00:01
I'm continuing to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
This morning, I woke up today and thought about agirl from my class more than 10 years ago.
Cuz she was in my dream. I wonder if I was stillannoyed and worried when I was in elementaryschool in first grade.
And girls asked me to work with her.
In second grade, I had a close girl friend too.
From third grade, school got hard and I stoppedgoing for a bit.
In fifth and sixth grade, I had a close girlfriend again.
She was popular in class and I even went to herhouse to play.
But while it was fun, I have a lot of badmemories.
And these bad memories are the only things Iremember.
That's why in high school, I was close with girlsin my club and my class.
And a girl even asked me out on a date, but I saidno for some reason.
She asked me a few times to go to karaoke withher.
Also, there was another girl in my class whotalked to me a lot, but I'll stop talking aboutthat now.
I'm gonna talk about Kabuki again, but I don'treally wanna talk about Kabuki itself.
I just wanna show you how my interests change andhow I get really into things for a while.
I was really moved by it.
One actor was from a famous family, but he wasfound because a kid was dancing in a lobby andsomeone saw him.
That person became a national treasure later.
03:01
I was moved by that story.
Also, I liked how the family worked together.
It felt familiar.
It's like a funeral.
After a funeral, the relatives all gather in a bigroom with the kid.
It's like a Kabuki actor all raise a kid together,and it felt like that.
Only the circus and Kabuki have that kind ofstrange world I'm interested in it.
Well, I'm probably a stranger person there who Iweren't interested in myself.
I couldn't talk about myself in a podcast likethis.
I know myself well.
Even if experts say people don't know themselves,I know myself well.
Just like Ichiro said, still there are many thingsI don't know about myself.
Probably because I'm more strange than otherpeople.
Also, there is a movie, but Kabuki, maybe manypeople from other countries are watching it now,which is strange.
I didn't start liking it.
Because the movie, this happened to me a lot.
I get interested in things right when they startgetting popular.
Usually, I lose interest if everyone else likesit.
But this time, it's just a coincidence.
I didn't even know the movie was about Kabuki.
It's happened a lot.
There are things I was thinking about becomepopular.
I'm not saying I'm good at seeing the future, butstrange things happen.
But people who tell fortune are religiousreligion.
Even YouTubers, they are good at reading the roomand they look things up a lot.
They check things before they talk, and I thinkthat's true.
But I don't believe in special power.
Saying someone has special power is like sayingsomeone has power like Doraemon.
The chance of that is zero.
Thinking about whether someone is like Doraemon orGoku is a waste of time.
There are no special power who you like online.
You can find out how they do everything likemaking gold powder come out of their hand.
06:02
It's all on the internet.
What was I saying?
Some people are born with ability degrees.
They act like they can heal people by puttingtheir hand over them.
I don't understand that.
But I think it's like a kind of trick tellingpeople what they believe.
Some people can just do that naturally.
Maybe I have a power to read what's going on inthe world.
Though I don't really want it.
After talking about that, a name for my show justcame to me today.
But before, I thought I had a great idea and itwas a big failure.
So I shouldn't trust it.
Sometimes I feel like someone is standing in myroom in the morning
or like an idea fell from the sky.
That's why I understand why people think there areghosts or think ideas come from higher places.
Even though I feel that's a waste of time.
I know it's not real.
I understand the feeling.
But I know it's just a mistake in my head.
The other day, all was flying in front of myhouse.
And it looked like a hat to me.
I thought firmly I'm seeing things.
It happens sometimes.
The chance of all looking like a hat is almostzero.
But that's how it is.
People see ghosts, but it's all just by chance.
A sound like a bell went off in my house once.
And even though I make sure my phone is silent.
It was just a glitch with a phone.
Or maybe I just heard something that wasn't there.
People called those things ghosts.
Also, something like a spirit trick happenedagain.
My mom said she bought fried chicken at SecondMart.
I thought Second Mart doesn't sell fried chickenlike other stores.
I thought they didn't sell it because they don'tsell oden.
But I made this mistake many times.
If Second Mart's chicken was that good, it wouldbe famous.
And I know she bought it yesterday for the firsttime.
09:03
And it's strange.
I didn't know.
But it's just a mistake.
I don't need movies or dreams.
Because my life is more interesting than a book.
I never get bored.
