日常の些細な出来事と思考の断片
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
It's morning now. I wanna talk about what I forgotto say last time since my brain gets stuck onthings.
I've been struggling to remember what the chickpeas taste like.
I put them in the grinder and ate them yesterday.
I think it was my first time doing that.
I've been having a hard time cause I'm trying toremember what the taste is like.
I talked with my mother about it too.
I'm going back to my diet today.
So I can't eat them again until tomorrow.
I don't know where I'll find the answer.
I thought they taste like corn or nut.
I also thought they taste like bread.
I haven't eaten bread in 10 years.
But I ate bread crumbs, so maybe it's that.
It's frustrating cause I know I've eaten thistaste recently.
Also since the soy sauce are changing.
I worry but without turn on the heater in themorning, it's very cold.
But my roots rarely eat nuts toweled in themorning.
I feel this way every year.
It was warm for a while.
So I haven't been as strict with myself as I was afew years ago.
I think I can be strict.
It's a bit strange.
I wonder if being strict is something you chooseto do.
Or if it just happens naturally.
I think the idea of not being able to be strict isweird.
Basically I'm frustrated by things that don'tmatter.
Anyway, as I said last time, I watched YouTube.
After that, I tried not to watch it and justthought about the show name.
Since I had nothing else to do.
I slept more than usual.
I slept for about 6 hours.
I usually only sleep for 4.
So it's a good amount.
But I feel like I wasted time.
I feel like I could have done something else likestudying this morning.
Using the words study is hard for me.
For over 10 years, I haven't tried to grow and getbetter.
I don't feel like I'm growing at all now either.
So I don't like using the word study.
I don't like studying English, but I have to doit.
共感と人間関係の複雑さ
So I have no choice.
I'm worrying about many things at the same timelately.
I won't be able to see Nogizaka videos in thefuture.
They'll probably lose their popularity anyway.
So maybe my interest will move to something else.
I don't even know why I want to watch them now.
I've decided to just be myself.
But I read an article about someone who took theirown life while I was looking into missing personcases.
The details were so clear that it made me feelvery down.
I understand how those people feel.
So I don't think my way of living is the rightanswer.
I don't think that's the right answer at all.
I'm just someone who's alive because I understandthem.
It makes me feel terrible.
It reminds me that I'm forcing myself to live.
This world is like a living hell.
I really understand the feeling of hating to live.
I feel the same way.
I think I understand that person's feeling toomuch.
I was talking to my mother this morning.
I get sick very easily.
I thought I'd probably get sick even on a bigship.
The reason I think so is that when I see someoneelse get car sick,I feel sick too.
I used to misunderstand this.
I thought I was just getting sick from watchingTV.
But I actually feel the same emotions and physicalfeelings as the person I'm watching.
That's why when I hear about someone whose lifebecame very hard,I feel the same way.
People are different.
Some people feel encouraged when they hear aboutothers who are having a hard time.
They feel like they aren't alone.
But for me,I just get sick from it.
Sometimes I see on bad articles online.
There was a girl in my class who was very quiet.
I felt like she was the same as me.
I felt like I could understand her.
It depends on the situation.
Also,something moved me lately.
One Nogizaka member praised another member.
She said she was cute at concerts and cute indaily life too.
Even I,who usually doesn't understand people'sfeelings,could tell she was shy.
She was acting like a boy who just got acompliment from a girl.
She couldn't stay still and kept touching herhair.
I can't tell what people do when they're shy.
Trying to hide their feelings while touching herhair.
She said she always thought the other girl wascool,so she was happy.
I could tell she was worried about occurring thegirl's cool.
But she just said it honestly.
She looked very happy.
It made me wonder what it's like.
A group of only women at all girls' schools.
There were no men there.
We're all human after all.
I'll talk about this too,even though it's hard totalk about.
I haven't talked about this before.
Women have sexual feelings too.
I won't say what exactly.
But I looked at different data out of simplecuriosity.
I think it's fine to be like that.
But seriously,humans shouldn't show those feelingsopenly.
I saw a comment on YouTube saying that.
Like saying,I don't eat anything.
It's exactly like that.
People should be free.
What I wanted to say is that when I get stuck onsomething.
It stays on my mind.
I really hate that.
Back to the story.
I think that all girls' school idol groups.
Especially during middle or high school.
When they aren't allowed to date.
They'll definitely start looking at other girls inthe group.
I was happy that these girls said it honestly.
I was moved because people don't usually say thatin the media.
There were rumors about some members being called.
But I don't know if they were true.
I have very strong interest in this for somereason.
Just so you know.
It seems common for girls in all girls' school tofall in love.
With or look up to each other.
It's not just looking up to.
But actual love does happen in all kinds ofschools.
A student from a top university said so.
This might be hard to understand.
