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I, Hikikomori, for over 50 years with zero timeoutside, raised in a dysfunctional home, estrangedfrom family and friends, living with autismspectrum trait, never fitting the frame.
Even after 20 years in religion, it never became ahome, misunderstood, distanced, quietly pushedout. I stood outside the circle of salvation, andI grew tired of carrying the illusion of life'smeaning.
The effort to keep believing that was exhausting.
This is my battlefield. Fighting alone everysingle day. No one sees it. Slow is fine. Stoppingis fine. Just move forward. Hikikomori Hero stillstanding.
This is just a podcast.
It was tough. It was rough from the morning. Ithink I mentioned a little bit about what happenedthis morning last time.
Anyways, there was a date change closed, so firstI was wondering if there are any care facilitiesfor people with severe OCD.
I was thinking about looking it up, but I thinkhoping for something might be the thing humansfear the most. The bigger the hope, the scarier itis to actually have that hope.
I felt that when I was registered with a Swiss-assisted dying organization, being able to end mylife felt like hope to me, but I thought if thatdoesn't work out, I probably won't have anymotivation to keep going.
So this time, it's the same kind of thing. I haveto go into the hospital for a serious illness. Ihave to accept that.
And also accept that I have a serious illness, andI've been holding onto hope for more than 10, 15years that maybe I could live better. Holding ontohope that maybe something would change.
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But that hope just doesn't come. And if I letmyself feel hope in a weird way, if I get intothat habit, it's going to be painful wherever I gofrom here. It's going to be living hell.
I'd end up feeling like things can stay this way.
If I start looking things up with hope in myheart, I definitely can't stop there. I'd startlooking for more things. So I decided not to getinto that habit. I stopped looking things up.
Also today was tough changing clothes and wipingmy body down. After that, cutting my toenails likeI've talked about before. Just thinking about itgives me chills.
Thinking about how many months away the next timewill be. Every time I think things like maybetoday's a good time to do it.
So today I decided to just go ahead and cut mytoenails. And since routine change, checkingeverything is also a lot of work.
I changed my clothes and after I finished, cuttingmy big toenails took a really long time. And sinceI'm not doing my strength training or stretchingregularly, it was really hard on my body.
It was just a lot. Today it was tough. I asked fora full bag. I hated it, but it was only half ablock.
And my parents said they knew in their head it wassupposed to be a full block, but they only kepthalf a block cold. So they made a mistake, butthat part doesn't really matter.
What was worse was that when they realized thatmistake, she let out this really loud, surprisedvoice. And I was dazzling off.
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So I got startled. That was scarier.
I've talked to my parents about this many times.But Japanese WBC players, especially Otani, havereally heavy security around them.
But I told my parents, those guys are monsters.Nobody is going to attack them, even withoutsecurity.
The people who are really in trouble are the oneswho are poor and weak.
Because if something happens to them, they can'thire a lawyer, and they have no choice but to justcry themselves to sleep.
Those are people who have it harder. Also, Iwatched a voice of a celebrity giving birth, andit really made me think.
The pain she was in was probably about the same aswhen my stomach is really bad, stomach pain.
She got some relief from the pain, was able totalk a little, then looked like she was in painagain.
And the way she looked was exactly the same aswhen I get really intense stomach pain.
I think she said the pain lasted for four hours.Well, maybe it wasn't quite that long. Maybe theworst of it was a bit shorter.
I've had days where I was in pain for a whole dayor two, so I thought I probably experienced thatlevel of pain, the kind you feel when givingbirth, more than 300 times.
Right now, my parent is nearby, so it's okay, butwith childbirth, having a midwife or a doctor,that is what keeps your mind together.
And the same goes for me. Carrying this illness, Ireally think living alone would be too hard.
Also, if someone was a fan of this doctor, Ithought they'd probably have a really mixedfeeling.
But midwives and OBGYNs, with someone in that muchpain right in front of them, and all the risksinvolved, I thought that's a really incrediblejob.
