00:00
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness.
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
There's famous saying, that if you don't shoot,you'll never score.
People say you can't succeed unless you shoot.
But I don't think you should just shoot all thetime in any situation.
That's too obvious.
But the score says exactly that.
Saying you can't succeed without shooting is justtoo simple.
Everyone knows that.
There's always a reason for waiting.
People have their own ways and personality.
They can say which way is right.
When you shoot, you might succeed, but you mightfail too.
Some things are better for you to try many times.
But those are never a special case.
That's not about trying or not.
It's just about doing a lot of work.
Also, I really hate the saying,
You are lost in your roots.
I talked about that before.
So I won't say it now.
I kinda understand that.
You have to shoot.
Nothing's direct.
You do nothing.
But that's just common sense.
At that level, it's like things.
You can buy things in the supermarket.
You don't go there.
Of course, that's true.
That's not a big challenge.
It's just something everyone knows.
You don't need to say it, but try.
Of course, you might fail.
I think it depends on your personality.
People can try or do it.
I wrote that on my blog 5 years ago.
03:00
Next, I made a mistake buying chickpeas for half ayear.
But I thought it was okay.
Because I can use them for other food I serve.
I thought it was okay.
But they cost twice as much as salt beans.
I calculated again today.
It's almost twice.
My mother used to eat salt beans.
So that was fine.
I missed that.
But it's only about 4,000 yen.
I shouldn't worry about it.
But I have to be careful.
Lately, we have curry for dinner a lot.
I don't eat it.
I don't eat it because I care about my health.
This is a long story.
Last year, my mother made soup curry for me.
But I couldn't taste it well.
So I asked for rice, too.
Then I ate normal curry and rice.
The amount was small before.
So the rice kept increasing.
I ended up eating over 500 grams.
Then I found out curry is bad for the body.
So I quit.
But I thought about the cost of rice.
And if I didn't eat it.
I wouldn't have bought the current microwave.
I quit training.
But if I ate a lot of rice.
I would keep training.
I was thinking that life might be right.
Next is a talk about deep thought.
Before that, I want to talk about the surname.
It's quick but honest.
I observe things very closely.
I don't process things.
And I don't make a conclusion.
I don't know if that's really my future.
I wanted to throw away the idea of developmentalproblems.
I got the name for my problem.
But I don't really get it.
I don't know if not giving reasons or conclusionis my future.
06:02
Or the chosen future.
I quit religion.
But I'm not looking for my help.
I can't understand people.
I don't fit with people or society.
These two things are clear.
If you say people get nothing from my show.
That might be a future.
I don't teach religion.
But it's not like help either.
Other religions exist.
And you can get things from them.
It depends on what you mean by getting something.
I don't push religion.
But I wonder if that's a future.
When people say this way of living is important.
Or there's problem in the world.
I feel like they think they are good gods.
So I have no conclusion.
And maybe that's future.
To sum up,
While thinking about the show and myself being arecluse.
It's a fact.
I don't put the name of my problem in my head.
But the name is just something that people made.
So there aren't many clear futures.
I write things in a memo.
But today I saw it.
I saw it and was shocked.
Because I realized I only wrote the same thing.
I couldn't record the English in the morning.
Because of the back.
And I worried about the show name or morning.
Maybe because of that stress.
My stomach is bad and it's hard.
I can't sleep at night.
I'm so sleepy during this day.
Sports team manager.
I have a lot of pressure.
So many of these symptoms.
But the show name that I put in that I quitreligion.
People think it's a religion show.
But I rarely hear stories of people livingstrongly after quitting religion.
This is after I found out about the problem in myhead.
09:08
Some people trying to act normal by thinking.
I was doing that without knowing.
But I thought about looking in the mirror.
Or calculating my face and words.
Like what face to make or how to answer.
I thought I could look like a normal person.
But if I fixed even one thing.
I was doing naturally.
Everything will break and become awkward.
I feel that while studying English.
If I fixed one sound.
Everything break.
I never think a person with my problem becomenormal.
But trying.
They just look strange.
I want experts to understand that.
And teach it.
I know why people want to be normal.
I was like that too.
There are sports players who might have a problemlike mine.
I don't know if he calculates everything.
A person like that is a lot of power.
Yesterday I had to listen to podcast late atnight.
But it was boring and I regret it.
But happened after I woke up.
I thought about the show name all morning.
I started looking for other tools.
Cause I was worried.
But looking for them now is pointless.
It's just to make my worry go away.
While listening to the radio.
I started.
His regular show ended and he's sad.
But his partner said a new one started.
But I thought it's zero in the end.
I said this before.
But I feel something is wrong.
People can't organize things well.
They only talk about good part or bad part atfirst.
I thought it was bad.
But I often don't know what they wanna say.
I don't know if they wanna say
12:02
It's great or what.
Do only I feel this way.
Also some people say
Did you hear that from someone
After you said something
I'm saying bad thing.
But two things in a row.
They wanna say you didn't think of it yourself.
That's very mean.
That's useless comment.
You don't have to say that.
They say it's directory.
But it's clearly something they shouldn't say.
You can say they're mean.
I forgot say I'm interested in food now.
I can look it up.
But I listen to a boring podcast.
If it was before
I would listen to something about food.
I listen to useless things when I can look thingsup.
