日常の小さな不調と味覚の誤解
Continue to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts
I'm so unlucky today. I wasn't even listening tomusic, but the sound of my snoring cat recorded,who I had just put my phone next to me like alwayswhen I sleep.
It would have been fine. Do you get it? The thingthat was least likely to happen. It's like amiracle, a bad luck. Something that neverhappened, happened at the same time.
And the impossible thing happened too. Together,it makes me feel like my luck is just terrible. I'm sorry this shouldn't happen bad for me. Ithappens quite often. Maybe it's because I'mnegative when I see it that way.
I don't know. With that, it's fine. But I reallyfeel like I'm just unlucky. Also, I hope thisbecomes a funny story in a few years.
But I bought 5kg of chicken beans, 5kg in a 6-month supply. The bag said this did taste likepumpkin or chestnut. They don't taste like chestnut, but I did taste pumpkin.
I couldn't figure out what the taste was exactly.After thinking for two weeks, I finally realizedyesterday.
It's not the taste of pumpkin. It's the taste ofpumpkin skin. I didn't think it tasted likepumpkin like it said. But if it tasted like skin,that changed things.
But I wouldn't have bought them if I knew. I thinkI was too quick to buy them. They have less oilthan soybeans, so even if I put them in a grinder,they get thick and sticky. I don't really likethat.
母親との関係と過去の約束
Also, when I woke up and went downstairs earlierthan usual, my mom jumped up in a hurry. We had arule that she shouldn't sit around all day.
She probably let her guard down and sat down. Thengot surprised when she saw me. Actually, I had adream. I forgot what it is.
Well, my mom betrayed me again. Sadly, this isn'tjust a feeling, but a dream. I felt this way manytimes in real life. She betrayed me in ways youwouldn't believe.
Then this morning, that happened. She let me usethe PC, but I felt betrayed again. A long timeago, she then followed a promise that helped medecide my path.
She didn't even look for info. I told her not towatch TV, but years passed and we had many fightsabout it. She got yelled at by me, but she wasstill watching TV.
In the middle of the night, I really felt betrayedagain. Also, at 5am, I scratched myself inside mypants. My plan was to wake up early and record theEnglish episode, but I forgot.
I tried to change my routine, but I couldn't do itas planned. Until 5.30am, the time I usually wakeup, I tried to look back at what I saw and heardyesterday.
But I fell asleep. I'm so frustrated. I'm veryimpatient. So I wanted to record the English partin the morning.
When things change, bad things or unlucky thingshappen, I'm weak to change and only at a time likethis. My mom hasn't posted my episode yet. I'll doit.
Because I can't use the PC well, it wasn't posted,so I just woke up early. But nothing. Sorry I'mimpatient.
So I feel like I have to record quickly. Wedecided we'd post it early in the morning, so Iwonder why she didn't today, on top of beingunlucky.
There are two incidents with my mom this morning.They are small but still are also bad Englishpronunciation.
英語学習の葛藤と自己分析
There are many ways of teaching since yesterday.This is important, but since everyone teachesdifferently, I don't know what to believe.
I couldn't find a middle ground. I was lost. Itwas the same when I had a blog. I thought I couldwrite about my experience with things likeWordPress.
But while I'm good at explaining myself, I'm badat explaining other things. If I tried to be acook or explain DIY, it would be over for me.
I thought it would be good if I could writearticles with my English knowledge when I get oldand can't record anymore.
I understand the struggles of learning, but Iprobably won't write a blog or be a teacher in thefuture, so it hurts.
But most English sounds is the Showa sound. It's asound we don't have in Japanese.
Why I try to say it weakly? It disappears, but whyI say it?
But if I say it clearly, it's not a Showa anymore.This sound. More than 30% of English words usethis sound.
Honestly, for a Japanese person, it's like, whatis going on?
Also, when I see YouTube comments attacking peoplewithout Japanese jobs, I start thinking of excuseslike I have a trait, but then I wonder if that'sjust an excuse.
If it were just an excuse, I'd be working already.It's not an excuse. I really can't work.
I've been looking for work for over 10 years.Since 10th grade, I've looked for work I could do.At first, because of the religion I was in.
I felt a strange sense of duty and made thingsworse. Then I realized I got depressed because ofhuman relations, and I looked for work I could doalone.
I found nothing. I could work in a group or usedmy health papers to work, but it was allimpossible.
That's how it went. But I don't feel likeexplaining this to people because they won'tlisten.
Anyway, people who listen to my podcast might bedifferent.