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Also, I won't say this part because it's gross,but I just changed my clothes, and then, ofcourse, that happened right then.
Talk about bad time. And also, before, when I usedto take a bath, no way that's different when Iused to cut my nails before a bath.
It's a bit different now, but back then, becausemy schedule was so carefully mapped out,
I never forgot anything. But with all the changes,I forgot what I was supposed to do day to day.
Still, I checked everything in the house and on mybody, and figured out that I need to cut my toenails, cut my fingernails.
Normally, people do this without thinking, but Igot a bit lost and had to think it through.
Everything is set in summer, and then when itchanged to winter, things like the heater changed,sheets closed the window, the heater upstairs, thewindow in the next room.
The heater and window downstairs, and I just thinkhow much tea I drink.
All the chains that come with the season are on alist, and I go through and close them off one byone.
It's a lot of work. Before, cutting toenails wasevery three months, and everything had a setschedule cleaning on this day.
Cutting nails every this many weeks, changing thetoothbrush every this many weeks, and I used to doall of it before taking a bath.
Everything carefully planned out.
Also, Arashi is doing a concert at Sapporo Dome,and I was watching a video from the day before.
I was watching and thinking, are these ladiesgonna be okay starring tomorrow?
Someone I've been listening to on a podcastrecently also supported a southern idol, and theyare really passionate about it.
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I kinda get it, but I was wondering if theirhusband doesn't get jealous.
Well, I guess it's better than them cheating.Okay, next topic.
Also, I've been listening to podcasts lately, butthere's nothing to learn from them, nothing usefulto me.
Nothing that gives me anything to talk about, andthat's a little surprising to me, but also kind ofinteresting.
Well, I guess they just don't have anything elseto do.
I can do strength training easier, and lately I'vewanted to do it, but there's never been a timewhere I tried it and things went fine.
It always causes big problems. I hurt bones orjoints.
Also, I saw that seats' names from Esconfield areout, so I was checking those out.
Seeing things like that, thinking, well, that'sexpensive or that's pretty cheap.
That's cheap, I understand, but thinking, well,that's expensive.
It's also kind of fun if that's the same foreveryone.
I even surprised myself getting all worked uploudly, yelling that much and it's expensive.
Even I look back and wonder what's so fun aboutthat.
Also, there are times when I can't help but wishbad things on other people.
Well, just a tiny little bit, like maybe 1% of thetime.
The reason is, I guess, there's this instinctivewish that people would end up in the samesituation as me.
I wonder if that's the same for other people, too.
Well, I don't know. I'm just so incredibly alone.
Maybe I'm looking for people who are in the sameboat.
Also, I really regret not keeping a diary to talkabout on podcast.
I wonder how could I fix that.
Well, I guess it's not something I can fix now.
But I think it's because of that feeling that I'vebeen able to keep going for more than a year.
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And the religion I used to be in said things likefeeling regret leads to the growth of the soul.
That's a pretty odd thing. Totally spiritual, buthonestly, there's something to it.
No, wait. Feeling regret is a psychological term.
When there's something missing, you try to fillit.
It can be a driving force, but calling it thegrowth of the soul is completely twisted logic.
And I think that's a really unpleasant way tothink.
Some of the realists, it's very convenient way ofthinking, like a stretch.
Like pure superstition.
And why I think that is because I think in theexact same way.
The fact that regret can be a huge driving force.
The part I completely agree with, that's exactlywhy I know there's nothing more to it than that.
I get it because I was in religion. I understand.
But going back to what I said earlier, it'sprobably because of these 50 years that I'm ableto make this show.
Of course, because of these 50 years, I'm able totalk about these things.
But I also do wish I'd kept a diary.
Even if I had a diary, I'd only be talking aboutevents.
But I could at least written down my thoughts.
Ideally, the best thing would have been recordinga podcast from back then.
But also human memory.
The memories that get white written and stay withyou are actually really important.
I really believe that. That's what I believed andkept going with.
