母親との認識のずれとコミュニケーションの難しさ
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.Fighting alone, every single day. No one sees it,but I keep going. Slow is fine, stopping is fine.Just move forward, HIKIKOMORI HERO, stillstanding!
This is just a podcast.
It was rough around the morning.
Like I said yesterday, my parents tried to fallasleep, hunched over at the desk. Then right away,realized that was bad and stood up.
That's what my parents did yesterday.
I've been having them hold on the complaint letterabout the religion and pass it on later.
But yesterday, they tried to fall asleep, hunchedover, but said that this is bad and stood up.
So in the morning, I asked her about it directly.
I said this, normally they are supposed to staystanding.
But yesterday, at the moment they were touchingthe computer, they accidentally started to hunchover.
And since she thought it'd be fine as long as Ididn't find out while I was upstairs.
That's why the habit came out. The habit of hunching over and falling asleep.
That's what I said, then my mom said.
So what? She said. I thought it's not so what.
Don't you feel any guilt at all? I said.
Don't you think hunching over and sleeping iswrong?
And she still didn't seem to get it at all. Sameas before.
So explaining it over and over was reallyexhausting.
I thought she finally understood, but then shesaid.
Well, it's on the computer, and you get sleepy.You just fell asleep, right?
I said. Well, if you're on the computer and youget sleepy, you just fell asleep, right?
She said no.
That was clearly a position of I'm gonna sleepnow.
Fully settled and ready to sleep.
Do you know what hunching over means?
It's not your head just dropping forward on itsown.
It's putting your arms on the desk and resistingyour head on them thinking.
Okay, I'm gonna sleep now.
That's what I said, then my mom said.
Well, don't you do that when you want to sleep?
And I said, look, your head might drop forward onit sometimes.
But yesterday you were clearly hunching over onpurpose to sleep.
And you don't normally do that because you knowyou are not supposed to.
It's the same as lying down on the sofa.
You know you are not allowed to sit and sleep.
Whether it's three minutes or five minutes.
So normally you don't do it.
Maybe you've been doing it all along.
Like I said, thinking is fine because I won't findout when I'm upstairs.
At first, my mom, I think it's a bit confusing.
So this is a little hard to follow.
At first, I think she said she hadn't been hunching over and sleeping.
But toward the end of the conversation, she said,
Yeah, you are right.
When I get sleepy while I'm on the computer, I dohunch over and fall asleep.
She admitted.
She's going back a bit to organize the situation.
She's been hunching over and falling asleep allthe time.
But she doesn't think there's anything wrong withit.
That's my mom's position.
My position is the one time I caught her doing it,
It was the first time she's done it in front ofme.
And after two seconds, she jumped up, thinking,Oh, no.
Which means she felt guilty about it.
That's why it turned out the way it did.
That's what I said.
After explaining it many times,
She finally got it.
But even though she understood that part,
The next step, understanding that because she feltguilty,
Meaning she didn't want me to catch her,
Meaning that habit came out when I went upstairsto sleep.
She couldn't get that part.
I honestly see she's so busy making excuses thateverything she says is full of helps.
So because she tries to lie in a way that won'tget caught,
It ended up like this.
She keeps coming up with new excuses on the spotafter another,
Just saying them out loud.
And that's why things get so mixed up that's hardto explain.
At first, she said she was hunting over at bed,
Didn't think it was a problem.
And that she wasn't doing it, hoping I wouldn'tfind out.
It just sort of happened.
But that's not right.
She actually felt guilty.
So when I'm awake, she doesn't do it.
Doesn't hunt over and sleep.
The parent understands that next.
And what I was trying to say is,
She normally does it all the time like it'snothing.
So yesterday, that habit just slipped out.
Otherwise, there's no reason she'd hunt over andsleep.
That's what I said.
My mom's first position was that it happenedwithout her realizing it.
So hunting over and sleeping without realizing it.
That's already strange.
In the first place, she was ready to sit down andsleep,
Thinking it was okay to sleep sitting there,
Which means it's the same as sleeping on the sofa.
And on top of that, once she understood that,
Why did it happen without her realizing?
Because she does it all the time.
She has this habit of hunting over and fallingasleep at the computer.
And that habit just came out.
