00:00
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I don't know yet. It's about the price of tofu.
I said it over and over like 5 or 6 times. Mybrain is glitching out.
Next thing is something went wrong with myrecording app. Now I'm getting scared.
What if my phone or the app break down? I wastrying to find something I could do.
But it didn't work out. It's scary.
Really, next thing is, I watched up to episode 2and I feel like I just don't fit in with regularpeople.
Still, I think I was enjoying it okay.
But it's just, you know, I just can't. I'll talkabout this today.
But things like magic stuff like that, I just can't take it at all.
My body just pushed its way.
So I can't really get into it.
I mean, I can't really get into fiction itself inthe first place.
Because even the real world feels like nothing butfiction to me.
But, you know, anyway, yesterday I was looking ata guy who plays Harry Potter.
And I thought he must be pretty old now.
So I looked him up and then the next day, wait,no, that day,
I thought the math didn't add up.
I thought it was weird.
But when I looked the next day, it wasn't theactor's age, it was the age in the story.
Sometimes this happens, but it's rare.
I can't believe I made a mistake like this.
I looked it up so many times the day before
and kept thinking it was weird.
I'm sure I checked Wikipedia too.
I really felt like I got taken by a ghost orsomething.
But it was just the actor's age. There's no way Imissed that.
03:06
I felt so bad about it.
Also, I thought I watched number one and numbertwo.
I told myself I saw number two as a teacher and athome.
But guess what? I probably didn't see number two.
So I watched number one twice and started withnumber two.
That's crazy, right?
I make these huge mistakes sometimes.
I guess I really don't worry too much aboutmovies.
I watched number one thinking it was number two.
And since I've seen it once, I should notice I'veseen this before.
I'm so ashamed. A long time ago, even when Iwatched dramas,
I didn't really get what was going on and regretted it.
So now I go through articles that explaineverything or look at the summary reallycarefully.
And I realize I didn't get anything at all.
And I spend a lot of time on this.
So I wanted to watch the next one today, but I'mnot done with that yet.
So I can't watch this.
Also, I was talking to my mom about movies andthought something like Star Wars is obviouslyimpossible, right?
But people get interested in it.
Or rather, they're more interested in that kind ofstuff.
So maybe they find something that's totally outthere and fantasy-attractive because it's likethat.
But before, in a Japanese baseball drama, everyonehad blonde hair and that's completely impossible.
So I wondered why everyone found it interestingwhen it's not real at all, but they do find thatkind of thing.
I never do.
But with Harry Potter, it's the opposite.
It's mixed fantasy and reality.
And when I watched it, I saw a lot of stuff aboutfoods up and foods down.
And the way people act is drama really well.
And it's some mystery stuff too.
So that's why it got popular.
And that's why I think that if good balance getspopular,
06:01
I think that golden way and fantasy are found intheir own way too.
I guess I don't find it found at all.
So that's where I'm right now.
First, what happened today.
I was having my mom work in the computer likealways.
And even when I said this is in the page, she didn't believe me.
Nothing hurts more than not being trusted bypeople.
Especially when it's your parent.
But I don't know why it hurts.
Anyway, I just wish they'd trust me a bit more.
The way people act without thinking in time likethat show what they're really like inside, right?
It shows how they really feel.
Also, I don't fit in with Japanese people.
So I wonder what kind of countries people can fitin with.
Then I thought, instead of people who just wannahave fun all the time,
maybe people with smart brain and listen to what Ihave to say.
And before, the kind of country I looked up to.
To put it simply, it's a country that gets a lotof Nobel Prize.
I thought I'd fit in better with a country thatmakes a lot of artists.
Especially when I'm listening to classical music.
I thought I'd fit in better with a country likethat.
And then around happy country.
But after a while, I started to feel like I'd fitin better with people who don't think about thesedifficult things.
And it's not that these people are cold and seethings as they are.
It was actually the opposite.