But the person A said B is right.
And I said B is right.
Cut.
C is also right.
Many people will say no.
B is right.
So C must be wrong.
Do you understand?
I feel like people need to take responsibility forwhat they say.
I'm talking about myself here.
Not the other person.
I say something that's my own idea.
But some people think that's wrong for my ideawhat they are.
Too many people do that.
Do you know what I mean?
It's 3 p.m. now.
I was remembering a bad memory again today.
It was about a guy I played doubles with in myhigh school.
During a competition,he asked to borrow my glove.
I didn't want to lend it to him.
It was a glove I used in elementary school.
And I took good care of it.
He was the main person who gave me many badmemories.
I'm pretty sure he didn't return it properly.
He treated it badly.
He treated it badly.
I wonder if I should have said no nicely.
I should have said it was from elementary school,so I couldn't lend it.
But since it was him,I imagined him saying,
But I lent you my stuff before in my daydream.
I said to him,
Did you even hear what I just said?
You aren't receiving it all.
I wonder what's the right answer at.
Even if I look back at my memories from over 10years ago,
It's too late.
I can't change anything now.
That's what's frustrating.
But the most frustrating thing is that
I can't be sure I won't make more bad memories inthe future.
I wish I could find a way to stop that fromhappening.
But I haven't found a way yet.
自己認識とアイデンティティ
Also,once I decide on the show name,
I'll be bored.
I might try to create something.
Even though I have no talent,
I look for something I can do.
One moment,I feel like I can do it.
And next,I feel like I can't.
Each thing is hard.
I'm just frustrated.
I wish I could just give up or decide to do it.
When I was talking to my mother,
I told her that a certain member of Nogizakadefinitely looks at another member in a romanticway.
She just said,
No,for no reason.
We didn't talk for long.
But she's always stubborn and said,
No,for no reason.
It was the same today.
Also,I tried the chicken beans.
I put them in a grinder and it worked well.
I could eat them fine.
But as I thought,
Now I wanna try other beans,
like broad beans or red soybeans.
Before,I only ate soybeans grown in Japan.
But beans from other countries are good.
I wanna try more.
When I stopped following my own route,
I started worrying like this.
I bought 10 kilos of soybeans before.
Plus green and black soybeans.
And 5 kilos of chickpeas.
I bought enough for years.
I can't buy a new one.
So I'm frustrated.
I think I bought too many.
They were cheap,so that's good.
But it's hard.
I wanna try other,but I can't.
If I buy a small amount,
they are expensive.
I just realized something.
I don't think becoming a person who stays insideis a huge deal.
I think it's hard.
However,anyway,
There are differences between when I was a studentand now.
But I thought it could be explained simply byhaving a developmental disorder.
But lately,I've been thinking that staying insidefor 7 years is a big deal.
On the other hand,
I feel that the fact that my brain worksdifferently with a small thing,
But staying inside is just a result.
Even if I were out in society,things wouldn't gowell.
So maybe that's not the main problem.
Lately,I didn't think being off was a big deal.
But the idea of disorder is just annoying.
I'd rather think of myself as someone who can't beput into a category explained.
I don't wanna think that.
But it's the only way to explain it.
But I use words like unclassified,explainable formy show name.
Nobody knows what the show is about.
But the show name,I use Hikomori Date for a bit.
But I found that only a few Americans know thewords.
So I stopped.
I wanted to put the idea,but not creating meaninginto the title.
But America is a country that values positivethinking and growth.
I realize,so I use that.
It'll only reach a few people.
It'll only reach a few people already know that.
But it's a mistake.
But the things I talk about are very negative.
I should probably change the way people first seethat show.
I forgot to talk about this before.
But this is how I feel the season change,thetemperature.
But it's a small thing.
I don't feel it's small much either.
Basically,I feel when I see ads for Conan movies,
I didn't know Conan movies come out every yeararound the holiday in May.
But I see those ads and feel the season changing.
Also,time is moving faster and faster.
And that makes me feel sad every year.
I hate it when people brag about how hard theirlife is.
I was daydreaming about saying this to my father'sside.
The family,they say things like,
I'm happy I went to university.
Living at home wasn't fun.
They probably think I'm lucky because I'm Japansafe and I'm healthy.
They think I should be happy.
But that's just a dream.
Even during a way or when things are bad,
the amount of good and bad feelings in our bodiesis mostly the same.
I was daydreaming that.
But I realized the conflict with what I said.
But being happy at university,even if I know it'sconflict,
I'll still say it.
But I'll never say something that conflict toother people.
I know human's conflict,but I'd be ashamed forsomeone that I was saying two different things.
I have a lot of pride about that.
I also had a silly daydream today.
Someone at a softball game asked if I playedbaseball.
I said,play the title.
I thought maybe I should say four years.
