ポッドキャスト制作のルールと完璧主義
Continue to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
It's noon now.
First, I have a strange rule. I was watching HarryPotter lately, but I haven't been watching itthese days.
Also about the show name, I made a plan to decideon the show description, the explanation, and thecover art all in one day today.
So it went directly for a month or two likebefore.
At first, I wasn't planning to record the Englishepisode, but in the end, I recorded it in themorning.
I also made a very careful plan about what to dotoday about the show name.
Since I was thinking about it yesterday, why dothis today? I won't do that instead.
Or why do it?
Yes, it's my own rule.
I've been doing things like that for a long time,like for strength training.
At times when I thought I won't do it today, but I'll do this instead.
Now, next story.
Yes, I'm choosing the show cover art and the showname for the podcast now.
Especially for the cover art, I want to make it aseasy to understand and striking as possible sopeople know what the show is about.
But it's a very hard thing to do.
There's no way I can do it easily.
But I have to do it anyway.
Also, I have to make the show name in just one ortwo words.
I'm a bit stuck on these two.
And I finished the show description, too.
But there are still parts I don't feel sure about.
I only need to change one part.
But it makes me want to change everything.
It made me remember when I was in elementaryschool or when I grew up more.
I'm such a perfectionist that I can change justone part.
I've heard so many times like this.
Now, next story.
思考、感情、身体の関係性
What do you think?
When I think about something, my feelings change.
This happens a lot.
It's easy to understand.
You think about bad things.
You feel bad, right?
But it's rare that thinking about bad things evenaffect your body.
I think stress is a longer-term thing that buildsup.
And it takes a long time to build up until yourbody goes crazy.
In my case, when I think it will affect my body inmany ways.
For example, I feel sick like I have a carsickness just by daydreaming.
On the other hand, it's really like our thoughtsdon't change much because of our feelings.
It feels like today's thoughts aren't made by themood at that time, right?
But in my case, I get affected a lot.
But maybe everyone is like that.
When you're in a dark mood, you get controlled byit and your thoughts become like that too.
So you aren't choosing what to think bycontrolling yourself.
It's like a dream.
Even if it's not as much as a dream, I think ourthoughts are made by our feelings at that time.
In my case, it's always like that.
Feelings change because of the body's condition.
That's normal.
You feel good when your body is good and when youhave stress.
But for me, it's not just that.
My thoughts change too.
It starts to catch my attention directly.
The body's condition is mainly stress, not justgood or bad, but complex things.
It's hard to notice them.
In my case, especially with my health, it's hardto understand my body's condition.
But that's exactly why it's strange my thoughtscan change depending on my body's condition.
Have you had this kind of experience?
When you're sleeping at night and you wanna go tothe bathroom, you have a dream about going to thebathroom, right?
In my case, even when I'm awake, not to mentionfeelings, even my way of thinking changes becauseof my body's condition.
I get affected by it.
It makes me feel really strange.
日常の行動と迅速な実行
In my daily routine, when I do things withoutthinking, it goes badly.
But it's not good if I think too much either.
The skill I got by trying different things, theplace I reach, though it might sound strange too.
It's that I stepped through the usual process, butI'm trying to do it as fast as possible.
Part of it is because I'm a hasty person.
But it became a workout too.
And I'm relaxed.
Of course I don't feel lazy.
Anyway, I concentrate in each moment in my mind.
I concentrate in each moment and try to do it asfast as possible.
And that works just right.
I don't think too much and I don't act too muchwithout thinking.
他者との比較と自己の在り方
Also today, a member of Snow Man said that sincethey became popular like this, various people saidthings.
But to fight back, he's entering a dance contestnow.
It's very important of me to say this, but I havea side that lives strictly like this.
So I don't root to the feeling that nothingmatters.
It must be its own conclusion.
And I think this lifestyle fit me too.
I thought there are other people who do somethingthat looks completely unrelated just to fightback.
