00:06
NO ILLUSIONS TO LIVE BY
Didn't you just say 0.2? Then she gave me anattitude like, I'll explain slowly, so rest andcarefully. Then she said 0.6. Also the two decimalwords just added, which made no sense. It was anexplanation that no one could understand.
We've been together for many years, so there arethings I can understand. But even so, theexplanation was very bad. She assumed that whatshe sees, what the other person also sees.
Normally, people of imagination think about how toexplain so the other person can understand. She'savoiding the effort thinking. We were also talkingabout a program description. I don't clearlyremember this.
But I asked if there was an English present. Shesaid there wasn't. There was also based on anassumption, but in reality it exists.
But in the morning, she said it was the same asthe program description text. So it was different.When I asked again, she said that was not true.
She also said something like, because I don'tunderstand English content, I don't understand it.In the morning, I wondered why she decided it wasthe same as the program description text.
When I asked again later, she said it was not thatsimilar, but the length of the text is clearlydifferent. She said I didn't read it properly.
03:09
Then I pointed out again that this is the samemistake as before, because she decided somethingwithout reading it properly and assumed it wassimilar, even though it clearly wasn't.
She later insisted it was not the programdescription crumb. It took about 10 minutes forher to understand it.
Even though I told her it was the programdescription, she didn't believe it. She probablythought it felt different from other texts, so sheassumed it was not part of the list.
It took about 20 minutes overall, even thoughthere was no time. In the morning, she also saidit was the same as the program description, butlater she denied saying that.
She kept trying to deny it, but her explanationitself is strange and confusing. She was alsoconfused herself, saying she didn't know how toexplain it.
There was also something about the phone screenbrightness not increasing. I asked if she changedthe setting, and she said she didn't changeanything from my side.
It's setting not changed. Brightness cannotchange, but she still insisted nothing waschanged, again based on assumption reacting towhat I said.
There are also other things, but I can't rememberthem clearly, so I will go to the next topic.
As I said before, I started watching detectivedramas a lot, who I watched many episodes at once.I lose the ability to solve the mystery, but if Idon't watch them, spoilers might come out on YahooNews.
I also feel I have to do it perfectly, so I thinktonight I can just watch episodes 3 or 4 togetheranyway, so it becomes the same as finishing thewhole series.
By the way, yesterday morning, my mom went torenew her driver's license, and she got veryexcited talking about it. At a time like that, Ifeel like I should listen carefully atconsideration.
06:20
I wanna go upstairs quickly and record my Englishpodcast, but I still listen to her. I don't evenknow how to react because I don't fully understandwhat she is saying.
But I listened for about 20 minutes. In theafternoon, she was in a good mood, maybe good, andthe pressure was gone, but I thought this wouldprobably reverse later.
She would become irritated again in this moment. Idon't know how I should respond. If I stay calm,it feels a bit sad for her.
But if I act, I act right. I already have seen herbecome irritated later, so see, I ended upthinking I don't know how to get too excited.
I also remember a trauma from school. I was brawling with a club school teacher. I don't likeheavy metal music, but it was playing. I said, it's playing again.
The teacher said, if you don't like it, you canget off. At that time, I thought I should sit,then call the police or try and make me get off.Now I think probably it's OK.
But I also thought that having an escape route isimportant in a drama. A bullied character saidthat if they fail, they can always fight back.
They feel mentally easier even if they don'tactually do it. That idea makes sense.
However, when I think I should have done this inthe past, it doesn't become an escape route. Itonly makes things worse. It is like a nightmare,even if I don't want to think about it.
But I still think about it. I don't really feelthe kind of mystery that comes from lack of statusor money. My family is also not low status. Termsof reserve level, they are not at the bottom.
09:16
But I once saw something on a policy that I don'twant to be involved with again. It felt like theywere just people who were followed by counteracts.People were treated as truthful numbers, onlyusefulness and manners. I felt that kind ofthinking was rare.
Japan is a bit special. It's not like only rich orhigh status families can enter school in Japan.
Entrance exams are relatively fair based onscores, even if there are things like clubactivities or student council. University examsare mostly based on test scores. It is strict butfair.
I am making a cover art but a new program has comeup. I need to express that I am not in despair andI have not thrown away salvation.
I just live normally like this. But I also cannotmake it sound like I am saying and there is nomeaning. But I will keep going in a rebelliousway.
I also cannot make it sound like I am doing itfrom above looking down. I don't want to say thatthere is no meaning in a strong way either.
The idea that there is no meaning but it continuesand grows but it fails like resistance againstemptiness.
I think no meaning and continuation are separatethings but when I put it in words it does not comeacross well.
The more I put it in words about myself the weakerit feels. Normally people react that there is nomeaning but what I am doing in a podcast, thereaction to that idea is my reaction itself.
