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This isn't an explanation.
Quite heavy, feel the temperature of the world.
くらきなぎ スポールカップ
This is a podcast with Kamui about life troublesand family issues.
I was researching Tourette Syndrome, and I stillcouldn't really understand it.
But maybe hiccups are similar to a kind of vocal tic that comes from the throat or nose.
I looked at Tourette and maybe hiccups are like avocal tic.
Every time I research things like that, like this,
I start thinking that if I'm gonna end uphospitalized with a serious illness anyway,
maybe it would be better if my condition had beensevere
enough to keep me from going to school.
When I look this stuff up, I feel like maybe itwould be easier if my illness had been severe fromthe start.
Having both a rare disease and developmentaldisorder just make everything more complicated.
Having both chronic illness and developmentalissues makes things messy.
Next, recently I haven't had much stomach pain,
but sometimes I'm tormented by the thought that myillness might suddenly get worse again.
My stomach pain is less now, but I still fear itmight clear up.
Something miraculous happened I realized from arandom video that the weird sensations I getduring meals,
like feeling my legs, throat, or needing to changeposture,
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might actually be a kind of tic.
I learned from a video that my strange bodysensations while eating might be tic.
Something miraculous happened I realized from arandom video that the weird sensations I getduring meals,
like feeling my legs, throat, or needing to changeposture,
might actually be a kind of tic.
Next, people say kids with developmental disorderslike trains because they like patterns,
but there are plenty of other patterns around.
They say autistic kids like trains for theirpatterns, but patterns are everywhere.
And being on time isn't really a benefit becausekids don't use trains for commuting anyway.
Being punctual doesn't matter for kids.
They don't commute.
Buses also have routes,
but delays happen because of traffic.
Still, I don't think train-loving kids care if thetime shifts.
Buses run route too, but delays happen.
Kids wouldn't care.
I don't understand why they like trains.
Cars also have similar shapes and buses run almostthe same paths every day.
I don't get why trains are special.
Cars and buses are similar.
Trains run on fixed rails, but buses also runroughly the same route.
Stations are predictable, but if you want predictability, you could just stay home.
Trains are fixed, but buses are mostly fixed too.
If you want stability, stay home.
And there are many train fans who don't even ridetrains, which I'll explain later.
Many train fans don't ride trains, and I'llexplain that later.
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There are many train fans who don't even ridetrains.
Many train fans don't ride trains.
Cars should be enough too, but maybe train cultureis strong only in big cities.
Other regions have more people anyway.
Cars could work too, but trains are big only incities.
Other areas have more people.
I think having interest in food requires mentalspace, but many top performers are rarely intofood.
I think having interest in food requires mentalspace, but many top performers are rarely intofood, which surprised me.
I think having interest in food requires mentalspace, but many successful people love food.
Countries that don't focus much on gourmetculture, like the US or UK, tend to be stronger inacademics or sports.
Countries that don't focus much on gourmetculture, tend to be stronger in academics orsports.
Maybe when people put too much energy into food,they don't direct their awareness to other things.
Focusing on food might reduce focus on otherareas.
I wonder if anyone else has even thought aboutthis.
I wonder if others think this way too.
Humans hold multiple values at once, but very fewpeople are aware that they are inherentlycontradictory beings.
Humans hold multiple values at once, but very fewpeople are aware that they are inherentlycontradictory beings.
Being a hikikomori was hell, but since my parentswere there, I sometimes feel like maybe I took theeasy way out.
Being to shut in was hell, but I sometimes feel Irelied too much on my parents.
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But not being able to step outside at all issometimes most people simply can't do.
But being unable to leave the house isn'tsomething normal people can do.
I have very strong legs and dis-legs. I'mextremely picky.
When it comes to tick, I feel like my traits aredifferent from other people with developmentaldisorders.
Not more severe or milder, just different.
My cheeks feel different from other autistictraits, not stronger or weaker, just different.
I watched an audition show for an idol group, andthere were so many cute girls that I feltfrustrated.
I guess I wanted reassurance.
I guess I wanted reassurance.
I watched an idol audition and felt frustratedbecause many girls were cute.
I imagined what I would say if my best friendsuddenly became really overweight.
Such a strange fantasy. I had weird thoughts aboutwhat I'd say if my friend got very fat.
I became a model for an idol group, and I foundmyself worrying pointlessly about whether to getalong with other models.
I became a model for an idol group, and I worriedfor no reason about fitting on.
I've had many periods where killing time was hard,but recently I watch English videos only when I'mmentally stable.
I used to struggle to kill time, but now I watchEnglish videos when I feel okay.
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There were many times when I struggled to killtime, but recently I can watch English videos whenI feel like it.
So I only watch them when I'm in the mood.