And though it seemed like a dead hour, it'sactually a good way to fight back.
I was really moved also.
When I was in junior high school, I was riding abicycle and the person in front of me was veryslow.
So I passed him.
Even though he was riding slowly until then, hepassed me back.
It would have been fine if he just kept going likeSnow Man.
But he became slow there.
So I passed him.
Cause he was too slow.
He did this to me over and over.
So I was daydreaming that I should have said thisto him.
Look, you are too slow.
So I have no choice but to pass you.
From common sense, this thinking isn't strange,right?
You have common sense, don't you?
If you understand right, I passed you.
And as soon as I passed, you got mad and passed meback.
And it'd be fine if you just went away.
But you became slow.
So of course I'll pass you again.
I thought I should explain it properly.
By the way, he had a mental disability.
「無意味」の探求と自己理解
I think about this show name.
And it might sound like my thoughts keep changingquickly.
But I don't think nothing matters.
And I'm not looking for a meaning like a story.
And I'm not shaking either.
I think there are many people like that.
It's not that I shake.
Because I have no confidence.
But I'm in a state where I'm standing still.
I thought I already shut down the path to having ameaning in the first place.
But actually I realized I might have been deepinside the feeling.
That's not the thing matters.
I was deep inside it when I keep thinking aboutand explaining things like this.
It feels like there's no meaning at all.
But now this is a very important thing for me.
Actually inside the feeling that nothing matters.
On the other hand, I wonder why I didn't give upor think everything is garbage.
But about this, maybe it's because I have ironrules.
Or I forgot if there was something else.
But looking for that reason itself made me.
I'm looking for a meaning.
But I must have been inside the ultimate state offeeling that nothing matters.
But I think people in the world are mistaken.
Giving up hope isn't that ultimate state yet.
It's a state where you are still looking for astory.
That's why giving up hope and having hope are theone thing.
You can give up hope because you see right behindit.
When you really stop looking for a story, you can't even give up hope.
Like I said before, usually when people feelnothing matters.
They give up themselves, right?
But I was staring right at it.
And I kept standing.
But it's not that I tried to do that myself.
Why I gave up hope and stayed where nothingmatters.
I would run to the rescue at that time.
In a way, that's rescue too.
And it's a state of looking for a rescue later.
I used the word right earlier.
But if you can run to the rescue, what happens isyou really give up hope.
You realize that rescue is just a fantasy and thatthere is a story too.
When that happens, you break down completely.
That's why I know things have no meaning.
But I had no choice but to do that.
I broke up from things in a big way.
For a long time, I kept thinking why I can't keepstanding straight inside this emptiness.
My daily routine, rules, and being strict.
I thought I was fighting back against it.
But I was wrong.
宗教経験と虚無の中での安定
The reason why I couldn't keep standing is becausethe 20 years I spent in religion.
So I'll say it simply.
To put it simply, the words might be wrong.
But there is no meaning to live in this world.
I understand the truth deeply from the bottom ofmy heart.
Not halfway.
That's why I think I can keep standing inside thisemptiness.
Before I thought of myself as a teacher ofreligion.
I thought that before it wasn't right.
I just followed blindly.
But while having a bad reaction.
I tried hard to believe and live.
Because I tested.
I tested.
Did I realize that meaning is actually a fantasy.
Because there was a breakdown called light.
Did I decide never to risk again.
But I think I might understand it through thebone.
It feels that way.
I must understand that it doesn't exist.
Also, I noticed one more thing.
Of course, it's because the rules of a disciplinedlife.
But also, I feel meaning in things, right?
Friend told me to live at the minimum level,right?
For example, during meal.
It's not for something else but just to taste.
There is no special purpose where I tasted before.
I thought I should concentrate.
One point right in front of me.
But it's not such a nice story.
Also, it's a physical feeling.
So, I see things by the feeling.
Not the meaning.
I thought that is nothing to do with it.
But I can trust that.
The physical feeling of things or physicalreaction.