12:01
Since I quit religion I have been trying not tobuild stories or narratives in daily life. I tryto stay in an observer position but even thatbecomes distorted if I try to turn it into a wayof expressing.
Then I remember something. A artist said he hatesthe word shouganai but I also heard a foreignperson say it is a good word. It seems to existonly in Japanese.
What is interesting about this word is thatnormally people attach meanings like this willlead to something good later or it will be usefulin the future but shouganai removes that it isacceptable.
In reality without adding anything it just says itis what it is.
Some people label that as compromise in a negativeway but I think compromise is not always bad.
For example people say you are fine as you are andthere is acceptance or existence but shouganai canalso sound like it is too late or there is nohelp.
It becomes resignation. Personally I try not tolet things reach that point. I don't usually useshouganai in that sense.
Sometimes parents or teachers reach a point wherethey think there is nothing we can do and thatlabel requires responsibility and you cannot justleave it.
Some people compare it with religion or teacherswho keep reliving ideas even when they are illogical they don't give up and still believe it istrue.
So in that sense they may have responsibility butI also think some of them are strange.
My parents driving instructor was very strictbecause he was from the defense force.
I don't understand why the strictness carried overto driving school.
15:03
Using the wrong system in a different place. Thereare people who treat everything the same waybecause they experienced strictness before butthat doesn't fit the situation.
Self-defense forces discipline for safety. Drivingschool is different. Teachers or coaches who applythe same strictness somewhere feel strange to me.
Next I move to another topic. If I keep watchingdetective drama I read the update to solve themystery but if I stop watching I might see theending and Yahoo news so I get stuck.
Then I feel I have to do it perfectly but then Inotice that watching episode 3 or 4 together I amwatching all of them and they are also the sameresult so I try to accept that.
In the morning my mom was talking a lot but I amgoing to renew her driver's license so I felt Ishould listen to her under consideration.
I wanted to go upstairs and record my Englishpodcast but I listened anyway. I don't know how toreact because I don't understand the content.
I listened for about 20 minutes in the afternoon.Mom was in a good mood but I felt that later itwould reverse and she would become in a bad moodagain.
At this moment I don't know how to respond. When Istay calm it brings fear to her. When I act happyI already know it will not continue.
I feel I don't want too much excitement. Iremembered trauma from school. I went bowling witha grammar school teacher.
Next I started thinking about hobbies and fixation. Even if I decide to stay consistent in myown mother's words, change in the outside world,like trends disappearing, I eventually notice thelimit of the hobby itself and I am really insomething I feel strong meaning in it.
18:01
When I step back I realize that meaning istemporary and the thing itself is not so abstract.
Interest can fade and that certainly makescommitment difficult.
If something is definitely meaningful I can'tfully explore it. But if I think it has no futurevalue I stop doing it. I end up in acontradiction.
The advantage of thinking it has no meaning isthat there is less anxiety because I assume I willquit anyway but nothing continues. On the otherhand, when I think it will continue I feel anxietybecause I might lose it later.
Both sides have problems.
They do something with choice. Even if it is a lowpaid work like a restaurant job or shop work, theimportant point is not whether it is objectivelymeaningful but whether they feel they can chooseit freely.
The opinion to quit might be important. Also, Isometimes feel envy towards people who have enoughfinancial stability to stop working at any time.
Even athletes who have already earned enough moneyseem enviable because if someone realizes thatdoing nothing is also okay then that person mightactually be happy.
Normally people think they must work but maybethat is not always true. On the other hand, I feelhappy when I cannot work.
Next there was a meeting where my parents were onthe phone. They didn't come downstairs for a longtime. I started worrying they might be sick butthey were just talking.
21:06
While I was trying to record my English podcast,they kept interrupting me. I had to ignore it andcontinue recording.
They called me a few times and I felt uneasy. NextI thought about school days. I was trying to finda future path but things collapsed mentally.
Even now I still wonder if I can work withoutcollapse again but I could not maintain stability.I still feel unsure whether it is because of mydevelopmental difficulties or something else.
I can't fully conclude it with nothing but I alsocannot deny it. If I try working again and fail, Ifeel like I might not recover next time so I thinktaking that risk is dangerous.
At the moment, I am not committing crimes. Thoseaddictions are serious conflicts with others but Ifeel that if something goes wrong, it may alreadybe too late.
Next I want to talk about something morephilosophical. I didn't discover emptiness andovercome it or defeat it. I just noticed emptinessand kept living and said it is usual.
Nothing in daily life changed in my life. Evenwhen religion practice stopped, daily routinestayed almost the same except the time used forprayers in that sense.
Emptiness is not central in my life. It is notsomething I will fight and not something I willovercome. It is just a background, not central. Idon't usually think about it.
In daily situation, I don't feel stress or meaningaround it. I remember something honest that didnot like the world.