Going back to my high school.
I remember there were many beautiful girls.
But looking back, maybe that's not true.
Memories change.
I thought my school lunch was good and the teachersaid so too.
But the food in my area is definitely not good.
My memory is playing tricks on me.
I thought there were many beautiful girls in myhigh school.
I can guess why I think that because of somethingstrange that happens after I graduate.
It's strange how each school has its own style.
It's like how people pick idols.
I thought but what I'd do if I were picking idols.
I have a very specific interest.
So if I picked someone I liked.
In Japan, people don't like things that stand outtoo much.
They like things that are balanced.
I wonder if I've been too lazy for the past threeyears.
Because it's so strict with myself.
My podcast doesn't get many listeners.
And I feel worried.
But I can't really know how these past three yearswere.
While I was eating today, I noticed something.
When I'm really focused on eating.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't even feel like the food is good when youfocus on one thing.
The feeling of delicious goes away.
I don't think I'm tasting it in that moment.
Consciousness is like watching yourself.
You think your mind is making your taste things oract.
But the mind just notice what you did or feltafter it happened.
It feels like the mind makes the feeling.
But it just picked up the feeling.
You aren't tasting it at the exact moment younotice it.
Other animals probably just check if a food issafe to eat.
12:02
They don't taste things like humans do.
A special just swallows a fish in one second.
It doesn't taste it.
But that's fine.
The feeling of delicious comes later when youthink about the taste.
So if you just eat without thinking.
You won't taste anything.
People probably try not to focus too much whilethey eat so they can enjoy it.
My sense of taste is very weak.
So I focus too much and then lose focus.
I think about this when I study English.
English people say important parts very quicklyand lazily.
That's why it's hard for Japanese people to hear.
Japanese people say every part with the samerhythm and power.
They think doing everything with all your power isgood.
That's just the language and the brain work.
But it's not efficient.
But do people do such a waste of effort?
It's cause they think everything will work out ifthey just try the hardest.
They aren't religious.
But they believe things that aren't there.
It's far from reality.
Other people wonder why they do such uselessthings.
But Japanese people feel good about it.
They just don't know any better.
Even if they find out, they act like they didn't.
Are Japanese people hard-working and smart?
Not really.
When you look at the number of big brands,
Japanese are hard-working.
Japanese people like entertainment and things thatare just for fun.
They aren't that serious.
Japanese people listen to podcasts by experts.
Japanese people don't really listen to podcasts.
In America, growing as a person is important.
Do Japanese men go to the gym once a week?
Almost unknown.
Americans all work out.
They drink protein and it's normal.
I used to wonder why they spend so much time onit.
It makes you look better and it's healthy.
Americans just do it.
I wonder that Japanese people use their time for.
They aren't like people in Italy who just wannahave fun.
But they are strange and too serious.
They like the idea of things being simple and old.
But it's just not logical.
They get it all wrong.
15:01
But they can still run big events like theOlympics.
There are many things in the world.
I don't understand.
Some shops do things that might be against therules.
But I'm not sure.
Japan is safer and has better rules than othercountries.
But some things are still strange.
I don't get why things like pachinko are OK.
I've looked into it and understand.
But I still don't get it.
Yesterday I was annoyed.
Cause I slept during the day.
And missed the radio show.
I planned exactly which part to listen to later.
I was just annoyed.
It reminded me of a guy on a school trip who dripped his contact lens in a hot spring.
He kept looking for it even though he'd never findit.
I also thought about a guy in my high school club.
He never looked annoyed.
When he lost a game, even though he hated losing,
I wonder if he was just acting tough.
Or if he knew his route.
I keep thinking about it.
About my show name.
I've been thinking about my life after I left myreligion.
I look for what's right.
Which is like looking for something perfect.
I know nothing is perfect.
But I'm used to it.
If you look for perfection, you'll be let down.
My family is a world.
And I all let myself down.
Maybe that's what I'm talking about here.
I wonder if I'm stuck on meaning.
Things that had meaning were broken by thatmeaning.
Maybe that's what I'm talking about here.
I wonder if I'm stuck on meaning.
Things that had meaning were broken by thatmeaning.
If I threw away meaning, I feel thrown away.
I think meaning is at the center of everything.
I threw away meaning because I felt I couldn'tlive.
