00:00
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
It seems that someone living behind my house cameback.
He was revving his car engine.
It was so loud, very gross.
I feel sick. I think he'll be here for about 4days.
It seems like he hasn't been back in a long time.
Also, I felt really bad all afternoon.
Through bigger calls, I decided to quit Instagramand TikTok.
I was gonna change the cover art for everyepisode.
But I stopped that too.
I thought about it all morning.
I thought I could use my old art for Instagramads, but I failed to download them.
I failed to move them.
Since I failed, I thought this was a good chanceto get quit Instagram and stop making cover artabout AI.
I used to think it was cool to master one thing.
But now I think it's a waste if I don't use thetools we have.
I think the whole world is moving downwards.
People will realize there's a limit to what humanscan do.
I feel it was a waste because I finally learnedhow to make cover art and could make many things.
But for the last month, I've been in hell of notbeing able to decide on the art.
So I'll take this chance to quit.
I also found out that changing the art for everyepisode makes things heavy.
03:03
But actually, the note loaded every single time.
So it wasn't a problem.
Usually, if you know there's no problem, you feelconfident and keep going.
So quitting now feels like a waste.
I picked a new cover art and it was done in aninstant.
For the last month, I've been making and throwingaway so many designs.
I'd pick one and then scrap it.
I did that over and over.
But this time, it was done in a second.
The note that I found a great one.
The just that I know I'll get stuck if I worry toomuch.
I'm not exactly compromising.
But I don't have an eye for art.
So I can't judge what's good or bad.
But when I start, I see bad parts and get greedyand keep working.
The one I picked wasn't something I'd spend amonth on.
I just picked it quickly.
It's a strange feeling.
And it's been 4 months.
I think some of the ones I thought about formonths might be better.
But I'm frustrated that I picked one with almostno effort.
I'm tired.
So it's a good time to quit cover art and thingslike that.
Later, I'll realize making all those designs was awaste of time.
But there's nothing else I can do.
I used to record podcasts and work out.
I need to be constant even if I just do art everytime.
After thinking about it,
I thought about just using text.
It's a bad habit of mine.
Even though I have zero talent for art,
I once thought about becoming an illustrator.
06:01
Because you can work from home.
Back then, I thought about using just a pen withno cards.
I'm doing the same extreme things now.
But unlike back then, I can make things on myphone.
So it's very frustrating.
It's hard to keep up with the time.
I'm a bit lost.
It's not about following my own path or followingothers.
It's just this era.
Five years ago, around the time of COVID,
I thought a huge change for humans was coming.
I was right.
I didn't think starting a podcast would make mesuffer this much.
The cause of human greed.
We always want more.
But without greed,
I couldn't even do this show.
I think people work because of greed.
They want to feel good or be noticed.
Not just for money.
I don't have art talent.
But this could be a place to show who I am withoutwords.
But I'm not an artist.
So maybe I don't even need to show myself.
Also, it might be better not to change the artevery time.
Then I just have to let go of my obsession.
I know I could use the time for other things.
But it's better to stop now.
After I finally got some speed,
I used to feel jealous of people and others whochanged their art every time.
And now I can finally do it, too.
Apple Podcasts show episode images now, too.
It's frustrating.
This timing is when I'm quitting.
It would be great if I could just start now.
X is the same.
After I worried and quit for years,
Twitter changed to X to write when I was ready togo back.
09:05
Many people left them, too.
Why now?
I should quit earlier.
Why quit then?
I'd be lucky.
Cause I've done it this long.
I'm unlucky.
It's worked out right when it shouldn't have.
I don't wanna just make music or just make art.
I wanna do both.
But I can't.
Next, for episode titles,
I made a note of the main ideas I wrote down,
thanks to the growth of people's interest.
I wanna use those.
I feel like I should just use all the show names Imade
when I'm doing this much.
I wish I had recorded in Spanish.
There are many types of listeners,
and I wish I had picked a specific target.
I worried about that, too.