For example, Germany is a lot of thinkers.
But they also have a lot of people who see thingsas they are.
And by the way, if it's about seeing things asthey are, it feels like it could describe me.
But as I'll talk about later, that seemed a bitdifferent too.
Cause it sounds like you got your field in theground.
You are efficient and nuance fields.
Like you have a goal and you are aiming forsuccess.
So it's different after all.
It's really hard to find a good word.
09:01
But if I say I don't care about anything, that'swrong too.
If I say the great person Nietzsche talks about,that's a bit too much.
And right now I don't have confidence in myself.
Since I'm someone whose level is way down.
My level is pretty low.
So I shouldn't try to look big.
I shouldn't act like I'm higher than I am.
But even if my thinking changes, I still wondersometimes what kind of country fits me.
If there's a country that matches who I am.
Also today again, I forgot what I was gonna talkabout in my podcast.
And then I forgot what I was gonna look up on myphone next.
I was gonna look up black holes.
I forgot it and didn't look it up for a few days.
Before when I did this, where I did muscletraining everyday.
I wanted to do the next day work.
I had to do the next day work, right?
Then I'm gonna do the day after that ahead of timeagain.
Sometimes I do like three days of work in one day.
In one day.
And my head gets totally full of it.
Right now to do the English episode for thepodcast.
I'm thinking about what to do tomorrow.
Like I'll record today.
And tomorrow I'll make a special episode about theshow description.
And I was thinking about all kind of things.
I keep thinking about with that stopped Englishepisode tomorrow or what.
I only think about that.
It means I end up making plans.
And you know, come to think of it.
I was watching a game.
Shogi players today.
And that players seem to have a lot of things theylike and don't like.
I never loved food.
And before I used to like people who weren'tinterested in food.
But now I think it's better if people care aboutfood.
And living food makes me so mad.
I can't feel a bit.
I mean today's fish ball probably cost aboutalmost 8000 yen.
And the fried fish looked expensive too.
So living food impossible.
I think so by the time.
Every time I watch.
12:01
I bet it's sweet at the end anyway.
I thought while watching.
Also I was watching a big candy event in Hokkaido.
I'm not gonna go there myself.
But watching it makes me think it looks fun andget me excited.
But if it were me.
You put a ton of sugar in your body, right?
You get hooked on it.
And you get so moved.
And find it so good.
And when it's gone.
That's when it's hard.
If it's a cigarette.
You might be able to buy them again.
Even if you're hooked.
But when there's an amazing candy.
You won't be able to buy it anymore.
Right?
I don't wanna bring that kind of things into mylife much.
So I can't understand people who go to Hawaii oncea year.
I end up thinking it must be so hard.
When they come back.
Sazae sounds fine.
Sazae sounds good.
Cause they do it again.
The next week.
Even with movie.
If it's fun.
You can just watch different movies next.
Also.
Sometimes there are people who are like me.
There are almost no people like that.
So it surprised me.
And this person.
I shouldn't say it myself.
But they feel pretty grown down.
There are many people like that.
They are too grown up.
Usually people throw their feelings at the otherperson.
Or say things that sound like a kid.
But they don't do that at all.
And I shouldn't say it myself.
But I wonder.
Once that as a human being.
This famous person.
The few parts that are like me.
First.
They got a really strange daily routine.
And once they get interested in something.
They only do that.
I guess.
I heard they buy a ton of things they like.
And just eat it.
And they don't watch anime.
But Conan.
The only one they watch.
When I was a kid.
Dragon Ball was the only one I watched.
And usually you move.
You move to other things.
Right?
But the fact that I only like that one thing.
The test I talked about before.
The famous personality test.
This famous person got the exact same type.
As me.
15:01
But they believe in telling the future.
That's the only part that's different.
They match a lot of other parts.
But the person I talk about today.
Seems to believe in telling the future a lot too.
It's strange.
The people who have a similar personality to me.