There were many times when I had trouble killingtime, but recently I mostly watch other videos.
I mostly watch other videos only when I have themood and time.
There's no real reason humans must live. That'swhy I can only survive if I cling to the idea ofliving.
There's no reason to live.
So I can only live by insisting on it.
I don't wanna live. I have no reason to live.
Listening to podcasts made me realize again thatyou must live is just a pretty phrase.
I don't wanna live and podcasts remind me that youmust live.
It's just idealism.
Because clinging to live, life feels ridiculoussometimes.
Because clinging to life feels ridiculoussometimes.
Trying too hard to live feels silly.
My parents keep the heater on for too long, and Iwondered if I should tell her to stop.
My parents keep the heater on for too long, and Iwondered if I should tell her to stop.
If I don't get used to the cold, I get stomachacheon cold days.
But I also wanna follow my rule of not talkingabout the heater.
I get stomachache in the cold, but I wanna keep myrule of not mentioning the heater.
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I realized I've changed Japanese grammar into myown style.
Normally people imitate language unconsciously, sothis shouldn't happen.
I noticed I speak Japanese in my own grammarstyle.
Even though I'm not consciously doing it, Isomehow develop my own pattern of speakingJapanese.
I have my own Japanese speaking pattern withoutmeaning to.
When I watch podcasts on YouTube, I often think,why doesn't anyone make a show like this?
I watch shows and think, why doesn't someone makethis kind of show?
I wish I could make it myself, but I can't, andthat frustrates me.
I wanna make it myself, but can't, and it'sfrustrating.
There's no end to ideas, so I can't bring myselfto start.
I have endless ideas, so I can't begin, eventhough it's a winner.
It's a winner.
My parents opened the window, and it made meanxious.
I didn't know if they closed it properly or whythey opened it.
My parents opened the window, and it worried me.
Listening to podcasts made me realize that humanshave an instinct to leave a record of theirexistence.
Podcasts made me realize people wanna leave arecord of living.
Maybe that's why I record my podcast too.
Maybe that's why I make my podcast.
Even though I logically think there's no point inleaving a record, even though I think records aremeaningless.
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A comedian YouTuber said Nietzsche's Übermenschmeans someone who stays confident even whencriticized, but that interpretation is way tooshallow.
A YouTuber said Nietzsche's Superman means self-confidence, but that's shallow.
Explanations like that are shallow, contradictory,and fall apart the moment you look for acceptance.
They don't realize how non-universal theirinterpretation is.
That explanation is shallow and full of contradictions.
Nietzsche's Übermensch means having a strength toaccept a meaningless life, not be confident or bestrong.
He wasn't a motivational speaker.
Nietzsche meant accepting life's meaninglessness,not self-confidence.
I can't believe that a comedian thought that wasall Nietzsche meant, even though he's highlyeducated.
It surprised me that an educated comedianmisunderstood Nietzsche like that.
I hate people who have no real education but readdifficult novels or brag about random knowledgeand think they are intellectual.
I dislike people who pretend to be intellectualwith random knowledge.
That's why I actually didn't want to study Englishat first.
I planned to leave this house someday and behospitalized long term.
For my chronic illness.
But I learned long term stay only for bedriddenpeople and I felt hopeless.
I wanted long term hospitalization but it's onlyfor bedridden patients which crushed me.
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I found a place that accepts chronic patients butI forgot what it was and panicked.
So I asked my parents first thing in the morning.
I found the place but I forgot the name and panicked so I asked my parents.
I felt relieved for a moment but then I realized Ididn't understand how it was different from theplace.
The place we talked about earlier.
I was relieved and then confused again about thedifference.
I started worrying that maybe I couldn't enterthat place easily.
And when I asked my mom she didn't reallyunderstand and just said it's fine to easily.
I worried I couldn't enter and my mom just said it's fine without knowing.
We decided she would call them and I resorted to.
I probably have lucerative colitis and I don'twant treatment.
But the pain gets so bad I want hospitalization.
She called and I checked too.
I checked too. I think it's lucerative colitis.
I don't want treatment but need hospitalizationplan.
But it's not something that gets cured.
So I don't know what to do.
If won't heal I don't know what to do.
I know I can never live alone but when people askme why I can't answer and that's hurt.
I can't live alone but I can't explain why. It'spainful.
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Money management clinic I couldn't do any of itwhen I lived alone before.
I couldn't manage money or clinic when I livedalone.
When I researched again I realized the place wetalked about earlier was basically the same as theword of
Bedridden patient.
I checked and I found it's basically a bedriddenword.
My mom didn't keep her promise about helping me tothe path.
Yet she confidently said you can enter herewithout researching properly.
My mom didn't research but still said I couldenter.