I thought about starting over and picking a target
to help me give up all the ideas.
But I didn't.
My show is unique.
It's hard to know who to target,
and I can't do much with just text for art.
Next, there's an idol from Nogizaka.
I have a connection to some idols
rarely never betray their fans.
Some do, but she doesn't.
Once, she said she was buying a house
for her parents.
It felt like she was showing off.
And I didn't like it,
but she didn't betray us.
There was a reason,
and when I found out,
I felt safe.
There were rumors about her in a magazine, too,
but they weren't true.
She never did anything to betray her fans.
Seeing people like her makes me feel like
I can write in my life or on this podcast,
not just writing with words,
but writing in the way I live.
I must not do that.
12:00
Next, I had nothing to do this afternoon
since the show name was set,
but my worries don't go away.
I've been thinking about it since yesterday.
It's my worst habit,
thinking too much about one thing.
It's bad for the mind and body.
Today, I remembered a trauma,
but an English teacher,
that teacher wasn't there.
I might not have become a hikikomori.
That person had a huge bad effect on me,
but I don't want to think it's because of them.
I want to get back at them.
But then I couldn't stay in the outside world.
Life is hard.
I can't even see them,
so I can't get back at them anyway.
Really, I've been thinking
that my neighbors might know I'm a hikikomori.
I only realized today
that I've been thinking about that a lot.
Today, I got up the courage
not to change the cover art.
I told my mom that I'm quitting Instagram too.
I deleted the things I downloaded.
It's the courage.
On a podcast site,
I saw my listeners' numbers were high sometimes.
I thought about making a theme that I want.
I thought about products of efficiency
to make a new show for that.
But it's not worth it.
Most people want help from an expert.
I saw someone who blogged about their Englishlearning process,
and people read it.
I thought about talking about the process ofstarting something,
but I don't think anyone is doing that.
I couldn't find anything.
Sometimes I learn a way to do things in 10% of thetime,
but humans hate empty time.
I think all I can work out now.
15:00
I don't use that time for fun.
I work out or do other things,
and it takes more time than before.
I use the time for useless things,
but I feel I must do something with empty time.
I think this happens to anyone with a hobby.
If you save time and start a new hobby,
you might lose time for reading.
I think this happens to me a lot.
That strange product, it feels bad,
but it can be helped.
The night now, before dinner,
the sink was broken and water was dripping.
It made a noise.
My mom or dad got to close that tap.
I try not to let it drip,
but it happens there.
It's rare.
But today my mom or dad wouldn't go.
I thought it was bad luck.
Before, when I was a student,
I never relied on my parents,
but since I got depression,
I rely on them a lot.
I feel sorry for making them go well,
then eating.
I say bad things, but feel sorry too.
Why does this happen at time like this?
Next, I respect Kenji Furuya.
He cheated once and said sorry to his wife,
but 10 years later,
he was clearly cheating again.
Everyone knew.
They divorced.
I think that's bad.
Also, an idol from Nogizaka and her husbanddivorced,
even though she's so beautiful.
Most people around me divorced because ofcheating.
I think the system of marriage is weird.
It's not just in Japan.
It's everywhere.
Most groups only have one husband and one wife.
I haven't heard of many others.
There's no real conclusion here.
My show name is set.
But I wonder why I should pick a name for experts
that use my story for research.
I think of extreme things.
18:03
I don't know who my target is for dinner.
We had chicken katsu.
We have that more than pork katsu,
because it's cheap.
We had cabbage kimchi and the pork dish fromyesterday.
But the case in Kyoto,
I've seen missing person case,
but never something like this.
Reality is stranger than stories.
The result was just what everyone thought.
So, I don't know how to feel.
Today, I had a question.
When a crime happens,
people look into the past a lot.
It's not like the past.
So, it doesn't matter.
It's normal to look,
but it's strange.
It's the past.
Humans say the past can't change.
But if the way we see the past changes,
our actions change, too.
