00:30
Welcome to the podcast.
I haven't gone outside in over 50 years, nocommute, no boss, still somehow fully equippedwith programs, parent, offline, friend, out ofstock.
So this show is just daily life from long-term Hikikomori mode.
I wanna talk about the first thing, even though Ialways say humans don't have a real self.
I know this. I've been thinking about who I ambecause I'm struggling with my podcast name.
I think I talk about this before, but when I tryto name my show, I end up thinking about myself.
I think everyone feels this, but if you don't havesomething to say, this is me.
You feel uneasy.
I remember a show called Shinikake Radio.
They talk about different things, but always tieit back to a moment close to death.
I wanna have that kind of consistency, too.
For example, I wanna talk only about things thatfeel contradictory or things that feeluncomfortable.
That's fine, but after living more than 20 years,I know how stubborn that kind of rule is.
Even if I understand it in my head, I lived likethis for 20 years.
03:02
Maybe it started because I regret not choosingRadio FM as my platform, but it's not only that.
Stand FM can send RSS to Spotify. I really hatethat.
I wanna Stand FM to stay only on Stand FM.
I don't wanna listen to shows that spreadeverywhere, but I guess it can be helped.
This reminded me of something about myself.
I want my likes and dislikes to be honest.
Most people try to hate something just to protecttheir pride, but I don't wanna lie to my ownsense.
That's another weird rule I have.
Today, I also doubt about what is the mostdangerous mental state for me.
What's the moment when I really need to fix mythinking.
For me, it's when I feel like relying on religion.
When I get depressed, the feelings hit me in onemoment.
I drop fast, but that one moment shapes the wholeday.
When I'm depressed, I try to act more energetic onpurpose.
Even if I'm just walking, that small moment shapesthe day, the year and everything after.
So when I fall into the depressed moment, I try tofocus all my energy on one point.
It's not easy, but that's the idea.
Yesterday when I watched baseball, I doubt abouthow humans know something in their head, but can'tact on it.
What they know something in their head, but theiremotions don't follow.
People say this is only an obvious moment, butactually it happens all the time.
People waste a lot because their emotions don'tcatch up.
06:08
Next topic, I wonder why I used to do strengthtraining.
The year before, I was recording my podcast andaround summer, I started working out.
I thought it was stupid to spend hours on it, butnow I feel the opposite.
Before summer, it's better to train your body, soI wanna work out again.
Today, as I saw Conan movie trailer on YouTube,that detective Conan, not a future boy.
I don't like anime and I don't understand it well,but I get why it's popular.
It has a unique world and a unique look, I don'tknow the details.
But like I said yesterday, I'm not good with art,especially visual art.
I really don't have that sense.
I really don't have that sense.
Today, I also looked up the university in Fukui.
I forgot the name, but the acceptance rate waslike 90 to 1 or about 100 to 1.
I checked that. I also watched Otani practicingfor the WBC.
And the stove, I wondered why my parents keep iton for so long, even upstairs.
More than 10 years ago, I used to feel guiltyabout using the stove.
Maybe because my parents kept telling me to fix myOCD.
I hate the idea that OCD is a secondary disorderof developmental disorder.
There is no first or second, neither get cured.
09:05
That's what I think.
I also couldn't open windows easily.
I thought a thief might come in.
I hated bugs too.
I couldn't turn on the stove because of guilt.
Later, I wanted to feel like I was more normalthan before.
And I used the stove normally.
There was a time like that.
This afternoon, I remembered something whilewatching videos.
Maybe this is also OCD.
If I feel even a tiny bit uneasy, I can't focus atall.
It's not exactly fear.
It's more like something feels off.
Something that normally wouldn't bother peoplemakes me unstable.
For example, during meals especially, but alsowhen I'm sitting and focusing on something,
I get very uneasy the moment I move my body.
If I'm hyper-focused, I feel like I need to checkif everything is okay.
But if I check, I lose my focus.
Next, I've been thinking a lot about my shirt.
I feel like I have to make it different.
I have to say it's an honest talk.
And I was also thinking about what other hikikomori like knit or stuff like that.
I was thinking about what people overseas who likeJapan might be interested in.
And I was thinking about my own ideas.
And if I should put that in too.
And also religion.
I felt like maybe I should include that too.
And when I put English words in, sometimes themeaning feels too strong.
Until now, I try not to put in the idea of beingout of sync
with the world or society.
Even small changes are a big deal for me.
12:05
And I've been checking everything so carefully.
So if I start from zero again, it's hard.