The things that stay in my memory like this, notvery happy ones.
In the case of Trauma, but the fact that they'vestayed with me means
Maybe there's something that lingers in them.
I'm recording at night now.
Humans are weird to maintain balance normally.
Humans are wired to maintain balance normally.
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I think for everyone, maintaining balance is adefault.
But I feel like balance gets romanticized toomuch.
Of course, biologically we are made to findbalance.
So the definition of balance is really complicatedand hard to explain.
Especially Japanese people with the idea of wabi-sabi.
They say that balance is important.
Sometimes that means holding contradictory ideasat the same time.
That's what they call balance.
And I don't think that's always a good thing.
Because it's contradictory after all.
But even if it's contradictory, it can sometimeshelp you.
Like I said earlier, I also have regrets.
But well, that's a small thing.
Life doesn't have meaning in the first place,thinking like that.
Raising the level of abstraction really high.
That's when it all becomes a mistake.
There's no more need for value judgment.
But maybe that's what humans have to do to keepgoing.
Maintain that balance.
And it comes down to mental strength.
I think the situation this time, going so far thatlife becomes completely unmanageable, is somethingto avoid.
But keeping the balance, making it convenient foryourself.
In my case, it's not really convenient.
It's more than nihilistic to begin with.
So I end up thinking that way.
Yeah, it's getting complicated.
So let me keep it simple.
Maintaining balance in the convenient way doesmake things easier.
Emotionally, but on the other hand,
you stop being hard on yourself.
I think there's also this thing where you fail atsomething.
But then think looking back on this later.
I'll probably laugh about it.
And you maintain balance that way.
I think that's getting romanticized way too much.
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If instead you face the fact seriously withoutthinking like that.
There are real benefits to doing that too.
Okay, next topic.
This is interesting.
Among a member of Nogizaka, I interacted with.
There were two people who grew up abroad.
And both of them just rarely clicked with me interms of how we think.
It's not that I completely click with Americanseither.
But I just out of sync with Japanese people, I don't click with anyone.
And you can kinda see it from that too.
I'm very different out of sync.
And I feel the sense of not fitting in.
Also, one idol has a really, really realist way ofthinking.
And I thought there are people out there like me.
All right, all right.
This is the person I talked about before.
Who's apparently really similar to me.
Yesterday, she saw someone practicing back walkovers way too much.
And said, you are overdoing it.
Your head must be spinning by now.
Normally, you wouldn't say something like that.
You'd say, well, you are walking so hard.
But that's so reality.
She probably wanted to point out that there arereal problems that come from over practicing.
I think Japanese music, even though it's from myown country, is kinda uncool.
And I listen to it because it's familiar to meover the years.
But just sports and various aspects of Japaneseculture now that I'm older.
I know you can't really rank things as better orworse.
But still, it just feels a bit uncool to me.
That cheering from Japanese fans and that wabi-sabi quality.
It just feels half-hearted to me.
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Half-hearted to me.
And I feel like it doesn't fit me.
It doesn't fit me.
Okay, so next is something about eating.
When I really try to focus on tasting the food.
It becomes like a gestalt collapse.
Gestalt collapse.
And I end up just poorly sensing the taste.
Just experiencing the flavor directly like anotheranimal would.
I'm probably concentrating too hard.
How do I put this?
Even the awareness of what food is this.
Kinda disappears and it's like there's no conceptat all.
Just the flavor being sent directly to my brain.
That's the problem.
Also today, during meal, I realized.
If my focus slips even a little.
I can't taste the food at all.
Anymore.
But humans are always subconsciously picking up onso many things.
If you are fully focused only on what's right infront of you.
That's actually dangerous for the living creature.
But for me, if my focus slips even slightly duringmeal.
I can't concentrate.
So it takes everything I've got.
Otherwise, I can't focus.
Okay, next topic.
Is it the host of the show?
No, the members praising each other.
There are these segments.
Whole idol members compliment each other.
And again, this ended up being about idols.
