00:00
The phone's battery stopped at 97% for no clearreason. It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant tobe recorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
I talk about today first. I talk with my mom aboutthe podcast in this morning.
There was a bug with Spotify, so I asked her ifshe noticed when a show isn't posted.
She didn't say yes or no right before that.
She told me she always checked the notes it's inthere.
But when I asked her right after that,
She didn't say anything.
It's weird that what she said changed in 10seconds.
Her pronunciation after that was so wrong.
I just wanted to say yes or no.
But she stored it in a useless trackpad.
How did she find it?
It isn't posted today.
I was asking if she's been checking it properlyuntil now.
She didn't give me a good answer.
It turned out she actually does check it.
She could've just said, I don't know.
It's not posted.
That one sentence would've been enough.
But it took more than 3 minutes at first when Iasked if things were okay.
She confidently said she can tell if a postfailed.
But when I asked if she checked everything asingle time,
She asked if that wasn't right.
I asked if she doesn't check every time
Her story kept changing.
It made me feel worried.
She asked me to wait while she explained.
It turned out everything was fine.
She can check it.
I wish she'd just said that from the start.
03:03
Also she said the show was on listen this morning.
But it was actually on Spotify.
She definitely said listen.
I asked her many times but she kept saying Spotifyis.
In this case, it's almost always wrong.
I never make that mistake.
I keep telling her that her memory goes bad.
So she shouldn't be so confident.
I'm a strange trait.
I'm a strange trait.
Usually hard things feel worse than easy things.
But lately I'm doing very hard with study Englishpronunciation.
Do much more work than before.
But I feel no stress.
Maybe it's cause I'm having fun.
But it's a very annoying method.
Still it doesn't feel bad at all.
I used to hate it.
But sometimes this happens.
Things that others find hard are fine for me.
I don't wanna talk like this.
But I just told you two things.
One is that I don't find hard things annoying.
The other is that I like them.
I compare a few things.
Hard things actually give me less stress.
Some people talk like this all the time.
I hate that way of talking.
You don't know what the point is.
Next it's turned out.
Listen what's wrong.
But I thought about recording the English partthis morning.
Many things happen by chance.
I don't need the bathroom yet.
I woke up early.
If I recorded the podcast quickly.
I could turn on the heater.
Which the good cause it's cold.
My dad went to the bathroom early.
So I could get up early too.
But I realized too late that I could record early.
If I'd done it.
I would have more time to talk with my mom later.
I had things I wanted to say.
06:01
I felt so frustrated.
But that feeling was unrest since I couldn'trecord anyway.
Next I heard a story about a company that had tohire someone.
They gave that person a job that had no meaning atall.
It was good for their company.
And the person got money.
So even though it was a waste.
It worked for us.
I thought about my English now.
English show.
In this AI age.
I wonder if there's any point in me talking andpracticing pronunciation.
I feel worried about the future if studyingEnglish matters.
I've thought this many times.
But I keep going.
The reason is that it's a way to kill time.
I wanna keep doing English.
So I do.
There are benefits like that.
It's fine even if AI gets better.
But I often thought I should quit.
My talking has no meaning.
I'm a realist.
Maybe I'm not.
I don't look for meaning in life.
I don't try to make one.
It's not that I think there's no meaning.
I don't even have the idea of meaning to blamewith.
It's like the idea of nothing in Buddhism.
But in daily life.
I feel meaning as a living thing.
That's different from human meaning.
There's a conflict there.
The human mind has many layers.
The surface and the deep part are different.
So it's okay.
People think they are the same person forever.
But the second goal is different from the me now.
So it doesn't really exist.
It's okay.
If my thoughts change every five minutes.
Of course you can do that in the world.
You can't say.
The me who five minutes go bored.
The money.
Not me.
But from my own thoughts.
09:00
I think it's okay to change.
Today I talked with my mom about a Nogizakamember.
She's smart and goes to Rikyo University.
