第5631回 ＥＮInner Conflicts Honest Thoughts on Family

このエピソードは思考整理のための独り語りです。メンタルヘルスや発達特性を背景に、日常の悩 みや感情をそのまま話しています。聞き流しても問題ありません。

 This episode is a personal audio journal on daily struggles, mental health, andneurodiversity. It is meant to be listened to casually in the background.

このポッドキャストは、生きづらさ・メンタルヘルス・家庭問題を中心に、 日常で起きる出来事や思考を、感情を煽らず淡々と語る雑談ポッドキャストです。親子関係の衝突、家庭内トラブル、機能不全家族。 「普通」や「当たり前」とされる家族像や会話が成立しない現実を扱います。 発達障害（ASD / ADHD）、うつ病、双極性障害、不安障害、社会不安、幸福恐怖、強迫性障害（OCD）。 個人の特性と、家庭・社会環境が噛み合わないことで生じる問題を取り上げます。 宗教二世として育った経験から、 オカルトやスピリチュアルを信じて自分を誤魔化しながら生きることができない感覚についても語ります。 物事を都合よく解釈して安心することができず、 現実をそのまま見てしまうことによる生きづらさを扱います。 長期間の引きこもり、無職、就職活動の失敗、働けない現実。社会復帰の難しさや、将来への不安を、理想論ではなく事実として話します。 難病である潰瘍性大腸炎の可能性を抱えながら、 引きこもり状態のため十分な治療に繋がれない状況と、体調不安が日常生活に与える影響についても触れます。 人間関係のトラウマや、 新たなトラウマを作らないために距離を取るという選択。 人と関わる必要性を理解しつつも、発達障害が理解されにくい現実の中での葛藤を語ります。 哲学やニヒリズムを背景に、 存在の意味を求めるのではなく、 世の中を都合よく解釈する考え方そのものへの違和感や、人の思考の矛盾、浅はかさをスピリチュアルに逃げず考察します。 前向きさや希望を押し付ける番組ではありません。 答えを出すこともしません。 メンタルヘルス、発達障害、家庭問題、生きづらさを抱える人に向けた、静かで重めのトーク番組です。

This podcast focuses on mental health, neurodiversity, and family issues, discussed calmly and without emotional exaggeration. It covers parent-child conflict, dysfunctionalfamilies, and situations where so-called “normal” family dynamics do not work.Topics include ASD / ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders,social anxiety, fear of happiness, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),exploring how personal traits clash with family and social environments.Growing up in a religious household, I talk about the inability to rely on occult or spiritual beliefs to comfort or deceive myself, and the difficulty of facing reality without convenient explanations. The podcast addresses long-term social withdrawal, unemployment, failed job searches, and the realistic difficulty of returning to society. I also discuss the possibility of living with ulcerative colitis, a chronic illness, while being unable to access proper treatment due to isolation, and how physical uncertainty affects daily life.Human relationships and trauma, choosing distance to avoid creating new wounds, and the struggle of living in a society where neurodiversity is rarely understood are recurring themes. Rather than seeking meaning, this podcastexamines how people conveniently interpret reality, the contradictions in human thinking, and social absurdities — without spiritual escape or comforting narratives. No self-help. No optimism. No answers. A quiet, heavy podcast forthose dealing with mental health issues, neurodiversity, family conflict, and the difficulty of living in reality as it is.

サマリー

このエピソードでは、話し手が自身の内面的な葛藤や日常の疑問について語ります。特に、家族、特に母親との関係性における認識のずれや、自己防衛のための嘘について深く掘り下げています。また、発達特性やメンタルヘルスの課題を抱えながら、社会との関わり方や自己理解に悩む様子が描かれています。さらに、食の好みやアイドルの話題など、個人的な視点から物事を考察する様子も含まれています。

日常の疑問と価値観の相違

Yo, this podcast talks in a quiet tone aboutliving life, feeling out of zone, mental health,family, everyday stress, no hype, no hope, it's myfake self, parents.

This is a podcast where I talk calmly about lifestruggles and family issues.

Firstly, I don't understand people who spend hugeamount on trouble.

I don't get big spenders on trips, but I'm alsoextreme. Sometimes I value time a lot, andsometimes I don't care at all. I'm extreme tosometimes time matter, sometimes it doesn't.

A kid I know joined super popular idol group, butI've wondered for 10 years whether supporting themeven means anything.

Someone I know entered a top idol group, but I'vequestioned the meaning of supporting them foryears.

Japanese people often like singers for theirlooks, but strongly many very popular singers don't have great looks or voices.

Japan loves good looking singers, yet many popularones aren't good looking or good singers.

I researched pronunciation again, even though Ilooked it up so many times before.

I ended up researching pronunciation again, eventhough I've done it before.

I don't know why I felt the need to reach itagain.

I already forgot the reason.

I don't even know why I look it up again.

