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Talk about your feelings.
Welcome to Your English Toolbox, your Slow EnglishPodcast where we train your ears step-by-step.
I am Martin.
And I am Julia.
How are you today? Are you really fine?
Well, actually, I am a little bit tired andstressed about a project.
See?
That is the problem with English learners and evennative speakers.
We always say, I am fine, because we are afraid toshow our real emotions.
But language is a tool for connection.
If you cannot express sadness, frustration, orjoy, you are only using half of your toolbox.
Today, we are going to go deep.
We will learn how to talk about difficultfeelings.
We will learn how to confront people politely.
And we have a very special guest to help usunderstand why this is so important.
Please welcome Rose, a psychologist who joins ustoday.
Hello, Martin. Hello, Julia. It is wonderful to behere.
We are so happy to have you, Rose.
Rose, why is it so hard for people to say, I amsad or I am angry?
It is often because we think negative feelings arebad.
We think we must be happy all the time to beaccepted.
But from a psychological perspective, ignoringfeelings is dangerous.
That is a great hook for our listeners.
So, are you ready to stop saying, I am fine, andstart speaking the truth?
Let's open your English toolbox.
Part 1. Identifying the Feeling
Before we can talk, we must identify the word.
Many students only use happy, sad, or angry.
But English has thousands of nuances.
Rose, in your therapy sessions, what is the firststep?
The first step is to name the emotion accurately.
There is a big difference between being angry andbeing frustrated.
Let's look at that difference.
Angry is a strong, hot feeling of displeasure.
For example, if I cannot find my keys, I amfrustrated.
If someone steals my keys, I am angry.
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That is a very clear distinction.
Rose, why does accuracy matter here?
We call this name it to tame it.
If you say, I am overwhelmed, you admit you havetoo much pressure.
Overwhelmed.
That is a fantastic B2 level word.
It means you have too much work or too muchemotion to handle.
Listeners, are you feeling overwhelmed with yourEnglish studies sometimes?
Encouraging, speaking very slowly.
It is okay to admit it.
Another great word is anxious.
How is that different from afraid, Julia?
Afraid is usually about a real danger right now,
like a lion.
Anxious is about something in the future, like ajob interview.
Exactly.
Anxiety lives in the future.
When you tell a friend, I am feeling anxious abouttomorrow,
you invite them to help you.
So, rule number one is precision.
Stop using bad and start using frustrated,overwhelmed, or anxious.
Part two, the danger of bottling up.
Now we need some phrasal verbs.
Rose, what happens if we do not speak about ouremotions?
Well, if you do not speak, you tend to bottle upyour feelings.
To bottle up.
Imagine a bottle of soda.
You shake it and shake it, but you keep the cap ontight.
You are putting the feelings inside a bottle andclosing it.
That is bottling up.
And when you bottle up your emotions, eventuallythe bottle explodes.
We have a phrasal verb for that explosion, too.
It is to lash out.
To lash out.
This means to suddenly attack someone verballybecause you are angry.
Imagine you bottled up your stress from work allday.
Then you come home and your husband asks, what isfor dinner?
And you scream, why do you always ask me that?
You lashed out at him.
And usually you lash out at the people you lovethe most.
This damages relationships.
So the opposite of bottling up is to open up.
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To open up.
This means to start talking about your innerworld.
Opening up requires vulnerability, but it buildstrust.
I have a question for you, Rose.
Is there a physical benefit to opening up?
Absolutely.
When you bottle up, your cortisol levels, thestress hormone, go up.
When you open up, your brain releases oxytocin.
That is the bonding chemical.
So speaking English is actually good for yourhealth?
Only if you tell the truth.
Listeners, I want you to shadow this sentence withme to practice the phrasal verb.
Repeat after me.
I need to open up because I cannot bottle this upanymore.
Let's try one more time.
Don't lash out.
Just try to open up.
Part three, how to confront someone.
Okay, we know we should open up.
But what if the feeling is caused by anotherperson?
This is the hard part.
Many learners stay silent because they are afraidto be rude.
Rose, is there a psychological trick to confrontsomeone without fighting?
Yes, there is a classic tool we use.
It is called the I statement.
The I statement.
Can you explain how that works?
Usually, when we confront someone, we use youstatements.