I've been managing my diet carefully to keep theillness mild.
But if I can't enter that place I don't know whatI do.
What I would do about food.
I control my diet but if I can't enter I don'tknow what to eat.
Maybe instant food would be ok.
But ever since the illness started I've hadconstant fatigue so it feels impossible.
Instant food might work but fatigue makeseverything hard.
And with depression on top of that everythingbecomes even more difficult.
Complicated.
Depression makes it even harder.
I'm starting to worry whether I'll even be able torecord my podcast in the future.
I worry I won't be able to keep making my podcast.
When I get like this I completely lose allemotional capacity.
When this happen I lose my all mental space.
Next curry is basically like a Japanese nationaldish.
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Yet Ruth style curry isn't cheap.
Which I find strange.
Curry is popular in Japan but Ruth curry isn'tcheap which is odd.
Chain stores are dominated by Coco Ichibanya sothat can't be helped.
But I heard small independent curry shops havebeen increasing recently.
Coco Ichi dominates chains but small curry shopsare increasing.
But why was there so few before?
If the reason is you can make curry at home thenHamburg steak should be the same.
Yet family restaurant are full of it.
If curry is rare because you can cook it at homethen why is Hamburg over where?
Unlike tempura curry don't require much capital toopen at shop.
Curry shop don't need much money to start.
While thinking of podcast title I wanted toexpress that I talk about philosophy and alsoabout strange aspect of Japanese people.
And I wanted to include good SEO word.
I wanted a letter that shows I talk aboutphilosophy and Japanese issues with good SEO.
But I ended up thinking in the same way as lasttime.
But I repeat the same thing thinking as before.
Apparently Ruth style curry is trending now.
So I asked whether it's different from Europeancurry or spicy curry.
I asked if Ruth curry is different from Europeanor spicy curry.
My mom said.
My mom said.
They are all include.
And I accepted.
It's honestly.
My mom said.
They are all the same.
And I accepted.
Even when I said.
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Maybe it's old fashion sweet curry.
She didn't agree at all.
Even though nobody knows the real answer.
I said it might be sweet curry.
But she didn't agree.
Even though no one knows.
In Sapporo ramen shops are still increasing.
And now they are both soup curry and root curryshops.
Sapporo keeps getting more ramen and curry shops.
I thought it keeps going every month.
But health will get worse and doctor will behappy.
I thought more curry shops mean worse health andhappy doctor.
While watching TV I asked my mom.
Besides being cheap what's better about donutchains compared to small donut shops.
I asked what's good about donut chains besidesprice.
I asked what's good about donut chains besidesprice.
She said the shop is cheaper.
Even though I was talking about small shop ingeneral.
She said this shop is cheaper missing my point.
Even when I asked again.
She still said this place is cheaper.
I asked again.
And she repeated the same thing.
I desperately wanted to think that the cute girlin the idol group idol support wasn't big deal.
I tried hard to think the cute idol wasn'tspecial.
It's not enough to just put cute girls in a group.
But putting girls and girls cute is out of thequestion.
They have no sense.
It's not just about cuteness.
But adding no cute girls make no sense.
I looked up some curry shops that open in Sapporo.
And then suddenly wondered if there were funnywedding speech videos.
I checked new curry shop and then I looked upfunny wedding speeches.
I hate people who try too hard to be funny.
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It makes me embarrassed just watching.
I dislike flashy jokes.
They make me cringe.
During the mayoral election.
The candidate put cool photos from the youth andbragged about his hobbies and university on theflyer.
And I thought this person should never be mayor.
A mayor candidate bragged on his flyer and Ithought he shouldn't be mayor.
I really hate people who try to stand out in thatway.
I hate people who show off like that.
My parent works in a job where they helped sendoff before who died in religion.
Context.
And three raiders had already arrived.
When I said, how many people are you gonna sendoff?
He laughed. She laughed.
My parent helped with religion memorial work.
And when I asked how many he will do?
He laughed.
I watched idol show for the first time and when Isaid the host was kind cute.
My mom said she is not a member.
I said the host was cute.
And my mom said she is not a member.
Then when I said I didn't like one of the actualmembers.
My mom said I think the host you mentioned earlieris better.
So I said she is not even my raider.
My mom compared them and I compared them and Isaid the host wasn't even my consideration.
I've been struggling with how to make overseaslisteners interested in my podcast.
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People who like in Japan and might care about mypersonal stories about family issues ordepression.
I don't know how to attract foreign listeners wholike Japan and my personal stories.
Since I'm not a specialist, I wanna express thatthis is a real experience.
Family problem, depression, developmental trait.
But if I put developmental disorder in the title,it sounds like a professional show.
If I include developmental disorder, it soundslike a specialist show which I'm not.
