00:27
I'm recording this in the morning, yesterday.
I had a dream. It wasn't after I woke up, butwhile I was in the dream, I realized it was adream. I felt it right then. I just knew it.
Some thinkers say this word is a dream, too. And Iused to think there were being three. But when yousay it's a dream, I don't know the exact meaning.
And we usually think of dreams as things we seewhile sleeping compared to real life. So callingit a dream might be a bit different, but while Iwas sleeping, I thought this word could really belike a dream.
When I say it's a dream, it sounds like there'sanother word out there. But that's not what Imean. Buddha said this word is not real. And Istill don't get what that means.
I don't think I can understand it just bythinking. But I knew it for sure while I wasdreaming. In real life, when we're awake, we thinkthis word is really there. But that's just howhumans see it.
So our heads are making this word. People mightsay that's not true and this word is really there.But I'm not talking about whether it exists ornot. It's so hard to explain.
Simply I thought we're all just getting thingswrong. I started talking about deep things all ofa sudden. Related to that, living things arebasically in a sleeping state at first. We thinkbeing awake is a normal state and sleeping is justtaking a break.
But maybe being awake is special and the sleepingstate we think is actually the normal state. ThenI wonder what we're looking at now.
03:15
At least I can say that we think being alive isspecial. We feel like life is hard, but we feellike it doesn't matter after hearing this.
I hope people feel it's silly to worry, but lifebeing hard, being alive itself is a big deal andthere's no meaning, by the way.
Yesterday I couldn't understand why all-you-can-eat places exist, so I looked for a ranking of whatpeople like to eat, but I couldn't find one.
But I remembered seeing a big eater on YouTubegoing to all-you-can-eat shops for cake, bread, orsushi, and I was talking to my mom about it.
She said she's been to all-you-can-eat cake shopsand still couldn't get it. There aren't manyplaces that don't have a time limit if it's aboutfeeling happy.
I don't get why all-you-can-eat makes peoplehappy. For example, at a cake shop you can onlyeat two or three cakes, maybe three you can justbuy sweet at the store, and that's definitelycheaper.
If you want to eat many kinds, even at a cakeshop, it's better to eat them over a few days. Oneday is too much.
At a normal place, you eat curry and ramen. Nobodynormally wants to do that. You don't want currywhen you're eating ramen.
Also, I was thinking today. I often think aboutthings without knowing it. Yesterday, a famousperson cried because they couldn't say somethinggood, and I thought about what I'd do.
There was a famous person whose room was messy andthey finally cleaned it. I think about things likethat. I often wonder what I would have said if Iwere a leader in high school, or how I would havetalked to the girls, or who I would have madethings for.
06:20
I think about these things even when I'm doingsomething else. It has no meaning, but I do it. IfI see a great famous person, I think about what tosay to tell people how great they are, even if Idon't actually tell anyone.
If I see a good part in a video, I keep saying it.My head over and over is more like a part. I'mcurious, but I remember it many times. It's tiringto keep remembering one sound, so I want to stop,but I can't.
That's just how I am made. A funny guy wasthinking about getting married and asking othersfor advice, so I imagined how he was asking.
Like I said before, for a coach or a pro player tochange how they work after they've practiced forthousands of hours, they have to practice forhundreds of thousands more hours to fix their oldhabit. I thought they just shouldn't do that.
I've been doing English since junior high. Lately,I completely changed my English sound, but I can'tdo many sounds at the same time. I can't do that,so I wonder if I shouldn't have changed it or ifit has any meaning next.
I have something from when I was a kid. I didn'tthink it was a bad memory, but now I think it wasa meme. I went to a religious meeting and bought agift. I thought about giving three pieces of candyto the reader, but my mom said I couldn't givethem to everyone who I did that.
But that's my choice since I bought it. It's noneof her business. I keep thinking about this too.This morning, she bought something like a mix ofpotato salad and macaroni salad. I thought it wasmacaroni salad, but then I realized it was apotato.
When something new like this happens, I don't getvery scared, but it's hard for me. I try to tasteit because it's new. I know it's potato, but I eatit thinking it's strange when I eat something forthe first time I get confused and can't taste it.
09:17
Well, the feel in my mouth was different too. Soif I go to another country, everything would besomething I don't know. The seasoning would all bestrange to us.
I don't think I know if it's good or not. Itwouldn't be about learning or a new experience. I'd probably just finish eating without knowingwhat it was.
I think everyone is like that. When you eatsomething you don't know, it just ends. You won'tthink you ate something from that country. It'snew now.
