00:01
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'm recording this at noon.
First, I thought I should keep dragging my feetand show names today.
I decided not to record the English episodestoday, cuz that puts pressure on me.
I did it cuz that, since I'm taking it easy thatway.
I told myself I must pick it today, even if I haveto stay up all night.
Or I'll never decide I try doing somethingdifferent from usual.
I thought I felt terrible about wasting my day.
I couldn't even think of a show name when I didn'teven record the English episodes.
So I really have to get serious and decide today.
Also, I've been sleeping during the four years, oractually for a really long time.
So I wanted to do something about that too.
I thought I should be more strict with myself.
Sleep is one of the three big needs.
So I thought it'd be great if I could beat it.
I try to stay awake today too.
But when I do that, changes happen at night, whichcauses many problems.
I'll come to think of it.
It's strange. Before, I used to eat breakfast withless than 5 minutes different every day.
So if it was even 10 minutes off, I'd get a reallybad stomachache.
I used to ruin my stomach a lot.
But once I got used to change, I stopped gettingsick so easily.
I wonder how this works.
Living a regular life is supposed to be better forthe body.
So there must be some bad effect.
But we are made to get used to things.
So I feel like it's okay, even if the time changesa bit.
Anyway, when I lived a perfectly regular life, mybody went crazy.
03:04
Like getting a stomachache or catching a cold.
The time was off even a little bit.
If I don't keep it perfectly regular, I get usedto that instead.
And so no problem happens.
That feels a bit strange.
Also, I thought whether AI is hard.
And I got the answer right away.
First, thinking that humans have a heart is amistake.
But even scientists study the heart.
So you think it exists, right?
When you think about it, take a car for example.
If you break all the parts, the car isn't thereanymore.
When the parts are in that shape,
Humans know it's a car.
But people from countries that don't have carsprobably can't see it as a car.
And they wouldn't even notice something is therein the first place.
For example, if you make a mud ball in front ofyour house,
You don't look at it and constantly think there isa mud ball here.
You just look at it and think it's a yard.
It's the same thing.
We only notice it's a car because we have an ideaof a car.
In fact, there is no such thing as a car.
It's the same with a forest.
You think there is a forest because there are manytrees.
But it's just that we call a lot of trees forest.
It's just a group of trees.
Then if you ask what a tree is,
It's just that humans call it a tree and gave itthat name.
The heart is the same thing.
It's very similar to the car story.
We just call the whole flow from feeling somethingto doing something a heart.
It's just a name for that's happening.
This means humans don't have a heart.
If I suddenly tell someone that humans don't havea heart,
They'll say I'm wrong.
But from this story, I think you understand thatthere is no heart.
This means we can actually make a heart for AI.
06:02
Because humans just give the name heart to aseries of movements of humans.
So if we say AI has a heart, then it does.
Also where is consciousness?
It's not inside me.
It's a relationship.
That's why some people think their pets haveconsciousness.
People who have a fantasy that they can talkthrough that relationship feel consciousnessthere.
It's the same thing.
If you can feel a robot is consciousness,
Then it's death.
Same thing is born when you and the robot...
Oh, by the way, I saw a commercial today.
I think dirt builds up in your eyes and makes themreally good aging.
Hearing things like that makes me feel down.
If my eyesight stops working in the future,
I can't take care of every single thing like that.
I can't do it.
I can't take care of my whole body like that.
Every time something happens, I don't think I canever afford to do that in the future.
But if the surgery can fix it perfectly,
I can't give up on it if there's a chance.
That's why I used to be too much of a perfectionist.
If I kept going like that, I don't know what wouldhave happened.
But I think I would have spent a lot of moneytrying to fix too many things.
And it would have been terrible from a certainpoint.
I made it my life rule to try not to change asmuch as possible.
That's not the only reason, but being a person whodoesn't care about anything,
same with me.
Even if things can change a bit, I just thinkthings are changing, and that's it.
