00:01
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.Fighting alone, every single day. No one sees it,but I keep going. Slow is fine. Stopping is fine.Just move forward! Hikikomori Hero, stillstanding!
I realized that losing my best friend wassomething I should be much more sad about. Morethan anything, I should be sad about losing thatconnection, and I felt so much regret whilewatching videos today. Also at night, I can'tlisten to all the podcasts I want anyway, even ifI spend my whole life on it.
But if I try to narrow it down by adding rules,then that's too little. It's a hard balance that Ijust can't get right. So I'm not listening topodcasts, but I'm basically doing the same thingby watching Mogizaka videos or listening to theradio, just to kill time every day.
About people with brain traits who say exactlywhat they think and have a hard time with people,I really can't understand them. I had a partnerfor doubles who was like that, and everyone aroundhim hated him.
Those people are usually strong, so they don'tseem to care that people say bad things aboutthem. But I think it's just a matter of timebefore everyone leaves them. I'm the opposite. Icare too much, and I understand how others feeltoo well.
I could never just say whatever comes to my mind.I don't wanna be put in the same group as thembecause we're completely different. I don't wannabe around those people. I don't wanna be in thesame room, and I think it's natural that peoplehate them. It's beyond what I can imagine.
I really can't understand how they can just be sohonest and say things. I know I should try tounderstand them, but it's hard. People don'tunderstand these brain traits, and even I don'tunderstand this one.
03:17
I wrote something I like. It's a bit like welcometo the world with no meaning. It sounds a bitcruel, but then people might think it's only aboutdeep thinking. I have three main things, my lifeinside the house, not understanding the world, anddeep thinking. I'm trying to find what connectsthem so I can write the show name.
Two years ago, when I started this, other people'sshows had names that were just short words or didn't mean much. I feel silly for thinking about it.
For 10 hours, when some girls from Nogizakaprobably picked a name in 30 or 40 minutes for ashow they'll do for years, I'm thinking aboutmaking two shows, one for Japanese and one forEnglish, but that usually doesn't go well either.
I thought about using the word stoic in the name.In English, it means hiding your feelings, whichis a bit different from Japanese.
But I wonder if I'm really stoic. People have abad image of people who stay inside, so I want tochange that. I hate being put in the same group asothers, but people do that anyway.
The show description is important. I could showthe side of my story where I stayed inside becauseof the religion my parents were in. I could alsoshow how I became close to the world because ofit. It's all about how you show it. People's ideasare powerful, and how they see you.
Change everything. My show is about talking, but Idon't think of it as just small talk. There's acore to it.
Things I find strange or can't understand becauseI'm different, and the hard time I had because Istayed inside or because I left religion andbecame close to the world. These are all materialsto let people know who I am.
06:01
Each thing I talk about is just a material forthat. It's hard to tell people it's not justregular talking. I've been thinking about the showname. If I say, I've been inside for 20 years, itsounds heavy, but it might make people curiousabout my strange life.
I'm trying to find a way to show that it's a bitstrange but interesting without being too heavy. I'm jealous of writers. I wanna say it's like amovie. He left the religion and doesn't believe inanything.
But he's still alive. When does he keep going?This is his daily diary. If I say it like that, itmight be interesting without trying too hard. I'mrecording upstairs at night now.
About the show name, I feel like I'm trying tolive with no past in front of me. When I firststayed inside, I was meant to be studying, so Ididn't feel it as much. But after 2 or 3 years, Ididn't know what would happen.
My parents are getting older, so it's a fight tolive. I wanna put the fact that I'm talkinghonestly without any filters into the show name.This is a big point I'm already thrown away.
The idea of having a purpose or meaning in lifestill I'm alive and I'm broadcasting like this. Lately, I've been thinking that the person I recordthe podcast isn't clear either. It's almost notthere. Since life has no purpose, there's no wayrecording a podcast as well.
But I'm still doing it. And that future of theshow, I was having a silly daydream again. My highschool English teacher said that pronunciationdoesn't matter for exam, so we should just learnit during the class.
He said something like that. For some reason, Ithought about the while going to bed, about dinnerI was eating, but it's okay if I don't taste itperfectly. It sounds like I'm saying two differentthings, but as long as I feel like I'm tasting it,that's enough. I'm just watching myself eat.
But if I think too much about just watching, itfeels like something is missing. I feel like I'mnot enjoying the food. Also, the egg in the boileddish, the yellow part of the boiled egg melt intothe sauce my mind gets pulled toward that todaythe mayonnaise on the cabbage was a first-timedish, but it's flowed into the sauce.
09:25
My head was full of that, and I couldn't help it.Then dinner was over. Today's dinner was a newrecipe and very good. It had mayonnaise and sweetcooking wine, also sesame oil.
Pork and cabbage were good. It was good cabbage,and the pork was very thin. Maybe for shabu-shabu,but if I eat too much pork, I get a stomachache.Also, since the pork fat is in the sauce, I mightget a stomachache if I drink the sauce too.
Yesterday's boiled dish that tastes like tomatoalso tastes like tomato today. For the first bite,the radish from yesterday was good today too.
A little chicken and maybe a teeny bit of onion. I'm taking a break at night now, but I justremember something. Since I went to school in thecountry, the boys and girls were all like wildanimals or monkeys. I might have been too kind orpure.
Pure isn't quite the right word. Maybe there was aside of me like that. For example, if I said thankyou to my parents, the other boys would probablymake fun of me. It was far from that kind ofworld.
