theyargue.
It's okay to argue for the show.
But there's no real answer.
It's a waste of time.
Even though Yukichi Fukuzawa said such a wonderfulthing,
people already know it's wrong.
No matter how much you argue about which is moreimportant,
there's no answer.
I wonder why he said it like that.
It probably has a deeper meaning.
But people who hear it might get it wrong.
It just sounds like nice words.
In my life,I've felt that words are not certain.
15:01
But for people today,they are necessary.
Other times,I've thought that language isn't thatimportant.
When I listen to music,I feel like words don'tmatter at all.
When I look at books,there's a wall because oflanguage.
So I think it's an art that isn't for everyone.
Even in an opera,there are lines,
but Japanese people can see Italian opera andunderstand it.
But with books,if the word and the time aredifferent,
you can't understand what's good.
I noticed something yesterday.
It's probably possible to make the painful timesin life as short as possible.
You just have to do painful things all day.
Humans get used to things,so it's possible.
Most people think if you do painful things allday,
it'll just stay painful even if you get used toit.
But think about it.
You feel pain because you do fun things.
And then the change makes it hard.
The human mind tries to keep a balance.
If so,even if nothing has happened,
if you put pressure on your body and mind,
the things that used to be painful will looknormal.
This is a hard problem.
But you do get used to it.
Also some people can't stand it.
If they don't have some excitement or pressure,
humans are made to keep a balance.
I don't wanna have very painful feelings,
so I try to make some painful time every day.
I try to put pressure on myself.
As they say,old samurai used to do that,too.
They trained and put pressure on themselves everyday
to be ready for hard time.
I saw an article about that when I was looking upYukio Mishima.
I've been trying to remember what I wanted to talkabout for over 30 minutes.
I keep thinking of other things and can't say theimportant part.
I've been thinking for over 30 minutes,but I can'tremember.
This morning I was able to follow what I said andchange my bad habit at night.
So I slept well and early.
But because I slept early,I had extra time.
18:01
And I ended up searching for pointless thingsagain.
I really regret it.It's okay as long as I stillfeel regret soon.
I won't even have the energy to regret things,andI'll just accept it.
I wanna avoid that.
