00:03
The time continued to flow, in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I'm thinking of what to talk about today.
And first, about the chickpeas.
I don't really know why I choose them.
There are many kinds of beans, like broad beans,tiger beans, or lentil.
At first, I thought I had to pick something.
In short, in normal stores, chickpeas aren'treally like that.
But I decided it was OK to buy them online.
I don't remember why.
Even when I decided American ones were OK.
I didn't think about other types.
I didn't think so much about the show name.
But I was so curious about the beans.
It felt so natural that I didn't even think aboutit.
I asked my mother why.
And she just said,
You are the one who said you wanted them.
I didn't ask who said it.
Who said it?
I wanted to know why I said it.
My mother said other beans don't really have ataste.
I looked at it.
That's not true at all.
I found two cheap kinds from America.
I thought one had no taste.
But it actually has the strongest taste.
But the taste goes away.
When you buy them, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.
I'm focusing on this too much.
There might be other cheap beans.
So I wonder why I picked chickpeas, carrots, andeven that row.
I looked up price on Rakuten.
How strange the taste are.
It's meaningless because I'm not buying beanpowder.
03:05
But I can't really go.
I'm not bad with technology.
And I like to be efficient.
But I was in such a hurry that I missed the easyway to research.
It took a long time when it should have been fast.
That always happens.
Next, I saw a sport player who said they lookedvery different like they had faced surgery.
My mother said you are the one who said they hadsurgery before.
That's no way I said that.
I don't think sport players do that.
So I'd never say it.
But she was so sure.
I've no idea where that memory came from.
Why she's so confident.
I was sitting there, planning to use the computer.
My mother asked what I was doing.
She actually had something she needed to do.
I felt bad for just sitting there.
I've been lied to by her.
I've been lied to by her many times.
So I don't trust her.
I don't trust her.
And that's why I said something.
I mean, I regretted it later.
She was helping me with the computer.
So I should have been nicer.
But to the chickpeas, they don't taste likepumpkin.
I'm still looking it up and thinking about it.
Even my mother doesn't know.
But they definitely taste like something.
I know it's a gross feeling.
I slept today.
Even though I think I sleep fine at night.
I couldn't focus on the radio at all thisafternoon.
But the show name I took my phone.
Downstairs moves days to my computer.
But I wore it.
But it's all afternoon.
I was scared of going back upstairs and thinkingabout it for hours.
But I shouldn't rush it.
06:01
I wanna put some words Japanese in the title tofeel safe.
I guess I'm not confident in myself.
I talked to my mother.
But until I looked up what happened when you putchickpeas in a blender.
But I couldn't find an answer.
I bought them anyway.
I told her she wouldn't find anything online.
But she looked up anyway.
She said she found people making powder.
But that doesn't help at all.
She doesn't listen to me.
She wasted time looking it up.
And it just gave me stress.
She's probably shortening my life by 6 months.
I've been thinking about the show name.
And realized my stories don't really have an endpoint.
Other people always jump to conclusion human loveto believe in things.
But people decide on the answer way too easily.
I always felt something was off about that.
Deciding on the answer or lesson is like areligion.
People say you should do this.
I'm a better person now.
Because of this.
But that's just a temporary judgment.
You can't really decide things like that.
That's the main trait of my thinking.
Most people want to feel safe by having the rightanswer.
I'm recording in the evening.
I'm realizing the same thing while thinking aboutthe show.
People say things differently often than others.
But they can't put it into words.
I can't explain my feelings or thoughts well.
So people don't understand me.
I don't even understand myself.
Basically it has no meaning.
This might be a coincidence.
But I think it's all connected.
I don't have meaning for life.
I don't even want to look for one.
I don't think it exists.
It's just a dream people make up in their head.
09:00
Since I'm this older.
Can't put things into words.
It also has no meaning.
My life's nihilist.
Cause I can't explain myself.
No one explains things for me.
I wonder how that connects to the meaning in life.
I hear a loud woman's voice outside.
It makes me very angry.
Anyway,I'm worrying.
But without the include.
Japan are quitting religion.
In the show name.
I also feel like my situation is different fromthe developmental disorder.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I think of myself as unclassified or just anoutsider.
But if I use those words.
I just seem like someone so one can understand.
Not enough explanation.
I feel like I've never mastered anything.
Lately I've been researching how the tongue moves.
And how to open the mouth for English.
But that's new.
I've worried about English since middle school.
About my work.
It's just my own way.
I don't know the science.
Sleep?
Gut get?
I thought a lot about wordpress before.
In school I did work out and listened to music.
I don't know about music theory.
Even though I've listened to a lot.
Maybe philosophy is the only thing.