She thought, oh, no, and stood up right away.
Because normally she just stays asleep.
Getting to this point of understanding,
No matter how many times explained, she just didn't get it.
My parents just kept making up random excuse.
So she didn't really understand.
She just kept getting emotional and making excusewithout thinking.
And it was just way too much.
So every time explained the next thing,
She'd say something that didn't make sense.
And every time she understood one thing,
She'd say something that didn't make sense again.
So getting them to understand both parts
At once took a really long time.
夢の中での出来事と思考の断片
Okay, next topic.
In the morning, the transcript or lesson hadn'tbeen made.
I asked my parents to repost it.
And there was all that stuff.
Also, I'll talk about this later.
But it was rough from the morning.
And I ended up spending time for morning.
All right, in the dream yesterday,
I used the word meaning pointless or empty.
I don't know if I heard it somewhere.
But this word I don't normally use.
It just kept me like it fell from the sky.
If I were a researcher, something like that,
Coming to you out of nowhere,
Places fitting together like a puzzle could makereally no good research.
But since I'm not a researcher,
It doesn't really mean much.
Also, in the dream, I was fighting with myparents.
I don't remember what it was about.
And I think nothing is more boring than hearingabout someone else's dream.
So I don't feel that much about not remembering,
At least in yesterday's case.
But in dream, you are feeling bigger than usual.
You feel the things you don't normally feel.
And normally, it's there to some degree.
That feeling of being let down by my parents,
I guess, same as this morning, too.
That feeling was exactly the same in the dream andits real life.
Even in my dreams, I'm made to feel that way.
It happens sometimes.
It was really, really, really a waste of time fromthe morning.
Next topic.
人生における「正解」と価値観の探求
People argue and say,
This is the right answer.
And inside yourself, too.
Deciding this is right, that's wrong.
I think that's just what it means to be human.
And I think that's correct.
Up until now, I thought it was wrong.
And why I thought it was wrong is because there isno right answer in the first place.
But even though there is no right answer,
People still say,
This is right.
This is a mistake.
In other words, that's what people call theirvalues.
Values.
Going back and forth between this is right, thisis wrong.
And the answer inside you a year ago has changed.
And you repeat that for your whole life.
Life.
Your whole life.
And I think that's actually the right way to live.
But still, because of all that, there still is noright answer.
And fortunately, also people who say confidentthings often say,
There's no right answer in life.
But those people don't realize.
That way of thinking is kind of dark, isn't it?
Because if there's no right answer, there's nowrong answer either.
Which means, whatever path you take, it's all thesame.
Whether you go right or left.
Whether you go to college or not.
Whether you get into an accident or not.
That's a pretty dark way of thinking.
And people say, there's no right answer in life.
Without really knowing what they mean.
What does that even mean?
When someone like that say, there's no rightanswer in life.
Well, it's just me.
Do whatever you want.
Pretty easy, isn't it?
人間関係と自己認識に関する考察
Okay, next topic.
All right.
There was this guy.
I really hated who I was paired up with.
And he looked up to our English teacher and copiedthem.
Saying things like, you are not trying hardenough.
But that guy didn't even really understand whatthe word means.
Just copying the teacher.
Pretty curious thing to say.
I really hated that.
Okay, moving on to the next topic.
So this is more of a personal thing.
But I don't think I ever just casually saysomething that hurts someone.
Or makes someone feel bad.
The reason is because of all the things that builtup into bad memories.
I'm really good at picking up on how something Isay would make someone feel.
Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
And I don't know.
Okay, next topic.
Yesterday, I was watching a video of a former Nogizaka member giving birth.
And I was thinking, when a baby is born, eventhough it must be hard for them,
they are not really aware of what's happening,right?
That makes them the same as other animals in away.
In one way, that's true.
And in another way, I think it's not right.
So even though it looks painful up until the pointwhere they start to understand the word,
it's probably not that big of a deal.
If a child who already understood things wastrapped like that and looked uncomfortable,
the adults around them would panic.
But since it's a baby, it's probably okay for now.
So when you start to remember, to start tounderstand the word,
what even is this sense of I?
It's been a question for thousands of years.
But now with all kinds of research, we arestarting to understand it more.