My parents fought during meals.
But I'm sure they don't do.
He don't do that outside.
At home, it's normal.
But during meals, it feels different.
My parents fought at the table.
But probably not outside.
I always thought it was common sense not to dothat.
But apparently not.
Especially since we barely interact as a family.
I thought it was common sense not to do that.
But maybe not in my house.
My parents sometimes fought while eating at home.
But I guess he don't do it when eating outside.
It's normal to fight at home.
But during meals, it feels different.
Until now, I thought it was common for parents tofight.
But that doesn't seem to be.
He have no common sense.
But especially in our family, since we don't spendmuch time together, it feels inconsiderate.
As I said before, I tried adding crushed soybeansto tofu and it was a complete failure.
I crushed the soybeans into tofu and it failedbadly.
I watched a YouTube video by someone who opened asushi restaurant with zero training.
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And I realized I was tricked by the title, YouTubecan be terrible.
A sushi shop YouTuber tricked me with the title.
Even as a kid, I couldn't understand people whoseriously said, if we do this, the world willbecome better.
As a child, I didn't understand people whobelieved the world could be fixed easily.
Even as a kid, I couldn't understand people whoseriously said, if we do this, the world willbecome better.
I realized even back then that sushi things don'texist.
I knew as a kid that sushi solutions don't exist.
My mom didn't keep her promise about helping tochoose a path.
Yet she got angry recently about the heater beingon.
I got angry recently about the heater being on.
My mom broke her promise about my future but gotmad about the heater.
I hesitated about telling her, you are using theheater too much.
I wasn't sure whether to tell her she overused theheater.
I tried listening to a philosophy podcast but Istill couldn't understand much.
I tried a philosophy podcast but didn't understandit well.
Everyone knows that value exists only in people'smind.
But when people force value onto things, it givestemporary relief and later cause trouble.
Value exists only in our mind and forcing valuecause problems.
People don't realize they have two choices.
Accept something as having no value or refuse toaccept that.
People don't see they can accept or reject value.
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And when they say something is good, somethingelse becomes bad.
At the same time, people don't notice that callingsomething good makes something else bad.
People don't notice.
Without ideals, you become nihilistic.
Without ideals, you become nihilistic.
But if you chase ideals, you eventually realizethey don't exist.
It's capism.
Ideals prevent nihilism but chasing them is escapism.
Without ideals, you become nihilistic.
But if you chase ideals, you eventually realizethey don't exist.
It's just escapism.
I realized people can become weak.
Not mentally or physically but in some other way.
When they try to hold onto hope or ideal orreligion, people become weak when they cling tohope or religion.
When I think if I just had one thing, everythingwould work out.
That way I know I'm becoming weak.
Thinking this will fix everything makes I'mgetting weak.
All kinds of philosophies are created anddestroyed over time and I think human thoughts andfeelings work the same way.
Philosophies come and go and human thinkingchanges the same way.
Even if I think this is the right answer, itchanges in an instant.
Even when I think something is right, it changesquickly.
I think both absolution and relativism are wrong.
I think absolutism and relativism are bothincorrect.
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There is no absolute truth.
But saying everyone has their own correctness isalso wrong.
It becomes a bad kind of nihilism, nihilism.
There is no absolute truth.
But saying everyone is right is also wrong.
In my hometown, snow plows come all the time and Ithought they should advertise that it's perfectfor people who like noisy night.
Snow plows come often here.
It could be a selling point of all people who likenoise.
I've never had hallucination but sometimes I getso sensitive to the sound of neighbors shovelingsnow that it feels like hallucination.
I don't hear hallucination but snow shovelingsounds feel like it sometimes.
I thought maybe it was just my head but then Irealized it really was the sound and it made meangry and shouldn't shovel at night.
I thought it was in my head but it was real and itannoyed me.
I've never succeeded with the recipe from thecooking researcher Ryuji and when that happened,
I started relying on superstition.
Shuji's recipe never worked for me and I gotsuperstitious.
Yesterday, I thought I just watching the videos soit'd be fine.
It still didn't work.
I watched the videos and still failed.
I spent 8 hours thinking about the podcast titleand only afterwards I realized I wasted time ontiny details.
I spent 8 hours on the title and realized it wastoo much.
When that happened, I wanna make a huge comebacklike changing my English.
Pronunciation practice all at once like a gamble.
When I feel stuck, I wanna make a big change likea gamble.
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Translating one Japanese sentence into two casualEnglish versions then back into Japanese andwriting two versions again is endless.
Making two English versions and two Japaneseversions for each sentence is endless.
Next corner is Shikimeshi.
Yesterday, I had fried eggplant and salted pork.
Both is good taste.
Thank you for listening. Please follow thisprogram. See you again.
