00:10
I'm recording right now. I was watching the 3rdHarry Potter movie again today.
Afterward, I got curious and looked up the mainactor. Turned out he was this developmental traitcalled Developmental Coordination Disorder, and hegot diagnosed with it.
He had a very hard time at school because helooked for a place to fit in outside of school andtried out for acting, which is how he became anactor.
You see, just with a little idol or two, somepeople with developmental traits just make itwork. They are still part of the same society, butwhile you don't really hear about them doing wellin regular jobs, they do well in show business orsports.
I guess it's the art world. I don't know, but somepeople find their spot in artsy things and make itwork, but when you really think about it, it'spretty strange.
Like I said, they are living in the exact samesociety, and even in the art world, you still haveto deal with people, but seeing how they get by,it makes me think that if you are lucky, you canstill get things done and hold down a job evenwith this trait.
But this guy ended up struggling with alcohol. It's not strictly because it's his trait, but there's really no point in being other people.
I think you can just look at life as an equalexchange. Every life has the exact same value. Ican't say that for sure because honestly, life hasno real value to begin with.
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Also, the kid from home alone made a huge amountof money, and all that wealth got him into badhabits and trouble. I heard about that before, butlooking it up again today, it sounds like he wentthrough a really rough time.
This happened way too much. Take NBA or NFLplayers from what I heard. This is just what Iheard. 90% of them go broke. It sounds crazy, butthey get caught up in money trouble all the time.
Seeing that stuff makes me feel like being richdoesn't bring anything good. It might sound toosimple, but I really don't think it's worth it. Idon't envy them at all. I'm sure some people canhandle having money, but the number of people whoactually can is tiny.
Now I'll talk about what happened today. I waswatching Harry Potter and realized some peoplereally looked up to Abel. Some people just endedup that way, but others actually admire it. Iwondered why.
But Abel is just a tricky word. There are so manydifferent feelings packed behind it. Besides, ifyou think about whether Abel even exists, it mightbe rare as a concept, but humans just picked thisword for good and bad to make things simple.
To me, it feels completely meaningless. It's notlike good and evil are fighting each other. Thereare two sides of the same coin. They feel like thesame thing, and thinking about it is a waste oftime. So it's not weird at all.
If someone likes Abel, even if it feels strange toregular people, according to behavior, geneticpeople who break social rules are just weird andaway from birth.
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Thirdly, you just have to accept that these peopleexist. You can't figure out why, but you just haveto understand that some guys are gonna do badthings.
Moving on to the next thing, watching Harry Pottermade me think about movies in Japan. Movies showghosts and gods, but when you watch stuff fromother countries, it's completely different inAmerica.
In America, it's Chainsaws, and in the UK, it's D.Vail. Every country is its own thing, and thedifferences are huge. Are they all trying to showthe same invisible thing in different ways, if youlook at it that way?
Then why are they so totally different? That'sright, there are proofs, it's just a daydream, atotal illusion. The people making them see thesethings so clearly in their head, people who seeghosts can draw them with their imagination.
And when they watch these movies, they don't findit strange at all, they just think, yeah, that's aghost. That's a proof. Because they are drawingsomething that isn't real, you get a completelydifferent version.
Depending on the country, it's nothing but proofthat it's all a fantasy.
Let's move right to the next thing. For someonelike me, who struggles to feel meaning, I have todo things a certain way.
Even with this podcast and with my food for 70years, I forced myself to just focus on eating. Idon't watch TV, and I don't let myself think aboutrandom things where maybe thoughts still pop up.
I've been doing this podcast for two years now,and keeping it going takes a ton of work for mesince I don't feel meaning easily.
Because I don't think life has any absolutemeaning, I have to use these tricks. What I'mdoing is cruising up in any gaps so the noise can't get in.
That voice is asking, what's the point of doingthis? So I just focus. But when I say focus, it'snot that intense, hyper focus.
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I talked about this in the last episode with thepodcast. I put all my focus on this one spot. Idon't use SNS to share things or talk to people.