For some reason.
Both of them do.
It might be a coincidence.
But I thought about it.
And I don't get why.
If your personality type is the same.
It feels like you rely on stuff like telling thefuture.
But also the really bright kids.
When the host was really bright.
They were pretty quiet.
For me too.
My personality changes completely.
Depending on who I'm talking to.
Maybe everyone like that.
But if the air in the place is bright.
Everyone's happy.
For some reason I get a bad feeling and get dark.
And if everyone's quiet.
For some reason I suddenly get loud.
I have this weird trait.
You know.
And the two people I talked about today were.
Talking on the radio.
And they were different from usual.
I wonder if that's happened.
When the other person's too bright.
You end up showing your real self.
Without knowing it.
Like it happens automatically.
I wonder if there's some kind of effect like that.
It's a special show.
I talk in this.
In the morning.
I've been thinking about the show name up to now.
And looking back at myself.
At first I thought I was looking from just oneside.
But I feel like I'm getting closer to the deeppart of me.
So I will talk about it today.
At first I thought I became like this after I quitreligion.
But that's not it.
I found it having a total reality from the start.
Right from when I was born.
That's why even when I was into religion.
I was really into it.
But my body said no.
And it wasn't just a small doubt.
The more I was into it.
The more I was full of doubt.
And it was hurt.
And since I quit.
I don't want to rescue.
And I didn't look for meaning.
18:01
I kept stripping away meaning.
And became a total realist.
So here's the main point.
Everything is just a thing.
Everything in this world is just a thing.
I think that way.
But I don't think.
I'm a type to just say that and leave it.
Of course I'm cold about things.
Of course I don't treat meaning.
Hope it's a real truth.
I don't look for absolute meaning in life.
I don't think it's there from the start.
I don't accept it.
But I feel human feelings in life.
And the small part.
And these tiny things.
It's something that happens.
So I'm not saying daily life has zero value.
I just stopped trusting meaning.
After that I'm not a realist like these sciencenerd people.
I'm looking at the fear of what's left at the veryend.
You know I don't put too much trust and hope.
I don't make absolute things about believing inhard work.
I don't get aroused by stories.
But I have thrown away the fear of daily life.
There are many realists who see things as theyare.
And their things are dull.
And they don't feel things.
That makes sense.
If you're cold about things.
You end up like that.
But I haven't killed my fear.
I mean people believe in meaning.
Believe in stories.
And people who say meaning things.
Think everything has no value.
So even though things get dull.
It's strange.
If things get dull.
You'd think that I don't care about anything.
But I look at the small details.
And it feels a bit weird to say it myself.
I think it comes down to this.
It's not that I didn't get swallowed by the emptyspace.
But inside that empty space.
My senses are the only things that stayed alive ina crazy way.
They're saying two different things at once Iguess.
But that's just how I'm pulling it.
But it's rare.
21:01
Usually people go from the empty space to givingup completely.
And from there.
They got to breaking things.
Or the other way.
They run into quick fun.
Or they feel like everything doesn't matter.
But I didn't run off into not caring.
I made it my rule not to change.
I mean doing the same routine.
The same action.
And thinking the same things over and over.
Making it a loop.
That's how I keep living.
I'm not.
It's not that I wanna live.
But it's not that I wanna die either.
Since there's no meaning in either.
I'm just keeping my state where it is.
I can live like this because I know humans arejust living the thing.
I mean I don't see any meaning in living my lifeto the end.
And I don't see any meaning in not living it tothe end either.
I think both are just stories.
But if you think about it.
Other animals are the same.
They don't feel anything in living anyway.
Right?
But people quit religion and run into success orbig ideas or love.
Philosophy or spiritual things.
On the other hand.
I don't know how many people do this.
But I don't think many people go to the totalempty space.
But the ones who go there run into quick fun.
Giving up themselves.
Breaking things.
Losing their sense or not caring.