They were praising each other pretty seriously.
One of them started crying because she was sohappy.
And I was daydreaming about this.
The one doing the praising might have said.
The fact that you can cry like that.
That is itself wonderful.
Normally, even if someone really means it.
People can just accept it honestly.
But you were able to receive it sincerely.
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That itself is something special.
That was my little daydream.
I doubt the one who was crying was really similarto me.
Similar to me.
Normally, in this kind of segment.
People might make fun of someone for taking it tooseriously.
But this person just honestly and genuinely felthappy.
And I find myself thinking about things like this.
Without even realizing it.
Like during meals.
And today in the afternoon.
I kept thinking about podcast stuff.
And I just couldn't focus on what was in front ofme.
And that frustrated me.
Same as yesterday.
Also earlier was this capital.
I had something like an argument with AI.
Where it made a mistake.
And then told me it was my misunderstanding.
And it kind of turned into a little argument.
I thought do I really have to argue with an AItoo?
It gave me chills.
I thought AI was on my side.
I didn't think it should come to this.
Also thinking about someone from high school.
Not the girlfriend I always bring up.
But someone I used to walk to the bus stop with.
That comes to mind in my daydream a lot.
I wonder if I should compliment her.
And I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.
Thinking about how I couldn't talk to her on thebus.
Also as a parent.
My mom probably wished I would see my dad.
There are nothing I can do about it though.
No matter how much anyone complains.
That's just a reality.
I do pick up on the fact that my mom is probablyalways wishing that I'd meet with my dad.
But also there's a chance relatives and people Iknow are listening to this too.
And at first that scared me.
But thinking about it now.
I kind of hope they are.
So they are all kind of mixed feelings.
Different reasons for feeling that way.
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But I hope they are listening.
I think also earlier.
Even though I said I'd start recording the podcastsooner.
Which contradicts this part.
I bought a phone to record the podcast.
But I wonder if an IC recorder wouldn't be better.
Or if I got a phone too soon.
Or on the flip side I'd gotten it earlier.
I might have had too much fun with it.
And maybe things not going that way actually gotgood.
And that completely contradicts what I just said.
But I've been thinking about it.
I wonder if having a phone had made me enjoymyself too much.
Just that feeling.
Originally I was supposed to get it after goinginto the hospital.
So I've also been thinking what it would have beenlike.
If I never had a phone at all.
Also today I was listening to SMAP Orange.
I love the song.
The chord progression is really nice.
I think it's an album track.
Not a single aside.
But I really love it.
Also a video of people singing.
Mizaka's song at a choir contest.
And footage of Japan's WBC team practicing inMiami.
Police motorcycles reviving as they got on thepath.
And all those flashing lights too.
I actually thought that would be scarier.
Not safer.
Also I may have eaten too much soy.
Because even after changing my clothes.
There was still a smell.
Normally changing clothes.
Take care of it.
I'm not sure where the smell is coming from.
And today when I was cutting my toenails.
This never happened before.
But there was a strong smell.
Around that spot where I had cut on my footbefore.
Maybe there was some dirt in there.
Also Otani Shohei is 193cm.
And I was thinking the average height for abaseball player is probably at least.
Around 180cm.
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With 180 being the minimum.
And some below that too.
But then I noticed its height is totally differentfrom the other Japanese players.
Which struck me as odd.
And I've been thinking about it.
When something like that comes up.
It just kinda bother me.
Feeling frustrating like I can accept it.
But once I realized there's no point thinkingabout it.
I feel better.
Also I was curious why there are so manyforeigners.
Working as bungee jumping and skydivinginstructors.
And I was thinking I'd look into it after this.
Also apparently running feet first in bungeejumping is really dangerous.
Which means there are no time to be scared.
You really need to focus on running feet first.
That's what I was thinking about.
If it were me I wouldn't even have room to bescared.
Because running feet first sounds like it could beserious.
I don't have the luxury of being afraid.
I really can't understand why everyone is soscared.