But they played for 10 years I was daydreaming.
I forgot what else I wanted to talk about.
I can't remember.
There was an article about someone who tried toget into Tokyo University five times but failed.
They went to study abroad and realized they didn'tknow the world.
I also couldn't get what I wanted and felt regret.
But as time goes on,the distance from my past selfmakes me see things differently.
I don't think realize it was a small thing.
Thinking it was big or small was just something Imade up in my head.
It's just a dream.
It's not big or small for you to look at.
It's like an animal.
You'll understand a frog doesn't care for human'sfeelings or taste.
Only eating food matters to them.
That's the same for all animals.
Sometimes I feel strange when I talk to people.
Maybe it's because of language.
It's a small thing.
But we spend so much time talking.
We feel like it's big deal.
Humans were born 7 million years ago.
But we only got language 10 million years ago.
So language is a tiny thing for humans.
It's just one feature.
But people today care about it way too much.
I know that's what being human is.
But sometimes it makes me feel strange.
There's a famous composer from Hokkaido.
I saw his name everywhere before.
I checked wikipedia but he doesn't actually writesongs for outro I know.
It's like I was triggered by a ghost.
I can't just let it go.
So it's hard just to forget it.
I was checking about chickpeas.
I knew there's some sugar.
But I was surprised to see them as much as a bowlof rice.
I've been wrong before.
So I checked the amount for a bowl of beans too.
And that was ok.
If other beans have more sugar I'll be glad Ichoose chickpeas.
But chickpeas have more sugar than other beans.
There are two other kinds of beans from Americathat are cheap and taste good.
I wanna try them but I can't for a while.
I can just eat them all quickly.
I would keep eating those for a year.
I should check more carefully.
I just stuck with soybeans.
I tried black and green soybeans too.
I started to think they taste good lately.
I'm unlucky.
I thought the green ones smelled a bit bad.
But they taste good recently.
Same for the black ones but already.
But the others so I can't help it.
I had my mother look up beans yesterday.
But she looked sleepy.
I got angry yesterday.
I can't help it though.
I was thinking about two more things.
食と記憶、そして家族
I was thinking about what I can do for the showsetup.
But it's not going well.
But I thought chickpeas were good because they arecommon.
I gave up because they were expensive.
The found cheap ones from America.
That was rocky chickpeas.
The other two kinds are cheap.
But chickpeas weren't cheap.
There are those other two kinds.
I found those cheap beans from America exist.
So that's good.
I thought I was lucky.
But soon I felt bad again.
It's about things that don't matter.
Also about apps.
I'm bad at getting rid of things.
Once I start, I can't stop.
It never goes well.
If I delete an app, I often need it later.
Now I have to look for it again.
So I keep them.
But then I have too many.
I wonder if other people do this better.
About the show name, I want to make it differentby being Japanese or being outside society.
I want to hold on to those things.
But when I take those away, I start to see myself.
I feel like I understood who I am.
It feels like white gold.
It's strange.
But the show name doesn't change my life.
But the podcast is a big part of my mind.
It's a big deal.
It's strange.
The more I try to explain myself,
the further away I get from myself.
Being Japanese or observing things,
the more I explain, the more things I understandthat aren't really me.
It's better to take those away.
Since they don't know me to begin with.
To explain using things like being from Hokkaido
or being Japanese.
But maybe it's time to take those away.
It's like getting rid of things in my room.
I might get used to it after some time.
I wonder if there's meaning in doing that.
Also, when I listen to the radio,
I think it's meaningless.
But I've kept balance in that way.
If I look for meaning there,
it becomes a problem for me.
Because nothing in this world has meaning.
I just believe it has meaning.
I think things have meaning when they don't.
But I started what I'm doing because I believe it.
But maybe I won't find anything with more meaningthan that.
I'm just adding meaning in my head.
When that happened,
I think here it goes again.
I keep doing what I'm doing.
If I wanna quit something,
it's better to keep going.
When you try to change or get better,
sometimes it's better to just keep doing what you've been doing.
I'm recording at night.
During the meal today,
I felt sorry for my parents.
It's their fault too.
But my mother's been studying all day for over amonth,
and she looks tired.
The relationship in this family is very complex.
I said no to going to the hospital,
but I didn't look for a job,
and I didn't keep my promise.
I've been let down many times since I was a kid.
I'm angry,
but I'm angry that they put me in a religion anddid irresponsible things.
But usually we talk normally.
Sometimes they let me down.
But it's a complex relationship I heard.
Mother and son sing together today.
The song moved me.
Singers usually look into each other's eyes whenthey sing.
I thought they wouldn't do that because they'refamily,
but the mother took a quick look at her son.
That moved me.
But the food tempura today might be the best ever.
Sweet potato mixed vegetable and crab stick.
