00:05
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
A childhood friend from my neighborhood used totreat me like a slave.
It was awful. I've been thinking about maybe it'sjust human nature to act like that towards someoneweaker.
He probably didn't act that way at home.
He just found someone weak and turned into that.It was just my fate.
My cram school teacher in middle school saidthings that made no sense, but apparently he gotan award for good grades.
But he said that once his classmates got highschool, they all stopped studying.
So he ripped up his award, even though he told hisstudents there was no need to study once you gotinto high school.
There was no proof for that.
He did well in high school but not in college. It's fine if he wouldn't think that way for himself.
But it's terrible to say that to his students. Hewas so off balance. His thinking was too biased.
You have to study in high school. You probablyhave to study even more than in middle school so Idon't get it.
What if a group was talking? He'd tell me, I'm nottalking to you.
But when I talk with my relative, if two peopleare talking, others join.
03:00
That teacher told me that way. I didn't join.
When a friend was talking to their best friend inhigh school and I got graded, my parents got madat me.
It's all because of that stupid teacher. I don'teven wanna see the faces of people like that.
I was thinking today about how many people ruinedmy life. I can't take it back.
But I guess it's better that I'm at risk thinkingmy life went wrong.
I became too nihilistic and felt like nothing waswrong. That might be worse.
But thinking too much isn't good either. Thebiggest problem is becoming self-destructive.
It's bad to feel like your life doesn't matter.
I haven't reached that point yet. But it'd be niceif I could just stop thinking about the past.
I'm just not that smooth of a person. I mentionedsomeone like me earlier.
He seems very clumsy and impatient too. And he'sbad with tech.
We are really similar. Sometimes you find peoplelike that. If one or two things are the same,everything else usually matches too.
I was thinking about the actors in Harry Potterwho grew up together.
They are so important to each other that it goesbeyond romance.
So they never become lovers. That's just my guessor fantasy.
Also I'm being a hypocrite. I'm worried aboutprices going up because of the war.
And I was scared. But when this new virus startedcoming,
I secretly hoped it would spread like COVID, butit wasn't that contagious.
So I felt down. It's a contradiction. It's thesame thing because it hurts the economy.
Every day is full of regret. I soon discoveredabout my show.
But I couldn't talk about them before. I wonder ifI already talked about it.
06:00
I was looking back to see if there was any point Icould say the few things I should just talk aboutit all together.
I said before that I feel a real reaction fromphysical things. I don't trust meaning or stories,but physical things feel real.
But I don't care about things the way of sciencenerd does.
My interest is different from someone with Asperger's even medically.
I'm a bit off around that. That's why I hate theidea of developmental disorders.
I'm more interested in people. Even in my life,for philosophy, my interest goes toward people.
Usually when people feel down or hopeless, theylook for a good way out.
They look for a new hope. But even if you just tryto live a quiet day, you still look for a teenybit of hope.
I used to be that way, so I know. I was lookingfor a new form, which is hope. I knew it.
But I didn't think of it as hope. That littleopening is dangerous. Humans just end up havinghope. It's an instinct.
My philosophy or way of thinking doesn't matter.In the end, it's just a big feeling.
Even now, thinking about my show name, I shouldn'thave any weird fantasy.
If you start believing in something absolute orsome kind of rescue, like if I just do this, I'llbe fine.
It doesn't save you. It leads to a terriblefuture. It's like that mirror in Harry Potter thatshows your ideal world.
It ruins you.
It's night now. I was daydreaming earlier, buttalking to my parents, my dad was crying.
It was like a dream. He was crying and saying,thanks for being born.
There was a dream. Thinking about that made me sadbecause I haven't seen my parents in years.
I always think about this when I go to thebathroom. When I'm doing a routine, my focus goesaway.
09:00
It's earlier to daydream. Maybe it's easier tofocus on the fantasy. The more I focus on anaction, the more it happens.
Same with eating. It's strange. The more I try tofocus on the taste, the less I can do it.
It proves I'm not the one controlling this body ormy senses.
Also, about eating, since a long time ago, once Ipick up a plate, I eat that one thing until theend.
I move to the next thing until it will go.
It's just breading than the meat. Later, I startedeating different things because I got bored.
But lately, I become stiff again. I guess when Ihave a lot of stress or feel obsessive, I get likethat.
Today was salmon. Halfway through, I couldn'ttaste it anymore. It was good.
Then, fried chicken. I lost the taste for thattoo. It would have been better if I ate somecabbage in between to change the taste.
I don't get bored. There's also hearing pickles. Iheard a celebrity say they did CA from age 3 to 9and it was their only hobby.
They couldn't keep doing. That means they did theother for about 6 years. I was shocked.
People say they did piano or ballet for 9 years.What's common is that they do it for so longwithout much effort. It always surprised me.
But even if they do it that long, they are alwaysmasters. Many say they did it but were still bad.
So I guess it's just talent. Doing it for a longtime doesn't mean you'll reach the top. But manypeople have an ability to just keep going.
They seem to enjoy it without trying too hard. Ialso imagined a female radio host saying,
She's not happy. She got explode. I thought thatwould be a funny scene. I heard that in elementaryschool, they make kids debate.
I heard about two kids fighting and the teachermaking everyone debate who was right. I heard thattoo.