Being that scared.
Well if your mind is unsettled.
You probably shouldn't be doing.
When I'm in a dangerous situation.
I tend to get pretty calm.
You do find people like that.
Sometimes like robots.
Not psychopaths.
Just calm.
Also today in that compliment segment I mentioned.
One of the girls that's mostly not for comedy.
Could only really say pretty standard basicthings.
And in a year I guess that kind of thing is just anatural talent.
On the flip side in a situation like that.
I can only say things that are too sharp orintense.
Maybe I should be a little more balanced.
But the way it is that thing.
Normal things doesn't lead anywhere.
And yes that's all some people can manage.
Just giving a regular compliment.
And on the flip side.
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The person I mentioned earlier who grew up abroad.
Well both of them grew up abroad in America.
And I guess things like American humor.
The kind they actually understand.
Probably makes more sense to them.
Japanese comedians.
I have no idea what's supposed to be funny aboutthem.
So things like election season.
Or when Apple released new product.
People going totally crazy over there.
They get that.
On the flip side.
Long lines for tapioca or ramen in Japan.
I completely don't understand.
Also near where I live.
There are some ridiculously overpriced place modelon food stores.
And what shocked me was.
The owner went to a cooking class.
Not to train seriously the chief.
But a cooking class.
Attended for two or three months.
And opened a restaurant.
There's not one doing the cooking themselves.
They developed a menu.
And they are few places like that.
Of course.
Somehow gone through.
Years of proper training.
But the price are insane.
And yet.
There are not bad reviews.
And they've been going for years.
It's incredibly quick.
I just can't wrap my head around it.
And I wish there was someone who understood what Imean.
But there isn't.
Also today.
I was looking at unagi from Esconfield.
Unagi.
And it was small.
Really small.
Just a tiny portion.
2000 yen.
But honestly.
Seeing something that extreme.
I was genuinely impressed today.
That's kind of great.
Actually like the size of an ice cream cup.
For 2000 yen.
Strangely I was moved by it.
Also a student taking the Hokkaido University.
And entrance exam was.
Talking about arashi who are idols.
Normally you just call them idols.
But this person called them.
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Renowned.
Musician.
And I thought.
Is this person ok?
That's taking it's way too far.
That's taking it's way too far.
Well I heard it's a Hokkaido University.
And it's not like you have to be.
Some super eccentric person to get in.
Well eccentric.
Edgy maybe.
Not sure what word to use.
But you don't have to be.
That kind of person.
To get in.
The score isn't that high.
Around 63 at most.
I don't know what department.
This person is going to into.
So I can say for sure.
But it's not crazy high.
And yet there was a teacher who went to.
Hokkaido University.
Very disliked.
And they talk about it so proudly.
Which really annoyed me.
It's not even.
That's hard to get in.
In Hokkaido it's treated like a big deal.
And it is a former imperial university.
Which does mean something.
But getting in itself isn't particularly hard.
Compared to Tokyo University.
Kyoto University.
Osaka University.
And like outside of those.
It's not easy but.
Even now I still don't really understand.
But all those people being interviewed.
The day before the Arashi concert.
They were all around the same age as Arashi.
Or maybe some younger people too.
But based on the interviews.
There were almost no younger young people.
Which was surprising.
There should be younger fans but.
Anyway this is just something.
I imagined a daydream.
Where the members of a male idol group say.
You might not believe this.
But I'm really doing this purely for the fans.
And I found myself actually wondering if that'strue.
For male idols over 3 or 40.
Some of them have families.
It's different from being young.
And I really wondered what it's like for them.
What they actually feel doing this.
When my parents have an argument.
42:02
My parents say something like.
Keep it down.
The neighbor can hear.
But in our house.
Ever since the people next door moved in.
They don't say that anymore.
So maybe just don't care.
What those neighbors think.
That's what I was wondering.
Or actually it's strange.
Why don't they say that anymore.
Like they used to.
That's what I keep thinking.