But I didn't go to either side.
And I don't plan to say I'm right either.
I don't say I'm on the right path to make myselflook good like other people do.
So when I say rules or living by rules.
It's weird.
I don't have a sense of what's right.
But it's not from a sense of justice or aiming forgoals.
It's just a quiet effort to keep myself frombreaking down.
To keep life moving right.
So I didn't try to break down.
But I didn't try to get saved either.
I didn't try to break down.
So the empty space being like that.
You know it means I was able to fit into the factthat there's no meaning to living.
24:00
On the other side.
I think there's something that takes the place ofmeaning.
Or there's kind of fun in being inside emptyspace.
But I couldn't fit into either of those.
To put it a bit strangely.
I didn't run away to hope.
I didn't give up.
I didn't believe in anything.
But I didn't break anything.
I just stayed the way I am.
This part is important.
People think a realist is their feet on theground.
Looks at fact instead of feeling.
They have that kind of image.
Also that they look at things in a smart way tosee the change of success.
They have that image too.
But I doubt hope itself.
And I doubt meaning itself in religion.
I was told to change.
But even changing itself like I said yesterday.
A goal is just a way to explain the future.
And a reason is just a way to explain an action.
I mean it's a story.
So I doubt the very idea that I should change.
I don't believe in absolute truth or faith.
The story of growing.
The story of hope at all.
I don't believe in them.
So I don't believe in reality.
I get rid of the lie of those stories.
And I feel like I exist in what's left.
Usually but rules this time is order.
I thought that was ok.
But it's not that I do it cause it's easy.
Or cause it's deficient.
Or cause I'll succeed.
I do it cause if I don't follow the rules.
I'll break down.
This is important for me too.
If things change.
There's chance.
I'll break down.
So I don't let things change.
But things still can't be a total stop.
Cause I'll break down.
It's funny.
If things change.
I'll break down.
And if I stop.
I'll break down.
So I just carry on quietly.
I'm inside this loop.
Next this is.
I don't have interest in things like science nerdsdo.
I'm interested in the touch of things.
I think things like hope and effort are dullthings that people have messed with.
And things that kept my around life going must be.
27:07
In fact I'll just say it must be.
But this is important too.
What I do with meaning is.
I use it as a toy.
As a tool.
It means it's not a rescue.
It's not a rescue.
I use it as a toy.
This is important too.
A story is nothing but a lie.
Like if you work hard.
You'll get reward.
You'll become somebody someday.
Every little change in life is like that.
People say it a lot.
Be a main person of your own life drama.
I don't even think there is a self from the start.
And I say not living as a main person.
Hope and feeling terrorize.
And mind is just things that happen too.
So I can only think things without real bodyterrorize.
I mean I think that's how it is.
But the routine I repeat doesn't terrorize.
Physical things happening doesn't terrorize.
That's what I mean.
When I said I'm not interested in science things.
I believe it in the sense that it doesn't terrorize.
Or I'm interested.
But I'm not interested in object as themselves.
I'm not looking at what's happen.
Because I'm interested.
I'm looking at it.
Because it's the only things I can trust.
So I'm a strange person who painted over thebelief of religion with rules.
Of course I think if I give up completely.
That's part of work story too.
Instead of believing in a future story where I'llbe reward someday.
I focus on putting up the physical things happenat this very moment.
So I try not to hold too much meaning.
I record my 24 hours steps in this show withoutany mistake.
I'm talking here as clear things being here.
Not a drama.
It's strange.
I don't believe.
Because I believe in meaning.
30:02
But I found out I was living.
Because I have rules.
It's saying two different things.
But it's not that I do it.
Because I feel meaning in the rules.
I care about the rules.
And as a result I just ended up here.
So I threw away meaning as a rescue.
But I kept meaning as an animal.
On the other hand.
It's a strange feel like I wanna go into themovies world.
But I felt left meaning one way and erased itanother.