She's good at sports and ice skating.
She's from Shonan.
And her parents are rich.
We wondered who she really is.
She's popular too.
I'd already decided to talk to my mom about thestory of the event in Tokyo.
Different type of beings and telling not to lookthings up too much.
I talk about many things every morning whileforgetting some.
There aren't big stories after talking.
I always check what we said.
I might say something important.
I'm so nervous that I can't focus on the talkwhile think about it.
So I decided to think about it later.
I also talk about the podcast baseball becausethere's nothing else.
We talk about the weather too.
I don't understand people who talk about theweather at the start of the radio show.
Most listeners aren't in your area.
People in the Tokyo area talk about clouds andheat.
But people outside that area are listening too.
I know small talk is important.
But I don't wanna hear it.
I skip those parts.
I don't fit in with Japanese culture.
My hobbies are different.
I don't fit in.
When I was a kid, I don't fit in as an adult.
Some people like anime and find friends that way.
I don't fit in with anyone.
I don't even fit in with my mom.
Who's the closest person to me.
The only person I'd fit in with is a ghost of a 5-year-old girl in the corner of the room.
12:02
That's a joke, of course.
I told my mom I used to talk to the wall when Iwas little.
But I don't talk to adults.
I saw a celebrity who had a doll and things aboutits feelings and age.
I thought that was fun.
Human feelings aren't just inside the mind.
They are inside the relationship with each adultperson.
If you think there's a mind there, a relationshipstarts inside you.
In the relationship, you can't define yourself.
You're just a father of someone living in Hokkaido.
You're just trying to explain yourself.
But there's no me.
You're just things that's happening.
I was happy to learn that.
Today, I want to talk about many things.
First, we talk about beans and cake.
My mom said there are mochi stores.
I asked if there are special mochi stores, shesaid.
So, no, there's no such thing.
But she was the one who said it.
I thought it sounded fun.
But then she took it back.
This has happened over 100 times.
She said something.
I get interested.
And then she acted like she never said it.
She thinks I'm trying to teach her in a lie.
But I'm just interested.
She forgets what she said right away and says noas a reflex.
That's strange cause she made me think thosestores exist.
She doesn't take responsibility for what she said.
There actually are special mochi stores.
She probably imaged something huge and then saidthey don't exist.
She lives in her own world.
I thought about telling her to stop.
But it's no use.
Today, I listened to a radio show by a celebrityin Hokkaido.
I fell asleep and felt frustrated.
But then I wondered if I really need to supportthem just cause we're in the same place.
15:00
I know that's just how I am.
I kept listening anyway.
But Nogizaka, I don't think I'll keep supportingthem after I leave this house.
I probably won't even watch videos in the future.
Usually, I don't do things now.
I want to do them in the future.
But for some reason, I still support them.
It's not confident.
It will feel bad.
Today, I talked with my mom.
But the supermarket she said is not crowded around3pm.
I asked her if it's more crowded in the evening.
And she said yes.
I said it's bad that the food is gone when it'scrowded.
Then she said it's not crowded at that time.
That's 3 different spots.
It's not crowded at 3 and it's crowded later.
The food should be there until it gets crowded.
But when I said that, she changed her mind again.
It took 2 and a half minutes to find out it'scrowded in the evening.
It was terrible.
I knew this being weird.
But we couldn't reach the goal.
I had a daydream about going back to school.
I'd use my brain for studying.
But that's tiring.
I wonder if I should do other smart things.
A smart student tried to win a math contest.
In my daydream, I said the human brain is like awarehouse.
It has a limit, so you shouldn't waste spendingextra knowledge.
My school was very smart.
But most boys just did sports.
They didn't know about love.
My dad played a board game.
But I think it's a waste of brain power to do thatand study.
Students don't think that deeply.
They should just do what they like.
But as you get older, your memory has a limit.
Most people don't think that much about theirhabits.
18:03
Some people think using your brain makes yousmarter.