For example, during meal.
Feeling the taste.
That's kind of physical reaction from the taste.
I can believe physical event.
That doesn't mean I only believe what I can see.
I don't understand the meaning.
Only believing or not believing what you see.
So, it's story.
But whether you believe in a fantasy or ghoststory, right?
I'm not saying that kind of thing now.
I'm not saying good thing.
Of course, I don't believe in ghost story either.
Apart from that.
Also, 20 years I was in religion.
Nietzsche was like that too.
In philosophy, there must be a reaction against ittoo.
I always say this.
But life has no meaning.
So, the energy comes out as a reaction.
But what I'm saying now is.
How do I stay alive like this?
What kind of energy is it?
There might be no such thing as energy.
But how does the minimum energy to run a minimumlife come out?
Animal instinct.
Because I was in religion.
I understand from bottom of my heart that there isno meaning to live.
And because I believe it, I don't get beaten downeither.
And I just notice there is no meaning to live.
Usually, I know that nothing matters.
But I think these 20 years are big.
Even when I believe there is a meaning to live.
There was a bad reaction.
And anyway, a huge realist was made.
Also, roots I think.
But the reason why I live.
I can manage my life more deeply than just roots.
There must be something big.
It's not a story.
But being supported by someone.
It's not that problem.
Though, of course, that truth.
I have to manage by myself.
To live inside this.
Lonely place.
I have to manage somehow.
But I wonder how I can live inside this lonelyplace.
Emptiness.
We are not seeing matters.
Because usually people break down.
In my case, this world is empty.
So it must be a fighting spirit against it.
I'm sure that is it.
That's why.
Because there is no meaning.
Definitely a fighting spirit to keep standingstraight.
Let's change the story a bit.
他者の行動と日常の食事
There a male idol was aiming for dance contest.
And he teamed up with a school girl.
He's been an idol for some years.
And I thought good things can just fall from thesky.
He spent three hours making a lunch box andbrought it.
He's a member of Snow Man.
I mean a girl of that age would be super happy,right?
A person from the group she supports make a lunchbox and bring it.
You never know what will happen in life.
It's not that I never did anything like that.
Like a good thing falling from the sky.
But I can't think of one right away.
Now about the meal.
First, the kimchi I looked different from usual.
So I panicked.
After this, it was a croquette that tasted likethe inside of a dumpling.
It was my first time having that croquette.
But I wondered if the fried batter had anymeaning.
And I ate while calculating the balance betweenthe batter and the inside.
But very carefully, as I said before,
I found that the reason why I still can't use asmall
caterer's fruit and why I don't go to the nextingredient
until I finish eating one.
Well, first, I can never concentrate.
My mind goes to the other one.
Also, I want to save the one that I like forlater.
And I forget the rest.
Well, it's something I noticed a long time ago.
But I haven't talked about it here.
So I'll talk about it.
If you can eat well during meal.
Since we are bad at eating.
You should eat this ingredient this way, right?
Then you try not to do the same thing next time,right?
When you do that.
It never goes well.
Probably everything in this world is changing.
And if you try to do the same thing as last timewithout much change.
It never goes well.
I have to change a bit, too.
If you stick to it and try to do the same asbefore.
It's not good.
That's why Buddha said don't stick to it.
Everything changes.
So he said you shouldn't stick to change.
It's such a small thing in life, right?
But what Buddha said feels like it.
It's in each moment like this.
Rather than in big things in life.
It stays there.
Also, there were green peppers and shrimp andchili sauce.
But today, too.
I thought about those two girls from high school.
One of them talked to me until I went to the bath.
And the other girl talked to me, too.
And asked me out on a date.
I felt regret, too.
I was thinking about what they thought.
When I looked at the club activity.
They always cheered for me a lot in the game.
Before I quit, I was thinking what they felt atthat time, too.
But the reason why I have to think about themeaning of human life like this.
Because I'm living a hidden life.