If I didn't, I couldn't keep living like that.
Or maybe my brain just can't have meaninganywhere.
I can't choose how to say it.
But I have to telephone.
18:02
They won't understand what this show is.
Is it strict?
That sounds like self-help too.
Is it about rules?
Or is it just daily habit?
I survived because of my daily habit, my habit.
All that's left.
Or maybe I'm using them to try to survive.
It's the same thing.
I'm not looking for a name religion.
Or a new goal like other people do.
Some people might start drinking too much.
Many people still believe in things.
I can't do that anymore.
Even when I was in the religion, I was tired ofmeaning.
Some people say they wanna live a simple life inthe country, but that's different.
I know humans don't really grow and life has nomeaning.
But cause I'm human, I still look for it.
I wanna think I'm growing.
I accept the truth, but I'm still dreaming.
I realized this after I felt the religion andheard a scientist talk.
Humans are just animals.
Life's only meaning is to leave your ideas behind.
I noticed this and it's sad.
I noticed it cause I felt that strange world.
Other people leave one religion and just look foranother.
Real things, they just wanna be saved.
I don't use it to be real cause I know nothing is.
An actor's wife died right after having a baby.
I imagined this.
He tried to spend as much time as he can with thekid.
The kid might want more freedom.
But the actor doesn't want the kid to think hislife is limited because of him.
Parent feelings are hard.
If I were a parent, I'd wanna be with my kid formyself too.
I think a lot, but small things I ask the mom.
What harasu is.
She said it's part of a salmon.
I said it's just a belly of any fish.
She looked at me like I was crazy and said it's aspecific kind of salmon.
But salmon is a salmon.
I was relaxed.
Even if I had a kid, I don't think I could be agood parent.
I don't have kids even if I get married.
21:03
I'm not a teacher, so there's nothing I can do.
But many people have kids without thinking aboutit.
That's how humans keep going.
It's interesting but also a bit sad.
On TV, they were making a lunch box for 20thanniversary.
Does that really matter?
They made 20...
Does that really matter?
They made 20 box, but does it make people happy?
It's just an excuse.
People do that.
Same with dance movies or art.
They explain why they did it, but you never knowif they didn't tell you.
People do the same with dance movies or art.
They explain why they did it, but you never knowif they didn't tell you.
Modern art and music are like that.
It's like a religion.
They explain a song by talking about light andshadows.
But that's just what they wanna see.
I'm not saying art is bad.
But that lunch box could be better if they didn'thave to follow the 20th rule.
They explain a song by talking about light andshadows.
But that's just what they wanna see.
I'm not saying art is bad.
But that lunch box could be better if they didn'thave to follow the 20th rule.
Rules can help you make things, but I don't knowif the work is actually better.
Maybe you just finish it faster.
I think you can make better things if you're free.
On the radio, I heard someone keeps a card intheir hallway to take out the truth.
I think it's faster to just scare it.
People, there are ways of doing things, and weshouldn't tell them what to do.
I don't want people to tell me what to do.
But they always do.
Half of Japanese women aren't interested in sex,according to some data.
I don't believe it.
If sex is a basic need, then half of the womenaren't ready living.
We should stop saying it's a basic need,
or needing to go to the bathroom, eat, and sleepshould be the three basic needs.
24:06
I don't get tired of tofu.
I get tired of soybeans, even though I eat themevery day.
I eat a lot of tofu every day, but I'm not bored.
Things that give you too much pleasure make youbored.
Fresh milk in Hokkaido is great for one sip, butthe second sip is just OK.
I love ramen, but after I ate it once, I felt likeI never needed it again.
Foods that are good until the very end usuallyhave too much salt.
So things that are too good are easy to get boredof.
Of course, bad food doesn't last either.
A friend asked me to go to prep school with him.
He was my best friend, so I said yes right away.
I keep thinking about the past life, like I'mliving it again.
I'm not just regretting it.
It feels like I'm there, but it's just in my head.
I think time flows from the future to now, so in away, you can change the past.
But maybe you can't, because time only goes oneway.
You can move around in a school train, but you can't get off the train.
It's like that.
People say you can't change the past, but you canchange the future to now.
So in a way, you can change the past, but maybeyou can't, because time only goes one way.
You can move around in a train, but you can't getoff the train.
It's like that.
