00:00
I don't go outside.This is my battlefield.Fightingalone.Every single day.No one sees it.But I keepgoing.Slow is fine.Stopping is fine.Just moveforward.Hikikomori hero.Still standing.
This is just a podcast.
I've been thinking about this missing child inTokyo since yesterday.I've watched the video andtalked to my mother about it.And I've beenthinking about what's happened.I can actuallyfigure things like this out,which is rare for me.
I think about a new idea that nobody else has saidyet.Sometimes I can just figure things out.But itdoesn't make me happy.It's been right.Nobody willever know.
It just ends with me knowing.I can't even feelgood about it.Just thinking about that makes mefeel frustrated and bad.
They say they're looking near this house.But thechild could have been left an hour away.
I have many questions like that.But I can't askanyone.I can't even look into it properly.
I also end up feeling stuck.These things likemysterious and unusual real crimes don't make mefeel good.
Since this morning,I've been thinking aboutYouTube.I've been watching it too.Much rarely.Somaybe I should stop watching it completely.
But then I can't see Nogizaka videos.Maybe I'lljust stop watching it on my phone.I probably won'tbe able to see it in the future anyway.
Things won't change much for me for now.Why did Ithink about this again today?I thought maybe Ishould do a video podcast using an avatar.
03:09
I thought I might get more people to watch.I didn't think about that before.It takes a lot of work.But I started thinking about doing it.
I stopped the idea.But now I don't remember why.Ialso thought about using other SNS and makingshort videos.But SNS come and go.
So it's not for a long time.I thought maybe Ishould stop posting on YouTube and stoppingwatching it too.
This is a big thing for me right now.It's a bigturning point.Maybe I'm getting addicted toYouTube.I might already be.
Really,I don't understand myself.I feel like Ireally don't understand before.I try not to wastetime even while I was sleeping.
I tried to do things like workout or record apodcast in the middle of the night.
But now I've given up.It's a waste of time.I usedto hate wasting time so much.But talking now,Irealize nothing really has meaning anyway.
But I have my own rules.If I've done something,it's in a strict way.I record a podcast.I really don't wanna waste time.
But the feeling is fighting with the feeling thatI can't help it.If I try to change things,I'llfeel again that why I can't get out.
My current state,even if I use avatar on YouTube,Iprobably want to get more people to watch.
That makes me feel frustrated too.I'm doing apodcast,so I shouldn't put too much into YouTube.
But YouTube is the biggest place in othercountries.Most people in America have moved tovideo podcast since this morning.
There was a podcast again.I've given up.I'mrecording this five times.It's a worry.I'm worriedabout the English part.
Should I change how I do it?Should I do it likebefore?I don't wanna record two in the morning.Should I record two tomorrow?
06:05
It's a small thing.But recording is becoming a bigtask.I've been worrying about whether to do it.
Spanish,I use SNS for more than a month.It's beenabout three months since I started worrying.Mybody is very sensitive.
So it gets itchy.This happens all the time.Buttoday is really bad.I've been scratching the frontof my body.
It feels gross.It's not just itchy.It's a grossfeeling.Being itchy is hurt enough.I wanna losethe feeling in the front of my body.
I wanna put tape all over it.That's how gross itfeels.This didn't just hurt.My body became verysensitive like this.
When I was in middle school,about the show name,Istopped worrying about being a child or areligious person.
I wanna tell people my view and things.I wannashow that I'm thrown away nice words and dreams.
I wanna find a way to reach people.Things are abit off.My brain is off.And it's off from theworld my way of living is off to.
I wonder if I can show that.I've learned manyskills like I had a blog because I try to do agood job with a show name and description.
I can't decide.Knowing too much is scary.For aperson like me,knowing too much hasn't been good.
But not knowing enough has also led to manyfailures.
About the podcast,yesterday I saw famous human whostarted dance in elementary school in Tokyo.
They took a test from my middle school and movedto Tokyo.
They did all the cleaning themselves.
When I hear about their hard work,I can trustthem.I don't know why.
I think they've worked hard.It's not exactlytrust.Maybe it's an old but Japanese way ofthinking that's in me too.
09:08
It shouldn't matter if someone grew up rich orpoor.If they worked hard as a kid,everyone hastheir own hard work.
It's not that I think rich people are bad.But Ifeel bad about people who had a hard time.
That might be a bad way to think.
Why do I think that?I'm an old child so I didn'tfight with sufferings.I hate it when people thinkI didn't have a hard time since I have adevelopmental disorder.
I get stuck on that.
I've thought about that for years.I looked up manybooks but I was wrong.It was just my own way ofthinking.It was just very hard for me.
I see people in a biased way.If I hear someone hasmany sufferings,I think they had a hard time buteveryone had their own hard work.
I couldn't tell you well before but maybe I waspure because I had no sufferings.It was a reallygood thing for me.
It was hard because of that.I had to take care ofmy parents.It wasn't just a duty.
It was a pure feeling.Maybe it was a nice hurt.Theboys and girls around me were from the country.They were wild and used rough words I didn't fitin at all.
That's why I understand the scene in a split way.
Where the parents talk in the back and the maincharacter eats a rice ball sadly.
I had a hard time as a kid,for example.
I'd go to the friend's house on my birthday andChristmas.In America and Europe,that's impossible.
Not spending Christmas with family.This was when Iwas in elementary school.It's impossible.
12:04
People say they went to a friend's house on theirbirthday but I think about the parents' feelingsnot spending a birthday together.I could never dothat.
I understand the parents' feelings too well.
People say they felt a lot of pressure fromparents for test.
I want people to know there are people like me whoare different.
Next,there was gonna be a big cleaning thismorning.I'm trying hard to think about the showname so I can't wake up at that set time.
I woke up earlier than usual today.But it's turnedout my mother was wrong.There was no cleaning thismorning.
I felt re-stress.
But it's next week.Most Shotsuki will listen aright answer.My show will never do that.
But that's my rule.I'm not trying to analyzemyself.It's not about being against the world andI'm not trying to say the world is off.
I don't want it to be a show about looking insidemyself.Psychology or self-help is not aboutlooking out or looking in.It's hard to explainwhat this show is.
I sometimes think about who I am.
This show is against nice words and lessons.I wantit to reach people who are tired of those things.
But if it sounds like a show with no value,that'snot what I want.
That's hard.I'm thinking about the show name allthe time.It's hard.I have too many traits.If Ishow a trait of that show,I wonder if it's aboutbeing an observer.
What am I observing?My daily life is fine.But Idon't want people to find value in just hearinghow the world is off.
15:06
It's not self-analysis.And it's not about theworld being off.It's about the event itself.
But that doesn't work well either.I can't get thefeeling right.I thought maybe I should separatethe Japanese and English shows.
Since I don't fit in Japan,it's even harder tofind good words in Japanese.
