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Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 15 years. No commute, no bus. Still somehowfully equipped with problems.
Parent, offline, friends, out of stock. So thisshow is just daily life. Long, long term HIKIKOMORI mode.
I'll start with what happened this morning. It wasrough.
I was talking with my parent, and I said, it'sstrange that high school entrance exam takes twodays now.
When I took exam, it was two days. For public highschools in Hokkaido, it was one day.
Then my parent said, all public schools aregovernment run, so maybe it's one day.
But I was already talking about public schools.
Somehow, in their mind, they mixed in privateschools or technical schools, and thought, oh,maybe those take two days.
I explained again, some public schools take oneday, others on the other day.
But for some reason, they jumped to privateschools take two days.
When I eat, my thinking is so slow that my braincan't keep up with the taste.
It feels like I'm checking in the flavor after thefact.
I wonder if other people feel this.
Borderline intelligence is defined as IQ below 70.
My processing span is below 70, around 75. It's agray zone.
Basically, intellectual disability level.
Experts say an intellectual disability is severeand unspecified in its mind.
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But from the person's perspective, there's no suchthing as mild.
If someone has one leg missing, or both legsmissing, or one leg much shorter than the other,which is milder, you can know.
So I hate being told it's mild.
About developmental disorders, some people know,some don't.
People say it's a brain disorder.
But honestly, I think neuroscience is pseudoscience.
They say it's a brain issue.
But they can show which part is abnormal.
There's no consensus.
They say cases are increasing.
But they can't explain why.
They call it a new disorder.
But humans don't evolve in 100 years.
If it's genetic, it wouldn't suddenly increase.
People with this trait existed in the Edo period,too.
Society created categories, and then this disorderappeared.
It's contradictory.
And they say it's not a disease.
But then they talk about medication.
I don't get it.
Some say nutrition cures it.
That's almost funny.
I noticed something in my notes when my parentsrefused to send a religious letter.
I asked,
What will you do if the same problem happensagain?
I'll find a solution.
But it's been 1 or 2 weeks.
And they've done nothing.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating.
I wanted to experiment with my podcast Observe Myself,
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analyze my developmental brain,
change the cover art,
create a new world.
But creative things never work for me.
It lost the realness.
I realized I don't have that kind of talent.
I stayed up all night working on it,
and it all went to waste.
It's sad.
This morning was hard because of the podcast,
downloading notes,
moving files,
posting episodes,
and the English episodes.
I haven't recorded them.
But I'm stuck.
If I post 2 episodes a day,
that's another problem.
I doubt about all of this.
I worked on the show description,
the summary,
the cover art,
the jingle,
and got stuck.
Perfectionism again.
This morning,
I thought about album,
legend,
and YouTube videos I wanna watch.
But watching them feels heavy.
I start thinking about the future.
Will I keep watching this?
Is this a waste of time?
It feels like it breaks my lifestyle.
So I decided I'll only watch podcast and long-distance videos.
I forgot the exact reason,
but that's what I decided.
I'm upstairs recording.
Now,little things bother me.
Like when my sleeper flips over,
I think,
how much dust has been on this.
I try not to bother my parent.
So I use a floor cleaning tool every few days.
It takes time,
and thinking about it stressed me out.
I also forget what I wanted to talk about on thepodcast
and try to remember.
That happened every 3 days.
An idol said,
that being 3 is a part.
Change what anime you grew up with.
For me,
even people my age don't share the same context.
No wonder I fit in.
My parent turned on the heater again,
even though it was warm.
She used to tell me,
don't eat out,
don't turn on the heater.
I used to tell her,
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don't eat out,
don't turn on the heater.
You don't have the right.
But now,
she turns it on casually.
She doesn't realize.
She is breaking her own rules.
There was a video I wanted to re-watch,
but the thing I remember
wasn't there.
Maybe it's memory error,
but it doesn't feel like that.
I re-watched many times,
still nothing, nothing.
I've been making many versions
of the show description.