That's strange,
but that's how humans are.
The past is gone,
so it should be whatever.
But the way we see the past changes our future.
If people don't look into this case,
you can say it's the past.
So, don't blame them.
How we see the past is very important.
I'm recording in the middle of the night,
during dinner and daily life.
There's no change in my actions.
I check things.
The trait of mine,
I try to check rest over years.
Sometimes, I don't know who I should check.
I decide not to check for sudden actions,
but the need to check never goes away.
The human nature,
21:00
human change,
so we always think about it.
But if I check even little,
the same as before,
I'm already checking.
It just happened.
I put my phone on the bed and thought,
Wait, did I need to check that?
I think I shouldn't,
but I also think I shouldn't be careless.
These two feelings fight,
but they're the same as always.
I've been doing this for years.
I've been doing this for years.
So I'll just finish it.
Next, I always say life has no meaning.
I'm not trying to make people sad.
I wanna say you can live strongly without help.
But since I'm explaining it,
that becomes a kind of help.
It's hard to explain.
Simply help is just a short-term thing.
And you can live more strongly.
That's why I say these things.
I worried about how to say this in the shonen.
It's not just being dark.
I'm not trying to teach people or help theirmental health.
It's not just a life philosophy.
It's something I know,
cause I quit religion.
People who quit religion usually need help
cause their heart have trauma.
I'm very different.
But if I wasn't in a religion,
I wouldn't think this way.
I wouldn't think life has no meaning.
Since I quit, I'm sure life has no meaning.
I never breath empty or lost
when I quit from that moment.
I lived more strongly.
Next,people talk about kids having a future.
They say it's even if there's no crime,
kids have a future.
But saying adults don't have much of a future istoo sad.
Adults have a future too.
It's just a way of speaking.
But it makes adults,
rest of future-zone kids,
it's strange.
It sounds like a dark thing to say.
But people don't mean it in that way.
It's a low-level thing to say.
But people don't realize it.
I know what they wanna say.
24:03
But you only say that few compare kids and adults.
Doesn't anyone say adults have a future too?
When a big problem happens,
news shows every detail.
I wonder what the point is.
This show details about who got married ordivorced.
I think the useless NHK doesn't do that.
For crimes,NHK might do it.
But I think it's just for people who like towatch.
Unless we learn a lesson,
the useless someone died.
But they used it for people's interest to get moreviewers.
I'm not attacking them.
But it feels strange.
They're enjoying it.
It's reality,
not a story.
There's a popular song on TV.
They said it's great cause the lyrics say
you protect instead of I protect you.
Do you think a song is great just because of that?
It's like a book.
You can't say it's great just because of one line.
And it's music.
You're great just because of one line.
And it's music.
You're...
I had nothing to do with the music.
It shouldn't matter.
That's why it's popular.
It's weird.
People don't wanna listen to music then.
I have to attack these ideas.
I'm recording at 2am.
I forgot to talk about one thing.
It's interesting.
When you do something hard for the first time,
you don't feel that hard.
But when it becomes a habit,
you think the hard time is starting when that timecomes.
27:00
So it feels hard.
But when you're doing it,
you're focused.
So it's not that hard.
Time passed first.
Even when doing hard things,
thinking the hard is just an idea.
It's all memories.
It's not that you have hard things while doing it.
You see your memory and think the hard.
Most people are wrong about this.
That means we can make hard things feel not hard.
It might not be easy.
But it's possible.
But you don't need to keep doing it.
You can just stop.
Next,my blanket often touched my mouth lately.
I remember why.
I changed the cover.
I used this cover 10 years ago.
Back then,it touched my mouth a lot too.
I thought it was okay lately.
But it was just me.
Thanks to the other cover,
I was shocked.
Next,I always think about how to get morelisteners.
But if I only want numbers,
I could just talk about Japanese culture ortalent.
I don't need to do that now.
So do I really need to focus on numbers?
I was watching a video
and thought that humans are full of mixedfeelings.