People say you can't change the past, but you canchange the future.
If my idea is right, that's wrong.
You can't speed up the future.
It's going to happen.
The idea that the future will come, but the pastis a common mistake.
If time flows, it's going to happen.
The idea that the future will come, but the pastis a common mistake.
If time flows from the future to the past, it'sjust going to happen no matter what you do.
You think you can change it, and that's fine.
But in the end, you can't change the futureeither.
It's just how we see time in the religion.
27:01
They think God has already decided everything that's happening.
Japanese people think their actions change thefuture.
It's just their way of seeing things.
I'm OK when I'm in a pinch.
I don't just see things in a good way.
Things actually work out when they're really bad.
My old religion said there's always a way out, butthere is no way.
Humans just make a way or act like there isn'tone.
If you eat and go to the bathroom, you are living.
If you don't, you are not.
That's it.
But if you borrow money from bad people, your lifemight be over.
If a fortune teller said there's always a way youfeel safe, that always might change how you act.
So that's good.
But even if you think it's over, you usuallyforget after a night of sleep.
You just do what you always do.
Eat, go to work or school, talk to people even ifyou think there's no way out.
You still go to school.
Maybe you go to a game center for a bit first.
But that's about it.
My parents act strange when I even look at them.
My mom got mad when I asked her to do somethingright when she sat down.
She said I was being mean.
Now I feel like I can't do anything.
Being hungry for something is hard and regrettingthings is hard too.
But when everything is fine, you don't feelanything.
When you are upset and feel like you have to dosomething, maybe that's kind of happiness.
But you don't really notice it when you are in it.
I hate when people say you should be happy becauseyou have everything you need.
I looked up many things today.
Kabuki practice one.
Anime companies lose money.
A school for criminals and a famous shop.
I spend a lot of time looking things up, whichmight be a waste of time.
I'm looking up how Kabuki actors' wives live.
I saw a dad taking his kids to work and wonderedif he'd look like a mom too.
Anime companies lose money because they don't doit for the money.
30:04
TP people must get better workers.
Us rich get a lot of money and work hard.
Why don't anime workers get paid more if theirwork is popular all over the world?
I don't get it.
I heard about a guy who said mean things to hiswife.
I said mean things to my parent few years ago too.
Every family has its own problem.
But once you do something but no one willunderstand thinking about it makes me sad.
I saw a video of two kids arguing about whetherthey went somewhere.
My parent and I are like that.
But my parent just get angry or change the story.
My child talk in a way that solves things but theyjust wanna throw their feelings at me.
Men are logical and women care about feelings.
People say but parent aren't either of those.
I saw a show about people from Hokkaido.
One guy said he is Hokkaido fan and go there alot.
I'm jealous.
People have things they are really into.
If I get into something I become too much of aperfectionist.
I know this.
Cuz my past.
It's night now.
When I hear a noise from my parent room while I'meating.
I wonder if I did something wrong.
It's a holiday.
But they have to leave the house.
Cuz I'm here.
Maybe they are in a bad mood.
They used to say they were busy with work.
But they were just spending time at their religionplace.
There was a shock.
I had a friend who said things he didn't need tosay.
When I got into high school he said he got into.
So why are you telling me?
He was just a sober person.
Some people just have to say.
Something means.
Some people with brain type like mine say.
Whatever.
They think.
What if.
They were mean.
They would say mean things.
For dinner I had pasta like penne.
33:05
With tuna and mayo.
There was boiled eggs too.
But it had no taste.
I thought it was rumor shop.
But I think we made it.
The potato was also the best I've had in years.
I had fish too.
I couldn't focus on the meal.
The fish was good.
And I like seaweed too.
But I ate it too fast without tasting it.
Cold weather in winter makes me feel bad.
But working out doesn't.
Even though they both feel bad.
Maybe it's because I'm focusing when I work out.
I shouldn't think too much about being in pain.
Some people give advice.
But it doesn't work.
When things change even a little bit.
I see that a lot.
When the situation changes advice is useless.
I see that in English study too.
Sometimes I finally get something I want.
But then I do something similar right before.
And it ruins it.
Like if you finally get a sweet treat you wanted.
You shouldn't eat other sweets that way.
But for some reason I try to practice or get usedto it.
And it's not special anymore.
That's all.