Even if I look at it, it's just a tool to push theshow. I'm torn right now. But I kept myself frommaking more shows and just stuck to this one.
There was a light movie moving on again. But whenI'm eating, the amount of food I put in my mouthis already set. Of course, there's no officialrule for more amount, but my body has its ownquiet rule built in.
My body remembers it and just does it. But if Itry to change my mindset a little bit, this is aconscious choice.
Like if I think maybe I'll eat a bit more todayand put more in my mouth, everything breaks down.The whole thing falls apart. You really can'tbreak the rules. The order just gets destroyed.
The real issue is that it shakes up my feelingstoo much and I lose my peace of mind. Doing thingsin this exact order is what keeps me feeling safe.It also keeps out this intrusive thought andanxiety about what things mean.
Like I mentioned before, I don't explicitly thinkabout the goal while doing it, but that's thereason right now. My actions are done to theabsolute bare minimum drive. There's no reason forit.
No big goal. It just happens naturally. It mightsound like I'm trying to look cool, but I bet Iget along great with a samurai. I'm not planningthings out. I just live by making the absolutebare minimum movement.
I'm not trying to say I'm some minimalist guy oranything. Also, there's something I've beenmeaning to talk about since yesterday, but I keptforgetting. It's over and over.
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You think human action is just about what youchoose to do in the moment, but the feeling youcarry leading up to it matters a lot. It's notabout planning or learning simulation. It's aboutthe weight of the thought and emotion you addbefore the action.
For example, when you face something while feelingmassive regret, you'll put out an insane amount ofenergy even if the actual physical movement looksexactly the same.
Nothing changes on the outside, but the time spentthinking and feeling before you act completelychanges the outcome. It's strange. I doubt I'm theonly one who feels this way, but this is reallyhard to explain clearly.
It's not about getting ready or practicing in yourhead. I can't think of a specific example rightnow.
By the way, like I always say, the idea that ourconscious mind moves first is a lie. The braingets the action ready before the mind even works.
Coincidence? Consciousness just attacks longafter. In that sense, it's strange to thinkconsciousness comes last. This is getting toocomplicated, so let's move on.
Anyway, the Harry Potter actor is Daniel Radcliffe. He has this developmental trait. He's anonly child, just like me. One man is big, theother is just an only child. That's just howthings go.
But like I said, I've seen all kinds of people,and life can fall apart in a second like a roll ofdice. You never know what's gonna happen.
But the moment I think my life is finally goingsmoothly, I guess I must relax the drama. Cause Iimmediately start thinking about bad things. Ilook at the future and get this total feeling ofdespair.
Falling into despair would actually be easier if Icould just give up and stop caring. That would benice. But going back to what I said before.
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Like trying too hard to fall asleep keeps youawake. Or trying too hard to focus on your foodmakes you lose your taste. This might be similar.
Don't you guys ever think to yourselves in theafternoon, today was fun. Or just look back at thewhole day and feel good. You might think lunchwith my friend this morning was fun, or I was sobusy cleaning this morning.
I think most of that is wrong. Even if you're goodat looking at yourself objectively, it doesn'tchange anything. Even if you're great at that, it's the same.
For me, when I'm recording the English episode orworking on the short titles, I don't actively feelpain while doing it. But looking at the fact I'mstaring at the screen, coming up with ideas,putting them down and wiping them out,
my brain and my mind must be completely wiped outso it has to be painful but I don't notice it inthe moment even though it really is hard.
Because I'm totally focused if I run out of thingsto do. That's when things get truly painful. Timejust drags on. So when I look back later and thinkthat morning was rough, I'm just fabricating thatfeeling.
I have no real way of knowing if it was actuallyharder than usual. You might think that since it'shappening right now, I should know if it's painfulor not.
But when you're focused and what's right in frontof you, you can't revel it like that. If you tryto watch yourself objectively, you lose your focusand once you look, you start wondering,
Am I having a hard time right now? Am I tired? Butthe moment you do that, you aren't focusedanymore. So your feelings are completely differentfrom that focused state even if your body isexhausted.