I honestly don't know.
I mean just arguing.
Between family members.
Probably isn't that much of.
Bother to the neighbor in the first place.
Also next topic.
Hypocritics.
Some people call out.
Others' behavior by calling them.
Hypocritics.
And I can understand.
Hypocritics.
In a way.
But that's just a kind of.
People there.
Because of people like that.
Others are being helped.
So people like that exist.
That's about how I feel.
People who do a lot of volunteering.
People who actively do good thing.
Honestly more than we think.
There are something behind it.
Some self in interest right.
But people who.
Genuinely do it for others.
I honestly can't quit understand that.
But there are this kind of unusual people.
Out there.
Because.
Ultimately.
Humans are proven.
To be selfish creatures.
Creatures.
So in that sense.
I kind of understand them.
As just being made a bit differently.
But I was watching TV today.
And there was a story about hotel.
Lowering.
Prices to support.
Students taking entrance exam.
People who do that.
Probably had a successful exam experience.
Themselves.
And so they wanna relive that feeling.
Of course that kind of feeling.
The energy to help support the.
Was right in front of you.
In a good thing.
I think I'm not sure about that person.
Specifically.
But I think that's often the case.
And that's why I think.
45:00
Cram school teachers.
Are proud of what they achieved.
Themselves.
Cram school teachers.
Talking to students.
On exam day.
Cheering them.
On the venue.
Watching that makes a feel.
Really uncomfortable.
I think they are probably.
Just projecting.
Their own path.
As the student.
That's fine.
But my own cram school teacher.
Really pushed all kind of things on us.
Not just being strict.
About studying.
But being really.
Eccentric in general.
Which I hated.
Saying things.
Like.
Extracurriculars are.
Meaningless.
And I think.
We know that.
We are doing them anyway.
So don't keep saying it.
That was a pretty shallow teacher.
A teacher with shallow things.
The words isn't that simple.
I really don't wanna.
Think about this teacher.
I will talk about.
My unique experience before.
So I won't.
Go into more details here.
But I am annoyed that.
They said things like.
Once you get to high school.
You can have fun.
That's kinda nonsense.
How long have I been talking.
Since I got into bed.
There was quite.
There was quite a bit to talk about.
I'm still not done.
There were more things.
I wanted to say.
But lately.
Time has been.
Going by fast.
And I feel like.
I'm spending it.
Without any purpose.
There are no right or wrong.
Answer to this.
But I find myself wondering.
Whether I'm doing the right thing.
Right now.
Whether I think this past year.
Has been the right thing.
Whether to change.
The podcast cover at every time.
I've been going back and forth on that.
And the.
Jingle too.
I've been going with the same.
Approach as before.
For the jingle.
But I was thinking.
If there's time to change the music.
Maybe I should spend that time.
On something else.
Also earlier.
There was a mistake.
In the English.
Conversation.
Session.
And it ended up.
Taking about 2 hours.
Normally.
It's changed in 3 minutes.
30 minutes.
That was really tough.
I managed to finish it.
48:01
But I wasted so much time.
Got exhausted.
And honestly.
It's been getting kind of.
Painful.
Recording late at night now.
Yesterday at our house.
I let the day go by.
But yesterday.
My parents were asleep at the.
Computer.
Playing around with it.
And then.
It doesn't go off.
I noticed right away.
I thought something.
Something was off.
When I'm not.
Downstairs.
They sometimes.
Fall asleep.
Like that.
They have that habit.
So I figured.
They must have.
Fallen asleep again.
And tomorrow.
I'm planning.
To tell my.
Parents.
That we can send a.
Complaint.
Related to the religion.
Anytime.
Also I was.
Thinking.
Do I actually have.
Severe OCD or not.
I'm not really sure.
I don't rely on my parents' help.
But once I'm hospitalized.
In the future.
I'll probably be able to manage.
On my own.
One thing.
I can say it.
Yesterday.
Today.
My parents.
Get my toothbrush.
And tissue for me.