But that's only 10 years ago before that.
I was in a religion.
I don't know much about anime or manga.
I'm trying to master English now.
So I feel like my past was better.
I can't really talk about food on the podcast.
I don't think I've wasted my time.
But I avoid mastering things.
Because I'm a perfectionist.
I'm not a person who can stay with my hobby for along time.
I get bored easily.
I wish I had one path.
I'd followed things past life.
But maybe it's good that I can do many things.
I've been so jealous of people who are interestedat something.
Like programmers.
12:00
Dream fund.
Artist or musicians.
I'm recording at night.
I realize that I'm lucky.
I'm a pro at staying inside.
That's the only thing I've mastered.
But I can't give advice or write a book about it.
This podcast is my only log.
It's weird to say.
I'm a pro at staying inside.
But I can't use that for anything.
Some dream funds are famous on YouTube or makegroups.
So some people become teachers or researchers.
Mastering something is fun.
If I master my life here,
I have to leave this house someday.
My days jump loop over and over.
I wonder why I should make more shows like a videopodcast and idol shows.
They make art as a student and an artist.
University talk about it today.
They're praising the art.
But maybe art wants those shows too.
Being creative and being good at art are differentthings.
I wonder if all artists have the same thing incommon.
I'd never succeed in art.
But I had a daydream.
I imagined an art student saying they like Nogizaka even more.
Now because they realize there are many creativepeople in it.
I'm recording in the evening.
I think this mushroom cream croquette might be thebest one.
It might be better than a pumpkin one.
Also cabbage and bacon.
That food that's like gum was in the boiled foodagain.
The chicken was good.
The radish and carrot were great too.
I saw a commercial where they eat rice with justsoup or pickles.
I like simple things right there.
I heard that famous soup commercial plays aroundthe time children watch TV.
15:05
I thought that was interesting.
Kids tell their parents to buy it.
So they buy it then.
I'm a cheap person.
So I ate my croquette in tiny pieces.
But then I realized I can't really taste it.
I've made that mistake many times.
I rarely taste it.
I've made that mistake many times.
I used to eat alone at once.
But when I eat like this it feels different.
Usually I lose focus because I'm worried.
I ate while worrying if I should eat in smallpieces.
An actor said it's great that an idol goes to agood university.
But that actor also went to a good university.
It felt like they were trying to place their ownschool level.
It didn't feel bad.
But I thought they probably think they arespecial.
I didn't really like that.
Today Shohei Otani was angry which is rare.
The catcher's hand hit him.
But it wasn't on purpose.
I wonder why he got angry at that.
Instead of when someone does something mean onpurpose I'm recording at night.
It's about 10.30.
I scratched that itchy place in my sleep again.
And got up to wash my hand.
I tried to think of the show name.
But I thought about the missing person careinstead.
I always get lost in my daydream.
I thought it was about midnight.
But it was already 2pm.
I must be sleeping.
I try not to sleep after I scratch.
So it was dangerous.
I should go downstairs right away.
When I see news about parents and children.
I don't feel afraid of my own parents.
18:01
But they know I have a mental problem.
And that I'm angry.
So they might be a little afraid of me.
That makes me feel bad.
This missing person case reminds me of my bestfriend in the baseball club in elementary school.
His parents got angry again.
The new father was scary.
He had to live at his grandmother's house.
He was an only child like me.
I thought about what I'd do in that situation.
I felt so sorry for him.
It's like his mother was taken away.
The new family might be happy.
But he was left out.
He had to change schools.
He was probably very scared.
I realized many times that I shouldn't show that.
I don't want people to look down on me.
But most people in the world do that.
On TV shows, they act scary.
They are saying mean things to show they areserious.
They show they don't want to be made fun of.
I was trying to hold that back.
I thought acting like that isn't like an adult.
I've been told not to act like that.
But everyone else does it.
Normally, I scratch my body.
But four times today, I went to wash my hands.
It's been cold at night lately.
It's cold for two hours after I get into bed.
I don't turn on the heater in the morning.
So it's a bad time.
I can't decide on a show name because I care toomuch.
I had a strange daydream this morning.
A show host told me that when we first met,
I had a special feeling like an adult.
He said I'm different by nature.
He said it's honestly because it's a show.
He said he was worried at first because I'm toomuch personality.
But the group was great, so it was okay.
I had another ghost experience this morning.
I wrote down some show name idea in two places.
21:00
But they were gone from both.
I had to give up those ideas.
I was thinking if everything is decided by luck.
When a good idea comes to me,
I think it's just a lucky mix of words like apuzzle.
Even others' creative work may be just a luckypattern.
We just make it sound beautiful in our head.
So trying many times makes sense.