On the other hand, why don't people in the worldhave to think about it every time?
Because humans always get carried away by thepeople around them.
Whether they want to go or not.
They have to live by being carried away by others.
They are saved because they are chased by time.
But I think there must be other people like this.
I had a perfect fantasy.
When I was in religion.
That breakdown is a huge thing that makes mestrong.
宗教経験と物語からの解放
To say, it simply escapes my heart from breaking.
It's a preparation against the chip of a rescue.
It's like a defense that was made.
Also during religion days.
I believed in meaning many times.
And I noticed giving up hope and contradiction.
When questions came up, I didn't follow blindly.
And to put it in a nice way, I was honest.
So that made me suffer a lot.
So I believed in a small delight.
And when it broke down later.
I was made to experience what happens many times.
So I didn't run away into stories.
Also even if I was betrayed a bit there.
It became no problem.
I don't know, but when you do religion.
You have to root your ego or personal desires,right?
You have to leave it to God.
I certainly thought I was being led to.
When the story broke down in the first place.
The main character like myself didn't exist.
So I didn't have to give up hope.
I didn't need to run away into stories.
If so, other members or other believers.
Where the weight is very different between me andother believers.
But maybe even if I say the main character didn'texist in the first place.
I have an ego, right?
I think that feeling is weak.
But there might be a real.
But I don't think.
I feel rich to God.
But I felt rich.
But I left it to him.
It's not that I depended on him.
But I might have gone through the process.
Throwing away my ego.
And maybe my emotional ups and downs.
And that's a notice for me.
Emotional ups and downs were desires.
When I entered religion.
As a notice things get in the way of survival.
I became able to handle it since the religiondays.
Though the purpose is completely different now.
But as a result, could that.
Maybe this place doesn't change now.
I don't know if only the surface part is the same.
This is strange too.
虚無と現実の受容
Though I said I can stand inside emptiness.
Because it's empty.
I don't become a perfectionist.
And I don't expect too much in a strange way.
So I feel like it's connected with Buddha'steaching too.
Well that's fine.
Apart from that.
Nothing matters.
I can live like this.
My feeling that nothing matters.
I keep my mental stability.
It's strange isn't it.
Because I'm inside the feeling that nothingmatters.
I have to keep myself from.
Being swallowed by emptiness.
But because I'm inside it.
There are parts where I'm saved too.
It's strange before.
I thought I need both depression and OCD like twowheels of a car.
And that's connected a lot with the story.
OCD means rules right.
Depression means that emptiness.
It's interesting.
But I have to think about the shonen all night fortwo days in a row.
So I'm feeling a bit down.
But I was thinking about many things inside that.
I feel various things.
And people's heart.
Sensitively.
But some people don't care about that at all.
There are cases where that person's story comesnaturally.
And I think like a genius.
There was a comedian like that.
Comedian maybe had a team with me.
It's rare after all.
Do I see the hidden side of that person.
I think what kind of hidden meaning there is.
But I don't care much about people who lookstrong.
I can watch them with a safe feeling next storylike looks are strange.
Aren't they.
People in the world act like there is a rightanswer.
So they decide this person is handsome orsomething like that right.
Even when I look at articles.
They seem to know that everyone likes differentthings right.
Then I don't think you can decide if someone'slooks are good or bad.
But looks are strange even with awareness.
I think everyone sees a person as beautiful orhandsome in the same way.
When I think they are beautiful or handsome.
But that might be an illusion too.
But it feels like there is such a standard too.
But after all everyone's standard is completelydifferent.
Also because it's empty.
I don't expect too much.
And I don't get too anxious.
I don't get too anxious.
Also I throw away the sense of duty.
Do you know why.
Also I don't become too much perfectionist.
Also the survival steps without rules.
I can't go into emptiness.
But because it's empty.
I can do survival steps.
So there is a contradiction.
I used the word to words earlier.
But they hold hands well.
Become a circle and loops in a good way.