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Being focused can make you feel like you aren'ttired at all. But looking back, it's obvious thatwhen I have nothing to do and tons of free time,my body and mind are much more relaxed.
Yet that open space is exactly when I feel lousyand looking back later, I just think there was amiserable time with nothing to do. That's why Isay it's misunderstand. Looking back to judge howyou felt it's pointless, we just put names likepleasure or pain or human emotions anyway.
Thinking about whether an action brings pleasureor pain doesn't mean anything. In that case, evenwhen I think I like or dislike someone, since it'sabout myself, I might not actually know the truth.
It happens all the time. You think you hatesomething but you actually like it. Also, I tryreally hard not to make value judgment. It's notbecause I wanna be a good person and it's not outof a sense of justice.
Avoiding value judgment is just my baseline, but Ithink it's fine to have likes and dislikes. Istill have taste and interest if you listen to mylast episode about FIT. You'll see how it'sconnect when I'm thinking about show titles.
I'm pretty nihilistic at regular nihilist, loseall interest in everything. For me, my sense don'tgo numb. They stay incredibly sharp, becoming nihilistic, just me.
I stopped judging things as good or bad. That partis true for me. I stopped judging, but that didn'tmake my mood sensitively go numb. It's not like Idon't care about anything and I don't really thinkthings are bad either.
Moving on, this is just like what happened theother day. Today, the amount of tofu my mothertalked about looked completely different from whatI thought and when I asked how it turned out, Icompletely misunderstood her. It was a mistake alittle kid I don't even make.
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Once I asked, I got angry, but I wonder why I keepmaking this dumb mistake when I'm usually so uptight, but every little detail, weird slip-upsjust happen.
They say truth is stranger than fiction, but it'snot the world around me. It's my own brain that'sstrange. I guess I can't help it with my trait.Also, I didn't feel anything watching the nightview from Mt. Hakodate. I remember it clearly, andI don't remember being moved at all.
Today on the radio, someone was talking about howbeautiful it was, and it made me realize again howdetached my sensitivity is from regular peopletoday.
Instead of feeling lonely, I felt this urge to fixmy broken perspective even though I know it'simpossible. I'm just trying to make sense of thiswhole situation.
Also, I looked up differences between NationalHealth Insurance Clinic in town and regularhospital, but I couldn't figure it out. I searchedfor a while, and maybe I got it, or maybe I didn't. That's about it.
Also, I get deja vu once every three days since Ido the exact same thing every day. I guess itmakes sense, but it's still weird, and when it'shappened, I don't just think,
oh, deja vu. It's instantly linked to the darkfeeling that something terrible is about to happennext. They're completely tired together. It'spain. I'm sure it's just an obsessive thought.
Also, in the morning, I told myself I won't recordthe English episode, but I decided to do itanyway. I go back and forth whether to skip it orrecord it. Like I said two episodes ago, thattrick I use.
But if I try to make things efficient and lockdownare legit rules, they end up different fromyesterday. Yesterday, I decided to record, thenchanged my mind, then decided to do it after all.
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If I break that messy cycle and change the habit,everything goes wrong, to be precise, whensomething bad happens. I blame it on the change,but making the change really does raise the chanceof running into trouble.
That's why I can't change it. It all comes down toluck anyway. So it's not like staying the same isinherently bad. It's not now. Like I said twoepisodes ago, I haven't been able to see myfather. I feel guilty about it.
But at the same time, I feel like I'll just gethurt and betrayed again if I do. I go back andforth between these feelings. I know how it goes.
So I feel like my past self is betraying me andlying to me, too. That's why I try not to take aside with either Brazil and myself. Now for aweird daydream.
I wondered what happens when a sports playerbecomes a coach after it's losing. So theyprobably prefer being the star rather thanwatching their junior do well. They know howbrutally hard it is for the team to win.
I'm sure nobody actually thinks that way, but as atheory, it makes sense to me.
