00:00
Welcome to HIKIKOMORI DAYS. I shall record from aroom that hadn't changed since well.
American had a different president, maybe two.
Seven years inside. That's not a lifestyle. That'sa subscription plan you forgot to cancel.
Some people call it isolation. We call it freeshipping.
All every emotion. And now broadcasting live froma desk that had seen more instant noodles thanhuman interaction.
This is HIKIKOMORI DAYS.
This morning, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm notsure if it was my apparent mistake,
but there was a small problem with the podcastwhen I checked in the morning.
They had fixed it, but the Japanese episode had anEnglish description.
It made me angry and frustrated, and I didn't feellike explaining it to my parents.
I couldn't believe my eyes. Late at night, there'snothing to do, and I can't study English.
So I have no choice but to listen to podcasts, butI always end up falling asleep while listening.
My sleep might be late. I don't like doingnothing, so I listen to podcasts just to pass thetime.
If I stop after feeling a little sleepy, I can'tsleep at all.
And I end up thinking I should have keptlistening.
But if I start listening again, sometimes I can'tsleep, or I fall asleep while listening.
So recently, I haven't been able to sleepproperly.
Also, I've been worried about charging my phone. Idon't follow a routine,
so I go downstairs to charge it in the morninglike usual.
But the timing of going back upstairs is awkward.
I try to pass the time by talking with my parents,but even so, it doesn't work today.
I ask my parents what I should do.
03:03
I guess there's no real answer, but I was stillworried this morning.
I had just put the files in so I could charge myphone, and my mind was spinning with doubt.
In the end, I had to take my phone downstairs tocharge it.
That became my whole day. I had to plan my dayaround charging my phone,
so planning your whole day around charging a phoneis kind of ridiculous.
About the podcast jingle, like I said, yesterday Iwondered if I could make it myself,
but I don't have confidence or the means, so Ikept thinking about it.
I wondered if I could change the direction of thejingle.
I used to think it was a waste of time, but now Ihave nothing to do, so I'm torn.
Next, I was curious about how mechanical parkinglot work.
There are different types like rotating orelevator systems,
but I don't really understand them,
since these special skills are hard for me tograsp.
When I hear about something new, I get stronglyexcited and curious,
so I end up looking it up.
About meat eating, I think this goes for allanimals.
If there's a sound or change nearby, it's a matterof life or death.
So your awareness rises a little.
You judge if it's dangerous or not, just a little,but it's enough.
If we react fully to every sound, it would beexhausting.
Even a small rise in awareness is enough todistract me completely while eating.
I lose all focus.
Humans can't fully focus on two things at once.
I lose concentration easily.
So when I eat, I have to focus and not worry aboutdanger.
But I don't taste the food as much.
06:04
It's tricky.
I thought about samurai before.
I wondered if I could show the idea of being stoicbut reclusive in my cover art.
Samurai have a spirit similar to me.
Foreign people are more interested in samurai thanninjas.
I thought it would add another character to mystory.
But I already have a lot of includes, like autismor religion.
So it's confusing.
Samurai are a good symbol to express myself andtheir interest in people abroad.
Japanese people might not care as much.
But a reclusive person as a samurai doesn't makesense to them.
This morning, like I said yesterday, a repairperson came.
My parents tell me the schedule normally, likewhen my father will return.
But I have to go upstairs until 3.
And they didn't explain that.
They didn't seem worried, just calm.
The first time they came, I remind them theyforgot and they just said,
All right, and that was it.
So schedule changed and they never explained Ihave to stay upstairs until 3.
I don't understand why they forgot.
I also talked about mixing sesame, miso, kinakoand tofu in a blender.
But that could increase salt intake.
I don't know why they thought that was OK.
I talked about other food yesterday.
But I still don't understand this choice.
It was a waste of time to think about it.
Writing in English has been hard too.
I want to think post quickly and to finish andpresent tasks.
I wanted summer homework done fast too.
I try to finish quickly.
But that distracted me all day.
I read about a movie about a second generationmember living a strict religion.
And their words are different.
And the religion has unique terms.
I didn't experience that.
But I can see how using the same language canstill lead to different understanding.
09:05
Social rules and habits can feel out of sync withothers.
This person has trouble understanding freedom intheir religion.
I also liked some common concepts.
I often say large religions with visible problemsdon't get attention.
But they might have hidden issues.
My religion isn't big.
But it has cult-like elements.