I'm wrong.
But that too.
Next,during the meal
I heard the sound before my father
That was male killed my mother.
He suddenly came out of his room.
Something like that happened.
Today I heard something.
Like I always say
I save my favorite food
For the end.
Just then
I heard that sound and I was very worried.
I thought he might come out by mistake.
I was lost if I should.
I asked my mother to tell him.
I use a lot of nerves for things that aren'tnormal.
Like driving a car or life or death things.
My nerves are at that level.
Also yesterday and today
I worried about my left leg during the meal.
Maybe cause I'm eating what I like.
I feel something wrong with my left leg.
It might be a tick.
But the show name
I wanna show the future and attract people.
A hook is important.
It needs to be easy to understand.
I've been worried about the name so much.
Today that I thought about making a show aboutnaming.
People who quit religion look for hearing
Then start attacking religion.
15:05
I understand that feeling.
They look for new meaning for life.
They feel the empty hole.
They use their energy to attack religion.
I understand that too.
But I didn't look for meaning.
I didn't look for new religion or anything likethat.
Some people go to those things.
There was a surprise.
They get tired of religion but look for otherthing.
I knew someone like that.
They quit but join another religion.
Even people who joined the religion I was in.
They said they're finally free.
But they quit and go to another one.
They go to a place that looks safe.
But they find out it's just a bad group.
And they quit.
It's a double story.
But there were problems from being in a religion.
It's not a problem from quitting.
But twice from being in it.
Why they...
There are no problem.
It sounds like a lie.
I have trauma and worry.
But the future I'm recluse.
It might sound like I'm just acting tough.
I'm living strongly.
But there's twice part of a whole.
Because I was in a religion.
I don't know what it is.
I thought it was my problem.
But I can't say.
Humans are strange.
There are twice in my...
Things are a gap with the world.
Because I quit religion and became a nihilist.
It's right now.
But the...
Chickpeas.
That was a mistake.
But if I think like that.
My whole world breaks.
Change is scary for me.
My routine breaks.
Then I start thinking about quitting soybeans forlunch.
I think about having them for dinner.
Or with my another taste.
I start thinking from the beginning again.
I break what I built.
That's why I had the same regret.
When I was doing my blog.
18:02
For the podcast.
I try not to change things.
And not to add more shows.
I kept that rule.
Speaking of that.
I feel good when I see people like the song.
Not just bright or positive people.
People like the song.
I'll explain.
Because you might not understand.
Mozart's music is not just bright.
It's like the song.
I like it for that reason.
But I don't know.
People like the song have a human part too.
Mozart's music looks bright.
But you can see a dark part in it.
That's the power of Mozart.
That's a big reason.
Why he's loved.
It's not just a simple story.
Also in life.
Things that were heard can become the opposite.
From now on.
The English recording used to be heard.
But from now on.
I think having nothing will be heard.
I think I'm happy.
Because I have something to do.
Hard things and fun things will watch.
So being hard or fun is just what you think.
It's hard because you think it's hard.
Some people enjoy studying like a game.
Most people think studying is boring.
So they feel it's boring.
When you are focusing on work.
You don't feel fun or hard.
You are just doing it.
Speaking of that.
I searched for the incident in Kyoto and themissing person.
And I thought the word for my problems.
Is it common to link the person to that problem?
It makes me feel it's bad.
I want them to stop.
When you are giving that level.
People see you in a strange way.
To be honest.
I don't care much.
But I want them to stop.
No, I don't know.
Either is fine.
I want to talk about when I went to Chinatown inYokohama.
I thought I was eating rare Chinese food there.
It's a good memory.
21:01
But there are Chinese dish made in Japan.
Chili shrimp is one.
I want tofu with brown and China.
Noodle with sauce is Japanese.
What I think is twice cooked pork doesn't usecabbage or taste sweet in China.
Cabbage is different.
But it's served that way.
So it can't be helped.
I was wrong.
Brown tofu is from China.
But I couldn't tell the difference from theJapanese one.
The taste is made for Japanese people.
I didn't eat dumplings either.
My family is a bit strange.
I went there three times.
I regret it.
Most of the things I thought were Chinese weremade in Japan.
It's silly.
I'm always like that with my family.
I'm always imagining things who I went touniversity and lived alone.
I would have felt free and so happy.
I've been holding myself back.
For example, I went to Chinatown.
I ate many things while walking.
I ate meat a bunch.
For one year, it was just noodles with my sauce.
That's impossible.
I had no idea what was in Chinatown.
But it wasn't like that.
The food was just normal.
Even if it was not delicious.
I felt like I was in another country.
It was like that.
At the zoo too.
I just wanna watch the animals I like.
I'm always at the zoo because of my parents.
I remember more things.
Spotify has a limit on how many songs you canlisten to.
I know that.
Lately, I've been listening to podcasts.
So I thought about listening to music slowly sincethere's a limit.
But even if I think so, I can't listen to music.
My interest is very narrow.
I can't have an interest in many things at once.
24:02
It's late at night.
I looked for an app to put sound easily.
The current way is fine.
But I started worrying about it.
Also, I got worried about the new app.
I was worried if I used it right.
While doing that, my phone ran out of power.
Today, the tool block was fixed.
So I can record in English.
Morning, I'm very unlucky.