00:40
This year, mood and small misalignment aregenerally reminded that your everyday life is notalone.
Today was a day I had to change clothes, andsomething had been bothering me for a while.
My legs felt rough in some spots, and I wanted toclean it off.
I used many saline wipes, and it started bleeding,and it took a long time.
I spent more than 30 minutes doing that.
While doing that, I was also thinking about mypodcast.
The way I record had changed recently, and I hadsome new problems and confusing things again.
And I'm still struggling, because I stopped usingspraying.
I have a lot of mixed feelings.
I also worry about the future.
If I get hospitalized someday, people won'tunderstand if I say,
I can't take a bath because of depression or OCD.
And if something happens and I get a wound, I'mtoo stubborn to buy new glasses or deal with it.
I wonder what I would do.
I used to think maybe I could go into a carefacility, but that's not realistic.
Recently, I've been chatting on my phone about thefuture only once or twice.
03:02
But still, I looked up if there are facilities forOCD or for hikikomori.
I know they don't exist, but I still checked.
I feel like I'll be fighting loneliness for therest of my life.
I can't imagine myself being alive in this world10 years from now if I'm gonna be lonely anyway.
I wanna feel lonely first and then feel betterlater.
But life doesn't work like that.
Like I said, the fear of the future is always withme.
I'm worried about what will happen if I gethospitalized for my illness.
A lot happened today.
My luck with clock is bad.
The clock on the second floor probably needs newbatteries.
I was planning to change them soon, but I wantedto wait until the last moment.
Now the time is off, so maybe the battery isdying.
I can't change it myself.
My parents came to my room today.
Since it was the day to change clothes, I had theheater on a bit.
It was 30 minutes later than yesterday, so theroom was warmer.
I worried she might think if the second floor iswarm, then the first floor can be warm too.
And I didn't want that.
But timing again.
She walked in with slippers.
Which is fine, but I feel like dust might fly.
And like I've been talking about the podcastdescription.
I tried many things.
Tomorrow I'm gonna avoid focusing on tiny detailsand missing the big picture.
But because I'm a perfectionist, I end up stuffingtoo many keywords.
Before I would have broken down mentally, but nowI don't.
Maybe I've gotten older and softer.
In the end, I forgot something important.
It wasn't about the missing the big picture.
06:01
I forgot the most important thing.
The character limit.
I didn't think about it.
And like last time.
It was hard to cut the sports description part.
I spent the whole afternoon on that.
I felt like what was I doing.
I rushed to finish it today because I didn't wantto drag it out for days again.
Even though maybe I should split the podcast intotwo shows.
I also doubt about English.
I think people are clearly divided into those whocan pronounce well and those who can't.
I used to think fixing accent was just effort.
But maybe having good ears matter.
People who switch to standard Japanese quicklyprobably have good ears.
I stopped Spanish and I could think of it asfocusing on English instead.
But it's hard if I aim for perfection.
I'll destroy me.
It's destroying me.
I have to take as long as it's understood.
It's fine.
Approach.
Like I said before.
Mastering something and just learning.
It's totally different.
It can take 2-3 weeks or 1 million hours.
Someone said that in TED talk too.
That's how different it is.
So aiming for perfection halfway is wrong.
I can't balance it emotionally.
I don't think my pronunciation will improve much.
It's like driving.
You don't get better just by driving hundreds orthousands of kilometers.
And like I said earlier.
When I was cleaning my legs.
I felt like dust was flying.
I asked my mother.
Does dust fly like that?
During lunch I felt a strange smell.
09:01
And it made me uncomfortable.
I didn't need to clean it today.
A dirt would come off in summer.
Even throw a pant.
Even throw a towel.
I regret doing it.
I thought maybe I should wipe around my mouthbetter.
I cleaned my nose well though.
I was thinking about that.
And tofu.
Next.
And tofu.
I finally found a good way to eat it.
But the smell of long tofu bothered me.
Lately the smell of soybeans bothered me.
But timing was errors.
Oh I saw video of Ohtani coming to Japan for WBC.
And the crowd at the station.
And the cable to connect the computer.
And printer arrived by Korea.
And we talked about why.
My parent cleaned a bit after I changed clothes.
We talked about why it took so long.
We talked a lot this afternoon.