Religions that just mention that afterlife are OK.
Beyond that, it can be dangerous.
I won't go into detail now.
I've realized that living a religion doesn'tchange life much.
Enjoying a religion doesn't change life mucheither.
I was lucky.
I had no attachment.
So I didn't struggle.
Some people struggle after living a religion.
But I didn't.
Other people have problems with social rules orlanguage.
Like me with autism.
It's hard to fit in.
Some parents even lock children in shelters forreligious reasons.
A podcast writer once said instead of payment,they wanted lifelong tickets to the singer.
That made me feel the industry is shady.
I can't forget that it was a bit traumatic.
I realized things like this do happen.
I thought about samurai again.
The samurai spirit is about sticking to belief.
But I'm not strict or goal-driven like that.
I wonder if I lived too much.
But Japanese norm still living freedom from valueand illusion.
Human always live within some values.
Life is just difference.
People create concept.
But everyone lives differently.
Recording podcast daily is like a samurai facing asword.
Even if it's just passing time focusing on onething in similar.
Similar.
Similar.
But I don't have goals or ideal like a samurai.
12:01
My routine come from autism, not pride.
My stoic side might be genetic.
I don't fully understand myself.
But maybe that's why I can continue podcast.
Simple life would be boring.
Making the cover art is hard.
But samurai works because foreigners areinterested.
And I feel it fits my perfectionist side.
But not completely.
I also did a philosophy test about 50, 60questions.
Showing Japanese philosophy.
Modern philosopher and well explained.
And I can check books or libraries.
So it's tricky.
Like with idol.
Sometimes too many character.
Overlap.
I understand that feeling.
Today many things happened.
High school entrance exam ended.
Then graduation day was supposed to be a few dayslater.
But my parents said it's next week.
That was shocking.
I also noticed something with frozen croquettes.
Usually I have frozen ones the supermarket.
But yesterday I got them from the prepared foodsection.
Same product but I didn't have to try them.
My parents confused me about where they boughtthem.
And whether I'd eaten them.
It was a mess and hard to understand.
The repair person came early at 2 instead of after3.
I asked my parents if that happened normally.
My father is too kind and worried too much.
I told them off mentally but it's strange.
Finally today I forgot what I wanted to talk abouton the podcast.
With my parents and what to think about.
It was hard to remember.
But I think I remembered everything in theafternoon.
We also talked about charging my phone.
I asked to start charging at a sudden time.
And even though they said I could.
They started right away.
I was surprised.
Today they admitted it and I said we need tolisten properly.
The teacher was coming.
So I told my parents to move my slippers.
I checked things carefully when guests come.
We also talked about eating soy products.
Eating too much can cause smell.
So maybe just a little in the evening.
I spent a lot of time thinking this afternoon.
15:02
Last night I had two dreams.
One was about religion.
And the other about trying to return the clubactivities.
But deciding not to.
It was a bad dream.
Repeating the same thing.
Even though I finally slept for a long time.
But sleep is really confusing.
Even if you sleep a long time.
It's not really too much.
Even after sleeping long.
The next day feels the same.
I still wanna sleep.
Then I start thinking maybe shorter sleep is fine.
It feels like reclusive type problems.
I get bored with daily life and try to watchdifferent videos.
But when I do that.
The usual videos start to feel boring.
I felt that strongly yesterday.
Sometimes I think.
OK.I'll watch videos I used to watch.
From old channel or old creators.
But if I do.
I get used to that stimulation.
And the usual videos feel boring again.
It's a matter of self-control.
I also slightly changed my morning routine.
Cutting out wasteful steps.
But that may unconsciously affect the afternoonroutine.
You have to think about how one small change canaffect patterns.
It's hard.
One change can make the whole day difficult.
Recently I've been curious about DJ KOO.
I'm not really interested.
But I thought I'd watch a documentary today.
And yesterday I saw him at the Bone DanceFestival.
Next topic.
Celebrities.
Sometimes they act like they're extremely intensein an argument.
Of course.
It's acting.
But they argue with that intense face and thatlaugh at the end.
I don't like that.
If they laugh.
It makes everything before feel like it was fake.
Just acting.
It ruins the tension.
If you are going to do it.
Keep the tension until the end.
It would be more interesting.
Even a layperson can notice this.
Another thing.
Not TV related.
Sometimes when you ask a question.
People react as you should be worried beforestarting.
18:01
What they say.
Just try it first.
And how they smile.