録音の失敗とポッドキャストの構想
The next I failed at recording the English episodeagain this morning. What is wrong with me?
I'm not drinking. I'm not half asleep.
I'm not tired. Well, I'm always tired, but themorning was just strange.
Also, I thought about making a separate show forthe Japanese episode. Maybe if I post it on StandFM, more people would see it.
I won't do it, but I think it's worth it.
Anyway, also, I spend the morning scratching aboutEnglish pronunciation. I know it doesn't mean muchto look it up, but I do it anyway.
It's the same as the show name and cover art Ialso wore it, but the description, I wondered whyI should change it since it got wrong or keep itin the end.
I couldn't decide while doing that.
The morning ended. I'm recording here now.
アニメ業界と地域間の比較意識
I'm not interested in anime, but I listened to asmart person talk about it because I wanted tohear their ideas.
They say when an anime studio makes a movie, theyusually lose money. It's very rare for one to dowell.
But anime is the one thing Japan can be proud ofin the whole world, so I can't help but think thatgreat works are made exactly because it's abusiness that doesn't make money.
In sports like pro baseball, some players make 100or 200 million yen, and in that makes the wholesports stronger.
Since anime makes no money, but people still makegood things, I thought maybe if it made a lot ofmoney, they wouldn't make such good works anymore.
I was thinking like a critic.
Also a person on the radio from Yokohama saidthere are city people and other parties in Yokohama.
They feel a bit like they're below the citypeople.
Before I heard someone from Tohoku had a rivalfeeling with other states.
It's the same in the Kansai area.
When people think about who is above or below, Ithink their mind have both feelings in the Yokohama story they feel below.
But they also feel better than people in thecountry because they live in a city.
Yokohama is a city.
People wanna feel the better feelings.
So they compare the way human think, but who isbetter?
Better when comparing is interesting.
I hate rooting, so I compare a lot too.
But I don't like that part of myself.
But everyone does it.
I think that's what loving your hometown is allabout.
It's the same when people say and think aboutother countries or feel love for their country orschools.
Human think in very complex ways.
But who is above or below, they have bad feelingsbut also good feelings.
And they keep balance.
But I think the love your hometown or feel likeyour part of a group having a rival makes you feelcloser to your hometown and helps you see the goodpart, this is normal.
But I don't.
英語の発音の難しさと過去の経験
Like how people hate those who compare or wannawin.
After that, I kept thinking about Englishpronunciation.
First, you copy people.
You practice by copying how native speakers talk.
But because of your first language or just yourJapanese ears, there are some sounds you can neverhear.
Even if you study the pronunciation marks, it'snot enough.
When works in a sentence, the sounds changecompletely.
Now I'm thinking about the Showa sound.
Japanese people say every sound clearly.
But native speakers say everything except the mainpart very weakly.
Even if you hear it, you can't understand it atall.
There are all the sounds that connect ordisappear.
Japanese and English are so different.
Honestly, I regret picking the wrong language.
I should have picked Indonesian or Spanish.
Because they are closer to Japanese.
People who listen to the show since last yearmight know.
宗教コミュニティでの記憶と自己探求
But when I used to go to religion meeting, I wenton trip too.
I couldn't put the pieces of those memoriestogether.
Some pieces were missing and some were too many.
I didn't think, but it's for a while.
But I started thinking about body again.
The reason is probably because I have nothing todo.
I've been thinking for over an hour.
I found out things I don't know before.
But I still can't finish the puzzle.
I wonder why I look so deeply into this.
It's really useless to think about.
Also, I saw a video today where a senior told ajunior not to use polite words.
人間関係の観察と過去の教訓
He said talked to me like a friend.
The junior wasn't used to use it.
So he struggled to talk that way.
It started to affect me too.
And my head got messy.
It has nothing to do with me.
But even if you talk like a friend, you still haveto be careful.
The senior looked like he was having a hard timetalking too.
I wondered why he made the junior do that.
It was really hard to watch.
Also, when I was in 10th grade,
English teachers looked at my test and said,
You are better at grammar than me.
It's okay to me to be humble.
But seeing a student is better at English is a bitoff.
I wonder what I should say.
It didn't make me happy.
It was a strange way to praise someone.
It was like an adult saying something that's notvery adult-like.
I wish they'd just been direct.
I'm recording at night.
時間の浪費と過去のフラッシュバック
During the day, I have to watch videos I have noidea with.
The past day, I've been watching videos for about10 years.
