00:00
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.Fighting alone, every single day. No one sees it,but I keep going. Slow is fine. Stopping is fine.Just move forward. Hikikomori Hero, stillstanding.
This is just a podcast.
I'll start talking about today's topics. First wassomething that feels small, but also big to me. Ialways eat soybeans with my lunch. There's a cheapstore on a website, so I decided to buy blacksoybeans from America.
I find a good one, but I stopped and didn't buyit. Black soybeans don't have much taste, so Idecided to order chickpeas.
Then, right after, I decided that the blacksoybeans I had today actually had their own taste.I've eaten them many times, and they usually tastethe same as yellow soybeans, but today they had areal taste.
I feel so unlucky. I don't know if it's mypersonality, but I'm really unlucky. It hurtsbecause my life always fell off. And I have badluck, too. I think luck is just like a coin toss,and there's no good or bad.
But I'm still unlucky. Even if they didn't have ataste today, I still can't give up. I wanted totry a black soybeans. If they have a taste, you'dwanna buy them, right? And they had a taste rightat this timing.
But the biggest problem is why I feel so bad aboutit right now. Talking about it makes me feel likeI don't know what's next about the show name.
I decided on it, but I wonder if it's better tomake it for people interested in Japan. But thenthere would be many stories they won't like. Iwonder if people will listen to stories aboutstaying inside.
I'm also thinking about people who wanna hearabout real experience with brain treat. And I'mthinking about making it for people in America. Iwonder how much I can talk with brain treat as mymain theme.
03:10
I'm thinking about everything. I also wonder if itwill work for people who hate positive thinking orpeople who think life has no meaning. I don'tthink it fits well. It's hard to some say it'sbetter to focus on a small group so it's rarelyhit.
Someone also I don't wanna make the episode titlehard but I wonder if I should use those words. Ifound out lately that SEO for podcasts is verydifferent from blogs. The rules are totallydifferent.
Next, this is just a daydream, like a dream. Iremembered the young people in the religion andwonder if I would go there. I wanna university. Idon't miss it or want it at all. It's just adream. It has no meaning.
I wondered if I would like fashion or how I wouldtalk. I imagined how I'd act if they tried tobring me into a meeting. I was daydreaming aboutthe small details.
Next, it's about what I talked about before. Ithink this happened two years ago too. I failedwith the tool for English. I studied words thatwere too hard. I checked my time to do it right.But a bug happened in an app. When I practice mysound, I listen over and over. I do it very hard.But all that time was wasted. It's so frustrating.
When this happens, I usually try to get that timeback by only studying super easy words. But I knowthat part. So, I try to go back. But then, I gotoo far the other way. I can't find a goodbalance. It's useless to tell a perfectionist tofind a balance.
I already know that. Even when I think I've fixedit, I haven't. It's like a short person trying tobe tall. It doesn't change. That's how it is.
Next, an idol cried because she couldn't choosewhat to order at the sushi place. People said meanthings about her. This is my daydream. But Iimagined a senior member on a travel show saying,I'll order this so you can order the same thingand not worry.
06:19
People said a lot of things but I heard she mighthave an eating problem. It's not true. It might bewhy she was like that. So, I feel sorry for her. Iwondered if I would worry too. People always haveparts they don't notice.
I don't understand many things about her. But Idon't think the sushi thing was a big deal. Irealized my feelings are very different from mostpeople. Also, everyone said famous people have areally hard time. I might have said this beforebut I'm not sure if famous people really have ithard.
People say the world of fame is a hard path. But Ithink every path is hard. Staying inside has itsown problems. Thinking about it today, I thoughtit was strange.
I don't hear about actors and I don't even try tounderstand comedians. People say idols have ithard. I think the hardest part is going back tonormal life after being an idol. There will bemany problems because there's no manager.
Also, this afternoon, I had someone use thecomputer for me. I was using my phone and theystarted doing extra things. There was no need todo anything in that short time.
When I looked up, because I was tired, theystopped. Maybe they thought I'd say something theyshouldn't have used it from the start. I've toldthem many times but they don't change. I forgotthe details but they usually fail when they doextra things. They don't understand that.
Next, I saw a show about a shop. They said I couldsee the info on a website. I looked but it wasjust a general site for Nijin Market in Sapporo. Iwish they would check more before they speak.Also, there's a famous person who looks likesomeone but I can't remember who.
09:04
My mom said she looks like someone too. So, I'mnot wrong. That's why I'm curious. It's hardbecause I must have seen that person somewhere. It's probably someone I've seen many times. It'shard. I might remember from a small thing or maybethat person doesn't exist.
Lately, I think I'm made of my memories. If Ithink about what I am, it's memories. Because Ihave memories, I can think the person yesterdayand today is the same me. If I lost my memories, I'd be a different person. But it's hard becausethere's DNA too.