The reason I thought of this was split it away.When I watched that movie, I feel like the boysaround me back then could never understand why it's good. But more than that, when I watched it, myold feeling came back. I was pure back then, andcompared to those wild kids, I might have beenpure.
That's why I couldn't fit in with them. Like myexample, if you do something with a clear heart,people make fun of you. So you couldn't keep apure heart, but because I was like that, I wasable to be moved by that movie.
There are different stories about Chihiro, but shewasn't the only child. She had an older brotherwho died. But back then, I saw her as the onlychild like me. She saved her parents, and I seemyself in her and feel nostalgic.
12:19
I could never imagine my parents becoming likethat. But I understand Chihiro's feelings. The wayshe feels about her parents is something thatpeople around me wouldn't understand. During themovie, I could just focus and watch it. I wasremembering that.
I remember all the songs clearly. I'm listening toThe Name of Life and Summer's Day now, andmemories are coming back with the music. It was agood memory today. Usually, it's bad memory.
I'm recording now. I wanted to talk about the onething. I liked a band called Dragon Nash inschool. I still liked them. Even back then, Ialways felt alone and felt like I didn't belonganywhere. I had no friends, and I knew I wasdifferent. But I couldn't find anyone like me.
This band is hard to put in the group. You can'tpick one type of music for them. I think they dothat on purpose. I liked them because I also can'tbe put in the group, but when I was told my brainstraight words cannot be specified. I wasn'thappy.
Also, this band plays music that is different fromthe main style. It's not the kind of things thateveryone likes easily. I liked things that were abit strange or different. It's the same thing atthe core. Being different, I naturally liked thosethings. I realized that, so I'm talking about it.
Next, I thought the show name was finally decided,but people might get the wrong idea, so I threw itaway again. I tried to find one thing that is thesame in everything. I talk about, but I can't findit.
That's why I can't pick a name. Also, I wanted tosay this. My parents don't have strange bellybutton. They don't look poor. And I'm not short orfat, but in school, I was always one getting madefun of.
Like I always say, it's because I'm strange andpeople think they can say anything to me. Since Iwas a little kid, I was one people picked onbecause I was different. It made me so angry. Ishouldn't have been target.
15:16
I wasn't the typical type you see in TV shows, butit happened. I was remembering how angry that mademe. I'm recording in the morning. I had many daydreams today and I can't remember all of them.
I was daydreaming about two girls who are goodfriends and they get closer and closer until theyfall in love. They are idols who are very closeand it's nice to watch.
Yesterday, I used my phone until I was done doingpointless things. If I think too much about theshow name, my head hurts and I feel like I'm runout of things to do.
But I have to decide. It feels the same as when Iwas looking for the path in school or looking fora job. There's no path and I'm not even lookingfor one anymore. But time doesn't stop.
So I'm walking and pretending there's a path. Iread a news story about someone who skipped gradesto enter Chiba University. I didn't show Japan hadthat. Now he's a truck driver.
The story was about why that happened. He wantedto be a researcher but couldn't. So he gave up.There are many people like that who go touniversity but can't find a job. Because of mypersonality, I thought being a researcher wouldfit me.
I wanted to be one. But I learned about the jobproblems for researcher and I wondered if I shouldgive up or keep trying. I was looking for a way todo research while working.
Because of that, when I see people like him, I seetheir great love for science. It's such a wasteand I feel so sorry for them. For example, hisage, it's hard to find that job. He probably can'ttalk well with regular people and life must behard.
Also, when you follow an idol group, sometimessomeone becomes a center for a strange reason.Like she's from the same place as the older centerand has a similar look. If you make her the centerfor that, you might make a story.
18:10
But even at the audition, they pick people fortiny, strange reason. She'll be an idol for 10years and it might work at first but it's strange.You should pick based on dancing, singing, beingpopular.
Or if she fits the song, but they pick her becauseshe's from the same place and they can make thestory. Who cares where she's from? I really can'tbelieve it. Is this just a Japanese thing?
Also, I've been thinking. Why does everyone workso hard and get covered in match for schoolsports? I think people join because it's not coolto be in no club. They join the soccer clubbecause their friends do. That's so silly. Theyaren't trying to become professional.
They don't even wanna do it every day. They'rehappy when it rains and they lose their weekendwhen they'd rather be playing games at home.Middle school kids don't have a big belief fordoing that.
It's just because their friends are there. Or theycan't quit because it's hard to tell the coach. It's so silly but that's most Japanese people.
About the school festival in Japan, people say youshould do things seriously and also have fun. Ithought a school festival was for having fun butpeople thought I wasn't trying and the olderstudents hated me.
But if I do it very seriously, the people think I'm too serious. I didn't know what to do. I thinkit's my fault but I'm not good at that. It'simpossible for me to be serious and have fun witheveryone at the same time.
I think that's like a superpower. Also, I waslistening to music yesterday. I listened toMozart, Bach and the Dragon Ball song. I listenedto some people covering that song.
Also, I found a song that sounded like anothersong but I couldn't find what it was. I researchedfor Nogizaka songs sounded like Tsumapu songsalso. I listened to The Name of Life and OneSummer's Day from Spirited Away played on theflute and sung by a group.
21:13
I don't remember other Ghibli songs well but forsome reason, I remember all of them from SpiritedAway.
Thank you for listening. Please follow thisprogram. See you again.