We say you are rude or you never listen to me.
That sounds like an attack.
And when I hear you never listen, I want to defendmyself.
Exactly.
Instead, you should focus on your own feeling.
The formula is, I feel when you...
Let's look at the grammar of that.
White, I feel, followed by an adjective.
Speaking very slowly, when you, followed by averb.
So instead of saying, you are annoying, whatshould I say, Rose?
You could say, I feel frustrated when youinterrupt me.
Notice the difference.
You are not saying the person is bad.
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You are saying the action produces a feeling inyou.
Let's practice some other examples.
Imagine your friend is always late.
Do not say, you are so disrespectful.
That will start a fight.
Instead say, I feel hurt when you arrive latebecause it feels like my time is not important.
You added the because, which explains the impact.
This invites the other person to understand you.
Not fight you.
Is it really that simple?
Simple to say, but hard to do.
It requires you to know your feeling first.
We also have a great expression for this moment ofhonesty.
It is to get something off your chest.
Imagine a heavy weight sitting on your chest.
You cannot breathe well.
When you finally say the truth, the weight isgone.
You got it off your chest.
Rose, how do patients feel after they get it offtheir chest?
They often sigh with relief.
They feel lighter.
They realize the fear was in their head.
So listeners, if you are holding a heavy secret ora frustration,
use the structure, I feel X when you do Y.
We have talked about expressing ourselves.
We need to ask other people how they feel.
How are you is automatic.
It is a reflex, not a question.
Rose, how can we ask a question that invites areal answer?
You need to ask specific open-ended questions.
Instead of are you okay, which is a yes-noquestion,
try asking what is on your mind.
What is on your mind?
That is a beautiful phrase.
It implies that you know the person is thinkingabout something.
Another great one is you seem a bit quiet today.
That is an observation, not a question, but itinvites an answer.
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You seem quiet.
Is everything okay?
Yes, observing body language is key.
If you see someone looking down or sighing, youcan say,
I notice you are sighing a lot.
Do you want to talk about it?
This gives the other person permission to open up.
Or permission to stay silent.
It is very respectful.
Rose, what if the person starts crying?
Many English learners panic if someone cries.
The best thing to say is often very simple.
You can say, it is okay to cry.
Or, I am here with you.
You do not need to fix the problem.
You just need to be present.
We also use the verb to empathize.
To empathize means to feel what the other personis feeling.
It is different from sympathize.
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone.
Empathy is feeling with someone.
That is a crucial distinction.
Connection comes from empathy.
When you say, I can imagine how hard that is, youare empathizing.
Listeners, these phrases are your lifeline in deepconversations.
I can imagine how hard that is.
Thank you for trusting me with this.
I appreciate you telling me.
These are much better than just saying, don'tworry.
Please never say don't worry to someone in pain.
It invalidates their feelings.
It tells them their feeling is wrong.
Say, it makes sense that you are sad.
The emotional toolbox.
We have covered a lot of ground today.
We moved from I am fine to I am overwhelmed.
We learned to stop bottling up and start openingup.
We learned to get things off our chest using Istatements.
And we learned how to offer empathy.
Rose, as we finish, what is your final advice forour listeners?
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My advice is to practice with small feelingsfirst.
Do not wait for a big tragedy.
Practice telling a friend, I felt a bitdisappointed when the restaurant was closed.
Practice the small muscles of vulnerability.
Then when the big feelings come, you will beready.
That is excellent advice.
Start small to build strength.
Language learning is exactly the same.
You practice small sentences so you can have bigconversations.
Rose, thank you so much for joining us and sharingyour wisdom.
Thank you for having me.
It was a pleasure.
It is amazing how psychology and language go handin hand.
They are both about understanding the humanexperience.
Remember, your English does not have to be perfectto be emotional.
People connect with your heart, not your grammar.
But correct grammar helps.
Yes, it certainly helps.
Conclusion
Before we go, I want to ask you one quick favor.
If you enjoyed this episode, please write a smallcomment before you go.
This support is crucial for us to continuecreating new episodes every week.
Are you feeling motivated?
Overwhelmed?
Or perhaps relieved?
We need your comments because your voice is moreimportant than ours.
Your voice and comments will show us the rightpath.
Thank you for listening.
See you in the next episode.