Also, I don't think now is fun because I feel it'snow. I look at my memory and know it was fun. So,my mind is looking at my memory. Even if a dreamis very hard, I forget it when I wake up so I don't care. If there's no memory, it's not a problem.That's how I judge if a day was good or bad.
I look at my memory. For the show name, my ideasare too pretty. I wonder if I should focus on asmaller target since my blog days. I've thoughtabout where it's easy to win or if I should gowhere everyone else is. It's a bit different.
But I wonder if I'm doing the same thing. I don'tknow if I'm making the same mistake as my blog'sday. I learned I could focus on some people withepisode titles but that feels forced if a talkabout brain traits suddenly come up. It's strange.
I'm also worried about whether I should talk aboutphilosophy. I can't throw away the idea of braintraits but I'm worried about that too. It's toocomplicated to explain. Brain traits won't goaway.
So, I'll talk about problems they cause. But maybeI should make the show and forget about the wordsbrain traits. My podcast is very unique so Ialways feel alone. Some people go their own wayand look cool but they don't care and I'm not thatstrong. I don't have special power so I'mdifferent from them.
12:00
Also, I never started riding a motorcycle. Iremembered how good it felt when the snow melt inmy school days. Hearing the bike makes me feelsad. I think they must feel great.
But I wonder if they go to Furano. The show nameis really hard. I can't put words like braintraits in the name or the info. I can't putspecific words for the episode titles. I can'texplain everything. Like how I was in religion for20 years and then left and stopped looking formeaning in life.
I can't explain my unique way of thinking in atitle. I can't write it in the info. But peopleonly see the name, the info, the art, and then thetitle. But if I write nothing, I can't show myunique life. It's a very big life. It'sfrustrating that I can't say it is one word.
Next, I wanna do something but it's not sure aboutthe brain trait or thing inside. Next, I've beeneating too many soybeans and my body smells likethem. But it's strange that I don't mind it once Iget used to it. This is very complicated. It'sbetter not to get used to bad feelings.
But feelings are important. For living, theymatter for our lives. So my feelings arecomplicated. An idol's father might feelcomplicated seeing her in a swimsuit in a book.But he might just forget that.
Because she's an idol, humans live by running fromreality or deleting memories. It's funny in a badway. Also, when I think about my podcast, I lookfor bad part and then look from other side overand over. I feel like I'm getting closer to theright answer.
But I know things are just different. I'm showingthat. There's only difference. And nothing isreally good or bad. I'm recording at night now. Ifound a story about a British from anothercountry. He said good is bad and bad is good. Itseems like one way of thinking that life has nomeaning.
I don't understand what he means because I'm thatway too. I don't know if I'm affected by him. Butwe have things in common. He's a very famouspolitician. He said he feels good doing badthings.
15:13
I can kind of understand. It's not that I feelgood doing bad things and I never do things thatgo against what's right. But when I do theopposite of what people think is right orvaluable, I feel that everything is justdifferent.
Like I said, good and bad are two sides of thesame thing. There's no difference. When I seethat, it might feel good. I don't know if I reallydid that. But it's not that I feel good doing badthings.
The real way is that you don't feel good or bad.That's what it really means to think life has nomeaning. Also, I'm confused by the word nihil.Some say to be strong and the word has a badmeaning.
But it's just me giving up on the meaning ofthings. Whether I call it that or something else,it's the same to me. I'll use that word. I'll beunderstood. But I don't know what other words touse.
What I wanna say is don't be stuck in your ownthought. Value is just an idea. It's somethinghuman made in their head. When I do somethingdifferent while knowing that, I might feel good.
Also, Sanrio is famous in the world. I wonder ifthey sell more than Disney. I'll check why theyare so popular lately. For the earlier talk, thereare different types of people who understand lifehas no meaning. Some give up. Some feel hopeless.And some stand up against it or just accept it.
Next, after I left the religion, I didn't feelburnt out or empty. I can live stronger now. Ilive in a quiet way. Life became much easier. Butnow I don't think life has meaning. I'm not surewhat to call myself. I don't feel any meaning inliving.
But to do things and keep my day moving, I have tofeel meaning in what's in front of me. That'swhere I've struggled. Also, in any religion, mostpeople rarely believe it's 10%, 100% right. If Iasked why, they can't answer.
18:09
They just meaning, but I don't think. I'm justbelieving it. I have reasoned. I also understandthere are other way to think. But I can say theyare all dream. Humans are full of dreams. The ideathat I am here is a dream. It's just memory.
People think they won't have an accident or theirpartner is a man or their partner won't cheat ortheir friend won't lie. It's all dream. Thinkinglife has meaning is also a dream. I'm not justblindly believing.