Also, when a sports game cut at the Nogizaka show,I wondered what the perfect response is for Nogizaka fans who also like sports.
Should they get mad? Or should they be veryslight? I decided that just being purely upset isthe most honest answer. Thinking about it now, Idon't know why I'm dissecting such pointlessstuff.
But I was caught up in this weird speculation.Also, I'll think of something to say on thepodcast, but five minutes later, when I try torecord it, I usually forget it completely. Then Ihave to spend all this energy trying to pull itback.
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I have zero confidence in my memory. I've beenlike this since school. There's a TV show thattests your IQ with short-term memory quiz. I cando them all. I have a massive mental block againstthem.
Also, watching Harry Potter, there are so manyparts that look exactly like a Hayao Miyazakimovie. It's probably just a quickness, but I can'tstop noticing it. I get excited on these tinythings. I get obsessed without even realizing it.
The Harry Potter actor Radcliffe is the only onewith a movement trait, and it apparently givessevere headache to its maid. May realize that mydevelopmental traits must be tied to my physicalbody as well.
Sounds like his headaches are awful and last forweeks, but I guess people just end up likingwhatever they're stuck with. About dinner today,it was that Chinese dish, double cooked pork.
At our house, we just use cabbage and pork. Also,I finally remember the taste of the beef stroganoff I used to eat over 10 years ago. I've beentrying to remember it since I talked about it ayear ago.
And today, it finally came back. Also, I washaving the exact same daydream during dinner aboutthat male idol group I talked about a year ago.
They split up, but met again after a long time.And even though they had a bad falling out, theycried and said they're happy to see each otherbecause they were lonely.
Also, the croquette from yesterday tastedcompletely different from the one today. It wasstill good, though like I said yesterday, I don'tget how the same supermarket can make things tasteso totally different.
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Yesterday's croquette felt completely handmadejust like what you'd make at home, but today'staste was different. The inside had onions andthey used potato starch to make it super crispy.Potato starch is amazing, but the carbs are waytoo high.
When I watch Harry Potter or mystery shows, Ialways end up dissecting everything using my brainlike this. It just makes me tired, which feelsstupid, but if I don't wanna do something, Iobviously want to do it.
But if it's something I wanna do, I'll do it nomatter how tired it makes me. At the very least,it's already become a set habit, so changing myhabit is out of the question.
Once a habit is locked in, I can't mess with it. Ithink I talked about this last time, but eventrying to change it is like searching for meaning,so I can't do it.
I'm not trying hard to leave. I just woke up andfound myself here. Before I knew it so many years,in the past, I don't have any real meaning forliving inside me. I just realized I was stuckhere.
That reminds me, my childhood friend's parentscame over for religious reasons, and I think Italked about this before. Our family reallytrusted them, but back then, I was only worriedabout how they were judging me.
I kept thinking I should've just told them that it's under their dream, and obviously I didn't needto say it, but I should've said,
Please go easy on me. You guys are so perfect thatit just makes me terrified of how I look to you.But at the time, my mother was just apologizingand saying,
I hope my kids isn't causing you trouble. Oh, Ijust remembered what I wanted to say about dinner.I saw Roma and Juliet on TV today. Someonementioned a woman playing Romeo. Everyone burstout laughing, but I couldn't understand the jokeat all.
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I didn't even know Romeo was a guy and Juliet wasa girl. I felt so out of the loop, but honestly,the whole concept of one being a man and one beinga woman didn't even register in my head.
Even when I say their faces don't register as maleor female to me, also I still don't get thedifference between a bar, a snack bar, and a pub.I was just brooding over it by myself.
Also, I ended up recording the English episodethis morning even though I planned not to becauseI was busy with other stuff. I'm always busy andmy head is always about to blow up.
I really just wanna cool my brain down. While itwas good that I got it down in the morning, butusually doing it early just makes me feelmiserable later. That's exactly what happenedtoday. I got it down early, but it didn't make mefeel like I could relax afterward.