But I'm glad I've found out that hikikomori isgetting attention overseas.
And I start thinking of, okay, then I should addthis too.
And it keeps going.
Actually, I recorded this.
Recently, my recording style changed a lot.
And sometimes the recording cut off in the middle.
It's not going well.
And something I just doubt about.
People say they can see ghosts.
They don't have any responsibility.
But sometimes I think they are just lying.
Sure, sometimes you see a shadow or something.
But I always wondered how people see hallucination.
People have different illnesses and differences.
But if someone is seeing hallucination all thetime,
that feels really serious.
Even if it's not schizophrenia,
seeing things all the time feels like a bigproblem.
I recorded earlier.
And then I spent like two hours thinking about itat night.
I can't use English well, so it can't be helped.
But when I think about it now, I don't know why.
But I was trying to find a word that shows myidea,
my way of thinking, my philosophy.
Yesterday, I said something like
absolute acceptance type or something like that.
I wanted a word that makes my thoughts stand out.
I was also thinking about if there's a simplerword.
Maybe I should put Japan in the name.
But then I thought maybe I should put my own traitin it.
15:08
I wrote down my attribute before.
And I remembered that.
I looked at it again.
There were two things I wanted to talk about here.
Maybe more.
But I forgot them.
And I was trying to remember lately.
It's been like this.
I spend a lot of time lying in bed.
Not doing much, but inside my head.
I'm busy thinking about the podcast name.
My head feels overload.
Before I read a book about Ichiro,
it says that he practices in a calm, steady way.
And he lives in a calm, steady way, too.
I live in a calm, steady...
He lives in a calm, steady way, too.
I really like the word calm and steady.
And now I understand why.
From my point of view.
People are animals, so it can be helped.
But people get super motivated.
Then burn out.
Then feel hopeless.
Then wonder what life even means.
So instead of going up and down all the time.
It's better to live calmly and steadily.
Ichiro also says not to get too emotional aboutthings.
It's hard, so I still get emotional.
When things go well.
I feel too good.
And then the crash comes.
So that time I should be careful.
It's not when I'm down.
It's when things are going well.
That's when I should stay calm and steady.
If I just try not to get emotional.
It becomes spiritual nonsense.
18:02
So I have to actually act calmly.
Ichiro rarely does this.
Next, I want to talk about something from thismorning.
I think this is the third time I've talked aboutit.
There's a sushi chain in Hokkaido called...
I forget it.
And it's everywhere.
Hokkaido is famous for good sushi.
Yesterday, I learned that this place uses betterfish than other chains like Toriton.
My uncle said a good shop opened nearby.
And I wondered why he doesn't go there.
I thought he'd tell me like always.
But he didn't.
But then right after that...
Guess what he said.
He said it depends on the shop.
Sorry.
I thought...
My mother denied me like always.
But then right after that...
Guess what she said.
She said it depends on the shop.
Here we go again.
It's like saying...
Summer is hotter than spring.
And she replies...
Well, depends on the day.
Sure.
Sometimes summer can be cold.
But nobody says that.
That's what she does.
And chain shops can taste different.
But if two shops from the same company tastetotally different.
That's weird.
It's like choosing between a highway and a normalroad.
Sure, the highway might get traffic.
But you still choose the highway if you wanna gofast.
Next topic.
Today I thought about something.
The city has a program.
Where you submit something and get money.
For being healthy or something.
You could lie.
But it means nothing.
21:03
Nothing.
It's only for your own sense of achievement.
If you lie, it's pointless.
Nobody praise you.
You just praise yourself.
It's the same when I do my podcast.
If my goal was money.
I'd make it more entertaining.
Or exaggerate things.
Or even like TV show do.
But even if I got more listeners that way.
It means nothing.
Next topic.
I really don't understand commercial drink thateveryone says taste bad.
But the economy use focus actor in the ads.
People buy it because of that.
I don't get it.
If it were me.
I'd choose what looks good.
Not who's in the commercial.
Single famous actor doesn't make me trust theproduct.
It just makes me think.
They spend a lot on ads.
Anyway.
My family is weird.
Someone should notice if we are in Hokkaido.
And sushi infamous.
And everyone is over 60.
We should go to the better place.
Even if it's bit expensive.
I've been struggling with the podcast name.
It feels like a small thing.
But I get stuck on it.
On Spotify and Apple.
The name feels more important than Google search.
I wanted to put Hokkaido in a name.
But I worry about future.
Even though Hokkaido doesn't mean staying at home.
I still wonder what if I leave this house someday.