食の好みと情報収集の難しさ

I think chicken katsu and hire katsu tastesimilar, but I couldn't find any article sayingthat.

To me, chicken katsu and hire katsu feel similar,but no one seem to say so.

I don't know what kind of post I should make onInstagram or X to promote my podcast.

I'm not sure what to post on Instagram or X tospread my podcast.

I've thought many times about making videos, but Istill don't know how.

I keep thinking about making videos, but I don'tknow what to do.

Some people lie to protect themselves when theyare suddenly cornered.

母親の自己防衛と認識の歪み

And they don't even realize they are lying.

Some people lie for self-protection withoutnoticing it.

My mother is that type.

She changed her memory to make her claims feelright.

My mother is that type.

She changed her memory to make her claims feelright.

My mom does this.

She rewrites her memory to protect herself.

When she's cornered, she suddenly changes herthinking and drags people around with her.

When pressured, she flips her stance and confuseseveryone.

I heard a story about someone who caused a minoraccident and died.

She started lying.

When the police arrived, it was the same pattern.

Someone lied to the police after a small accident,and it reminded me of her.

My mother has done this over a hundred times,saying she'll be careful next time.

But when it happened again, it protected herselfand claimed this time is different.

She repeated this more than 100 times, alwayssaying she'll change but never does.

Next, I wondered why pork fillet, which has littlefat,

is expensive while chicken breast is cheap.

I questioned why lean pork fillet is pricey butchicken breast is cheap.

I also wondered why different generations of DonQuijote 46, a certain idol, look so different.

I was curious why the idol look changed bygeneration.

When I asked my mom why chicken breast is cheap,

she said chicken is cheap overall.

Chicken is cheap overall.

And only understood after I explained for a while.

I asked my mom, and after explaining for a bit,she finally got it.

個人的な考察と発達特性への言及

I heard someone intentionally made themselvesblind,

and strangely, I kinda understand the feeling.

Someone blinded themselves.

And I actually get the feeling behind it.

When I was in elementary school, I felt happy whenpeople worried about me.

As a kid, I liked when people showed concern forme.

But I don't think people will ever understanddevelopmental disorders.

Everyone is cold.

But people don't understand developmentaldisorders.

They're cold.

創作活動の悩みと過去のエピソード

This morning, I struggled with how to structure myshow and how to make videos for SNS.

This morning, I stressed about podcast structureand SNS videos.

I thought about making a show where I talk aboutphilosophy and analysis.

But no good ideas came.

I considered philosophy talk but nothing came tomind.

I tried several times to add philosophy andcritical talk about Japan to the show description.

But it didn't work and I got scared.

I tried adding that to the description but it didn't work and I got nervous.

I keep thinking about what to do with the oldepisode.

I always thinking about how to handle pastepisode.

完璧主義とアイドルのオーディション

When idol audition overlap with other groups,

my perfectionism makes me frustrated if good girlsend up in a different group.

If audition overlap and good girls join anothergroup,

it bothers my perfectionism.

食の記憶違いと夢の中での厳しさ

I forgot what I wanted to tell my mom and spent 15minutes thinking about talking.

I talked for 15 minutes while forgetting what Imeant to say.

Many times I thought I was eating chicken katsu.

But it turned out to be hire katsu and I regrettedwashing the expensive meat.

I often mistake hire katsu for chicken katsu andregret it.

Many times I thought I was eating chicken katsubut it turned out to be hire katsu and I regrettedwasting the expensive meat.

Yesterday I thought it was hire katsu but it wasjust my usual chicken katsu.

Chicken katsu cooked differently.

Yesterday I mistook chicken katsu for hire katsubecause the cooking style changed.

I had a strange dream.

I was too strict even in the dream.

Writing every character slowly and carefully.

I dreamed I was overly strict writing eachcharacter slowly.

I was also carrying something heavy and walkingstep by step.

I walked slowly in the dream carrying somethingheavy.

引きこもり、進路選択、宗教への不満

When I became a hikomori,

At first I couldn't decide which university to goto and eventually gave up.

When I became a shut-in, I couldn't choose auniversity and gave up.

The timing was bad and because of OCD I couldn'tuse the computer to research my options.

OCD made it impossible to research schools at thattime.

I had no choice but to wait for my parents to findsomething for me and it was frustrating.

I had to rely on my parents to look things upwhich was frustrating.

I wanted to handle it myself but couldn't.

I wanted to do it myself but couldn't.

At that time my anger toward the religion grew.

I thought this happened because they dragged usinto it.

So they should fix it.

I blamed the religion.

I blamed the religion and they should fix whatthey caused.

I still think that was the only way to think backthen.

I still believe that was the only mindset I couldhave.

There are no such thing as a perfect answeranyway.

And thinking the religion caused this isn'tunreasonable, it's natural.

There's no right answer and blaming the religionisn't strange.

リスナーへの感謝

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