My plan was to look down the show title today, soI figured I'll handle it in the afternoon, but Ijust ended up dragging my feet and overthinkingit. I always regret it when that happens. Italmost always happens.
Also, I looked up cocktail and it said it's justalcohol mixed with something else, but regulardrinks are almost all mixed anyway.
So by definition, basically every drink becomes acocktail. I can't get part, that's that, and I don't really get raw malt better either.
Though it's been on my mind for a while, I don'teven drink, but I still get curious about it. Whydon't they make more varieties of beer when everydrink is every day? I looked it up.
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I found out there are different types, but peoplealways just buy the exact same type from theirfavorite brand. Just two or three main kinds, andthe baseline is basically the same.
I bet there's nobody else who doesn't drinkalcohol but spends this much time thinking aboutbeer. Also, when I dissect a drama, I have to lookup every single thing that bothers me.
Like, why a salon event happened? I wonder howother people handle it. Do they just catch onnaturally or do they just not care? Do they justlook at it and figure?
It's probably something like that. Withoutsearching for a reason, maybe they don't evenquestion it. Maybe they just think, oh, theyhappen to be there, or they just happen to dothat.
Yesterday and the day before, I kept thinking thateven if I understand the plot perfectly, what'sthe point? Sure, you need to catch the setup sinceit's a series, but it makes me feel like, what amI even doing this for?
Also, in the movies, especially Harry Potter, theyexplain things in a way that's incredibly easy toforget. A lot of mysteries do this too, usingsubtle tricks to make the audience catch on.
Harry Potter doesn't spread everything out, but itmakes me wonder if I'm just looking at it toocritically. I don't think that's it.
But even if they explain in detail, I startquestioning if there's any actual proof tryingthat explanation to what just happened in thisthird Harry Potter movie.
During the time travel scene, they go back andsave someone, but they were already meant to savethem from the start. They changed a few things inthe past, but those changes were already part ofthe timeline.
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They didn't change A to B. B was already the setreality. I feel like the real world works theexact same way. We think we have free will andchoice that we can choose A or B, but that's theexact same misunderstanding.
It's already set that you're gonna choose A, justlike what I said before. You think you're changingthings and choosing through your own free will,but you can't help but feel that choice is just amisunderstanding.
The more you learn about humans, the more yourealize that stuff is an illusion. Free will justfeels like a trick of the mind. The big mistake isthat people think they can decide everything withtheir own free will. You can't completely disproveit.
But it's not like a side is definitely righteither. In the real world, we think our free willgives us multiple paths and different ways tobelieve. We think we have the right to choose, andthat's when we make a choice and create acompletely different timeline.
But that kind of alternate world doesn't exist atall. Time just flows straight from the future tothis exact spot, and there's only that one sidepath. It doesn't split down the middle.
That means even though we feel like we're choosingfrom path A and A, B, C, and D, we aren't actuallypicking the path out of the bunch of options. It'shard to grasp this with just your head. Ifeverything is already set, then it doesn't matterwhat I do.
It's also wrong the idea of what if applies to thepresent, not just the past. Thinking that I had anoption to choose B is just a what if story.Thinking that way about the past or the present isalways what if.
Philosophically speaking, there's a view thatsince your brain is comparing A and B, you do havechoices. There's also the idea of determinationthat's based on everything that's happened in thephysical world up to now.
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The future can already be calculated, meaning it'salready set. We still can't say for sure whichside is right. It's a tough problem. But withhumans, we assume our will is what drives us.
But if you look at humans as just another objectin the universe, you can't rule out determination.The brain itself is just a physical object made ofthe exact same particles, so it's not anexception.
Brain science experiments show that instead ofthinking of multiple futures, the conscious mindisn't even involved right before a decision ismade.
That's usually how it goes according to the data.Humans are animals too. After all, if you wonderwhether having a will makes us different fromother animals, the truth is we are just trickingourselves.
Thinking we are one, our consciousness isn'tactually causing the action. The only differenceis that our brain plays a trick on us, making usfeel like our conscious mind is the same ascalling this shot and making us move.