That's because.
There are things.
I don't manage myself.
So there's nothing.
I can do about that.
In the ending.
I could be doing more.
On my own.
Even now.
It is that.
I'm not even.
Trying.
I'm not sure.
Or I also know that.
Forcing it could end up.
Causing more trouble.
Which is part of why.
Things are the way.
They are.
I do take care of.
What I can on my own.
But I'm not sure anymore.
Also about two hours.
On the one night.
I come downstairs.
Today.
My dad wasn't home.
So I could sound.
Down whenever.
And of course.
On a day like that.
Things.
Went fire.
Without any problems.
But luck.
I thought.
I've been.
Wondering about something.
For a while.
Monks.
Who do.
Aesthetic.
Training.
Basically.
According to the.
51:00
Teacher.
Teaching.
Is to move.
Away from suffering.
To not suffer.
That's the.
Textbook.
Explanation at least.
The religion.
Textbook.
Explanation.
Would be the.
Their training.
To avoid suffering.
But.
Wanting to.
Move away from.
Suffering.
Itself.
Desire.
Buddha said that.
Is.
If you're trying to.
Crime.
Criminate.
Suffering.
That's when.
Suffering is.
Created.
Of course.
But.
Also.
Presented.
Way to.
Eliminate.
Suffering.
Method to.
To do.
So.
Present.
Way to.
Eliminate.
Suffering.
Method.
To do.
So.
But.
Yeah.
I think.
The.
The simple.
Who took.
Took it.
At face.
But.
Face value.
Ended up.
With.
Misunderstanding.
Also.
I just look it up.
And physically.
Aesthetic.
Practice.
Is.
Apparently.
Done.
To reduce.
Desire.
To reduce.
Present.
Pleasure.
To do.
Something.
Physically.
Different.
Difficult.
That's the.
Purpose.
But.
With.
Desire.
Actually.
Gone down.
Goes down.
Biologically.
Speaking.
When you do.
Something.
Hard.
Right.
After.
The.
Sympathetic.
Nervous.
System.
Works.
More.
Strongly.
Appetite.
Might.
Go down.
But.
After.
Exercise.
Your.
Appetite.
Comes.
Back.
Doesn't it?
You get.
Hungry.
I think.
There are.
Deeper.
Religion.
Meaning.
To it.
But.
Either.
Way.
From a.
Religion.
Standpoint.
It's.
Not.
What.
Buddha.
Thought.
It's.
Something.
That.
Care.
After.
Only.
Religion.
Really.
I was bit.
Skeptical.
Buddha.
Himself.
Did.
Physical.
Training.
But.
It was just.
Part of.
The.
Process.
Of.
His.
Practice.
I think.
It's.
Simple.
Meant.
It.
The idea.
That.
Physical.
Aesthetic.
Training.
Reduces.
Desire.
I just.
Can't.
Understanding.
It.
There's.
No way.
They're.
They're.
True.
That's.
True.
And.
I'm always.
Wondered.
About.
It.
The idea.
That's.
Physical.
Practice.
Practice.
54:00
Helps you move.
Away.
From.
Suffering.
That's.
Which.
Itself.
Is.
Desire.
And.
Same.
Goes.
For.
Recalculating.
Cutting.
Things.
Out.
One.
By.
One.
That's.
Actually.
Feels.
Good.
Thinking.
That's.
Doing.
This.
Will.
Save.
You.
Isn't.
That's.
Itself.
Desire.
And.
That's.
Idea.
Idea.
Of.
Reducting.
Desire.
For.
Things.
And.
Wanting.
Wanting.
Earlier.
Life.
Through.
Physical.
Training.
But.
Wanting.
To.
Move.
Move.
Move.
Away.
From.
Suffering.
Is.
Itself.
Taking.
My.
Taking.
The.
Easy.
Way.
Out.
Still.
What.
Buddha.
Thought.
Was.
Not.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Thank you for listening.
Please.
Follow this program.
See you again.
contrast
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