But you know even though I'm cold about things.
There aren't blood running through it.
This feel is a feel with blood running through.
It's a feel with blood.
That's why me talking on the show isn't a smallanalysis or a story with a script.
I'm not making up a story or giving it meaning.
It's a record that I'm pretty.
I say so myself but that came out facing fact allthe time.
So if I treat the world as just a thing.
If I look at it that way and just say it.
It might be easy.
But then I can't talk about anything on the show.
I keep looking at it.
I keep looking at it with high resolution.
Well to be clear.
It's saying two different things.
But this is my life philosophy.
I couldn't go to an easy story.
It's a story of meaning.
But I kept myself from getting swallowed by theempty space.
Do you get it?
I look at it as just a thing.
But as a living human.
I feel the empty things and talk on the show.
So while looking at the empty space.
And being afraid of it.
I don't get swallowed.
And I don't run to a story either.
I keep living.
Just on the rules and the touch of fact.
I watched all kind of things as a machine thatlooks and checks things.
I don't run away to stories of success or hope.
I don't mean to say it in a pretty way.
But I see myself as a fact that's just there.
So for over ten years.
Meaning with nothing but a tool to kill time.
A tool to pass the time.
When I had too much of it.
33:02
One more time but lose.
It's not a positive order.
Even thinking there's no meaning to life is astory to me.
But moving away from the topic a bit.
Making a change.
You feel meaning there right?
Like I said before.
There's story and change.
You change because there's something pass thechange.
And since we are living things.
We don't change.
Unless we feel meaning.
Here.
This is important too.
It's not order.
It's like obsession.
There's no way out right?
Obsession that's good.
That's why I survived.
Because look at this.
It's the savior of my life.
That's why people who give up look dramatic.
I kept the state I'm in now.
It's different from the effort to becomesomething.
It's carrying on.
I feel a tiny bit of meaning in each part of life.
But I try not to hold too much meaning.
But in a life philosophy way.
I do feel meaning.
And I don't look at things happening in a scienceway.
I look at things happening.
Because it's the only things I can trust.
But what I'm talking about on the show.
I don't treat it completely as you think.
But I didn't look for the rescue.
And I didn't become like I don't care.
I have no hope.
But I live through it quietly.
Now for the next thing.
The reason I don't.
I don't rush into giving up myself.
Or breaking things.
Because I think that's nothing but a story too.
I mean I used to do religion.
And I believe in a story too much.
And went crazy.
So there's no way I'd run into a story.
Also I might talk about this later.
But usually people don't notice it's a story.
It's the same as when you watch a drama.
You notice your own life.
Whatever is a story.
And suddenly happily.
I notice a story is a lie.
There's a big gap with reality.
I mean I notice it's just a religion.
Usually even if you didn't notice it's a story.
36:01
It might be hard to see it as a lie.
Because my thinking is completely cold.
It's frozen.
Or rather it's not scary to see it that way.
You won't be able to believe anything in theworld.
It's full of lies like this.
I've been able to stand straight.
While staring at that empty space.
It's fine though.
Usually with thinking everything is empty.
People can't stay in the empty space.
So they run into the drama of breaking things.
So they run into the drama of breaking things.
Or quick fun to give themselves.
Meaning in the backward way.
But that's just a performance.
I used the word dramatic before.
Giving up everything and throwing it away.
If I did that I can do things that smoothly.
Even in a life philosophy way.
It's just one story anyway.
Usually people live hard for growth or success.
But I carry out my routine.
Just keep the fact that I'm here.
Also I think life is a way to kill time.
Cuz there's no high goal or truth.
I think it doesn't matter.
There are many cultural figures or great people inhistory who say this.
Not just philosophers are fine too.
This is a sense of purpose so I do it.
Without a single error.
You know I do the necessary action.
Like I talk about on the show.
If you listen you'll get it.
I do my routine without a single error to anobsessive point.
I hate the word working hard.
