00:00
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.
Fighting alone, every single day.
No one sees it, but I keep going.
Slow is fine, stopping is fine.
Just move forward, hikikomori hero, stillstanding!
This is just a podcast.
There are things called Mitarashi dango.
But they are mostly the same, but there is noMitarashi mochi.
I was curious about that.
So I asked my mother why they don't have it.
She looked at me like she didn't know what I wastalking about.
Actually, before that, I couldn't remember theword Mitarashi.
Even now, I forget it again.
And I probably forget it about 5 times today.
The word Mitarashi just won't come out.
Since it wouldn't come out.
I asked her, what kind of dango?
She looked at me like, what are you talking about?
I asked her, if she heard me say dango.
And she said she heard me.
Then I asked what the other one was besides thesweet bean one.
My mother said, what are you talking about?
I said, it's the one with sugar and soy sauce.
Then for the first time, she said,
Oh, Mitarashi, I really don't understand it.
After that, I asked why there's no Mitarashi mochi.
I asked why they have Mitarashi dango, but notMitarashi mochi.
She looked like she didn't understand at all.
So I explained it simply.
I said, dango and mochi are almost the same.
I explained that for the mochi, people usually usesoybean powder, sweet beans, natto or soy sauceand sweet.
She waited.
I said there's no Mitarashi.
And I explained that to her.
Finally, she understood.
Since the word Mitarashi still wouldn't come out.
I asked her again, what's the other one besidesthe sweet?
Bean dango was.
She didn't say anything again.
03:00
She looked like she didn't know what I meant.
She said she could only think of sweet beans andMitarashi.
I said, I just asked you, what's the other onebesides sweet beans was?
And then she said, it's sweet beans and Mitarashi.
Still she don't get it.
She told me that since I said sweet beans, shesaid sweet beans are Mitarashi and what else.
So I told her that if I asked what's with sweetbeans, there's nothing else.
But Mitarashi is really strange.
Why it's become like this?
I don't know what she's thinking or why she doesn't understand.
I can't understand it at all.
That's how it is.
I can't even talk well with my mother.
But sometimes it feels like we had telepathy.
Also, since morning, right?
When I thought that I hadn't talked about likeyet.
My mother was thinking the same thing.
But when people see a ghost in the same place, it's not a special power.
It's just a human ability to feel what othersfeel.
Like other animals, I was looking at my notestoday.
But it was so strange that I thought it was realtelepathy.
Usually it's just a coincidence.
But sometimes we think the same things at theexact same time.
But if you look at the math, it's a bit difficult.
Maybe there's something there.
A brain scientist said telepathy is possible.
She said it's like it's normal.
After I heard him, I thought maybe it's possiblebetween families.
But I don't believe in special power because there's no proof.
Believing in something with no proof is likesaying Doraemon is real.
So it's a bit crazy.
Believing in things with no proof is a sign ofbeing crazy.
So I don't believe it.
You are either crazy or in a bad mental state.
So saying something is a sign from God is adangerous state.
Next, about a year ago, I worried a lot about themicrophone for my podcast.
I failed many times.
Then I found a good app when I'm writing English.
It's hard to record.
06:04
So I started speaking and recording because it'seasier to say the sound.
I thought it would be good to turn the phone andmove the mic close to my mouth.
And I can do that now.
At this timing, I realized I can just putsomething on it to stop the wind noise from mybreath.
I knew about that.
I realized it's fine.
But I don't understand myself.
Is that okay?
I should have done it before.
Maybe there was a problem.
So I didn't do it.
But at this timing, I realized it's fine.
This time, I don't know what's what.
I don't know why I thought that at this timing.
Or if it's the right answer.
Or if my luck is just bad.
Anyway, I thought I'd use the mic.
But the way I feel about big and small things haschanged a lot.
The timing is just bad.
I thought it was good to give up.
Because this app has a bad connection.
But when I tried again, it worked fine.
When I tried again in the afternoon, it worked.
Maybe I did something wrong when I first tried it.
I don't know now.
But the timing is really bad.
Lately, I thought it was hard to put the mic onand off when I record in Japanese.