Maybe crab's temperature would be good to absorbour song,
great mochi and boiled food.
Radish,carrot and the sweet potato is the hotgood.
Also chicken I was always worried about.
What's all that?
I've been worrying about this for a long time,
where I leave my favorite things for the rest.
I can't change the taste,
but it's one why my mind goes to many places.
It's hard.
I remembered something today.
When I sang up for that group in Switzerland,
I thought I wouldn't be able to eat my mother'scooking for even one month.
I really felt it while I ate.
Maybe it hasn't passed since then,
but that month was hard.
I still can't forget it.
Also while eating,
I think this is the taste of onion.
While eating mixed tempura,
forget it's tempura,
I think it's hot fried food.
I lose focus,
can't focus on the taste.
The sweet potato tempura was good,
but I ate it rushed and lost focus.
Before I regret it for 20 minutes,
I'd stayed with my...
When I ate the next things,
I'd try to find a way to focus so that doesn'thappen.
It's only while I'm eating,
if I change my mood,
even a little,
my mind will definitely go there.
I lose focus.
I know living things are weak to change,
but I can't focus perfectly
if I change and lose focus,
it's bad.
But if I could focus perfectly,
that won't be scary.
I think I won't be able to focus again anyway.
So I can't focus even more.
I'd like to erase.
I talked about this before.
But when I change something,
I can't focus on the next bite.
Sometimes things just don't go well.
I think there are things humans can't control.
You can't control it with your mind,
so what you do next is important.
Do you let the failure stay with you
and feel the next thing too?
It's like sports.
過去の出来事と現在の感情
If you fail,
you might just give up.
Many people feel like that.
I'm recording in the morning.
I scratched that itchy place
four times last night.
Let me wash my hands.
I'm at summer.
I scratch while I'm sleeping,
and while I'm awake,
it doesn't happen.
During the way,
since I just woke up,
I can control myself.
I scratched.
I went to wash my hands,
but four times.
Also the blanket touched my mouth,
so that was hurt.
I heard footsteps inside the house.
It's creepy,
but when I went to the bathroom,
nobody was there.
I decided on the show name,
but I wanted to be perfect,
so it took time.
For the last few days,
I've been looking into
the missing person case all the time.
I've been checking even at night.
I want to get an answer so soon,
but I've been watching silly videos.
I was listening to the song from Raptor.
I wonder how people felt
they heard it many years.
I don't have a great itch for music,
and I'm not confident about it.
I don't know much about music,
but things that move me really move me.
If I heard this for the first time back then,
I'd have been very moved.
Also the song from Totoro,
I've heard it many times,
but when I listened to it on the street,
I was strangely moved.
I'm recording upstairs.
This is a daydream yesterday.
I couldn't enjoy the tempo well
when I try too hard to enjoy it.
I usually can't feel I can enjoy it.
I think this is different
and I lose focus.
I remember that it was just a daydream.
She said that I couldn't enjoy it.
I went deep into my daydream
and didn't enjoy it at all.
That happened sometimes.
I remember something and things.
Oh no,I shouldn't regret the same mistake.
Then I go even deeper into the daydream.
Next,I don't like people who do things easily
and well.
I just don't understand them.
Maybe it's because it's a strange sense of what'sright.
I don't think that's it.
I just can't accept it.
For example,an idol and a singer were on the sameshow.
I think they are just trying to make connections
and get fans.
That happened a lot.
But then that idol went to the singer's event.
I saw they were playing from the start.
So the idol group isn't as popular as before.
But they used a huge place for the connector
to go to other countries.
I feel ashamed when I see people acting big likethat.
I was talking about a connector that happenedrecently.
My mother asked,
When do you mean my recently was last year?
She gets the timeline mixed up in her head.
She said things from 10 years ago are recent.
But she pointed out my mistake.
It made me angry.
I worked very hard and finally decided on the showname.
I decided on the description too.
I made it short to say there are no reasons.
Maybe people seem to like that.
But it might be hard to know what the show isabout
if I just say no reason.
My show might be seen as observing society.
But it might also be seen as being sensitive.
Skins are being too sensitive.
I've been that for a while.
My show doesn't have a reason.
Because I was thrown away reason.
It's just nihilist.
I'm worried.
It's hard to start again after making the name.
So carefully I thought about making more.
But maybe just an English one is enough.
I've nothing else to do.
I wish I could make a special part of the show.
But I can't create things well.
I don't want to use SNS.
SNS comes and goes.
So I don't like them.
But it's interesting.
I used to not be confident in my Englishpronunciation.
So I tried to do something else to keep upbalance.
Now I'm trying to make my pronunciation good.
And I feel good about it.
I know it's been this.
But I still worry about the future.
Worrying about the future has no meaning.
Because things change away.
But I still do it.