Mocking.
But you are asking sincerely.
You could even deserve a thanks for asking.
You are asking a simple question.
And they make it seem like you shouldn't care.
That's extreme.
Like harassment.
You are just asking.
They should just answer.
Next topic.
Regret and failure.
When you fail or have a frustrating experience.
That can become a powerful motivator.
But trying to make up for the failure doesn'twork.
Your mind reacts defensively.
You can't intentionally turn failure intomotivation.
It has to happen naturally.
I also feel that I'm a bit different from others.
Maybe that sense makes me notice things more.
People from Hokkaido can seem like aliens.
Compared to Honshu.
Even food tastes different.
It's not just religion difference.
For example.
Things like.
Ankimo or sushi ingredient.
People talk about.
But I don't experience it.
I feel a strong sense of loneliness.
Because I notice these things more than others.
Today.
Celebrity showed that what they consider the bestrice accompaniment.
My family does something extreme.
Roll up onion on rice.
Or a plain tofu on rice.
With no seasoning.
That shocked me.
Even though I struggle differently.
I realize there are people who go further than me.
Taste-wise.
I like this person.
Personality-wise.
Not much.
Both only children.
They are liberal arts.
I'm a scientist.
Taste is similar.
Coffee.
Generally tofu.
But love tofu on rice.
Growth to imagine.
Still they've eaten.
This healthy food or ear.
Is commonality.
The repair workers came and left quickly.
21:00
I start worrying about future visit.
What if I need the bathroom and they're here.
For a long time.
I get anxious about timing.
Previously I would already be anxious a weekbefore the scheduled visit.
About tofu.
I wonder if cold tofu tastes better.
Maybe I'll eat it.
I just found out the repair person will comeagain.
Which is disappointing.
Parent expects the visit to end quickly.
But it didn't.
For my podcast and jingles.
I try to rotate ideas myself.
But if I find joy in the artwork.
I risk feeling the podcast itself has no meaning.
My energy is low.
I have depression from constitution.
I have to carefully straight guys my life.
Even if my parents doesn't understand.
It's now night.
I haven't decide the cover yet.
I tend to compromise that.
Then go back and thinker.
Because nothing is final.
If I don't commit.
I get stuck in a loop.
Of always wanting better.
Even though I'm not an artist.
There are really a perfect solution.
Once I decide.
I have to accept it or go all the way.
Sometimes TV feels fake.
I even suspect extras at a show where show wereplanted to make the scene livelier.
I overthink things like that.
Back in middle and high school.
My mother would call at 7pm.
Once a stranger answered.
Didn't say their same.
My father got angry.
Normally people would just accept it.
My father was extreme.
Afternoon.
I work on podcast cover.
Night time is difficult.
My thoughts scatter.
Past ideas fade.
Recording a bit in heart.
I wanted to make a jingle.
Try to not work.
Take struggles out for everyone.
It's 2pm.
I spend hours thinking about the cover.
My health might decline.
Stress is high.
If I stop frustrating growth.
If I continue stress remain.
Trying to be casual backfires.
24:01
My father.
My throat suddenly hurt.
Maybe my body is reacting.
Also I have more fetish.
Very focused on one point.
Psychology gives reason.
But I don't fully get it.
Previous I try blog ad.
Failed after consulting expert.
But I hate compromise.
But sometimes giving up is necessary.
But thinking tends to be off.
My thinking tends to be off.
For example.
I can't post a sudden ad.
So I focus elsewhere.
Frustration drives action.
Currently I distribute English podcast.
I tried Japanese platform twice.
But I couldn't publish.
It doesn't hurt.
I can reach a global audience anyway.
This morning I worried about program description.
In English and Japanese.
I daydream about host telling idols.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Repeating the same fantasy multiple times.
Parent argue.
Blaming me for childhood incident.
It's a dysfunctional family.
And I listen to podcast at very low volume.
But my sensitivity makes it painful.
In school elementary and middle school life feltlike being with animals.
In rural Hokkaido public schools that's normal.
Some say OCD tendencies emerge.
Situation that seem dangerous.
Maybe this has an effect.
But depression and OCD persist lifelong.
I dislike when people say this is good.
But it could be better.
If something is good.
Just say that instinct it could be better ispassion.
I realize sometimes I overthink and become pushymyself.
Rarely in school you might see someone telling abully.
You are bullying while they themselves are guilty.
Hypocrisy happens around where?