And then this happened at this timing.
I worried about...
For about 20 minutes, I thought about other thingstoo.
But I was worried.
Then other things happened.
About recording in English.
I thought I had to use the mic.
But today, I thought that since I can talk from adistance now.
It's the same even if I use the mic.
Before, it was a problem.
Because I was talking from a distance.
There was a change in how I talk from a distance.
In life, things change.
And you try to make them better.
But things change in the place you don't notice.
I'm sensitive to change.
But I don't think about everything with onechange.
So because of the change before.
If I make this change now.
It's like a puzzle.
But there's a limit.
I'm not a professional game player.
So I make mistakes like this.
I don't know what to do.
09:00
I should try not to make change.
And live without them.
But for the podcast, this problem happened.
But before I move to the next topic.
I looked it up and found a reason.
Why Mitarashi mochi isn't popular.
It's sticky.
So it's hard to eat.
So it's hard to eat.
On TV, someone said people put Mitarashi on dango.
But not on mochi.
Then someone else brought up a small exception.
And that kind of talk happened with my mother too.
It happens in the world normally.
One person is asking why it's not the majority.
But the other person said there are someexceptions.
Which doesn't matter.
And when I hear that kind of talk.
I feel down.
If it were my child.
I'd be worried.
But it's strange to feel worried.
Looking at my own mother.
My mother seemed normal.
But my father is a stranger.
You wanna see their parent's face.
But if you raise them.
It's irresponsible to wonder why they become likethis.
Recently, a YouTuber made a video that's probablyfake.
She said he wanted to see his manager's parent'sface.
Because the manager is not good.
I've watched that video about 6 times.
Because I like it.
But I've watched it too much.
And it's not so funny now.
I should have told my mother.
That I wanna see her parent's face.
Even though she's right in front of me.
Back to the talk.
I have two more things.
First about the podcast name.
I think that it's I decided thinking about it.
I realized I care about the small details a lot.
I thought I wasn't like that.
Compared to others with brain to it.
But I do care about small details.
Some people with brain to it.
Care about small details like to it.
For me it's about the difficulty of life.
Words are hard.
Even if I say small.
It's hard to say what's smaller.
I didn't understand it before.
But it's not just about details of being sensitiveto change.
I don't wanna think about it too much.
Anyway I thought I didn't care about small things.
12:00
But that's the main point of podcast.
Also small details and of things.
That means things don't match.
Things don't match with people or event.
Also thinking about one thing for a long time.
Overthinking and thinking again and again.
I learned that by thinking about the podcast name.
So that was good.
But the scary thing is that all this thinkingabout might not have meant much.
I made many plans.
But they're all gone.
I'm frustrated because I could have.
I could have used them for titles or in the info.
But I shouldn't force it.
And I've already forgotten those plans thismorning.
Something with Atul didn't go well.
I wanted to record an English talk.
But couldn't.
But I kept thinking about it.
I also thought about the show name and wanted torecord soon.
I wanna finish things quickly or I can relax.
I recorded it in the afternoon.
I almost never put off homework like summerhomework.
I did things too early.
I probably did summer homework.
While I was still at school.
I finished it before the holiday started.
I used to do my school's homework.
And still before I went home.
I might have been doing it while getting wet.
But even while talking, I'm thinking about themic.
I'm lost about the mic.
I've been thinking about the show name almost allday.
In a way, I'm happy once I finish thinking aboutthe name.
I feel like I'm done.
Like an athlete who retired.
I won't have anything to do from that day.
I'll have free time because I won't be thinkinganymore.
I was looking it up before.
Some people have animals come to them.
Animals are amazing.
They call, smell, think.
Dogs can look at the person's cursor and lookworried.
There are many reports of this.
15:02
They know by the smell.
They can smell if a car is safe.
Although they don't look at eyes.
Only humans look at eyes.
Other animals look at eyes to scare others.
Since people with brain traits don't look at eyes.
Maybe animals like them.
It might be about the shape or smell or movement.
Animals look, no.
Thinks humans don't.
In the religion I was in.
Birds flew around the leader.