I'm existing accurately.
Of course I don't run away to stories.
While letting the empty space pass by in thebackground.
I don't get rolled into the empty space.
I don't know.
And I somehow live by the rules and order.
So I don't feel meaning in changing things.
That's why I can put all my power into keepingthis order and rules.
And keeping the current state is getting stuck orstopping with the way to push away the heavyweight of the empty space.
39:05
And also I hate the lie of stories.
But I think people are mostly acting lie.
I think that's a lie too.
Like stories is common.
But I hate it too.
Really in the backward way this might be taken asnothing but a pretty word.
It's common.
Also this is important too.
I'm not living either through the empty space.
Living wonderfully is a lie.
And I hate the lie of stories.
But I think people are mostly acting lie.
I think that's a lie too.
Like stories is common.
But I hate it too.
Really in the backward way this might be taken asnothing but a pretty word.
It's common.
Also this is important too.
I'm not living either through the empty space.
Living wonderfully is a lie.
And giving up is the same.
Without living either.
But regular people are supposed to be balanced anddo that.
But most people either go to empty thinking orbelieve in stories.
There's nobody who feels there are meaning inlife.
Most people end up looking at the stories and thenrun away.
Who I say no it's really too much.
But it's become a habit.
But some people live with animal feel.
But that's not something they're born with.
In my case it's not genetic.
It's that I quit religion and became a realist.
Of course I was a realist from the start.
But it's different from animal feel that's justfor the moment or animal instinct.
But as a living thing I was at a point where Ijust stay there accurately.
Around over 10 years ago from there I kept stripping away what's called meaning.
It's an overwhelming empty space, right?
But I hold this thing of two different things atonce with a physical touch of roots.
I had thanked two different things more thananyone.
But I guess I've been able to live because ofsaying two different things.
But if it were roots just from an obsession itwould feel like I'm forced to do it.
42:02
It comes with fear but it's not like that.
So I guess it's different from that sickness whereyou keep checking things.
I think I've been able to survive because of this.
It's amazing.
If you use an engine as an example there's nomeaning.
But there's no reason to stop either.
So I keep living with a pretty accurate rhythm.
You know keeping living with this accurate rhythmit's ok.
You think you don't need this, right?
You think it's not responsible.
But if I don't do that it'll stop.
It'll stop.
I'm stoic but I'm not stoic because I want to begreat.
To keep from getting pulled into the huge gravityof the empty space.
Or you could say to keep from getting crushed bythat heavy weight.
For that I'll take a really close look here.
I end up obsessed with small things in front ofme.
Like I said before I hope and meaning to realize.
But you don't make mistakes.
The physical result of moving accurately doesn'tterrorize and maybe it's good.
I know if I make even one mistake the breakdown I'm not caring but anything will start from there.
I know it without thinking there's thatpossibility too.
It's like I'm filling up the blank space in thebreakdown.
The physical result of the breakdown I know itwithout thinking there's that possibility too.
It's like I'm filling up the blank space in anobsessive way.
This is interesting.
If you say expectation for the future is hope andgiving up.
Regret for the past.
I lost all of it and don't need change either.
And I live quietly by the smallest drive.
It's completely different from regular emptythinking.
Now for the next thing.
I want to talk about more things about being arealist.
Realist is there are feet on the ground.
They look as really clear.
In that sense they don't see illusion.
45:03
That's a bit different from my style.
It's like looking at reality clearly instead ofideal talk.
Like having your feet on the ground but I have noother place to stand but here.
So it feels like I'm standing here by eliminationcause I have no choice.
It's not that there's meaning and I stand here.
I do this cause this is the only place to stand.
Also there must be an animal instinct too.
The reason I can live even if I doubt what's themeaning is.
The body has been trying to keep surviving.
That's part of it too.
Whether there's meaning or not.
It's not that drive.
But usually when people give up.
They draw a story like they're giving up now.