Think about the show.
I used to write many notes, but now I don't dothat.
And I keep looking back at past notes over andover.
I wish I could use this energy for something else.
It makes me feel bad because I feel like nothingis coming out of it.
Like I said before, if I weren't a person whodoesn't care about anything,
09:05
I probably would explode.
But before, there was a time when making notesdidn't go well and it was tough.
Even now, I'm looking for something.
But I don't know if I'm looking for something ornot.
There's no way I can find it, but I feel like Ihad to do it.
Actually, when I listen to English, I noticeeveryone talks the same way.
When you think about it deeply, it's obvious, buteveryone's way of talking is similar.
Of course Japanese people are the same.
No matter how unique someone is, their way oftalking pattern is mostly the same.
But they stay completely inside the group or theframe.
When I think about it, people in the world say,
Uniqueness is important or you shouldn't just copyothers.
But that's just next to nice words.
And I really think most people are just stuck inthe group.
I really feel that.
Okay, next story.
I would say this.
While changing my way of thinking a little bit,
I'm thinking about whether to change it.
Throwing away the past wasn't something I focusedheavily in my way of living.
While thinking about the show name,
my plan was to make a short description from themany ideas I had so far.
But now I'm wondering who I should completelythrow them away.
And say this latest one is great,
but I could make it because everything I built upuntil now.
So I'm wondering who I should throw away the pastor not.
Also, it disappeared completely again.
In the morning, I got the character count wrongfor the show description again.
I calculated it carefully and thought it wasthousand.
But my memory must change somewhere.
Because it was way over the limit.
So I had to read everything from scratch.
I couldn't believe it.
And it was a shock.
I'm recording and I remember I used to have astrange rule.
12:01
I thought I'm using my brain, right?
After eating was bad for my health.
So I tried to relax as much as possible.
But in my case, if I do nothing, I actually use mybrain more.
I stopped that annoying rule.
Also, during the meal today, it was the top partof chicken and egg bowl.
And since some egg was left today, I drank thatsauce.
Though I wasn't planning to drink it at first,
this is that strange rule to from a certain pointstopping drinking a sauce.
But the egg was too good to waste.
So I drank it today.
But I still can't taste it well when it's sauce.
It took me a while before I could taste miso soupwell too.
But for today's chicken and egg,
since I started eating a lot before,
there was a day when I used three eggs with justonion and chicken
and it was delicious too.
But today the egg condition was just right.
So it might be best, but I don't eat rice.
So I was taking it would be delicious if it werereal chicken and egg bowl with rice.
Also the fried eggplant like eggplant cooked insauce after frying was delicious too.
And the pickled Chinese cabbage but I can't decideon the show name today.
So I'm staying up all night.
It feels hopeless.
After all,when I think about the show name,
I always end up and unclassified no attribute inthe end.
Before I feel like it's different fromdevelopmental disorder
and it's different from being a shut-in.
I feel like I don't fit anymore.
Now even in life philosophy it's not emptiness
and I don't run into stories and I'm not shaking.
And I do act and I haven't give up.
I don't know what it is myself.
So there's no way to explain it.
It's a very delicate point.
I wish I could find a good expression.
But I can't find one.
But if I use the expression unclassified,
it doesn't tell people anything.
I wanna explain that it's close to something but Ican't
and it doesn't get across well.
15:00
That's how it is.
Just saying I don't care about anything doesn'texplain it.
I try to say realism or realist.
But the more I try to explain it carefully,
the more tangled it gets.
It's sad.
This is bad.
I notice I'm daydreaming.
Just before I was daydreaming.
But saying this to my best friend's mom,
I always hear stories about family problem orfight.
But if it weren't story about this family,
it might be a bit simple-minded.
But I might disreact getting involved.
That's just an example.
But I never feel bad about it.
I was daydreaming about saying that.
Also I was daydreaming about
idol standing with an older member in front of acamera
and looking at her close-up.