It must be working as ordered to.
It's night now.
It's midnight.
Mom is on the first floor now.
So I go to the bathroom.
And after more than 30 minutes passed.
My stomach went bad.
And I spent tens of minutes in the bathroom.
Moreover I've been pulling my sleeves up to myelbows since more than 10 years ago.
I do it because I can't wash my hands.
Or I can't wash them well.
But they kept slipping down.
So it was trouble.
I still had many things to do.
But the show name too.
身体的不調と自己受容
And when I'm standing.
My right foot hurts.
So I'm standing on my left foot.
That tired me out too.
So it was tough.
Also a singer is doing the ending theme for anime.
And he was interviewed.
There is a part that mimics or copies the maintheme, the song.
And when I heard it.
All the people often think the track is fine.
If the listeners imagine it right.
This person said that today too.
But it's clearly nothing but respect to the maintheme song.
And when I heard it.
All the people often think the track is fine.
If the listeners imagine it right.
This person said that today too.
But it's clearly nothing but respect to the maintheme song.
So I kept thinking why he said it that way at thattime.
Also I was thinking about the show name.
And I thought it becomes a study for English too.
So that's good.
But when I speak.
When I output.
I don't use such difficult words.
So what was the meaning.
他者との違いと自己肯定
It had no meaning at all.
And I was shocked to notice that.
Also I'm recording the English episode in thepodcast.
And I think nobody else would do this.
I look up to him.
I wonder why I can't do it like that.
So about this.
It's fine to be different from others.
And there's no need to look down on myself.
Because I'm different.
I can't wipe out that feeling either.
So in this case.
I just have to keep going even though I was raisedby religion.
It's rare that I became empty like this.
But I think because I was in religion.
I can keep standing inside emptiness.
I'm watching from a step back.
So to speak.
I shouldn't be swallowed by desire.
So now I shouldn't be swallowed by emptiness.
Though emptiness itself is a desire.
It must be the same thing.
But at that time I was doing religion.
So it was different from now.
To keep from being swallowed by desire.
That means I had a habit.
Habit of stepping back and observing my mindcondition.
I look at it.
I look at it from a step back.
Thinking I feel like this now.
So I don't think I can see it objectively.
What I want to be saved.
Rather the reason why I don't get carried away.
By thought.
Because I was trained by this thought.
Because I have a habit of looking at my feelingsfrom a step back.
I might be keeping myself from running away to anew rescue.
Also I was inside a huge system.
虚無との共存と現実への視点
But meaning right.
I didn't jump into a new rescue.
Thinking things will be fine.
If I have this.
If I hold something important.
I know this inside effect of rescue.
Also the fact that it's empty.
Because it's desire.
Instead of emergency.
If you compare it to the weather.
It's just like there are rainy days too.
So I don't think.
It's such an emergency.
And on the contrary.
Because I did religion.
I might be able to bear this emptiness.
Also something that supports me more than survivalsteps I mentioned earlier.
There are rules that nature not cutting theconnection with reality.
It might be nature that became my core.
Not taking my eyes of reality.
This is such a different thing.
People often say it's right.
Turning your eyes away from reality.
You could say it's because I can't do that.
So it must be a feeling that I can't go back tofantasy.
Also as an essential reason why I can stay insideemptiness.
I might think the structure of a story.
How people are made by a story.
And how it creates nature depending on it.
That's why I don't get hurt.
Fortunately must understand it to the marrow.
Also adults can't move unless there's meaning.
But I'm all same.
I can't moving unless there's meaning.
But I could manage with rest of it.
That's why I can live inside emptiness right.
Because I understand that it's empty.
But I can live like this.
This is a natural thing to.
But for me emptiness is a flat land.
It's not something you fall from.
It's a flat land.
Bring aside why it became so.
Emptiness was a flat land.
But that's because I was inside religion.
So it feels like.
I'm watching from inside the story.
Rather than watching from the outside.
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