I'm recording. There's no right answer to things,but many people leave thinking there's a rightanswer later. But in a way, there might be a rightanswer. Or maybe not. I'm not good at things thataren't clear.
What I wanna say is that I've been practicingEnglish for over 6 months, but I still don'treally get it. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Ithink this happens to anyone who studiessomething.
I think the right way is different for eachperson. That's just how it is. It's too bad. Butlanguages are like that. Even for English, it'sdifferent depending on the country or even thestate in the US.
But it's language for the whole world, so youthink you can make people understand. I think so.Even if everyone's sounds are different, there'ssomething they all have in common.
I used a site today where you can hear many people's sounds. I realized today that people are allgiving speeches. That's different from everydaytalking. It's just one way of talking.
So some people are helpful and some aren't. Icould understand if someone says there's no rightanswer. So you can be free. But even for art orlanguage, that's just a nice thing to say.
12:08
For art, if you just make something withoutthinking, nobody thinks it's a good work. Humansare full of things that don't match like that. Butpeople accept it.
For English, you have to understand. I'm lost, buthow to understand this? Things have manydifferences and changes over time. These changesare all mixed together.
One change acts with another and makes a newchange. There are many layers of changing. So evenif there was a right answer, it would change overtime. Two people live together thinking there's aright answer. I don't know yet.
Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. Until nowI said I didn't want to listen but did it becauseI had nothing else to do. But suddenly I foundsomething I wanted to hear. But then when it wastime to listen at night, I didn't want to anyway.I'm not that moody.
I really wonder why many people inside me. Todaythis was strange too. I've a feeling about buyingthat salt on beans but when I was eating them, Ithought they were good. This happens too.Sometimes it's easy for me.
But it feels gross. My sense of taste can't changethat fast. It doesn't change in one day. One morething is that my feelings change based on mythoughts. The things I thought were hard becomenot hard at all.
My imagination is so strong that I get worried. Soeven if something happens, it's never as bad as myworry. So it's not hard at all. My thoughts changemy feelings I don't think. I'm a person who usedmy head a lot.
But even though people don't be like this, forsome reason I try not to find meaning in gettingthings. That's very hard when I look back atmyself. I feel it's hard. For example, I quitreligion.
And I don't feel the empty part. I live in astrong way. If I think I've become better thanbefore because of that, that's wrong. If I think I'm living in a better way, that's thinking Iimproved. So that's not right.
15:12
If I think that way, it's a mistake. It's not awrong way to think. But it's definitely a twistedway to see it. Thinking I'm better or worse thanbefore is definitely a mistake. Things are onlychanging. Nothing ever gets better.
So if I feel I've become better, I'll be shown thetruth later that it's not true. If I look at thefact it's there, I'll realize later that thingsdidn't get better or worse.
I'll realize there were bad parts too. So I'mreading to one side. If you read to one side,there will always be a problem later. Humanfeelings are like that too. The more good feelingsyou have, the bad feelings come back later.
If you live in the middle, your feelings don't goback and forth so much. When I think of a programname, there are too many points to make itdifferent from others. I can put them in order.
I can't pick just one. But I'm losing confidenceand thinking I don't actually have anythingspecial about me. And I really wanted to includethe religion part. But even though I cared somuch, I don't care now.
I don't know when I'll start thinking about itagain. But it's too late now.
Also, after seeing one thing on TV, they say theywere supported by everyone this year. And they saythe songs weren't much in their life.
Instead of talking about the songs, they talkedabout themselves. I thought I might do that too.Or maybe I did that before. I felt ashamed andthought I shouldn't do that.
But it's night now and I'm eating. I hear thesound from the house behind me again. Last year,for some reason, I got mad when I heard the soundof them walking in the garden.
I remember that. I think they say when my mom iscooking and change their time, they're trying tobe nice to this house, but I don't like it. I feellike they're trying to protect themselves orlooking down on me.
18:17
They don't do it. When my mom is there, I thinkthey think those times are okay. And that makes meso mad because of that. I feel like I shouldn'tlook at their house.
This all keep going through summer and fall. Forsome reason, they're always in the garden atdinner time. I wonder why. I thought maybe it'scool outside, but the real reason is different.That's why I'm mad.
What's next? I think, humanly, while thinkingabout the future or the past when I'm eating, Inever think I'm focusing on the taste now. Like Ialways say, my mind isn't moving this body. It'snot that I'm directly seeing or hearing things.
It's more like my body is seeing and hearingthings, and my mind is watching that in a movietheater. So, when I'm eating, I'm not tasting itdirectly, but I'm watching myself tasting it.