And fish came to where he pointed.
There's a reason for that.
I thought the fish thing was strange.
But some people carry static electricity easily.
I talked before about someone who made the lightgo out when they entered a store.
Some people just have that kind of electricity.
It's not a special power.
But some members of my religion probably thoughtit was a special power.
It's sad.
The ability to believe blindly like that is scary.
I was recording in the afternoon.
When I checked my English sounds.
I found one mistake.
It's word I use often.
Sometimes things get hidden.
I didn't remember the word people use.
I said before that to go international you need totalk in English.
But I couldn't find that article a few yearslater.
This time it was about that word.
I wonder why.
Maybe I don't work well with the internet.
Maybe it's because I'm different from others.
When this happened.
I checked everything.
I was wrong.
But it's not clear.
So it ended without a right answer.
Also sometimes there's white hair on my clothes.
I couldn't find the reason and was scared.
Today there was made more white hair.
And it feels gross.
I can tell by the length of the hair.
If it's my mother hair from my secret it's ok.
But since it's white hair.
I feel scared.
18:00
I don't know if it happened before.
Like I said.
I used to listen to podcast at night.
But now I watch video of street music.
I can watch the one by Mr. Matsuno.
But if I watched more.
I'll feel like I'm in hell if I say it's anaddiction.
It's it.
But usually you don't get addicted like this.
Besides the addiction.
I get greedy for me.
Freedom is the path to hell.
I look for something better.
And then I feel I shouldn't.
So I make rules.
It's I make rules.
It's a bad cycle.
I'm following the rules now.
But I don't know about the future.
This doesn't matter.
But I think about it.
The first bite of food is the best.
Psychology know this.
If so.
Maybe it's better to eat what you like first.
Well.
Even if it's better to eat vegetables for health.
But I saved what I like for the end.
Still.
If you eat what you like after you're full.
You won't taste it as well.
Food tastes better when you're hungry.
I don't know about myself.
But I never do that.
I can't eat other things while thinking.
And I already finished my favorite food.
About eating the strawberry on a cake first orlast.
I talked about that before.
I won't talk about it.
No.
Because it takes too long.
Biologically it's better to eat it first.
And psychologically it's better for my personalityto eat it last.
But at breakfast.
I don't eat my favorite eggs first.
My taste is not as good there.
Since I haven't eaten for 10 hours.
The first thing I eat tastes good anyway.
If both things you like and don't like taste goodfor the first bite.
It doesn't matter which one you eat.
But if it's something you hate.
It's different.
The first bite is still the best.
I heard a podcast that was a shock.
There's a young business leader.
Who makes a lot of money and think exactly likeme.
He helped sports in school.
But thinks it took his time away.
He said in the show.
21:01
Is there any meaning in school sports?
He said.
Students use any percent of their time.
But they aren't trying to be professional.
He thinks the coaches are too mean.
He said there's no cost.
It should be in America.
Where people play different sports.
There should be a group for people who wanna beprofessional.
And a group for people who just wanna have fun.
I think the same.
When I played baseball.
My coach said.
If you wanna have fun.
Play in the park.
But if there are two patterns of team.
You'd wanna do that.
But you can't.
So you have to be there.
So telling someone to play in the park.
If they wanna have fun is too much.
Don't you think?
It's a crazy thing to say.
But I was surprised.
A person who think like me.
Is maybe one is ten thousand.
I met someone like that today.
It's a waste of time.
And not cost effective.
There are too many people who don't notice that.
It's a waste to practice hard.
If you aren't trying to be a professional.
He said that for me.
I'm recording tonight.
I actually when I was thinking about the mic.
I thought I had to think about it.
After I finished thinking about the show name.
I can't remember.
What I was gonna think about for such a long time.
I'm not buying a new mic.
And it's not about the app.
It's about using tape.
I was thinking about it many times.
But I don't know.
I know it's not important.
But I wanted to think about it.
And it's good for killing time.
Maybe I could have improved something.
I'm frustrated.
Also the show name is decided.
But I don't think.
It's all rich people.
So I'm trying to change it again.
I'm recording in the middle of the night.