When I went downstairs to use the bathroomearlier, my shoulder bumped into someone in thehallway. This happens all the time, but it's theright spot where you are bound to brush againstthings, and we made contact.
After that, I tried really hard not to let myshoulder touch my blanket, but it got so freezingcold that I just gave up. You have to be socareful with this stuff. I used to force myselfnot to touch the blanket before too.
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But you know, I listened to a song I thought wasamazing 20 years ago. I hadn't been able to findit for the longest time, but when I finally heardit again recently, it's weird back then I lovedit, but hearing it now, it's really nothingspecial.
Memory just cleans things up and makes them lookbetter than they were. Also, I was thinking aboutwhat's completely missing from my life, and Irealized it's affection.
They say people with Asperger's trait have aharder time picking up affection, but it's juststrange. I've been sitting here trying to figureout why I lived my whole life without feeling asingle bit of love from my parents, but I stilldon't get it.
I'm sure both sides have their problems, and everyfamily has its baggage, but I doubt there's anyother house with boys that absolutely don't feelany affection at all.
Also, I figure this setting, Harry Potter today,was gonna turn into a nightmare because it wasgetting complicated, but it actually wrapped uppretty quickly. Still, I feel like it couldn't bethat simple, so I spent a long time looking thingsup anyway.
I was planning to change my clothes, but I couldn't sleep at all, and my whole schedule got thrownoff. I really wanna avoid making valid judgments.
I don't wanna judge things based on value, but theway the human brain is built is constantly makingchoices like computers. It's subconsciouslypicking between A and B all the time based on yourpast experience and deciding which one has morevalue.
So, no matter what my personal philosophy is, mybrain is forced to make value judgments anyway.That means you can't just erase your value, and Iknow that it's just another weird thing, but beinga human, I'll talk about this next, but you can'tsay it's completely locked in either.
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It goes back to that little bit experiment Ialways bring up. The brain activity preparationhappens subconsciously first, and the consciousawareness that you made a choice comes afterward.
It feels like our consciousness is just observing,like you're sitting inside a robot watching thingshappen. It's more of an observer than a decisionmaker. That's not completely wrong, though thereare times when it doesn't work that way.
But how we interpret this is still beingresearched. I always catch onto this when I'meating, calling it a realization sound to grant,but in this moment, I'm usually not thinking aboutwhich food to pick next.
Sometimes I am, but even when I am, I get thisfeeling that the choice was already made before Iconsciously thought about it. That turned out tobe right.
The morning inside my brain already happened, thechoice is made, everything up to that point iscompletely subconscious, and the conscious mind isjust watching the result clear.
I thought about this rudely before, but it's how Ilive, so it's completely automatic. It's onlyabout 1% of everything you can make consciouschange.
It's your long-term plans, like a broad structureof your life, but even then, who knows?Personally, I don't think where free will isworking at all either, but the brain just tricksitself into thinking, I made this decision.
This happens because the brain is willing tocreate explanations, that's how science movesforward. We want to explain how the world works,religion grew, because people want to know whythey live and find an explanation.
The brain is just built that way. Humans have thisneed to integrate things, but to put all theparallel processing in the brain together into asingle person, and that's when the ego startsworking.
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All these different things are happening acrossyour body at the exact same time, but you have toframe it as this single consciousness called me ispulling the strings.
Humans do incredibly complex things, even justworking feels like a conscious choice, but it'salmost entirely automatic, that's amisunderstanding.
And we only trick ourselves because we have thisego, to sum it up, we are just adding meaningafter the fact. We tell ourselves, I did this forthis reason, but that's just a post hoc reportwhich builds the story after we already acted.
The human drive to find meaning or reason for whatwe do comes down to this. We are weird to addmeaning, but it's completely automatic. This habitof building stories, it's just like the sciencething.