When I think about that while eating, I worryabout the neighbors. I try to focus too much, andI get tired, then I realize I'm not there anymore.Without knowing it, I lose focus. Also, prices aregoing up now.
I worry about next winter. I feel hopeless. I wasimagining that my mom and dad might stop using aheater. I thought they might do something extreme,also on YouTube.
I stopped watching the news about the incident inKyoto since then. I don't wanna see it, but thingsI wanna see come up sometimes. Every time, I tryhard not to look. Today was supposed to be a dayto change clothes, but it became a day not tochange.
Lately, things like this have been happening, andI thought I was lucky. I thought it was good. Mymom went shopping in the morning, but then Irealized I could just change my clothes later.Even if she went shopping, then I thought I'munlucky. Things go well when they don't need to.
21:14
People might think it's just how I see it, but Idon't think so. Too bad it's not that. Also, if Ihave to do something, I wonder if it's better todo it before or after.
I thought there was no right answer, but if you doit first, you can do it while looking forward to afun time later. If you do it at the end, you don'thave that. So, if you think about which is easier,I think doing it first is better.
I think most people know this. They know it, butthey can't do it until the end, because they're ina hurry. But the right answer is there.
If either way is fine, the first way is definitelybetter. I wonder if some people don't understandthis. Normally, it's better to finish first so youcan feel easy. I wonder if some people don't getthis, if not everyone is like this.
About dinner, my mom and dad ate curry, and it'salways hard then. I like curry, so I ate a lot ofit at home when I was a kid, but for some reason,I stopped eating it. Today, I had chicken withsomething on it and onion just when I was eating.The parents and their kids behind the house wereloud, so I couldn't focus.
I also had Chinese cabbage and some kids' porridgewith radish and egg. It's 9pm now. Like I said, I'm recording the English part early. I tried to dotomorrow's part today. It's like finishing summerhomework and then doing winter homework and thendoing next summer's homework.
To be honest, I don't feel easy, and it's becomingpainful. Before, the day to change clothes was themost painful, but not anymore. When I hear aboutwomen who are poor and doing jobs that nobodywanna do, I feel bad about being a hikikomori.
I think living in society is very hard. I worryabout the future and feel bad, but I don't wannathink about this. Other people are doing jobs theydon't wanna do.
24:08
And I'm just at my parents' house. I realize Ijust ended up like this. It's not that I choosethis, but I realize it just happened. I feel likeI had no other choice or I couldn't even choose.
Also today, I was worried about English,especially the sound. In the afternoon, I wasconfused and thought about the sound many times. I'm watching videos and thinking about it.
Then my head starts to hurt. I know it's fromstress. Once it starts, it lasts for hours. Mybody doesn't get better. It's scary. I decided notto think about it today, but I do.
But I have to think about the program name. I wasthinking about it in the evening. I thought abouttaking a break today, but I had nothing else todo. Also, I think many people in Japan don't likereligion or aren't interested in it.
I'm doing an English podcast in the US or Europe.Many people are religious. I can use the fact thatI was in a religion. It's a chance, but that's whyit's scary.
That's why I worry about the program name. Icouldn't express it well. I quit religion, but I'mdifferent from other people who quit.
Also lately, I've been thinking I should keep theEnglish and Japanese parts separate. I regret itnow, but even if I regret it later, I've alreadyforgotten how I felt or why I chose it then.
I think there's no point in thinking about it now.I'm recording this at midnight. I realizedsomething big at least, I think.
If you do something shameful in front of a mirror,you'd definitely feel ashamed. If someone sees youdoing something like that, you'd feel ashamed.
27:00
But if you're just standing in front of a mirror,nobody said anything to you, so you shouldn't feelashamed. But when you feel most ashamed, why isthat?
I thought it's not that you're ashamed becausesome people see you, but because you see yourself,you're looking at yourself through other people'seyes.
When you look at the mirror, you aren't imaginingwhat others think. You're just ashamed of lookingat yourself. It shouldn't matter what othersthink, even if you see that person sayingsomething to you in the future.
That's different from feeling ashamed. Thisfeeling is strange. Also, I sometimes think that Idon't really get close to my dad. I think I knowthat he doesn't like me.
When I was a kid, he often said he might have beentoo angry. If I said something, he'd go to hisroom and show a smile. I only remember that part.So far, together, I don't think I ever called him.I don't really know from my memory.
I probably didn't like him, but I didn't hate himthat much either. It was hard to talk to him, butin any family, kids talk to their parents even ifit's hard. I say it's because of my brain, but Idon't know the truth. I remember these things andfeel bad every time.