I've been thinking about the show name for over amonth.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, which I havea few ideas.
It's okay, but sometimes I feel that there'snothing more I can do.
It's a total despair.
Lately, I go upstairs earlier in the afternoon.
My dad comes home early to go to work.
Sometimes I go up, and he comes home right away.
If I had gone up earlier, he might have come homeearlier, too.
I feel unlucky.
When I say I'm unlucky, it's not like a coin tosswhere the toilet keeps coming up.
That's just what happens.
I think everything is decided by luck, like acoin.
But luck doesn't really exist.
It's just a mistake.
How we see things, if the toilet comes up, 30minutes, it feels like something's going on.
Police think that too many coincidences happen.
To crime two or three is okay, but five meanssomething's wrong.
Most people turn to magic when coincidenceshappen.
But in important times, they are realistic.
They should accept that a coin can land on thetoilet ten times.
I think I'm unlucky, but I don't believe in magic.
It's hard to define this show.
For the name, I'm throwing away meaning.
It's not just a reason for fun.
But how gross stories are just dreams.
They're fake.
I say this all the time.
I'm not saying the show has no meaning.
I'm saying I don't force a fake happy ending.
The human mind is made of meaning.
21:00
Words have meaning.
So we can talk.
It's hard to explain.
No meaning using words that have meaning.
Also, I notice there are lies in the world.
I don't wanna notice them.
But I do talk about them.
I'm not trying to attack society.
I just don't fit it.
My show is just a meeting where I don't even tryto attack things.
I'm worried about the show name.
The music might make the text fail.
Speech fail.
I'm worried about the show structure, too.
For over 10 years, I've spent time on things thatmight be a waste.
I do things too hard.
So I must master useless things.
I've watched idol shows for years.
I know a lot about idols.
But I don't talk to anyone about it.
I'm not a pro.
They say it takes 1 million hours to mastersomething.
I failed at being a pro when I was a student.
So now I do many things.
But I can't change anything.
So I just master useless things.
The most useless things I mastered was stayinginside.
I'm a pro at that.
But I can't do anything with that skill.
Mastering things is fun.
But even if I master staying inside, I'll have toleave one day.
My days just loops.
I have many ideas for the show.
Like talking to an AI.
I've many times, but I can't make them happen.
My ideas often become popular later.
It's frustrating.
I've mastered staying inside.
Philosophy and thinking about my disorders.
But disorder is a hard word to explain.
I don't wanna make a show just about that.
But record a daily life with a disorder.
It could be a show.
I don't have the courage to try a new field.
24:00
People who quit religion need mental care.
There's trauma.
I have it too.
I need to record.
When I quit, my strange anxiety went away.
I used to think someone was on my car or in myroom.
That's why I say, let's live without dreams.
I'm a nihilist, but I'm also very strict withmyself.
No lesson, no help.
The same to me.
They are both dreams, but they feel different.
No help means I don't want a fake fix.
Lessons are okay, but help is a space to hide.
So I say no lesson, no help.
It sounds strange.
I'm recording at night.
Every year when I was a student,
I went to Tokyo for a meeting.
I'd see my grandmother.
I was shy.
But I wish I'd talk to her more.
I wish I'd visit her more.
But she's gone now.
In my high school class,
there were almost no couples.
There was a girl I talked to only.
My mom knew her family.
She was just a friend.
But she liked me.
She was a short girl.
I didn't care about that.
But other students thought we were together.
I hate that.
I've bad memories of hurting people withoutmeaning to.
I also made people feel sorry for me.
That's trauma for me.
Everyone has things like that.
But the human have imagination.
If you worry about hurting someone,
that worry might actually hurt them.
I think that's too much.
Just how I made,
today's dinner was same as yesterday.
Mushroom, cream croquette and tempura,
sweet potato, onion.
It's been three days.
We had radish pickles too.
They were good.
But I can't remember the taste.
27:00
My focus just goes away in a second.