There's a reason it became like this.
I've struggled with passing time.
A teacher at a crime school said,
He plays games, but he's still passionate.
There are different stories, but I thought we weresimilar.
Then I wondered why he said he plays games.
Maybe he was playing games even when I was in theclassroom.
Also, I sometimes make mistakes.
I check everything in my routine to avoid smallerrors.
I check things to match them, too.
There, it's clearly not needed.
But today, I forgot about the heater.
I check things even when it's not needed.
Like checking the heater in summer when I don'tuse it.
But today, I forgot.
I don't know why.
Also, I remember something from over 20 years ago.
When I felt bad or frustrated.
For example, today, I remembered a time I askedbest friends to play,
which was rare for me.
He said maybe not today.
I started wondering if he had something else todo.
I felt ashamed it was 20 years ago,
but it feels like it's happening right now.
This is exactly what they call a flashback.
It's a classic one.
Even though it was over 20 years ago,
I feel ashamed and too hard.
It happened while I'm eating.
Let's go to the next story.
Let's go to the next story.
一人語りのポッドキャストの意味と孤独感
This show is just me talking,
and there are many shows like that.
On podcasts, you see them on radio,
stand-up FM, or voice-in,
but not much on podcasts.
I thought maybe there's no need for it.
But from what famous people say,
the need is there.
But talking alone, it's just very hard.
I don't think I have talent for it,
but I've kept going somehow.
I forgot to talk about this.
I wish I had one or two stories about doing well,
but I don't.
I have many stories about my struggles in the end.
I thought about that religion meeting trip again.
I don't know why I started thinking about it
when it's useless.
I feel like I'm wasting my time
when I have other things to do.
I wondered if this show had any meaning.
I wondered who would listen to me talking alone.
I'm thankful you're listening,
but maybe my taste is just different.
I knew before that there's a need for a quiet showof one person talking.
People all over the world seem to want that,
so I felt safe.
食事と健康への配慮
But dinner today, it was like shrimp with chilisauce,
but with chicken, onions, and spicy bean paste.
My mom said she bought 2kg of chicken breast.
She went shopping in the morning and found chickenbreast,
and some other cheap things.
I was happy because it was a day for me to changeclothes,
so she could go.
At times like that, when I'm lucky,
I either feel very uncomfortable,
or I think what's the point of things going well,
and feel empty.
Today was neither.
Also, I had pickles,
but even a little too much soy sauce makes meworry about salt,
so now I don't put anything on my tofu and lunch.
I used to put salt in the water when I boiledthings,too.
Today, we also had cabbage and fish.
I think it was...
It was good.
When I was in elementary school, we had that fish,too,
but it was different from what I thought.
So I had the wrong idea about the fish for 20years.
悪夢と生きることへの恐怖
I'm recording in the middle of the night about mydream.
A baseball player was in a fight.
He was being treated so badly.
The people were screaming.
I don't know what trauma this is.
But I have dreams like that,
and it makes me hate living.
You never know what will happen.
Living is scary.
宗教合宿の記憶の再構築と強迫観念
Then I thought I finally put the puzzle pieces ofthe religion trip together.
I thought the year I went to the bookstore
was the same year as the hotel,
but I missed the fact that it wasn't.
I'm looking into everything,
like where I ate and where the hotel was.
To fill the puzzle, I might have to start from thestart.
No, maybe I should stop thinking about it.
I'm recording in the morning.
I'm so impatient that when my mom woke up to go tothe toilet,
I told her to pause my show quickly,
see what's going back to sleep.
So she couldn't.
I've come this far.
I wanted to record the English episode in 30minutes.
My routine was messy from the start,
and I woke up early,
so it was hard also while I was sleeping.
I scratched a place I didn't want to scratch.
I was hard sleep,
so I wondered if I used my left hand or righthand.
I'm using my right hand now.
But did I use my left hand before?
I just washed my blanket the other day.
Because of this, I really wanted to avoid it.
I was trying hard to remember.
I think it's okay.
In the end, I was thinking about the trip duringthe religion meeting again.
In the middle of the night, I just can't acceptit.
Also, but the obsession is scary.
I've been mostly okay for over 10 years,
but I feel like the switch is like when you can'tsleep.
When you try to hard sleep, you can't,
but if you're tired, you can sleep, so that'sfine.
But once the obsession switch is on,
you remember it every day.
It's like depression.
As long as there's no moment, you're okay.
But if a moment happens, like if you're stressedor your depression is bad,
it might be dangerous.