12:08
But they don't do that in middle or high school.Why? Because in elementary school, there's nothingelse to do.
I think something is wrong. There's nothing to doat school.
Baby sitter can be better than teacher. But travelI won't do. There are really that many placespeople wanna go.
Many Japanese people travel. I live in Hokkaidoand it's usually high in the ranking.
But even living here, I don't really feel likegoing anywhere specific. I get it if you have onespecific spot you must see.
But those places are rare. I thought but whypeople go? Maybe they just wanna travel first.
They become pleased by process of illumination. It's more about escaping reality and feeling adifferent vibe.
If so, it doesn't have to be a trip. Goingoverseas seems even crazier. It's dangerous andyou might come back without really getting.
It's same with domestic travel. You don't reallywanna go. But you wanna feel something different.
So you look at the magazine and get tricked intogoing. It's really weird.
Also, there are so many people who hate losing. Ithought this for a long time. It makes sense forkids.
I wasn't like that as a kid. But even after Ibecame someone who hates losing, I wonder whyeveryone else is like that.
I have a dark feeling. So I get why I'm like this.But why is everyone else?
Maybe if they have older siblings, I get it. But Idon't think that many people in Japan have hadsuch a frustrating life.
Even my generation, maybe the older generation wholived through were.
I said I hate losing but most people seem way moreintense about it than me.
I even wonder if I'm not that type of person.After all, I looked up who made Mario.
I knew it but the name is not famous. It's a shamesince it's such a huge thing.
15:09
In other countries, it seems like an old Disney.Shigeru Miyamoto in the game world, the creatorsdon't usually stand out so it's fine.
But with music, people judge if a song is goodbased on if it's a hit.
They judge without knowing anything about art.That's why they make mistakes.
It's the same with classical music. Many peoplejudge the lyrics.
It's a long history so it can't be helped.
But another strange thing happened. The neighborsused to give me croquettes when I was a kid.
I thought I tasted the same taste this morning.Just the breading, it was strange.
Chicken is treated like it's cheap but without it,we wouldn't have fried chicken.
It's used in curry overseas too. I feel like it'sa bad spot and undervalued.
The low price is nice this morning. The croquettewas shock. The fried chicken was good too.
Like I always say, I try to record my Englishdiary. I think about it all the time.
If I think about recording in the morning, thewhole night is painful.
Here's my secret movie. I decide I'm not gonna doit.
Then right before I decide to do it, that's whythe painful time is shorter.
Most people couldn't do that. I couldn't beforeeither.
If I made that a habit, I'd be lying to myself.
If I made that a habit, I'd be lying to myself andchanging plans.
I thought about the future again. Today, I have aserious illness, but being in the hospital ishard.
I almost felt hopeless imagining myself in ahospital in the future, but I didn't stay there.
I don't escape the hopelessness.
I don't have a ability to sit in that feeling.That's why this plan was so important for me.
It kept hope and hopelessness from lasting toolong.
If they lasted, I couldn't live my life. It wasgood to lose the luxury of feeling hopeless.
18:07
I realized something about my show name, too.
Men are interested in many women, and I looked itup.
It's genetic and human evolution.
Pale skin with a sign of being healthy and facialsymmetry.
If a face isn't asymmetrical, the genes aresupposedly better.
Maybe that's why symmetrical faces look beautiful.
Same with Harry Potter Mozart. Mozart's music isn't just bright.
It's been called devil's music because it has adark side.
Maybe that's why it's signed. I don't think it'sjust about having two sides.
We just see it as dark.
The two wheels together make something shine.
It's weird. I used to hate being in the bathroomfor a long time.
Lately, my sense feels dull. I don't feel it'spainful at all.
I wonder if something is wrong. I get anxious whensomething changes.
Even if it's a good thing, if I were a producer, I'd make things better.
I daydream about it.
Yesterday, two idols were talking on a bed.
I don't know why it was a bed.
I'd let them do whatever if I did.
If I did this or that, it'd be more interesting.
But that's not a job you do alone. It's not forme.
I'm definitely not right for it.
Watching Harry Potter, if it's just a good guywinning, it's fine for kids.
But not interesting.
The main character having a dark side makes thestory better.
But in the real world, catching that darkness isweird.
I'm so obsessed with things that I lose my cool.
I just keep thinking and searching.
I was looking at dark clouds. I don't know whythey work.
I found some contradiction.
I've been looking them up for days.
Even if Harry Potter's story is simple and it'smysteries, I figure it out pretty fast.
I usually am bad at mysteries.
But if I get it, I wanted to think about it more.
21:04
If it goes wrong, it's bad.
If it goes well, it's boring.
Looking back at Ghibli movies, in some countries,it's magic.
In others, it's God.
Humans see things that aren't there.
They use stories to hide those vague things andtry to understand or trick themselves.
Every country and area does it.
There's something common there.
We see things that aren't there.
Is there anyone in the world who doesn't do that?
While eating, I taste it, but the feeling justrose in the past immediately.
If I try to taste it right now, I can't.
The more I try, the less I can.
Like I always say, I can't focus.
Focusing on tasting makes it impossible.
This frustration isn't bad.
It's a discovery.
We think we see what's in front of us, but we don't.
I have to pick a show name if I'm going to spendanother month.
Maybe I should just go with my instincts.
Same with the show description.
I might regret it or end up thinking about itanyway.