And Buddha was already saying it's 20 years, 20,000 years ago.
This feeling of being aware of yourself is just anidea, just something that happened.
It's not something that actually exists as a realthing.
So thinking you are aware of yourself once youstart to understand the word is just an idea too.
In that way, it's not really that different frombeing a baby.
It's strange, isn't it?
But still, once you start to understand the word,you do feel like there's a you there,
even though it's just an idea.
That's all I wanted to say.
日常生活におけるこだわりと葛藤
Also, like I was saying earlier, the jingle, I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know what to do about it.
But I'm very particular about things.
I want everything to be just right.
I don't want to spend time on something like this.
And if I'm going to spend time on anything, I wantto start Spanish.
That feeling has been building up.
I'm going back and forth on it for a while.
There was also stuff in the morning.
So I thought this could be a good chance todecide.
But the morning wasn't great timing either.
I just went ahead and made the jingle again.
And right at the moment, I started thinking,
What if I just get rid of it?
What if I just get rid of it?
I really am a difficult kind of person.
I shouldn't do things that weren't in the plan.
Recording in the afternoon now, I had a hiddenturning off.
And then I was coming back to the show.
So I had the setting changed.
And I brought my phone.
And the cover art was still not done.
So I rushed to try and finish it at the lastminute.
But it didn't work.
And I couldn't figure out where the image wassaved.
And there were issues with the hashtags and thingsin various other places.
So the show title and the description and thenotes section,
I was able to fix those when I got back.
The next big thing that happened in the afternoon.
Well, I'm not sure what's been big.
It really is.
家族との情報伝達における混乱
Today, there was an RG concert.
I started at 6 and I think they said it would endat night.
But when I asked in the afternoon, my mom saidthey didn't know what time it would end.
So I had guessed it would be 9.
And they must have just told me 9 without really,really knowing.
I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing.
Also, there were two other similar things with thepodcast and the things with listen.
The part is fine.
But there's usually an email that comes when thetext is ready.
And my parents said in the morning it came likenormal.
But then later said it didn't come today.
Even though it didn't come, they said it did.
Why would they just say that?
Maybe she said couldn't be bothered and saidwhatever came to mind.
That's really bad.
How many times has this caused confusion?
How many times has this caused problems?
But this person never learned from it.
Also, there was one more similar thing.
This one ended up being okay.
But a few days before, maybe it was yesterday too.
A few days before, my parents were saying my dadmight not be able to come home.
Might not be able to get on the train.
But then it turned out that the JR trains hadswitched to all reserved seats.
And when I said, oh, so you already know.
She said she had just found that out.
Recently, I was so stressed at first.
And I don't even know why I get so stressed.
But I doubt they've done it again.
And all that talk about whatever.
She'd mistake it home because it becomescompletely pointless.
It's a reserved seat thing was already sorted out.
That's just a crazy way to have a conversation.
Also, I was looking into whether shrimp chili isoriginally from Japan or somewhere else.
食文化とエンターテイメントに関する話題
Shrimp chili and shrimp moyo.
I already knew shrimp mayo.
And that one might be originally American or atleast American inspired.
But shrimp chili is actually something made inJapan.
I was checking that out.
Also, there's a popular hidden camera show.
And it's so full of set up sense.
So I hadn't been watching it.
But I had a reason to watch it today.
And yeah, it really does feel like everything isplanned ahead of time.
Well, maybe not everything.
But it's not.
It's so hard to tell what's real and what's setup.
It's really just one set up after another.
Also, sweet and sauce or fried chicken.
That's beef rinsing style.
Apparently, that's also Japanese style.
Going back a bit.
Also, I didn't know chip and egg stir fry is kindof Chinese dish.
Where shrimp use ketchup.
So I figured it was different from real Chinesefood.
And it seemed like twice cooked pork is alsocompletely different from the original.
Same with almond jelly.
That's not really Chinese at all.
Also, this is kind of that life type of topic.
I'm mostly a science minded person and a realist.
But when I see scientist teachers from school.
Biology, chemistry.
Well, chemistry teacher.
And physics, I think.
It was a different teacher.
People who are very logical and analytical.
I always feel like there's completely the oppositeof me.
This kind of thing happens.
In the world.