I'll talk about what I noticed yesterday.
When I was a student.
I thought humans should always trying to changehow they live.
I thought you should change little by little.
A few years ago.
I realized that was wrong.
I wasn't focusing on what was in front of me.
My mind was always somewhere else.
Thinking about how to improve.
Even business leaders are always using their head.
But this is different.
24:00
It's because of the religion.
It's really because of the religion.
Usually this doesn't happen.
Besides the religion.
It's also how I was born.
It's not something you can just do.
That's what happened to me.
Yesterday I thought that while watching a video ofa concert.
If I were doing a concert.
My mind wouldn't be there.
I'd be thinking about the next thing.
And wouldn't care about the fans.
But for looking at the video.
No one was like that.
I'm always thinking about what to do.
And how to be different.
I'm not like that now.
Most people don't improve things one by one.
They only make big changes a few times in life.
Other animals just eat and go to the bathroom.
They put their lips into what's in front of them.
That reminded me.
A famous person asked what someone wanted to be intheir next life.
They said they want to be human.
Because they don't have to feel danger.
But because we don't feel danger.
We have worries that other animals don't have.
Because there's no danger.
We have humans.
The word saying inside means there's no worryabout accident.
I don't know how to say it.
Of course there's worry about not knowing whatwill happen today.
But it's different.
Maybe because there's no tension.
I have different worries since that's bad for mymind.
I tried to have some tension.
My first year of staying inside was hard because Ihad no tension.
I didn't have to see mean teachers.
So I had no tension.
It was terrible.
About the show.
I thought about what's unique about me.
I thought about being offline for over 10 yearsand leaving the religion.
There's not much else.
I thought about other things but what's left isbeing off.
Also being a perfectionist and caring a lot aboutthings.
There are all kind of being off.
Also being a child of the religion and leaving.
It's the same as what I thought before.
What I want to say is that I can't put that intoshow name well.
No matter what much I think.
It's the same as before.
Also I had a bad dream before.
Maybe it's because I was worried about the phonemic.
27:03
I couldn't put the mic into the phone.
Then my mother appeared and said I didn't needthis blanket and took it.
She asked when I put it there.
Then I noticed it was a dream.
There was an anime like this before.
But this world is dark.
My mother changed into a different person.
I forgot the small details.
But it was a bad dream for two night.
But today's dream won't be a trauma.
I wonder what kind of life makes a dream trauma.
I remembered one more thing.
I forgot the important talk.
This might be different for each group.
But when I think about this.
I remember the religion.
They say it's important.
Get over big world.
So they always trying to make event.
I don't know.
I don't know why.
I wanna live a unique quiet life.
This is a nuisance.
You don't have to face challenges all the time.
Whether you call it boring or not.
I really want them to stop.
I want them to let me just keep doing one thing.
That's fine.
That's more reasonable for humans.
If you make extra event and change.
You definitely fail.
And those failure mean nothing.
You don't learn a lesson.
It's just a failure from making a change.
If you change again.
That lesson won't mean anything.
I didn't talk about last night's dinner.
I said the fish cake in the chili sauce was good.
My father and mother said the salmon was good too.
For two nights the chicken with chili sauce didn'thave much taste.
But yesterday morning it had a taste.
It was just fish cake.
But it had a taste.
That was the right answer.
Last night was fried imitation crab and fishcakes.
It just taste like imitation crab.
But it was good.
It was usual taste.
It's fried.
But it's not chicken or pork.
In Kansai they make pork into tempura.
30:01
Also croquette maybe.
I'm not good at eating croquette.
I like them.
But they disappear too fast in my mouth.
Like tofu they just melt.
About English word.
I try not to use hard words if I learn them.
They don't mean much.
If I only use them once.
But nouns are hard.
Technical words are.
And there are so many nouns.
People say middle school level is fine for Englishconversation.
But I struggle with name of food.
They aren't in word books.
There are words that only exist in daily English.
There is no standard for the level.
I don't know which words to use or not.
It's good if I can say it in a different way.
I find things out in my own way.
I'm not an expert.
But I know things that experts don't explain.