People entering a competition do this,
but I'm not entering anything.
I thought maybe I should make Instagram postinstead.
I asked my parent to search for the video,
but the search terms were wrong again.
No matter how many times I explain,
it doesn't change.
It's sad.
I want to ask a psychologist,
why do I feel ashamed
when I look at someone I'm related to?
The heater upstairs is since morning.
It gets hot,
but I don't want to stay downstairs either.
Season change error heard.
I start thinking about the future.
Will I keep watching this?
It is a waste of time.
It feels like it breaks my lifestyle.
So I decided.
I only watch podcast and Nogizaka videos.
I forget the exact reason,
but that's what I decided.
I'm upstairs recording now.
Little thing bother me.
Like when my slipper flips over.
I think how much dust has been on this.
I watch the WBC warm-up game.
I still don't understand cheering.
I don't like baseball cheering.
I only like road cheering style.
Same with Nogizaka,
I wonder why some members who sing well,
dance well,
are kind, smart,
and have good personality
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and still don't get selected.
I think about that a lot.
I'm working on the show description again.
It's hard because I have to think from manyangles.
I don't want it to feel heavy.
If I were a listener,
hearing of Hikomori talking alone in a room
would make me worry too much.
I'm sensitive,
so I think about that.
I once doubted about naming the show,
Life of This Life,
but that felt too light.
If it's too bright,
it becomes entertainment.
It's too heavy.
It becomes depressing.
I want a word,
but also honesty.
Honesty is hard.
I realized something this evening.
Whenever I come up with an idea
and try to act on it,
people block it
or don't understand.
At the real estate office,
I said what kind of room I wanted.
And they looked at me like I was weird
when I said I wanted to study English and Spanish.
People probably doubt what is he doing.
Everything comes from misalignment.
Whatever I try,
people don't accept it.
Maybe it's Japanese thing.
People say just focus on English
or just stick to Japanese.
My teacher once said,
you don't have time for that.
When I asked about math book,
everything I try get denied.
People should be free,
but when I try something new,
people treat me like I'm wrong
just because there's no president.
I think prices vary.
And because of transport cost,
appearance or branding,
expensive doesn't mean better.
Rice brand taste good
because the name makes you think so.
For me,price means nothing.
Expensive food really tastes better.
Only Hakodate squid taste clearly different.
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I'm also struggling with Spanish again.
If I start,I'll get overwhelmed,
but I already start.
I record episode.
It's stressful.
I had a dream.
A girl invited me out,
and I said yes.
We start dating,
and I imagined going to college normally.
It scared me.
Expensive sweets in department stores
don't look good to me.
Japanese sweets are world class.
Even if the price is 10 times higher,
the taste difference is small.
When I took back on memories,
there are usually 90% suffering.
10% fun.
It's just normal.
Blackness music is like that.
Slow beat,big ending,
men like that style.
When I get absorbed in something,
I push too hard.
Later I realize I wasn't enjoying it.
When I went to Tokyo for religious event,
I'd been there many times,
but the thing that impressed me most
was not Tokyo Tower or Rainbow Bridge.
It was the station.
I didn't know the difference
between elevators and escalators
until after age 20.
I didn't know my own floor plan until then.
I don't know if it was a subway or just a train,
but the station feeling stayed with me.
Not just fun,but something deeper.
Tokyo feels different from Hokkaido.
More world,more inequality,
more competition.
People do junior high entrance exam.
There are many kind of jobs.
There are front side and back side.
I imagine things a lot.
I remember trauma.
I imagine meeting a girl I hated in high school.
I imagine living in a fancy apartment.
Near the religious center.
Not on purpose.
It just happened.
This morning I realized something.
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In school I was always running away.
I told myself process matters more than result.
In high school I try to face reality.
Every day I told myself don't run away.
When riding my bike,
I thought my get hit in 3 seconds.
When choosing a reference book,
I thought this choice could decide
whether I get into a top university.
The result I got depression.
I became overly nervous.