But they can change someday.
Or things work out someday.
I mean giving up equals hope.
So if you don't wanna have hope.
You shouldn't have giving up either.
Usually you get rid of saying two differentthings,right?
I don't know if there's anyone like this.
But gaining our meaning.
It's not letting go of the fear of survival.
This saying of two different things is hard totake,right?
You wanna lean toward one side.
It'd be nice if I could lean.
But I can't even run away to giving up.
Now for the next thing.
I think I shouldn't have confidence in the ideathat there's no meaning.
And I shouldn't have hope.
Or even pleasure.
Cause I'll give up later.
Then I won't carry on giving up.
Then of course I won't carry on,right?
Carry on sitting down.
You shouldn't become a person who wants everythingperfect.
Or that I shouldn't hold too much meaning.
This is a skill that kept me alive.
Having pleasure and hope created a reaction calledgiving up later.
Which means it created breaking things.
So I become a person who wants everything perfect.
That's why to keep from holding too much meaningto live.
48:02
To run from the heavy weight.
What I talked about up to this point.
I avoid that birth of a negative story calledgiving up.
Through that kind of skill.
To do that you need to avoid wanting everythingperfect.
It's a way to make meaning right for the two.
But living while having confidence in the ideathat there's no meaning is bad after all.
But it's a strange story.
Since I've been able to live using the lack ofmeaning as fuel.
But I feel strongly that I was protected by that.
Also this is another new trait of mine.
Science nerds get interested in physical thingsright.
But I get interested in people.
Many people with that special trait get interestedin objects.
I have that special trait but I have no interestin objects.
I don't care about them.
Cause I feel a real response in physical things.
About human creatures and saying two differentthings.
I kept watching that humans right.
They live in contradictory stories.
And their creators that run away to stories.
Usually are science interested and satisfied byknowing the rules right.
But the reason I don't have that is towardphysical things.
Objects don't terrorize but they are too obvious.
The rules are too obvious.
So I can't get interested.
It's a strange story.
There are necessary as to physical thingshappening are necessary.
But they aren't the object of my interest.
Toward objects where the rules are constant.
Even if I look with a sharp eye.
There is no twist.
You know it's a strange story.
But I get interested in the twist.
Surely music was like that too.
The reason I go out on my way to be interested inpeople while having that special trait.
I guess the lack of reason and all kind of socialgraces were good.
To kill time as something to look at.
I was the realist.
But instead of the realist.
I'm a person who breaks the illusion.
51:00
A person who finds the illusion.
I put my focus and think through human rights.
I don't just have steps for actions.
I have a routine.
Rules everywhere were my way of thinking.
But I think a rule does think this way.
I leave no room for extra illusion to get in.
You know it's for the obsession too.
And to keep from getting swallowed by the emptyspace.
Because I live inside strict rules.
Like I said before.
I shape my sense.
And the saying of two different things.
Living by the rules of the night.
And the story of the moment.
Standard like the glitch.
So I'm talking about that kind of things here.
I think regular people write.
Easily because of stories.
There are ring and stories.
There are bound in them.
Buried in them.
This rule instead of something I add later.
Feels like it was written right in the bones.
Otherwise I couldn't carry on.
Even if I start something new.
I can't carry on.
But this rule and routine have been carried out.
Regardless of my will.
I'm not being controlled by someone.
And it's something I decide myself.
Though the reason I'm completely getting rid of.
Think to rely on.
If you set up one pillar thinking.
Why just trust this.
I'll be fine.
The moment that pillar snaps.
Meaning the moment the mind snaps.
The whole system breaks.
The whole system breaks.
Relying on something makes you panic.
When there's change.
Because I don't rely on anything.
No matter how things change.
No matter how the outside states change.
I can carry out my survival routine.
Quietly and live.
So not running away.
To giving up.
Or hope might be that's true.
Also by not making a mountain colder expectation.
The very colder giving up is erased too.