But since I'm not an expert.
I can't share my findings.
So it's meaningless.
I feel alone.
Everyone says just simple words are fine.
But actually the number of names for things ishuge.
So it's not true that just a few words are enough.
No one else was saying that.
This happened in my daily life.
I'm recording this morning.
It was hard since morning.
I thought about using type to stop the wind noise.
But then I thought it would cover the hole.
I'll check my video with my mother from now on.
I'm changing clothes today.
So I talk about that.
Usually you just change.
But I have to tell my mother.
She cleans the floor.
Put my clothes there.
And I stand on them to change.
I also told her about wiping my body.
I asked her to post my podcast already today.
For the reason I'm sorry to ask her.
Also I wanted to record the English talk earlythis morning.
I asked her to post early for that reason.
33:06
I asked about the video.
The white hair.
And it was my mother's.
It can be helped.
She looked sorry.
I thought it was my mother's hair.
If it's my mother's.
It happens when she's cooking.
So it's okay.
She apologized a lot.
So I didn't know what to do.
One more thing.
I'm not anime fan and don't collect figures.
But I have no defense against people.
I don't have a barrier.
So all the mean things come to me.
I'm unlucky.
I had a hard time in school.
Do you understand?
There are many other people who are more strange.
So why did they have to be mean to me?
I don't think I have many reasons to be made funof.
I'm not that stupid.
Also a member of Nogizaka got married.
And another got divorced lately.
I wonder if the person who got divorced would goto the wedding.
I talked about it with my mother.
She said she won't care.
I think that even if you tell people not to worryabout you.
It's a waste.
I was daydreaming about that.
A new person at the tax office was thereyesterday.
I'm interested in work.
So I asked my mother.
If they were an accountant or a public servant.
Since they are new.
It was hard for me.
They had to ask their boss.
When I hear that.
I feel down because I don't have a job.
And don't face those challenges.
I think about how they see me.
And it's hard.
I also talked with my mother about manager Shinjo.
He was cheated out of.
Since they are new.
It was hard for them.
They had to ask their boss.
When I hear that.
I feel down because I don't have a job.
And don't face those challenges.
I think about how they see me.
And it's hard.
I also talked with my mother about manager Shinjo.
He was cheated out of hundreds of millions.
If that hadn't happened.
He wouldn't be a manager now.
It's amazing that he gives people courage.
36:00
When I hear that.
I think so.
There's no point in being happy or sad about what's in front of you.
Some might think you can always start over.
But I don't think it's that.
You don't know until your life is over.
People say they are who they are because of whathappened.
But they haven't heard anything.
If you lived for over 20 years.
You should know that.
Also a member of Nogizakaki did a lot of stairsclimb.
But on TV.
It looked like she already did a few.
It's a cruel world.
I imagine the host being shocked and calling her awoman of stairs.
I'm sorry for jumping around.
But doing good things for others in secret is saidto be wonderful.
Maybe that's unique to Japanese people.
There's an idea of doing things where people cansee instead of showing off.
In the religion I was in.
There was that kind of practice.
It depends on the person.
But no one can keep doing that.
I couldn't do it.
It's a cruel world.
I imagine the host being shocked and calling her awoman of stairs.
I'm sorry for jumping around.
But doing good things for others in secret is saidto be wonderful.
Maybe that's unique to Japanese people.
There's an idea of doing things where people cansee instead of showing off.
In the religion I was in.
There was that kind of practice.
It depends on the person.
But no one can keep doing that.
I couldn't do it.
You don't need to practice that.
People who don't want anything but don't have thatthought from the start.
People who do have that thought won't be able tokeep it up.
It's too much to make people do it and practice.
You might do it once.
But then you'll wanna say you did it.
It's not meaningless as a practice.
If you'd feel there's no reward if you're notthankful.
You don't have to do it.
It won't make you grow as a reason.
They probably thought that makes you grow.
It might be a cruel way to live for them.
But it means nothing.
39:01
It's normal to wanna be thankful.
That's a good relationship.
If you feel you must be thankful.
You don't have to do anything for others' goodjob.
Thank you for listening.