She was so cute that
that if I stay here,
something crazy will happen
and I'll explode.
So I like to live now.
I was having that kind of strange daydreaming asusual.
Also yesterday I was looking up
whether super popular Hollywood actresses
actually beautiful or not to us.
From ASEAN viewpoint,
because we don't know everyone looks beautifullike actress
when we see them on TV.
So it's surpriseless.
And I was checking what it's really like.
It's beautiful that there are many differentopinions.
While thinking about the show name,
I listened to music to take a break.
But if I do that,
it loses its meaning again.
So today,
instead of thinking about what meaning there is,
I thought it's better to listen to some helpfultagger
or put things into my head.
For the English episode,
once I enter maid,
where I don't do things strictly,
I start taking it easy more and more.
I know this happened.
So I wanna do it.
Even if I have to push myself a bit,
I wanna get it down first.
It's morning.
First,I forget what I was just about to talkabout.
18:03
And while talking with my mom,
I was thinking only about that son the whole time.
Long ago,
when I was talking with my best friend,
I had anxiety disorder.
Then I kept thinking only about that maid.
Then feel bad it's happened this morning.
So I'll talk about it.
When I was eating a crab stick,
even though it was decades ago,
a bad memory from kindergarten came back.
We were all eating lunch together,
and there was a crab stick there.
It should be the same crab stick I always eatthere.
But the memory from kindergarten came back.
I really hated eating together with everyone inkindergarten.
It was something I wasn't used to eating,and Ihated it.
Also,I had this question for a long time.
Why are Americans so unique?
They are mixed races,right?
If so,it should be mixed and toned down,right?
Since I think humans' personality is set by genes,
if they originally came from Italy,
it makes sense if they have the same personalityas Italian people.
But Americans have a clear uniqueness,
and that's a big question for me.
The country America itself is unique,
but when I think about it commonly,
it's a mix of races.
I don't think personality is made afterward.
Also,sometimes during meal,
there are times when I can't remember what ittasted like at all.
This means I don't have a memory of tasting it.
It was like this morning,too.
Of course,I remember eating it,
and if I try to remember the taste,I can do it.
But I don't have a memory of actually tasting it.
But that means I'm concentrating that much.
So while eating,I must be tasting it,
and that's why even if I look back later,
I don't know if that was right or not.
In fact,I might be tasting it better than usual,
but the more I concentrate,
the more I can't remember it when I think about itlater.
There's a chance I'm concentrating too much andnot tasting it,
and it sounds a bit strange.
21:01
But the more I concentrate instead of tasting,
I'm focusing on the taste itself.
It makes sense that's a possibility.
On the other hand,when I feel I tasted it well,
I might not be concentrating this morning.
I can't remember it at all,and I don't have amemory of tasting it.
I might have been thinking about something,
but I should be concentrating well.
If I were thinking about something,
the whole time I know.
I feel like I can concentrate better when I thinkabout things just a little bit.
While thinking about the show name or the showdescription,
I made a big discovery,
and I thought if I put a certain word in,
I could show my characteristic well like a chain.
But even if I put that word in,
the word itself is a bit abstract and hard tounderstand,
and it doesn't change the whole impression.
Even so,it's annoying,isn't it?
I found hard to use that word somehow.
But I can tell myself that
I should probably stop sticking to it.
But this might be a big discovery too.
And in the end,I used it anyway,
but I feel like something is off when it's myshow.
But if I say it's not a story and it's notemptiness,
I look like a person who is neutral and balanced,
and also I try to write that it's not movingforward and it's not stopping.
But when I thought about it,I forgot what's wrong.
I had to use it anyway.
Also,even a small change breaks me down.
Physically and mentally,even if I act the same asusual,
if I think about something different or thinkabout something exciting,
I head toward breaking down.
Listening to music with a low sound is like that,
and just feeling a bit rest and getting tensemakes me
a bit go crazy.