This is my strange point. It's hard to explainwhat it is if it's not blind belief. It's notabout having or not having a feeling or of beingsure.
I'm recording at night. I watch the video ofstreet music again and listen to music. When Iworry about the show name, I do that. I checkedabout Sanrio, but I didn't find a clear answer.Good things are hard to explain. Strange thingshappen to me often.
A Sanrio character came up in a Spotify ad.Yesterday, a former member of Nogizaka said shelikes Sanrio character. I wondered why it's sopopular and checked.
Then the ad came up right after. This has nothingto do with the rules of Spotify. It was an ad forSanrio and it was the exact character she liked.It's strange. I was looking at some numbers and I'm often in the small group. I feel a bit sadlooking at those numbers.
Also, I forgot to say. I was worried aboutchanging my clothes, but I was wrong aboutsomething, so I didn't need to worry.
Next, when I listen to music in bed, I'm in a highand low state. I'm always thinking about whatother songs to listen to. My interest is limitedand I might listen to the same songs more thanothers, but I listen to many songs. If I remember,I can't find a good song, so I think too much. Ican't focus on the music and it's hard.
I'm always scared of what will happen next. It's14am now. Before, an actress said to anotherfamous person, why didn't you go to the bestprivate university? If you are so smart, why didn't you go to the number one school? I canunderstand her feelings right away.
21:14
I've seen many bad parts of humans, includingmyself. 80% is just curious. The other 20% issaying, you think you are smart, but you are notat the top. Do you know that? I hate what she saidthat. That person did try for the top school. Theyjust failed.
Next, I'm awake now and was daydreaming sincemorning. A person on a show I watched stolesomeone's partner and got married, but now theylive apart. They seemed like such a good person,so I thought humans are hard to know.
Maybe they have a hidden side, or maybe they wereable to do that because they are so nice. Also, anidol is finishing Kyoto University this year. Ithink she worried a lot. I imagined the managersaying, if you don't finish, it'll be a bigproblem.
So, keep the university name a secret. Going touniversity won't make you super popular, so maybeyou should say it now. It might help yourpopularity. It was daydreaming about that. Also, Ican't decide on the show name, and I've beenthinking for 30 minutes since morning.
I'm having breakfast now. This doesn't mattermuch, but a famous person got back with theirpartner 2 years ago. I wondered if they've sent amessage online first, or if one of them asked fora meal.
Also, about last night's dinner, the salmon wasgood. I think it's been the same salmon since Iwas a kid, but it tasted better back then. It'sprobably frozen, but maybe the seasoning isdifferent.
I asked about the eggplant this morning, and theysaid the seasoning is the same, but it tastesbetter. It was the same as 2 days ago. Yesterday,they used green onion and fish cakes. That wasright. Also, chicken was chili sauce. I don't knowif that's a real dish, but it was good. I think itwas from Mr. Kanahara.
Mr. Kanahara, this morning, was gone eggs withcabbage and mushroom in breakfast. I was daydreaming about many things, but I can't rememberthem. They are like dream. I'm thinking too muchabout the show name. Mostly, I'm daydreaming.
24:12
In the video yesterday, salmon was eating crab ata pricey place in Hokkaido, but they were talkingso much. They couldn't taste it. The next day,they said they wanted to focus on eating at thefamous sushi place in Hokkaido. I knew it. Theywaited for a month for that, but they werefilming, so maybe they had to.
Even now, I'm daydreaming about those two. Onesaid, what age do you think I am? And the otherscan't answer, and they say, that's normal. Andtalk about their thought, I remember my cousin. Mymom sent a message saying, I gave my cousin a badmemory. I remember this many times. I feel sorry.
They apologized, but it was still hurt. I wonderwhy I sent that email. Even now, I was trying tosend a complaint to the religion. How did I sendit? It was just a complaint. The thing with mycousin was just me complaining.
I have to go upstairs early today because they goto the tax office. Before, I would panic. I wouldworry about what to do upstairs. I hate it when myroutine breaks, especially when my dad slept allday. I felt terrible.
Now I have a phone, so I'm okay. But I wonder, Igot a phone too early. I think it would have beenbetter not to have a phone while staying in thishouse. I think about that all the time. I'm notthinking about it every second.
It's every second. But when I'm in the bathroom orworking, I think of bad things. I don't have badmemories, but I worry about the future.
Last, something that doesn't matter. When I go tobed and the blanket feels wrong, I used to panic.I panicked yesterday too. I should just turn onthe light. I kept moving it, and the bottom partcame to the top. I felt terrible because thebottom is dirty.
I kept touching it, and it almost fell off thebed. It took 10 minutes. It was harder when I hada fridge fan. I always put the blanket in theright place before I sleep. Thank you.