And like I said.
I changed the podcast description.
When I watch TV shows.
I always think the director is telling them how toact.
Not exactly fake.
But guided.
I wish I could just enjoy that entertainment.
I used to think lamb meat was game meat.
I checked online and found nothing like that.
But I swear I heard people said.
Lamb is game meat.
It feel like I experienced a smell.
A small disappearance.
I thought didn't I hear that before.
I know I didn't mishear.
Maybe lamb is farmed.
But feels like game meat.
Because it's different from common meat.
Some people call all fish cake kamaboko.
But I don't know how correct that is.
12:00
If ducks are farmed.
It's still game meat.
I hate confusing things.
But the worst for me is.
When something shouldn't be confusing.
When something is supposed to be simple.
I want it to stay perfectly simple.
A little complexity is fine.
But too much too annoying.
English has tortured me since school.
People say native.
But native just mean it's their first language.
But American and British English are totallydifferent.
I realized that the closer you get to AmericanEnglish.
The further you get from British English.
If you try not be understood by one side.
You become less understood by the other.
I noticed these things.
But no one write about them or said them onYouTube.
I just noticed them.
So there's no real standard.
Maybe there's something for the majority.
But the goal is basically imaginary.
Teachers might say things for business reason.
But learners suffer because there's no real goal.
If you get closer to one.
You get further from another.
It's not a tiny detail.
And like I said before.
If you speak exactly like a textbook.
It sounds weird.
But if you try not much native speakers.
Older people might end up using young slang andsound strange.
English indication is chaotic.
Opinions are all over the place.
It's not that I don't know what to believe.
I can't believe anything.
I'm recording from bed right now.
It's lazy.
But I can't break my routine.
After meals, I sleep right away.
15:00
During meals, I start imagining things.
Not because I'm bored.
I'm focused.
But I still imagine things.
Earlier, I imagined a famous person with securityguard.
Like an athlete or celebrity.
Alternately has security.
I wondered if he knows he has security.
Or if he requests it.
Or he just notices people around here.
During meals, I remembered when I was put into asoftball game.
Because they needed players.
It was my dad's team.
A teacher from my elementary school was there.
I imagined saying.
Did my dad ask you to come?
Sorry about that.
But I'm glad I got to see you again.
I imagined that conversation.
When I enjoy something, normally, like watching avideo,
I later realize I remember nothing.
But if I try to focus and remember,
I feel like a robot scanning data.
It doesn't work.
During meals, it's even more complicated.
The more I try to focus on the taste,
the more my mind glitches.
This is spicy, not oily, but sweet.
My brain glitches when the taste isn't what Iexpected.
I panic, so I try to focus.
But the more I focus, the more my mind leaves.
If my parents do something during meals,
or something is placed differently,
or there's a sound,
I think everyone can judge if it's dangerous ornot.
It takes a tiny fraction of a second.
But for me, during meals, I can only choose one.
Focus on the sound or focus on the food.
If I focus on the food, I have to judge dangerlater.
But if I remember, I have to judge later.
I can't focus on eating, so I can't judge likeothers.
But I can't judge whether I judged correctly.
Any change makes me anxious to erase that anxiety.
18:01
I have to focus extremely hard.
I've been telling myself this for more than 10years,
but it's still hard.
Suddenly change the topic.
But I was thinking about my life.
No matter how close I was to fainting in a sauna,
or how painful marathon training was,
I could handle it.
I could handle it,
because human relationships were much worse.
Thinking about them makes me shiver.
Science experiment, everything.
Science experiment, experiment club, everything.
Even being with relatives made me tense.
Earlier I felt sorry because I needed my parentsto hand me sanitizing wipes while I cleaned mylegs.
It took time and I felt bad.
I finally settled the podcast title anddescription for now.
But now I'm struggling with cover art.
I might keep struggling.
Art things are dangerous for me.
Once I start, it becomes a huge problem.
I didn't have the sense for it.
I saw Otani practicing battles.
All the players chosen for WBC are elite.
But his sense is on another level.
If I were one of the other players, I feel bad.
Next is Hikimeshi.
Yesterday I had rain corn.
It's very sweet.
And good texture.
And crooked.
It was good taste.
Thank you for listening.
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Thank you.