I mentioned we built these extra stories and addway too much meaning, which is why I always try toavoid it. I always say, you can stop building thisnarrative like, because this happened, I turn outthis way, but your mind automatically falls intothat way of thinking anyway.
Looking at how recent news stories get reported,they always blame the crime and the fact that theperson wasn't biologically related to theirfamily.
When you hear that, you wonder what kind of kidswho aren't related to their parents think. Whenthis is the news, I know people in that situationtoo.
What I guess is that there was an actual reasongiven. You can't help it. I started putting myselfin their shoes for a bit. Now about perfectionism,I just realized something.
Being a perfectionist means you're searching formeaning, you're feeling meaning somewhere. Maybebecause you don't feel meaning in your life, you're desperately trying to find it.
But it's not like it, because any terriblebacklash, though it does get extreme, sometimesthe recoil from it is pretty massive, because itleaves you feeling like, what was I even doing?
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That's why I keep writing and scrapping the show'stitle and description over and over. I've done itso many times over the past six months. Everysingle time, it's free with me.
Wondering what's the point of all that work, butthe stuff I'm talking about is a pretty cold wayof looking at things, saying there's no free will.
Or pushing determination. Determinism is a reallydetached perspective. If you thought about thatduring your daily life, you go crazy and couldn'tfunction.
To keep that from flooding into my head, I stayintensely busy with my daily routine. If you buildthat habit, that intrusive thought naturallydisappears.
Assuming, assuming, assuming, you can look in thehabit. I mentioned I don't feel any affection, butit's not like, well, I was just remembering thefirst Harry Potter movie where the main charactergetting his parental love is the ultimate dream.
But when I watch that, I don't feel jealous atall, and if you ask whatever, that's because Ireceived plenty of love myself. I can completelyrule that out.
I might not know much about myself, but that's apart I can say for absolute sure. Still, I'm thetype to get lonely, so it's not like I'mcompletely numb.
Fortunately, this morning I realized my life isjust a series of things going wrong. A life whereI threw away the things that actually worked.Making okonomiyaki with rice flour was a massivesuccess.
There were other things that worked out too, and Iwas just looking back at them with nostalgia. It'sa small thing, but even when something goes right,my eyes automatically look at the negative partand I just give up on it.
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That's the trap of perfectionism. Also, anothermiracle happened just now. I've been trying torecall the exact taste of the French bread fromthe bakery nearby relative house, and I couldnever get it quite right.
I got close before, but today I finally rememberit clearly. I had it done, but the bread I madewith the machine at home was delicious too, andthe bread was so much history and variety. That'sexactly why it's frustrating cause I can't eat it.
I don't eat bread at home at all right now. Ithink about it in my head, but with conveniencestore bread, you have to touch the plasticpackaging I can do it.
I realized something new about the show title.Strongly, I don't feel like I'm stuck, but I haven't felt like I'm moving forward at all over thepast 10 years either. It's like I'm standingcompletely still at a furious, violent speed.
There's no meaning to it, but I'm not allowed tostop either. I don't allow myself to its state ofextreme balance. I threw away hope as a fuelsource a long time ago.
I'm just living in the sheer momentum of thisdaily routine, these exact steps. To put itanother way, I reject change. I'm fully convincedthat everything is meaningless, but stopping isstrictly forbidden, and it's the exact opposite ofbeing lazy or having no energy.
I'm stopped, but it's not a completely stop. It'sstrange. I don't see any point in making change,but if I stopped, the whole system collapsed, so I'm moving on that entire drive.
Or rather, I'm just staying completely still. Idon't feel like I'm actively doing anything.Obviously, I do what's necessary to live, but tome, change is just notice that mess with a stablesystem is nothing but a risk.
1:00:10
To keep this life going, I have to stay standingexactly at this spot, but you can't describe thiswith words like discipline or routine, and orderdoesn't fit either.
Living steps only cover the action. I needsomething that puts the rules and everything elsetogether under one roof. Plus, it has to conveyjust how vital this whole setup is for my severesurvival.
I'm trying to find that and show description, butthe right words just won't come out.