Will the word still fit me?
What about 20 years from now?
24:01
Will the word become just a trend?
Will I still be able to use it?
I start feeling uneasy.
At lunch I ate tofu that was on sale.
But it was a mistake.
It was like ton tofu.
I also stopped myself from buying something else.
And earlier I told my podcast.
Don't turn on the stove until it gets cold.
But after my nap I was sweating.
And said it's hot in here.
Tomorrow it's probably be freezing again.
Because they won't turn on the stove.
I found a YouTube channel.
About second generation religion kit.
I thought maybe I could make a show like that.
But I can't do it.
I don't have anything more to say about religion.
And I can't interview people.
I'd be nice.
It would be nice.
If I had someone like that to talk to.
Tomorrow there's some local religious gathering.
Sometimes my parents suddenly say.
We have to go early in this morning.
And it means it mess up my routine.
This morning they went shopping at 9.
Which is unusual.
Sometimes they plan to go.
But they don't.
And they go the next morning.
It's hard to plan anything.
It's strange.
Siblings share the same parents.
So you'd think they'd look similar.
But from what I've seen.
More than 80% of the time.
One looks okay.
And the other doesn't.
Today was like that too.
27:00
A famous singer's brother.
Looked like a normal old guy.
Today an idol asked a store worker.
Is this shake with sweet?
She is smart.
But the worker must have been confused.
Shakes are sweet.
It's like asking a sprinter.
Is this runner fast?
I felt like I should live more rightly.
I think too much.
When I asked questions.
She probably didn't mean anything deep.
And today someone I know got into Nogizaka.
And I've been supporting her.
I guess that's why okay.
I only shake sometimes anyway.
And people who talk with love.
About something they like.
Like saunas.
I wonder if they feel empty afterward.
It's their job or something fine.
But even if what they love gets popular.
It doesn't change their life.
I guess I don't have that empathy thing.
Other people have.
I understand wanting to talk about what you like.
But I feel like I don't mean much.
But I'm also jealous.
People who make videos about trains.
Or anything they love.
I'm jealous.
They have that passion.
Earlier I told my parent it's hot.
And she said I felt chills.
She not sick.
So why chills?
Maybe it's true today.
But after all the lies.
I can't trust it.
There aren't many Hikikomori podcast.
So it's a chance.
But chance scare me.
And I quit.
Same with my old blog.
I changed the name.
30:00
And I realized I can record this podcast.
Because of my parents.
I should be grateful.
Someone I know might be listening.
And when I heard that.
I said I felt troubled.
But I should just be happy.
I regret that like 20 times.
Entrance exam season is coming.
And cram school put ads in the newspaper.
Someone I know was in it.
It made me feel bad.
Maybe because I wanted to go to college.
And maybe work at the cram school.
Maybe that's why I hate cram school ads.
Apparently cram schools only exist in Japan.
Maybe China or Korea too.
But not America.
America don't gather everyday for cram.
Activity they practice on their own.
And only meet on game day.
I was imagining an idol asking staff.
What's wrong with me?
Why am I not popular?
And the staff saying.
The problem is that you came to ask.
I trust you to understand that's not being chosen.
Doesn't mean something is wrong with you.
Just a random fantasy.
I do that even I'm busy.
I was talking with my podcast.
An idol said once ate 50 plates of sushi.
I said.
She said that again.
We kept talking normally.
But at the end my parents said.
Who are 50 plates?
So she didn't understand anything.
But kept talking.
It's frustrating.
I feel ignored.
As a dentist.
They always trying to sell toothbrushes.
Every time.
But nobody online complained about it.
Maybe it's just me.
33:02
Next topic.
When I watch TV.
I think that the chopsticks touched somethingelse.
Or that sauce bottle is dirty.
Or kids will touch that with their hand.
Their sleeves will touch the food.
It stressed me out.
In the car.
When people talk while eating.
I feel sick.
I don't know how they don't get car sick.
Yesterday.
I imagined a roller coaster.
Stopping upside down.
Just a fantasy.
But it made me feel sick.
Now the food corner.
Right now.
Last night.
I ate frozen sausage.
It was good.
And tofu with something fried.
Not gum or something else.
My mom calls all fried fish cake.
Kamaboko.
It's not totally wrong.
But the interest doesn't say that.
It was fluffy and good.
I forgot.
I was talking about WBC.
I asked if Otani had a game yesterday.
My parents got confused.
They said something about Taiwan.
They said she didn't know.
I don't understand.
Anyway.
Thanks for listening to the show.
